Yoko Ono is following me on Twitter...

i swear on everything holy that i am not making this up. its the real yoko ono. the yoko ono that broke up the beatles. and she is following me on twitter.

first the skunk weasels, and now this.

im not sure how much worse my life could get at this point.

Monday Stuff...

when i saw where the buckeyes were placed in the NCAA tournament field last night, a few things went through my head...

1. winning the big ten doesnt mean much anymore.
2. we are in the region of death.
3. this international love affair with duke basketball has got to end.
4. is gold a wise investment?
5. whats the best way to stop a baby from crying?
6. is it true that bees can smell anger?
7. why is admitting you have an STD so embarrassing? at least peeps know you be knockin tha boots.
8. i am positive that if you gave me a case of mountain dew and some candy that i could easily conquer mexico in less than six hours.
9. if i could go back in time and change my first name to anything i wanted, i would definitely choose "robotmaster". ROBOTMASTER HUGHES.
10.

which leads me to my main point:

dont you think that the creators of "blossom" were just "full house" fans that said to themselves, "lets make another edition of full house, only make kimmy gibler both hot and a total slut."

i think thats a question we have all been asking ourselves for a great number of years. ever since we caught a glimpse of six and her wild hat collection. sadly, it is unlikely that science will ever know the answer.

what we do know is that the buckeyes got totally jobbed by the selection committee, and thats not open for debate. a good historical comparison would be back in 1997 when wagg tried to take me to the hole (gay) and i blocked his attempt, sending the ball out of bounds and i was all "nuh-uh. not in this house. not in my house. you get out of this house because this house is mine and you are not allowed inside of it."

also, its important to take good care of your feet. if you were in a situation where a robber was robbing you and your only defense was kicking him in his genitals to death, it would be unfortunate if you couldnt due to a history of improper foot care. that would be a situation where you would be sorry if you didnt take good care of your feet. this is why taking care of your feet is an important thing to remember in your life.

for centuries, people have been wondering if there was a such thing as monsters or ghosts or dinosaurs. the answer is no, probably not.

the important thing to remember is that we all have the power to change our lives for the better. each and every one of us can do things, good or bad, that can change this world in one way or another. we are powerful. accountable. and we have a huge responsibility to the next generation of human beings to make this world as great and full of equality as we can.

robbers can be easily defeated by kicking them in the genitals to death.

Morning Poetry...

everyone knows that there are a few things i really excel at in life.

1. not talking about "club gay".
2. making dump and weenus wherever i want.
3. shaking babies until they stop crying.
4. writing kick-ass poetry.

its funny that making dump was number two.

MORNING POETRY FOR YOUR LIFE

Lovely Lady

in my mind
i see her in the distance
as she comes closer, she becomes more clear
i see her hair
blowing in the cool summer breeze
i see her eyes
shining like a beacon of freedom
i see her body
moving effortlessly like a fish through water
she is the woman of my dreams
she is the one amongst many
my one true love
she moves closer and closer
i can see her expression
she looks pissed
super pissed
she says that she feels bloated
and that she wants to get rid of the dog
she says my mother is too nosy
and that she has a headache
oh crap
why does she have half of my stuff?
i cant feel my legs
this isnt going to end well

Youthful Memories

if you ever think to yourself
that its a good idea to put
mcdonalds coffee between your legs
you should probably rethink that
because you could burn your genitals
and that hurts more than you would think

Here Is Why

sometimes when i am at church
people ask me questions
one question i get a lot is
"why dont you date women taller than you"
and im always like
"when was the last time
you thought of rebeca lobo
and you were like
oh yeah, i really wanna hit that"
then they are like
"that is very inappropriate"
and i'm all
"if you dont wanna see my coconuts
then you shouldnt shake my tree"

