with more americans eating fast food than ever, cases of diabetes at an all-time high, and mainstream vampire popularity surging at an irresponsible pace, it has become more important than ever to live a healthy lifestyle. the problem is, most americans have less and less time in their day as the stresses of marriage, children, and keeping up with all of the harry potter and twilight books requires their full-time attention.
fear not, huddled masses - team secret falcon is here to impart some wisdom all over your lower pubic region. in part one of this one part series, i will let you in on some secrets that will better equip you to lead that healthy and happy life that has seemingly been just out of reach for so long.
and when team secret falcon tells you to do something, you do it. when team secret falcon says jump, you ask "how high?"
when team secret falcon tells you its easter, you start coloring eggs.
TIPS FOR A HEALTHY LIFE
* take care of your body - you only get one! its important not to overwork yourself. remember to rest, and try not to move as much as possible. using your arms and legs while you are young will only serve to sap them of critical energy that you will need to draw upon when you are older. every day seventy-four million people in the state of ohio lose their life due to accidents associated with treadmills. dont play their game.
* more = better! you are always looking to accumulate more money, right? and more possessions, right? well the same thing goes for body mass - the more body mass you accumulate, the more power you will have to fight off late-life threats to your health such as alzheimers, heart disease, and evil anamorphic hamsters bent on world domination. plan ahead!
* get started early! childhood obesity is one of the most effective ways to attain a spot on fun game shows like celebrity fit club and the biggest loser. your chances of winning millions of dollars in prize money on a weight loss game show drops drastically the longer you wait to put on the weight. yeah, you may feel full after an entire meal at the dinner table, but couldnt you fit just a few more helpings of cheesy potatoes and spaghetti in while you are at it? hell yes you could. believe in your dreams!
* pay attention to colors! nature has its own way of telling you would you should and should not be eating. if something isnt a natural color, chances are you shouldnt be eating it. cabbage is a big no-no. how many times in nature do you see something that is purple? exactly. the same thing goes for yellow peppers. the only thing i can think of that is yellow is the sun, and we all know that if you touch the sun you run a high risk of hurting your eyes unless you are wearing an adequate amount of SPF 15 sunscreen. try some vault soda - its green! like grass! how about some hostess cupcakes? they are brown. yep - just like the dirt that makes up 98% of the earths mass! eating smart is so very important. think for yourself!
* there are certain diseases and afflictions that only men or only women have to worry about. for instance, did you know that men are the only gender out of all four that are affected by heart attacks? and women are the only people on the entire planet that have to worry about vagina cancer? spending your life worrying about things that scientifically cannot hurt you is taking away valuable time that you could be using to save energy in your legs for later in life (see tip #1) or training to be on the biggest loser (see tip #3). women who sit around and worry about sudden infant death syndrome (a problem that only shows in middle-aged men) are wasting as much time as white people who want to play professional sports that dont take place on an ice rink. dont waste your time!
* cardiovascular disease is a serious threat to all of humanity. use as many forms of birth control as are available to you.
* every minute, twelve people in columbus choke to death on various fruits and vegetables. broccoli alone is responsible for over six-hundred thousand deaths a day in third-world developing countries like cambodia and mexico. if you elect me to the city council, i will fight for your rights as human being to not be threatened by these statistical murdering menaces to society.
* dreams just dont happen by themselves! dreams are of critical importance when speaking of long-term brain health, and they require viable energy to fuel their presence while you sleep. its important to consume many carbonated, caffeinated drinks with high sugar levels about thirty minutes before climbing into bed. the surgeon general recommends products such as mountain dew, red bull, dr pepper, and jolt cola as a part of a balanced late-night food plan.
* three squares a day = no way! recently, scientists in london discovered a previously unknown part of a balanced diet that is of utmost importance to a living a long, healthy life. it is known as "fourth meal", and usually contains high (but completely healthy) levels of sour cream, cheese, "mild sauce", and a soupy combination of refried beans and questionable meat substitute. it is best to consume "fourth meal" somewhere between the hours of 1am and 4am, immediately after ingesting large amounts of malted alcoholic beverages.
now get out there and start living your life the right way! the healthy way! the team secret falcon way!
fear not, huddled masses - team secret falcon is here to impart some wisdom all over your lower pubic region. in part one of this one part series, i will let you in on some secrets that will better equip you to lead that healthy and happy life that has seemingly been just out of reach for so long.
and when team secret falcon tells you to do something, you do it. when team secret falcon says jump, you ask "how high?"
when team secret falcon tells you its easter, you start coloring eggs.
