as you probably remember, from time to time i do some freelance writing for our honor defend - a kick ass buckeye blog that asks questions of its readers from time to time. from time to time i answer these questions, and the nice boys over at OHD use my responses in their wrap-ups from time to time. my answers are always completely off base and frequently feature stories featuring brandon fuss-cheatum, but from time to time that is exactly what you need inside of your eyes ears nose and mouth from time to time.
round three...
1) Why are you a buckeye?
first of all, get your damn hand off of my thigh - that is my personal space and i will thank you to respect the fact that you almost always have to get me drunk in order to touch me there. secondly, i am already drunk and you can go ahead and keep touching me. thanks.
not really sure how to answer this question, because, ummm, how could i not be a buckeye? i grew up in upper arlington, which is within short walking distance of campus. aside from that, in the summer of 2002 i was taken prisoner by matt terwilliger and brandon fuss-cheatum who tied me up in the basement of the alamo and forced me to watch ken-yon rambo highlight tapes for an entire week. they let me go once i agreed to be a buckeye fan for life. i dare not go back on my work. THA WIGGLER IS WATCHING.
2) What do you do when you meet a "hater"?
having lived in michigan from 2004-2008, i have met my fair share of haters in my day. some were harmless, some were trying to pick a fight, and a rare few were looking to actually engage me in real, informed college football conversation.
its very "in" to hate on ohio state right now. its low hanging fruit. yes, we lost to florida badly. yes, we lost to LSU. yes, we got blown-out by USC. but there isnt one single solitary sentence that a person could utter that would change the fact that since jim tressel came to town, ohio state has accumulated the following...
83-19 record
6 BCS games appearances
5 big ten championships
7-1 record against michigan
3 national championship game appearances
1 national championship
you dont EVER have to apologize to ANYONE for playing for a national championship, regardless of the outcome. bottom line, bobs your uncle, the end.
3) Iis it possible to rationally hate Michigan?
yes and no.
on one hand, i hate michigan. i hate ann arbor. i hate the snooty student body. i hate the big house. i hate waiting in line for an hour to pee at the big house. i hate their piss colored basketball uniforms. i hate their lame and repetitive fight song. i hate those nancy boy winged helmets. i hate lloyd carrs attitude. i hate desmond howard on college gameday. the two kids i hated most in high school BOTH ended up at the university of michigan, which is not a coincidence. i hate how overrated they are to start every season. i hate them for 2-10-1. i hate them for ruining season after season during my childhood. i hate dick rodriguez. i hate the blue and yellow color combination. i hate their backwards redneck fans who have the audacity to call buckeye fans "white trash".
on the other hand, i have tremendous respect for their football program and their academic institution. when michigan is good, college football is better. i want michigan to win as many games as possible, so it hurts them more when we beat them. i cant say enough good things about bo schembechler. they put more quaterbacks into the NFL than anyone else. they are great for the big ten, except when they suck. like now. i love how people in toledo consider themselves to be from michigan, which michigan fans delight in, as if anyone in the entire state of ohio gives two solid shits about toledo.
the best rivalries have always had foundations based in respect. if you hate someone or something just for the sake of hating them, or because you were told to hate them, you are nothing more than a dim-witted follower. a sheep. a hooligan.
i have deep respect for everything michigan stands for and everything they have accomplished both as an athletic department and an academic institution. they are truly one of the great universities in this country.
that being said, screw blue. muck fichigan. i dont give a damn for your whole state - i'm from ohio. you make sick. you literally make me feel ill. that is how much i dislike you. i hate michigan more than i hate anything else in the entire world. it is a different kind of hate, a tangible hate, a hate that you can reach out and touch. i would rather cut off my penis than root for michigan.
blah.
4) How do you handle people in your life who aren't Buckeye fans? How do you handle people scheduling events during football season?
i try not to handle them at all.
no, but seriously - this is how my life works. i am a buckeye fanatic. i love ohio state football and basketball more than most people love their own human children. a good majority of my closest friends and family members are ohio state fans, so its usually not an issue. people know that i am unavailable on weekends during the fall, and they usually are equally as unavailable for anything non buckeye related.
i can only think of two games that i have missed since middle school, and i listened to both on the radio as best i could. the 2006 northwestern game and the 2008 troy game - and dont even get me started on the troy game, as i have a lot of anger for people who get married during college football season. and i dont care what anyone thinks about that. its how i feel.
