i was born in november of 1981, which makes me roughly 27 years old. i have spent my entire life forming relationships with people. some of these people i will always treasure as friends, some i will probably lose touch with over the years, and some i have completely phased out of my life because they savagely attacked me in my sleep with a baseball bat and a cup of urine.
when we are young, it is so easy to point to one person and say "that is my best friend in the whole wide world." they hold a very special place in our hearts, and we know we can go to them whenever we are feeling down and they will find their own special way to lift our spirits and make us feel whole again. as we grow older, it becomes tougher to know exactly who that person is in our lives. sometimes we doubt if we even have a best friend anymore.
i have found myself asking myself this question to myself recently, and i decided to come up with a mathematical formula that i can use to figure it out. but what variables do i use? how can i accurately assess who is my best friend and who is my worst enemy based purely on numbers and statistics? when will this frustration end? will i be forced to cut off my own head? could it eventually get that dramatic?
enter the wonderful world of facebook.
its simple, really. i click on someones profile. it shows me how many friends they have in total and how many friends we have in common. if someone is really my best friend, they will more than likely (read: definitely) have a good majority of friends in common with me. problem solved.
i have come up with a list of 30 individuals that i would think could possibly contend for my best friend status. after the numbers have been crunched, i have come up with 9 categories for everyone based on the total percentage of friends we have in common on faceook.
lets take a look at the results...
(names of the innocent have been slightly altered so that they will not be fired from their job for being mentioned on a blog that advocates the burning of small baby bald eagles. those people who have generic names or that dont give a crap are kept intact. thank you.)
STUPID LOSER ASSFACES
Bethaney Gala (3%)
Ashley Wheed (3%)
if you never see these people again, it is probably too soon. you wouldnt even consider inviting them to your wedding, as they mean absolutely nothing to you.
GET OUT OF MY LIFE FOREVER
Monkey Schoch (7%)
Brandon Kirby (8%)
no big surprise here. youve always hated both of these people. they bring nothing into your life, and you hope they both fall into the scioto river. twice.
BLAH - NO COMMENT
Dave French (21%)
Barndo Pargeion (21%)
Lori Stew (24%)
Bryan Zigler (24%)
Page Kydoch (29%)
these people mean very little to you. given the opportunity, you would probably pretend you didnt see them if you crossed paths at the grocery store. if they called you on the phone, you would send the call immediately to your voicemail.
OH, HEY - HOW HAVE YOU BEEN?
Sean Ryan (31%)
Bryan Buback (33%)
Steve Colson (37%)
Ashley Stradleman (39%)
seeing these people at the bar over thanksgiving break is the worst. you were once close enough with them where you actually have to engage in conversation, but you ultimately dont care about and wont remember anything they said to you. especially bubak. i hate that guy.
DRINKING BUDDIES
Christine Hughes (40%)
Lindsay Cowbreath (41%)
Allyson Skidmore (42%)
Sam Soterlades (42%)
TJ Wissman (43%)
Kyrsten Bernon (43%)
you know these people. they are fun to go out with, and you may even let them crash on your couch every now and then, but lets not go overboard with the friendship thing, okay? we will see each other when alcohol is involved, and thats it. i dont want to watch movies with you on sunday night and i sure as hell dont give two craps about your nieces or nephews.
DELIGHTFUL PEOPLE WITH SEXY FACES
Rob Weetun (49%)
Peter Sevendson (49%)
Kathleen Turner (49%)
you would gladly play in a softball league with these type of friends. if you are having a party, you invite them over. if you need to have a good cry because some kid bled on you and you think you might have HIV, these are your go-to-pals. chances are they probably like boones farm and they wear prescription deodorant.
YOU PROBABLY KNOW THEIR PARENTS NAMES
Rochelle Spangstein (53%)
Shane Ohlsen (54%)
Phil Miller (55%)
no doubt about it, you have serious joy-joy feelings for these people. most of your most treasured memories involve these friends, and you would be somewhat upset if they moved away or died tragically in a plane crash.
OH HEY MAN, YOU DRINKIN' SOME BEERS?
Ally Andarson (62%)
Ian Maunte (65%)
they are on the cusp of best-friends-forever status. you wouldnt feel bad if you urinated yourself while sleeping on their sofa, because you have done it before and you specifically remember not feeling bad when you did it. while you were awake. because you were too tired to walk to the toilet.
SUPER MAGICAL BEST FRIENDS
Alex Lantis (76%)
Bill Wagg (78%)
KristyP100 (87%)
your best friends! you would do anything for these people, including brutally murdering your own father. yay!
now hurry up, log onto facebook and find out who your super magical best friends are!
when we are young, it is so easy to point to one person and say "that is my best friend in the whole wide world." they hold a very special place in our hearts, and we know we can go to them whenever we are feeling down and they will find their own special way to lift our spirits and make us feel whole again. as we grow older, it becomes tougher to know exactly who that person is in our lives. sometimes we doubt if we even have a best friend anymore.
i have found myself asking myself this question to myself recently, and i decided to come up with a mathematical formula that i can use to figure it out. but what variables do i use? how can i accurately assess who is my best friend and who is my worst enemy based purely on numbers and statistics? when will this frustration end? will i be forced to cut off my own head? could it eventually get that dramatic?
enter the wonderful world of facebook.
its simple, really. i click on someones profile. it shows me how many friends they have in total and how many friends we have in common. if someone is really my best friend, they will more than likely (read: definitely) have a good majority of friends in common with me. problem solved.
i have come up with a list of 30 individuals that i would think could possibly contend for my best friend status. after the numbers have been crunched, i have come up with 9 categories for everyone based on the total percentage of friends we have in common on faceook.
lets take a look at the results...