TIPS FOR A HEALTHY LIFE
* take care of your body - you only get one! its important not to overwork yourself. remember to rest, and try not to move as much as possible. using your arms and legs while you are young will only serve to sap them of critical energy that you will need to draw upon when you are older. every day seventy-four million people in the state of ohio lose their life due to accidents associated with treadmills. dont play their game.
* more = better! you are always looking to accumulate more money, right? and more possessions, right? well the same thing goes for body mass - the more body mass you accumulate, the more power you will have to fight off late-life threats to your health such as alzheimers, heart disease, and evil anamorphic hamsters bent on world domination. plan ahead!
* get started early! childhood obesity is one of the most effective ways to attain a spot on fun game shows like celebrity fit club and the biggest loser. your chances of winning millions of dollars in prize money on a weight loss game show drops drastically the longer you wait to put on the weight. yeah, you may feel full after an entire meal at the dinner table, but couldnt you fit just a few more helpings of cheesy potatoes and spaghetti in while you are at it? hell yes you could. believe in your dreams!
* pay attention to colors! nature has its own way of telling you would you should and should not be eating. if something isnt a natural color, chances are you shouldnt be eating it. cabbage is a big no-no. how many times in nature do you see something that is purple? exactly. the same thing goes for yellow peppers. the only thing i can think of that is yellow is the sun, and we all know that if you touch the sun you run a high risk of hurting your eyes unless you are wearing an adequate amount of SPF 15 sunscreen. try some vault soda - its green! like grass! how about some hostess cupcakes? they are brown. yep - just like the dirt that makes up 98% of the earths mass! eating smart is so very important. think for yourself!
* there are certain diseases and afflictions that only men or only women have to worry about. for instance, did you know that men are the only gender out of all four that are affected by heart attacks? and women are the only people on the entire planet that have to worry about vagina cancer? spending your life worrying about things that scientifically cannot hurt you is taking away valuable time that you could be using to save energy in your legs for later in life (see tip #1) or training to be on the biggest loser (see tip #3). women who sit around and worry about sudden infant death syndrome (a problem that only shows in middle-aged men) are wasting as much time as white people who want to play professional sports that dont take place on an ice rink. dont waste your time!
* cardiovascular disease is a serious threat to all of humanity. use as many forms of birth control as are available to you.
* every minute, twelve people in columbus choke to death on various fruits and vegetables. broccoli alone is responsible for over six-hundred thousand deaths a day in third-world developing countries like cambodia and mexico. if you elect me to the city council, i will fight for your rights as human being to not be threatened by these statistical murdering menaces to society.
* dreams just dont happen by themselves! dreams are of critical importance when speaking of long-term brain health, and they require viable energy to fuel their presence while you sleep. its important to consume many carbonated, caffeinated drinks with high sugar levels about thirty minutes before climbing into bed. the surgeon general recommends products such as mountain dew, red bull, dr pepper, and jolt cola as a part of a balanced late-night food plan.
* three squares a day = no way! recently, scientists in london discovered a previously unknown part of a balanced diet that is of utmost importance to a living a long, healthy life. it is known as "fourth meal", and usually contains high (but completely healthy) levels of sour cream, cheese, "mild sauce", and a soupy combination of refried beans and questionable meat substitute. it is best to consume "fourth meal" somewhere between the hours of 1am and 4am, immediately after ingesting large amounts of malted alcoholic beverages.
now get out there and start living your life the right way! the healthy way! the team secret falcon way!
some purple foods
ReplyDelete- eggplant, plum, barney, grapes
some yellow foods
-bananas, lemons, squash, mac-n-cheese, big bird
your theory still remains in tact... although 75% of homosexual Muslims think mac-n-cheese is bad for you.. as u know u cannot argue with science... or Allah Akbar u can't argue with Allah