10 Famous People from Columbus, OH...

the city of columbus is a wonderful midwestern place to call home. it attracts a wide variety of people from all over the world, and has been the capital of ohio since at least 1981, which is the year i was born.

over the years, columbus has produced many great leaders of this country. when thinking of them, these are the top ten that jump immediately to mind.

TEN FAMOUS PEOPLE FROM COLUMBUS, OH...

1 - Archie Griffin

one of the greatest college football players of all-time, archie griffin is the only person in the history of the sport to win two heisman trophies.

2 - Jack Hanna

jack hanna is one of the most notable animal experts in the united states, and has been the director of the columbus zoo and aquarium since 1978.

3 - Archie Griffin

archie griffin is the only man to win the elusive "double" heisman trophy, which is winning a heisman trophy twice.

4 - Jack Hanna

jack hanna was born in columbus in 1947, and grew up around the various exhibits at the columbus zoo and aquarium. after graduating from animal college in 1965, he became president of the zoo and has been living there ever since.

5 - Archie Griffin

archie griffin was born in columbus 1954, and worked as a day laborer for the hore-shew construction company, which built ohio stadium in 1998.

6 - Jack Hanna

jack hanna is a guy that was on the john carson show in the 80s, which i think was a TV show about the complex relationships of a fat guy and a skinny guy sitting on various gold couches.

7 - Archie Griffin

archie griffin was the mayor of columbus in the 1990s, which is probably why a lot of people blame him for ameriflora 92.

8 - Jack Hanna

jack hanna goes by the nickname "jungle jack", which mainly has to do with the fact that he can speak to animals, and almost all animals come from the jungle.

9 - Archie Griphin

archie griffin is a local celebrity from columbus, and is in charge of laughing and smiling a lot whenever brent musburger needs to interview anyone associated with ohio state university.

10 - Chack Hanna

jack hanna was the name of a famous pilot from columbus who used to go by the nickname "frank" but people called him "tiger" and he is dead now.

neither chack hanna or archie griphin were born in columbus.

Problems at The University of Michigan...

as the michigan wolverines head into the least interesting bcs bowl game in recent memory, many fans of the maize and blue are left wondering what their new head coach can do to turn the ship around and compete for big ten / national championships in the coming seasons. no longer the best football program even in their own state, its an uphill battle for brady hoke and those lovable losers from ann arbor.

there are many bumps in the road awaiting michigan on their path back to relevance. below, team secret falcon will name a few of the most obvious stumbling blocks.


REASONS WHY BRADY HOKE COULD FAIL AS HEAD COACH AT THE UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN

10. donuts
9. philly cheese steaks
8. king size snickers bars
7. mcdonalds dollar menu
6. whole milk
5. stuffed crust pizza
4. curbside food vendors
3. triple cheeseburgers
2. bacon
1. urban meyer

BIGGEST OBSTACLES BETWEEN THE UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN AND THEIR FIRST UNSHARED NATIONAL CHAMPIONSHIP SINCE 1902

10. french fries
9. general tso's chicken
8. chicken fingers
7. pancakes
6. dairy queen ice cream cake
5. cupcakes
4. waffle house
3. international house of pancakes
2. sour cream potato chips
1. urban meyer

POTENTIAL FOOTBALL RELATED ISSUES THAT MUST BE OVERCOME AT THE UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN

10. taco salad
9. milkshakes
8. cheesy gordita crunch
7. double big macs
6. cinnabon
5. hot dogs
4. eggnog
3. corn chips
2. cookie shaped birthday cake
1. urban meyer

OBVIOUS CONCERNS WITH THE OFFENSE AT THE UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN

10. lunchables
9. olive garden never ending pasta bowl
8. honey mustard
7. KFC
6. bloomin' onions
5. fried macaroni and cheese
4. chipotle
3. nachos bell grande
2. bagel bites
1. urban meyer

POTENTIAL DISASTERS WITH THE DEFENSE AT THE UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN

10. hometown buffet
9. biscuits and gravy
8. mayonnaise
7. chips and dip
6. unused cake batter
5. large blocks of cheese
4. chicken and ranch calzones
3. deep fried pickles
2. pie
1. urban meyer

postscript - the exclusion of ranch dressing was done intentionally, as listing it as an issue seemed far too obvious.