YOU ARE FROM OHIO. YOU UNDERSTAND THAT THIS IS A BIG DEAL TO MOST REASONABLE PEOPLE FROM OUR STATE. THERE ARE 52 WEEKENDS IN A YEAR, AND OHIO STATE PLAYS FOOTBALL DURING 13 OF THEM. PICK ANY OF THE REMAINING 39 WEEKENDS. HIRE AN UNTRAINED MONKEY AND HAVE HIM POINT TO A CALENDER. CHANCES ARE HE IS GOING TO POINT TO A WEEK WHERE THERE ISNT AN OHIO STATE FOOTBALL GAME. GET MARRIED THAT WEEKEND. IT ISNT HARD OR COMPLICATED. JUST DONT GET MARRIED DURING COLLEGE FOOTBALL SEASON.
at the very least, get married during an off week. if there isnt an off week, get married before or after the games start or end. or get married on a friday or sunday. its cheaper.
sorry, i am ranting. what was the question?
5) Whats your policy on sporting Buckeye regalia? Do you roll loud and proud outside of Columbus and/or on non-game days?
my general rule of thumb is this - wear ohio state gear whenever possible, but keep your football jersey in your closet until gameday. and just because beanie isnt playing for the bucks anymore doesnt mean you cant wear your 28. and if you are going to buy a jersey, buy a freaking nike jersey - enough with the crude-looking knock-offs. and enough with the "O-H......I-O" chants while walking down the street, we get it already.
and enough with the four person picture with the four people spelling out O-H-I-O. my roommates went to europe last summer and judging by their pictures, all they did was go from town to town spelling out OHIO with their arms and buying scarfs. take one picture and be done with it.
and ladies, let me be clear - the shorter the jean skirt you wear with your jersey on gameday, the better. and guys, no more slightly tilted to the side, flat billed wankster hats. if you want to be a douchebag, make it official, move to california and stop paying attention to sports. start watching MMA. youll have your very own case of genital herpes in no time.
round three...
1) Why are you a buckeye?
first of all, get your damn hand off of my thigh - that is my personal space and i will thank you to respect the fact that you almost always have to get me drunk in order to touch me there. secondly, i am already drunk and you can go ahead and keep touching me. thanks.
not really sure how to answer this question, because, ummm, how could i not be a buckeye? i grew up in upper arlington, which is within short walking distance of campus. aside from that, in the summer of 2002 i was taken prisoner by matt terwilliger and brandon fuss-cheatum who tied me up in the basement of the alamo and forced me to watch ken-yon rambo highlight tapes for an entire week. they let me go once i agreed to be a buckeye fan for life. i dare not go back on my work. THA WIGGLER IS WATCHING.
2) What do you do when you meet a "hater"?
having lived in michigan from 2004-2008, i have met my fair share of haters in my day. some were harmless, some were trying to pick a fight, and a rare few were looking to actually engage me in real, informed college football conversation.
its very "in" to hate on ohio state right now. its low hanging fruit. yes, we lost to florida badly. yes, we lost to LSU. yes, we got blown-out by USC. but there isnt one single solitary sentence that a person could utter that would change the fact that since jim tressel came to town, ohio state has accumulated the following...
83-19 record
6 BCS games appearances
5 big ten championships
7-1 record against michigan
3 national championship game appearances
1 national championship
you dont EVER have to apologize to ANYONE for playing for a national championship, regardless of the outcome. bottom line, bobs your uncle, the end.
3) Iis it possible to rationally hate Michigan?
yes and no.
on one hand, i hate michigan. i hate ann arbor. i hate the snooty student body. i hate the big house. i hate waiting in line for an hour to pee at the big house. i hate their piss colored basketball uniforms. i hate their lame and repetitive fight song. i hate those nancy boy winged helmets. i hate lloyd carrs attitude. i hate desmond howard on college gameday. the two kids i hated most in high school BOTH ended up at the university of michigan, which is not a coincidence. i hate how overrated they are to start every season. i hate them for 2-10-1. i hate them for ruining season after season during my childhood. i hate dick rodriguez. i hate the blue and yellow color combination. i hate their backwards redneck fans who have the audacity to call buckeye fans "white trash".
on the other hand, i have tremendous respect for their football program and their academic institution. when michigan is good, college football is better. i want michigan to win as many games as possible, so it hurts them more when we beat them. i cant say enough good things about bo schembechler. they put more quaterbacks into the NFL than anyone else. they are great for the big ten, except when they suck. like now. i love how people in toledo consider themselves to be from michigan, which michigan fans delight in, as if anyone in the entire state of ohio gives two solid shits about toledo.