(names of the innocent have been slightly altered so that they will not be fired from their job for being mentioned on a blog that advocates the burning of small baby bald eagles. those people who have generic names or that dont give a crap are kept intact. thank you.)
STUPID LOSER ASSFACES
Bethaney Gala (3%)
Ashley Wheed (3%)
if you never see these people again, it is probably too soon. you wouldnt even consider inviting them to your wedding, as they mean absolutely nothing to you.
GET OUT OF MY LIFE FOREVER
Monkey Schoch (7%)
Brandon Kirby (8%)
no big surprise here. youve always hated both of these people. they bring nothing into your life, and you hope they both fall into the scioto river. twice.
BLAH - NO COMMENT
Dave French (21%)
Barndo Pargeion (21%)
Lori Stew (24%)
Bryan Zigler (24%)
Page Kydoch (29%)
these people mean very little to you. given the opportunity, you would probably pretend you didnt see them if you crossed paths at the grocery store. if they called you on the phone, you would send the call immediately to your voicemail.
OH, HEY - HOW HAVE YOU BEEN?
Sean Ryan (31%)
Bryan Buback (33%)
Steve Colson (37%)
Ashley Stradleman (39%)
seeing these people at the bar over thanksgiving break is the worst. you were once close enough with them where you actually have to engage in conversation, but you ultimately dont care about and wont remember anything they said to you. especially bubak. i hate that guy.
DRINKING BUDDIES
Christine Hughes (40%)
Lindsay Cowbreath (41%)
Allyson Skidmore (42%)
Sam Soterlades (42%)
TJ Wissman (43%)
Kyrsten Bernon (43%)
you know these people. they are fun to go out with, and you may even let them crash on your couch every now and then, but lets not go overboard with the friendship thing, okay? we will see each other when alcohol is involved, and thats it. i dont want to watch movies with you on sunday night and i sure as hell dont give two craps about your nieces or nephews.
DELIGHTFUL PEOPLE WITH SEXY FACES
Rob Weetun (49%)
Peter Sevendson (49%)
Kathleen Turner (49%)
you would gladly play in a softball league with these type of friends. if you are having a party, you invite them over. if you need to have a good cry because some kid bled on you and you think you might have HIV, these are your go-to-pals. chances are they probably like boones farm and they wear prescription deodorant.
YOU PROBABLY KNOW THEIR PARENTS NAMES
Rochelle Spangstein (53%)
Shane Ohlsen (54%)
Phil Miller (55%)
no doubt about it, you have serious joy-joy feelings for these people. most of your most treasured memories involve these friends, and you would be somewhat upset if they moved away or died tragically in a plane crash.
OH HEY MAN, YOU DRINKIN' SOME BEERS?
Ally Andarson (62%)
Ian Maunte (65%)
they are on the cusp of best-friends-forever status. you wouldnt feel bad if you urinated yourself while sleeping on their sofa, because you have done it before and you specifically remember not feeling bad when you did it. while you were awake. because you were too tired to walk to the toilet.
SUPER MAGICAL BEST FRIENDS
Alex Lantis (76%)
Bill Wagg (78%)
KristyP100 (87%)
your best friends! you would do anything for these people, including brutally murdering your own father. yay!
now hurry up, log onto facebook and find out who your super magical best friends are!
how the hell does bubak have more people in common with you than i do?
ReplyDeleteAnd it's sad to see that i came dangerously close to the "blah no comment" category. Let's not forget who gave you your first hernia and made you cry at your first sleepover.
Actually this makes me feel soooo much better about ignoring you when I saw you at the Lion's Den. And I never call you anyway.
ReplyDeleteAre you saying i'm some sort of social butterfly?
ReplyDeleteChris Burgh (15%) = GET OUT OF MY LIFE FOREVER
ReplyDelete1981.What a year.Any time you feel like your an old man Morgo, remember, when you where hatched in the TSF nest, I already had hair on my..well you know.I think my first divorce was in 1981.I dont really remember if it was lucky Mrs.E #1 or #2 or what.So many gold diggers, so little time.Math cant tell you who your friends are Morgo.To test for true friendship, think of anyone who helps you move your stuff when you change residence.Anyone who will forego their own plans to help you haul around your ragged out living room furniture wants to be around because they like you and no other reason.
ReplyDeletefirst of all... spell my name right a-hole. second im sorry i didnt go to HIGHSCHOOL with you to know all your sweet friends. and third... maybe we would have more friends in common if you CALLED ME WHEN YOU WERE COMING TO CINCINNATI! Jerk Face. You will not live that down. Poop and pee
ReplyDeleteI just saw this Blog and I want you to know the feeling is mutual.
ReplyDeleteP.S. Stay out of my room you homo!