State of The Union...

my fellow americans,

as the last few days of 2011 pass quickly by, life is without question more complicated than ever.

gas prices are high. unemployment threatens the lives of millions of americans. the harsh winter temperatures threaten many families without a working furnace. adam levine and his unbearable high-pitched screechy muppet voice is featured in almost every top 40 hit on the radio.

people longingly look to their elected officials for answers, only to find in-fighting among republicans and democrats pushing our government into a painfully long era of puffy-chest filibustering and pissing contests. meanwhile in the real world, children go hungry, sick people dont get the help they need, and brady hoke can barely afford to maintain his strict 30,000 calorie per day diet that keeps him morbidly obese and sweaty.

americans eagerly anticipate the coming year, in hopes that 2012 will be the turning point in our fight to climb out of the recession caused by the collapse of the housing market in 2008. republican hopefuls for novembers presidential election try to separate themselves from their competition, as newt gingrich perfects his "im smarter than all of you" stink-face routine, mitt romney tries desperately to be less good-looking (not possible), and rick perry commits to hating homosexuals with the fire of a thousand suns so long as they continue to breathe his delicious christian-only oxygen. meanwhile, president obama continues to smoke cigarettes, play basketball, and ignore my pleas for a law requiring the spice girls to tour the metro-columbus area several times a year.

the sports world has faced a lockout in both the NFL and NBA, causing americans to be threatened with the prospect of watching hockey, which left everyone outside of michigan and minnesota scared and drunk on hooch. the country collectively breathed a sigh of relief when both leagues signed deals to avoid a major work stoppage which would have led to canada flexing their muscles as a real country, as opposed to a small group of lunatics in winter hats that have been screaming "MIKE MYERS WAS BORN HERE" since early 1992.

in october, an exotic animal collector in ohio let hundreds of deadly creatures loose and then committed suicide. sadly, much to the chagrin of people in columbus, the animals did not maim and savagely murder all of those embarrassing rednecks in zanesville. in fact, only the animals died - which would be fine if they were cows or pigs or some other animal that is okay to torture and then eat, but because they were things that someone might see in a zoo, white people everywhere were appalled.

and thats pretty much everything thats going on in the country, as far as i know.

Black Dudes > White Nerds...

recently here in the office, we've been listening to an ultra-sweet contemporary music internet radio station, and here is what i have learned thus far. adele is so hot right now, and is shockingly a white person.

i remember when i first heard adele, when she was doing that one song with kanye west where she sings about traveling to america and he talks over music about how he is equally as f*#king sweet even when in great britain and wearing a pea coat. i thought to myself, "this adele girl is fairly awesome, assuming of course that she is a hip black chick and not some stupid white nerd". it was a more innocent time in my life.

now that we know that everything adele says is out of touch with the streets and therefore irrelevant, i think its time to reexamine our artists on a broader scale, just to make sure that everything is on the up and up and none of them are white people.

MAKING SURE THAT ALL THE PEOPLE I ENJOY PAYING ATTENTION TO ARE BLACK PEOPLE, JUST AS GOD INTENDED IT


aretha franklin
confirmed african-american
without question the greatest singer in the history of pop music, aretha franklin was born in memphis and was moved by her family to detroit at an early age. i was going to voyage into an in-depth internet search to make sure she wasnt some white goober, but then i realized that white people wisely havent been allowed in detroit in roughly 84 years.

fred durst
confirmed white nerd
fred durst found mainstream success in the late 1990s with a rouge group of talent-less buttholes calling themselves "limp biscuit", which was equally as offensive to the senses as it sounds. instead of being known for his accomplishments or musical proficiency, the Y2K mtv generation came to accurately know him as "that douchebag who wears a red hat."

michael dorn
confirmed african-american
everything michael dorn touches turns to gold plated gold. his first movie role was in a little motion picture called "rocky", which everyone knows would have sucked balls if not for michael dorn stealing the show as apollo creed's uncredited bodyguard. he spent the 80s starring as officer jebediah turner in CHIPs, which is a role that probably won him somewhere between 12 and 17 emmys. he then put the acting community on its ass when he starred as the badass klingon worf in star trek the next generation, star trek deep space nine, and various star trek major motion pictures. he was also in the films santa clause 2 and santa clause 3, which  earned over 900 million dollars at the box office combined. definitely not a white guy.

kim kardashian
50% white nerd, 0% african-american
ever since the dawn of kim kardashian's fame in 2008, people have been trying to figure out just what in the hell she is. recently science has confirmed that she is 50% white nerd, and 50% something called "armenian" which has yet to be confirmed as even being a real thing.

