dear TSF - my parents dont understand me. they are always hassling me and making me do things i dont want to do. what can i do to make them chill out? -Jenny Savage - Dyersville, IA
jenny - growing up is hard. there are always going to be kids you dont like, things you dont want to do, and parental interference at seemingly every turn. but heres the little secret that adults dont want you to know - it doesnt get any easier when you grow up. there are still people you dont like, only there are more of them and chances are they make more money than you. the things you dont want to do arent school-related anymore - they are life related. like, say, you dont feel like going to work anymore. so you dont. and you dont get paid. and you cant eat. then you die.
and your parents still hassle you, only its not about going to sports practice or doing your homework. its about getting married and giving them grandchildren, both of which are WAY worse than going to lacrosse practice and getting exercise for ninety minutes. because there is no off-season from marriage. there are no three month long summer breaks from being a grown up. there are no homecoming dances, substitute teachers, spring breaks, or ten days off from work because its christmas.
and just when adults think they have everything figured out, they have punk-ass teenagers like you who think that they know everything and shouldnt be bothered to visit their grandparents, or take out the trash, or come home before 9pm on a school night busting their chops on a nightly basis. this is why your parents are always so stressed out. because of you.
thats the unfortunate thing about babies that no one tells newlyweds or young couples drunk on pinot noir and illogical child-related fantasies. newborns become toddlers, toddlers become kids, kids become teenagers, and teenagers are the worst human beings on the planet.
in summation, jenny, i am so very sorry that your parents occasionally give you grief. if you would like to, go ahead and send me your address. when you are walking to the bus stop tomorrow morning ill run you over with my buick and put you out of your misery.
team secret falcon - my husband and i have begun to drift apart recently. its not that i dont love him, and its not that i dont think he is a great father; we just seem to have nothing in common anymore. what should i do? -janis robocop - white plains, KA
janis, my guess is that the only thing you ever really had in common in the first place was that you were both dating each other for a couple years in your mid to late twenties, and you were both to damn lazy to admit that your relationship wasnt that great and that both of you probably would have been better off looking for love somewhere else. so excuse me if i dont exactly feel sorry for you. because you were lazy as hell when you were fifteen years younger, and my guess is that you are about fifteen years more lazy now.
lets not kid around here, and please dont try to bullshit a bullshitter. chances are you wont directly deal with this realization. chances are you will let it fester and build until one day you do something stupid like have an affair, or explode in his face about some meaningless little thing like a broken dishwasher. then youll tell him how you never really loved him in the first place, he will reveal that he has been sticking it to your cousin for three months, and youll both unintentionally cause the next six generations of your family to have serious commitment issues. stop wasting my time, and get back to your smart ones frozen lunch and shopping on macys.com. thanks.
dear TSF - in order of awesomeness, how would you rank all of the star trek series? -brent spiner - hollywood, CA
a valid and super bomb-ass question, brent. by the way - i loved you in "independence day" and "dude, wheres my car?"
my personal feelings are as follows...
1. the next generation
2. enterprise
3. voyager
4. deep space nine
5. original series
6. animated series
if you ask me this question again in five minutes, 2-4 could be completely different. everyone knows that the next generation is by far the most awesome and badass star trek anything ever, even if season one was ridiculous and wesley crusher makes me want to vomit blood. the original series is pretty outdated, but i can see why people from that era love it. the animated series was an insult, and i hate that its even considered cannon. enterprise being cancelled was a tragedy. i loved the continuity of deep space nine - you never got season long story arcs out of any other of the series. voyager had, like, a million borg episodes - which was always a plus.
and picard was the best captain. thats not even up for debate.
TSF - what was the one thing from your childhood that most shaped the person you are today? -kevin arnold - green bay, WI
when i was six years old, i watched the nazis burn my birth mother alive and replace her with the woman i know refer to as "mom".
this tragedy taught me a lot about fire safety.
falcon blog - what ever happened to "flood pants"? -jerry revish - columbus, OH
you mean shpants? those half shorts, half pants things that girls wore in the late 90s / early 00s? good question.
i think because of global warming, there is a less lkely chance of flash floods in this country, therefore women are less likely to incorporate emergency fashion into their everyday life. either that, or they finally figured out how ridiculous they looked.
dear TSF - would you rather get runned over by a lawn mower, blowed up by a bomb, or have boogers in your hair? -a three year old peter hughes - columbus, OH
i told you this in 1989, and i will tell you again - this question makes absolutely no sense. but if i had to choose, i suppose i would rather get runned over by a lawn mower. having boogers in your hair would be the worst.