the best rivalries have always had foundations based in respect. if you hate someone or something just for the sake of hating them, or because you were told to hate them, you are nothing more than a dim-witted follower. a sheep. a hooligan.
i have deep respect for everything michigan stands for and everything they have accomplished both as an athletic department and an academic institution. they are truly one of the great universities in this country.
that being said, screw blue. muck fichigan. i dont give a damn for your whole state - i'm from ohio. you make sick. you literally make me feel ill. that is how much i dislike you. i hate michigan more than i hate anything else in the entire world. it is a different kind of hate, a tangible hate, a hate that you can reach out and touch. i would rather cut off my penis than root for michigan.
blah.
4) How do you handle people in your life who aren't Buckeye fans? How do you handle people scheduling events during football season?
i try not to handle them at all.
no, but seriously - this is how my life works. i am a buckeye fanatic. i love ohio state football and basketball more than most people love their own human children. a good majority of my closest friends and family members are ohio state fans, so its usually not an issue. people know that i am unavailable on weekends during the fall, and they usually are equally as unavailable for anything non buckeye related.
i can only think of two games that i have missed since middle school, and i listened to both on the radio as best i could. the 2006 northwestern game and the 2008 troy game - and dont even get me started on the troy game, as i have a lot of anger for people who get married during college football season. and i dont care what anyone thinks about that. its how i feel.
YOU ARE FROM OHIO. YOU UNDERSTAND THAT THIS IS A BIG DEAL TO MOST REASONABLE PEOPLE FROM OUR STATE. THERE ARE 52 WEEKENDS IN A YEAR, AND OHIO STATE PLAYS FOOTBALL DURING 13 OF THEM. PICK ANY OF THE REMAINING 39 WEEKENDS. HIRE AN UNTRAINED MONKEY AND HAVE HIM POINT TO A CALENDER. CHANCES ARE HE IS GOING TO POINT TO A WEEK WHERE THERE ISNT AN OHIO STATE FOOTBALL GAME. GET MARRIED THAT WEEKEND. IT ISNT HARD OR COMPLICATED. JUST DONT GET MARRIED DURING COLLEGE FOOTBALL SEASON.
at the very least, get married during an off week. if there isnt an off week, get married before or after the games start or end. or get married on a friday or sunday. its cheaper.
sorry, i am ranting. what was the question?
5) Whats your policy on sporting Buckeye regalia? Do you roll loud and proud outside of Columbus and/or on non-game days?
my general rule of thumb is this - wear ohio state gear whenever possible, but keep your football jersey in your closet until gameday. and just because beanie isnt playing for the bucks anymore doesnt mean you cant wear your 28. and if you are going to buy a jersey, buy a freaking nike jersey - enough with the crude-looking knock-offs. and enough with the "O-H......I-O" chants while walking down the street, we get it already.
and enough with the four person picture with the four people spelling out O-H-I-O. my roommates went to europe last summer and judging by their pictures, all they did was go from town to town spelling out OHIO with their arms and buying scarfs. take one picture and be done with it.
and ladies, let me be clear - the shorter the jean skirt you wear with your jersey on gameday, the better. and guys, no more slightly tilted to the side, flat billed wankster hats. if you want to be a douchebag, make it official, move to california and stop paying attention to sports. start watching MMA. youll have your very own case of genital herpes in no time.
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4 comments:
May I point out the arrogance that is THE Ohio State University...
They are THE only university in the country that puts "The" in front of their name. Sounds a bit, ok - a lot more pretentious than HHHHHAAAAAarvard.
So when the stadium starts spelling out O-H-I-O... are they really cheering for the institution that is about 80 miles SE down route 33? After all, it was Ohio's first university.
Also, you neglected to put in your fashion comments that buckeye necklaces on guys... a little homo..
Morgan-
I very much agree with your comments. However, you could make "going pee pee" at the big house less of an issue if you'd just learn to use a urinal. The rest of us conquered this task as toddlers. No one is going to look at your man region.
The funny thing is that they've "dumbed down" the big house... you don't have to use a urinal or a trough... One just has to pee on the wall.
Good point, Gus. You don't even have to unzip your fly. Just piss out the bottom of your pant leg and be done with it.
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