darius rucker
confirmed african-american
if it werent for darius rucker's hootie and the blowfish, it is likely that blues traveler would have swept the 1995 mtv music awards, which is something that would have obviously sent this nation into a tailspin from which we probably never would have recovered. run on sentences aside, darius is now a successful country music singer, which is something no black man had ever done before. or maybe someone had. science is presently unsure, as no one with an IQ above 6 listens to country music.

ben rothlisberger
 confirmed white nerd / white rapist
not many NFL quarterbacks have multiple sexual assaults to go along with their multiple super bowl rings. ben rothlisberger basically invented this exclusive club, so say what you will about him, but he's a trailblazer. in a rapey kind of way. white guys.

denzel washington
confirmed african-american
one of the few actors in hollywood who is on-par with michael dorn, denzel washington is the black equivalent of christopher walken, except he's not creepy looking and frail. aside from their unarguable level of dorky nerdiness, the worst thing about white people is how completely gross they look once they get old. black guys are like, "nah, i'll just shave my head and look awesome until i die." denzel is definitely not a white person, and is therefore awesome.

deathcab for cutie
confirmed as entirely white people
not only is each horrific member of deathcab for cutie a white person, but the only people on the planet who willingly listen to their verbal bloodvomit are the filthy disgusting hipster buttlickers you see bee-bopping around the gallery hop, farting into wine glasses and congratulating their friends on driving a prius. 99% of deathcab fans are allergic to a jimi hendrix guitar riff, a carter beauford drum fill, or a billy preston keyboard jaunt.

final score
awesome black people 4
white nerds 0

Nice Holiday Tips...

holidays are a time of great holiday spirit and good holiday cheer. nice stuff and delicious things are everywhere you look, and if you listen close, you can hear great sounds of nice people and friendly guys.

to get you in the great holiday spirit, fun things are everywhere. eating good food brings everyone together, and children unwrapping good presents makes people smile and feel nice. holiday sweaters make you remember reindeer and santa. making a great snowman tells you that the nice holiday season is a time for love.

friends eating meals takes you to warm houses and making a christmas tree is a nice way for good people to be happy.

listening to happy music about cold snow and great songs is a nice way to remind children that fun holidays are near. good will towards all men is a happy thing to do for everyone. candied canes and good for presents and smiles.

happy holidays from teams secret falcons.

Rick Perry...

earlier this week, my mother openly talked smack about natalie imbruglia's "torn" on facebook. just as a heads up, the next time you speak poorly of "torn" will be your last, dear mother.

i dont make threats. i tell you things that are going to happen.

now that the vicious and violent portion of this blog entry is out of the way, id like to get down to the meat of todays entry, which i like to call "people i want to see fall out of an airplane".

PEOPLE I WANT TO SEE FALL OUT OF AN AIRPLANE

it is a known fact that i am done voting for republicans for the rest of my life. sorry, GOP, but if you put a candidate in front of me like rick perry who says things like "theres something wrong in this country when gays can serve openly in the military, but our kids cant openly celebrate christmas or pray in school" you lose my vote for the rest of my life.

usually i go out of my way to not use profanity on team secret falcon or talk about politics in a serious manner, but i believe this is a time where both are completely necessary.

rick perry, you are an ignorant, backwoods, hillbilly shithead.

in what country to do you live? im curious, because i live in america where children, grownups, the elderly, lizards, golden retrievers, cartoon characters, and stupid idiot rednecks alike are allowed to celebrate any religious holiday they want - including christmas. i cant remember the last time i was putting up my christmas tree and the police broke down my door and killed my kids because they were celebrating the birth of christ. does this happen to you? does it?

and what do gays in the military or obamas alleged "war on religion" have to do with anything? seriously, you oblivious right-wing drunken asshole, i want to know. the only reason you could possibly mention gays in the military in your message would be to pander to the other insane extremest christian douchebags out there who are giving the rest of us a bad name. and if you associate yourself with those blind hate-mongering lunatics, well, fuck you.

and dont give me this shit about homosexuality being an abomination. first off, keep your religion out of MY government. it has zero place in the policies we put in place to govern our citizens. secondly, the god i know doesnt hate any person, place, or thing. the god i know is pure, flawless, clear and beautiful love. no hatred. for anyone. and if you put policies in place that promote inequality in gods name, well, fuck you even more.