jenny - growing up is hard. there are always going to be kids you dont like, things you dont want to do, and parental interference at seemingly every turn. but heres the little secret that adults dont want you to know - it doesnt get any easier when you grow up. there are still people you dont like, only there are more of them and chances are they make more money than you. the things you dont want to do arent school-related anymore - they are life related. like, say, you dont feel like going to work anymore. so you dont. and you dont get paid. and you cant eat. then you die.
and your parents still hassle you, only its not about going to sports practice or doing your homework. its about getting married and giving them grandchildren, both of which are WAY worse than going to lacrosse practice and getting exercise for ninety minutes. because there is no off-season from marriage. there are no three month long summer breaks from being a grown up. there are no homecoming dances, substitute teachers, spring breaks, or ten days off from work because its christmas.
and just when adults think they have everything figured out, they have punk-ass teenagers like you who think that they know everything and shouldnt be bothered to visit their grandparents, or take out the trash, or come home before 9pm on a school night busting their chops on a nightly basis. this is why your parents are always so stressed out. because of you.
thats the unfortunate thing about babies that no one tells newlyweds or young couples drunk on pinot noir and illogical child-related fantasies. newborns become toddlers, toddlers become kids, kids become teenagers, and teenagers are the worst human beings on the planet.
in summation, jenny, i am so very sorry that your parents occasionally give you grief. if you would like to, go ahead and send me your address. when you are walking to the bus stop tomorrow morning ill run you over with my buick and put you out of your misery.
team secret falcon - my husband and i have begun to drift apart recently. its not that i dont love him, and its not that i dont think he is a great father; we just seem to have nothing in common anymore. what should i do? -janis robocop - white plains, KA
janis, my guess is that the only thing you ever really had in common in the first place was that you were both dating each other for a couple years in your mid to late twenties, and you were both to damn lazy to admit that your relationship wasnt that great and that both of you probably would have been better off looking for love somewhere else. so excuse me if i dont exactly feel sorry for you. because you were lazy as hell when you were fifteen years younger, and my guess is that you are about fifteen years more lazy now.
lets not kid around here, and please dont try to bullshit a bullshitter. chances are you wont directly deal with this realization. chances are you will let it fester and build until one day you do something stupid like have an affair, or explode in his face about some meaningless little thing like a broken dishwasher. then youll tell him how you never really loved him in the first place, he will reveal that he has been sticking it to your cousin for three months, and youll both unintentionally cause the next six generations of your family to have serious commitment issues. stop wasting my time, and get back to your smart ones frozen lunch and shopping on macys.com. thanks.
dear TSF - in order of awesomeness, how would you rank all of the star trek series? -brent spiner - hollywood, CA
a valid and super bomb-ass question, brent. by the way - i loved you in "independence day" and "dude, wheres my car?"
my personal feelings are as follows...
1. the next generation
2. enterprise
3. voyager
4. deep space nine
5. original series
6. animated series
if you ask me this question again in five minutes, 2-4 could be completely different. everyone knows that the next generation is by far the most awesome and badass star trek anything ever, even if season one was ridiculous and wesley crusher makes me want to vomit blood. the original series is pretty outdated, but i can see why people from that era love it. the animated series was an insult, and i hate that its even considered cannon. enterprise being cancelled was a tragedy. i loved the continuity of deep space nine - you never got season long story arcs out of any other of the series. voyager had, like, a million borg episodes - which was always a plus.
and picard was the best captain. thats not even up for debate.
TSF - what was the one thing from your childhood that most shaped the person you are today? -kevin arnold - green bay, WI
when i was six years old, i watched the nazis burn my birth mother alive and replace her with the woman i know refer to as "mom".
this tragedy taught me a lot about fire safety.
falcon blog - what ever happened to "flood pants"? -jerry revish - columbus, OH
you mean shpants? those half shorts, half pants things that girls wore in the late 90s / early 00s? good question.
i think because of global warming, there is a less lkely chance of flash floods in this country, therefore women are less likely to incorporate emergency fashion into their everyday life. either that, or they finally figured out how ridiculous they looked.
dear TSF - would you rather get runned over by a lawn mower, blowed up by a bomb, or have boogers in your hair? -a three year old peter hughes - columbus, OH
i told you this in 1989, and i will tell you again - this question makes absolutely no sense. but if i had to choose, i suppose i would rather get runned over by a lawn mower. having boogers in your hair would be the worst.
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