Taking a Stand

having a mustache says something about a person
way beyond what you would think
its tells people what you believe in
and how you go about living your life
it says to people
yeah, im wearing jean shorts
and yeah, i sell used vehicles
sure, ill wear socks with sandals
and yes, i own several firearms
absolutely, i would love to go with you
to see molly hatchet at the fairgrounds
.38 special is opening for them?
even better
yes, i have a collection of snakes
and i think i could defeat you
at arm wrestling
i have several beer cozys that can be worn
around my neck
i dont trust people with dark skin
and my sons middle name is "earnhardt"
what did you say?
do i drink busch light?
i have a mustache
i think you know the answer to that

Never Have I Ever

lets play a friendly game of
never have i ever
ill say never have i ever something
and if you have done it
you have to take a drink
okay
here we go
never have i ever been addicted to crystal meth
WAGG

Smiles!!!!!

why are you two so happy???

How to Make Women Love You...

its a well-known fact around the world that i am fairly adept at understanding the modern woman, and making this untamed sensual beast fall deeply in love with me all over my hot body. people from all over the world have been trying to perfect my technique for hundreds of years to no avail.

while you are somewhat correct in assuming that i can chalk up almost all of my conquests to the combination of the deep aroma of old spice and patchy facial hair, there are a few other tips you should be made aware of if you want to become to become a sexual casanova like yours truly.

HOW TO MAKE WOMEN LOVE YOU

* first impressions are of the utmost importance. always wear cologne, and lots of it. while most men accept that six to eight sprays of curve or CK1 on your neckal region should be enough, what a lot of people dont realize is that no it is not at all. if there is one law that women live by, its that whichever man she meets that is wearing the most cologne is that this is the man that she is more likely to go home with at the end of the night when she is feeling that going home with a guy might be the most electric idea she ever made that night with her own decisions. and a lot of people dont understand that.

* women like to be touched, so dont be afraid of being the one to initialize the contact. shake her hand and say "nice to meat you" - she will think the intentional misspelling is hilarious and witty. try holding the handshake a little longer than you normally would. when saying goodbye, bring her in close for an embrace. take a long, slow, deep breath in and tell her that you enjoy how warm she feels against your skin. at this point she will probably pretend to be outraged and will try to escape. you do not let this happen.

* if theres one thing women can appreciate, its honesty. if you dont like the way she does her hair or the outfit she is wearing, make sure to tell her. if you can tell that she has put on a few pounds or is bloated during that time of the month, suggest that she skip a meal or two. mention that the extra weight is starting to make her look more and more like her mother. women appreciate family.

* women love to be tickled. try playfully holding her down and poking her in the sides. i dont know, maybe you try tying her up so she cant fight you. while she is tied up, maybe you slap her around a little bit.

* women know that sometimes you want to make relations with another woman. women also know that they cant expect you to tell them everything that you do with your day. so, naturally, if a woman finds out that you cheated on her, she probably wont be all that upset about it.

* every woman has a fantasy associated with a cowboy. you know who was a cowboy? the marlboro man. consider taking up smoking.

* women love cooking for their man. but, again, women appreciate honesty above all else. so, when she has made you dinner, its important that you tell her if you dont like it. and instead of making some passing remark about the chicken being a bit dry, pick up your plate and throw it against the wall. push her down on the floor and ask her if she really expects you to eat this crap. tell her that youll give her something to cry about.

* many women in todays world worry that their boyfriend or husband might be secretly gay. chances are, your girlfriend or wife is one of these women. take it upon yourself to ease her worries - try sleeping with her best friend or sister. or both. probably both. this will show her that she has nothing to worry about when it comes to your sexuality. great job.

* women are always pretending that they dont like to be slapped in the mouth when they step out of line. pretending.

* if your girlfriend has a dog, its probably not a bad idea to poison that dog in order to draw her closer to you. upon learning of barkys death, she will no doubt turn to you for comfort and support. this is when you take money from her purse when she isnt looking. you should also give serious thought to drinking her tears for sustenance.

* women love when you use cute little pet names for them. "slut bag" is a good one.

good luck!