it would be one thing if you were stupid. like, if you were mentally challenged and you believed in this hate-speech, i would understand. because it wouldnt be your fault. your mental capacity would limit you from fully understanding basic human rights. it would be a shame, but diminished mental capacity isnt something you can do anything about. but i believe that you are an intelligent individual, which makes your stances and beliefs pure and unadulterated absurdity based on ignorance, and ignorance alone. which makes you a dickface.

the saddest part about this isnt that you are a moron, and it isnt that you are stuck in some antiquated era where it is okay to keep basic human rights from people just because you think it somehow interferes with some of your dogmatic religious bullshit nonsense. the saddest part is that you actually have a platform, and that people listen to you. people like you are the reason racism, sexism, and most other isms and inequalities exist. which makes you even more of a dickface, you dickface.

ultimately what i say on this blog, along with my vote for president or any other elected office, doesnt matter. im just one voice heard by very few. you arent. you are one voice heard by millions and you choose to take that opportunity and responsibility to sling hateful, idiotic, hurtful, unenlightened, old-fashioned and obsolete rhetoric that a majority of the country disagrees with. which doesnt make you simply a dickface, it makes you a clueless dickface of the highest degree and order.

i think i speak for most of america (and the civilized world) when i say that rick perry needs to fall out of an airplane. parachute or no parachute, doesnt matter to me. i just want to see your archaic stupid ass come back down to earth a little bit.

my name is morgan hughes, and i approve this message.

The Scandals of 2011...

as a red-blooded american male who enjoys nice things and hates mean stuff, i am outraged at the latest scandal brought on by those who dont respect the "dont be a dickface" mantra by which i live. the hopes and dreams of people on december 31st, 2010, as they sipped their champagne and kissed their lovers / second cousins at the stroke of midnight, have given way to the unbridled disgrace and lunacy currently running amok over both our country and undeserved sense of societal superiority.

and if theres one thing americans hate more than anything else, its the sudden shock of realizing that we arent the most morally evolved society this planet has ever produced. QUICK SOMEONE PASS A LAW INVOLVING GOD IN OUR NATIONS OFFICIAL MOTTO.

whew, that was close.

the year of the american scandal began in tragic fashion on january 1st, when estonia adopted the euro currency and became the seventeenth eurozone country. americans everywhere hung their head in shame, as the positive press regarding estonia forced us to admit that the only thing we ever really knew about estonia was that brendan frasier pretended to be from there in the movie "encino man", when in fact he was simply an unfrozen caveman thawed about by sean astin and pauly shore while digging a pool in sean astins backyard in hopes of impressing robin on the night of senior prom. an embarrassment the american people would have to deal with for months and months to come.

on april 29th, prince william and and catherine middleton were married at westminster abbey, which is presumably a park or some sort of field somewhere across one of the hundreds of oceans that border north america. meanwhile, stateside, millions of americans took the day off of work to take in the festivities. the scandal hit a fever pitch in the 12th hour of wedding coverage, when americans realized they had gone an entire half of a day without watching a NASCAR race.

may 1st brought yet more shame on the US, as president obama confirmed that american forces had found and killed osama bin laden. americans everywhere took to the facebook, either proclaiming their excitement that the founder of al-qaeda had been killed, or their disgust that people were actually celebrating the loss of a human life. lost in all of the hullabaloo was the most important fact of all, which is that if you get into a political conversation on facebook, you are a douchebag.

on may 26th, former bosnian serb army commander ratko mladic, wanted for genocide, war crimes, and crimes against humanity, was arrested in serbia. on may 27th, MSNBC reported that ratko mladic had won the NBA finals MVP award, confusing the mass murderer for the star of the dallas mavericks, dirk nowitzki. americans everywhere felt the sting of disgrace when no one noticed.

may 31st brought americans to the deepest depths of their shame to date, as the band "deathcab for cutie" released their seventh studio album, "codes and keys", which has been confirmed by scientists at harvard as being the musical equivalent of an earthquake that kills a hospital full of newborn babies.

on october 31st, the global population reached seven billion people. of the seven billion, only 2% have seen "troop beverly hills", which is the apex of shelly longs acting career - including cheers. throw in a powerful performance by craig t nelson, a young tori spelling, a racist drunken cameo by cheech martin, an inspired kellie martin at her peak, and kareem abdul-jabars best performance since "airplane", and you have the recipe for a maddening scandal on a global scale from which we may never recover.

heal the world.