Need Reasons To Be Angry?

hop on facebook. read status updates. try to hold back the vomit building in the depths of your throat. fight the urge to puke. relent. spew all over your keyboard.

wash. rinse. repeat.

the following are a few of the many types of facebook users that make me want to die...

I HATE YOU AND YOUR ASS FACE

* wanksters-who-quote-hip-hop-song-lyrics - since i grew up in a suburb of columbus, i am not friends with any real black people. while this makes me the worst possible type of white person in the eyes of most hipsters, it also gives me pure, unadulterated hatred for white people that i grew up with that one day suddenly become thug masters who speak like eminem and still think at age 28 that they are this close to breaking into the hip-hop mainstream. guess what? youre not. and how do i know this? because we were in cub scouts together, i know your mother, i have been to your house, and you are the farthest thing from gangster that a person could possibly be.

you dont have to be an OG to type "picture me rollin..." into your staus update field. and just because you host an open mic night at your friends bar doesnt make you a DJ. and i swear on everything holy that if i see one more picture of you flashing an expressionless look at the camera with your head tilted slightly at an angle towards the sky, i am going to tell a real black person what you are doing and they are going to come pistol-whip you in the face until you drop the accent and start wearing tapered jeans again.

* OMGIHAVEABOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND/FIANCE!!!11!1!! - okay, we get it - you are engaged. you are about to get married. you have a boyfriend. you wish you were spending time with your girlfriend. your fiance sent you flowers for no reason and it makes your birth canal want to explode with happy-happy-joy-joy feelings of bliss. THANK YOU FOR SHARING.

it seems to me that the people who share the most about their wonderful relationships on facebook are the type of people who actually arent completely one-hundred percent sure about their feelings, so they need to post some retarded romance drivel in the hopes that one of their friends will reply with a comment like "omg you are so lucky to have him!!!" and it will magically make them feel like they are doing the right thing and will put their doubts to rest. only it doesnt. so they keep doing it. and keep doing it. and keep doing it. until you find yourself balled up in a corner staring at the burning carnage of your computer as the lighter fluid you poured onto the screen to make the pain stop feeds the flames and you feel the heat on your naked body as you consume a mason jar filled with your own urine.

CANT WAIT FOR MY BETTER HALF TO GET HOME! WISH MY MAN WAS HERE! MISS MY LITTLE HONEY-BUNNY! I LOVE MY WEDDING RING! ONLY 86 DAYS TILL THE WEDDING!

the more you talk about the person you are in a relationship with in such a way, the greater the chances are that i am going to train an attack dog to viciously attack them and tear off their genitals. just so you know.

* the-one-million-quiz-quiz-taker - which friends cast member are you? are you left or right handed? how many voices do you hear inside of your head? which dixie chick do you want to assault? how many cats should you own? when will you get married? how many licks does it take to get the to center of a tootsie pop? what percent of you is fairy princess?

its okay to want to take those fun little quizzes that let you know exactly which decade you should have been born in, but please do so in moderation. and it is not necessary to publish the results into your news feed for all to see. i have a facebook friend that is pregnant and keeps taking those tests that tell you when you are going to get pregnant, and when it says that she will get pregnant in 2012 she has a LOL attack and thinks the test is sooooooooo hilarious for being so wrong. yeah, we get it - you are pregnant. ive said it before and i will say it again - human being have been pushing smaller human beings out of them since the beginning of time, and they will continue to do so long after you are dead and buried.

and if you want to figure out when that will be, there is probably a facebook test that will let you know. but im hoping for soon.

* my-life-sucks-please-pity-me - you know the type...

"couldnt get out of bed this morning. soooo tired. wish the weekend was here :( blah"

"i hate my job. i dont know how they expect me to do this much. plus my boss is an asshole."

"why is it that i cant meet a nice guy who just wants to spend time with me and doesnt mind the fact that i am a relentless narcissist who only wants to talk about me and how unique i am. sigh."

a) go to bed earlier. you can watch the real housewives of atlanta marathon over the weekend.
b) get a new job. oh, whats that? you are too lazy? then shut up.
c) i am really finding it hard to believe that every guy in america doesnt want to get into a relationship with a self-consumed, vain sex and the city addict who expects mr big to pull up next to them on the street in his private limo and save them from their diamond-in-the-rough existence. why dont you just stop taking your birth control and sleep around until you hit the baby jackpot. good talk.

* i-have-a-blog-and-i-need-you-to-know-about-it-at-all-times-every-single-day-of-your-life - oh wait, thats me. anyway, i hate those people too.