How to Land Your Dream Job...

when i am out on the streets, enjoying this beautiful weather, trying to score the best possible blow in central ohio, people are always coming up to me saying things like "dont walk down that road - thats where the blacks live" and "i do not trust people with dark colored skin" and "isnt it funny how mexicans are always not smiling for pictures?".

to those people i say "hey, kathleen turner - keep your hate speak to yourself."

but even more people lately have been coming up to me and asking me for tips on landing the best possible job in todays difficult economy. and to them i say "i love all people, regardless of their skin tone. and kathleen turner is a hateful racist."

HOW TO LAND YOUR DREAM JOB

* its important to want it. in an economy where there are thousands (maybe even billions) of qualified americans jobless and searching for the very same job you are, its important that you want it more than anyone else. quit your current job. sell your house. leave your wife and children hungry and bloody and without medical care. while you are walking away from your family, push your wife down. it will show future employers just how serious you are about being successful and having it all.

* while you are living on the streets looking for work, dont be afraid of doing certain things for money that you wouldnt have considered a few months ago. vagabond drifters need loving too. but they gotta pay.

* we live in a world where the GDP of many countries are tied together in a massive global economy. this means that you arent just going up against people from the united states for your dream job, but you are also fighting for your economic survival with people from all over the planet. because of this, it probably isnt a bad idea to start aimlessly killing people that look like they arent from your neck of the woods. and beware of those stinking flappy-headed derelicts from the communist republic of canada. just because they are white doesnt mean they are americans. USA! USA! USA!

* many times, during an interview, youll find yourself wanting to break wind but holding it back instead. dont. let that stink cheese rip. employers love that type of can-do attitude. also, chances are that you have been eating out of a garbage can since youve been living on the streets. this can only mean good things as far as smell is concerned.

* if you are being interview by a man, look him up and down (slowly) and tell him that you are willing to put money on the fact that he has a fairly decent looking wife. tell him that, if this interview is going as good as you think it is, that you would love to take her out for drinks afterwards to celebrate. be clear with your intentions. tell him that you want to make relations with his wife.

* if you are being interview by a woman, touch her hair and tell her how soft it is. say that she smells like your ex-wife, and that you like that about her. women love compliments.

* interviewers hate it when their candidates show up for a job interview sober. because of this, its always a good idea to throw back a couple bottle of grandpas cough medicine beforehand. and when in doubt, always drink more! also, if you have drugs (which you should) make sure to offer some to the interviewer. its polite to share. after the drugs have been taken and the mood starts to lighten a bit, mention that you would like to take his wife out for a drink.

* most interviewers have children. almost all children start their lives out as babies. so you can imagine how much the interviewer will appreciate any tips on raising children that you may have. make sure to tell the interviewer that a great way to stop a baby from crying is to shake that baby until it stops crying.

* at this point in the interview process, you will be drunk, high on drugs, passing gas, and will probably have a good idea of whether or not you will be scoring with someones wife that night. this is a good time to ask to borrow money.

* using foul language is something that all business people can appreciate. the general rule of thumb in the business world is that the fouler the language is, the better. also, its a good idea to be clear on the sexual orientation of your interviewer just so he or she will be as comfortable with you as possible. at some point early on in the interview (probably before the drug use), tell them that they are giving off a "i swing from both sides of the plate" vibe, and ask if that observation is accurate. they may seem a tad outraged, but tell them that most of the gay guys you know are drama queens too.

happy job hunting!

Bandi Cambridge - A Working Theory...

THEORY:

all of bandi cambridges status updates sound exactly the same.

PROOF:

OHHHH SNOOKY. i'm now hooked on that show....

oh conveyor belt of love...you are SO GOOD.

oh laundry....you never go away

Oh sweetheart....Idioms are tough to master in a second language, aren't they?

oh nick, you'll be the death of me this year.

Oh Londonites, if you didn't have such a charming demeanor and splendid accent, I could get real tired of you.

Oh how smart you are to carry travel-sized aerosol hairspray. This is why I love you, Target....this is why I love you.

CONCLUSION:

all of bandi cambridges status updates sound exactly the same.