for awhile now, i have been hovering right around 1,000 pictures on facebook. that is to say, i have either uploaded myself or have been taged in 1,000 pictures since i have become a member of tha' book. i dont think that last sentence was the kings english, but we will ignore it and move on anyway.
since this unfortunate milestone is just around the corner, i thought it would be wise to take a moral inventory of myself. make a little list of the things that are good about me and the things that are bad about me. just to make sure i wasnt a complete toolbox and didnt know it.
THINGS THAT ARE BAD ABOUT ME...
* i derive great pleasure from watching people fall down. even though i know it causes them serious pain and can result in them being severely hurt (or even killed) (hopefully killed), i still cant help but laugh to the point where a tiny bit of urine escapes into my underwears.
* i once set fire to a small mexican village in order to impress a girl. as it turns out, she had a boyfriend and she wasnt even watching me. all of those people died for nothing. on the bright side, while they were all running around burning to death, a few of them tripped and fell. i found that aspect to be hysterical.
* once, when my sister was somewhere around four or five years old, i convinced her that we were selling her to another family. she cried. that wouldnt be such a terrible story because kids do awful things to each other all the time, except that when my sister was four years old i was twenty one years old. that is a true story.
* i sell drugs. lots of them. and only to blind elderly women. and i overcharge them. by a lot.
* i dont go to church during football season because i cant be bothered to get out of bed that early. even though most of ohio states game are over before 7pm on saturdays.
* i had a job at a restaurant when i was 14 even though it was illegal for me to be working there before i turned 15. i took the money anyway. and i killed a guy who asked me how old i was. even though he asked me at school. and he was the school guidance counsellor. and he had six kids. couldnt take the risk.
* i routinely drown my roommates plants by giving them too much water. the authorities have no leads.
* i wrote a fake note to the bus driver in 5th grade so i could get off at a different bus stop. somehow he figured out that my mom probably wouldnt write a note like that with a purple crayola marker. he was smarter than me.
* i dont play by your rules.
* getting to first base with a girl for me is like getting to third base with a girl for you. believe me, you dont want to know what "going all the way" entails...
THINGS THAT ARE GOOD ABOUT ME...
* i had nothing to do with the brutal attack on nancy kerrigan during the 1992 winter olympics.
* i do not possess the power to cause earthquakes. and anyone who says differently needs to shut up if they know whats good for them.
* i have touched gavin rossdales arm. true story. happened in detroit. dont ask how.
* i have been told that i have the "touch of a child" - though this likely has more to do with my small fingernails than anything else. still.
* i wasnt alive during the iran hostage crisis.
* i am not obnoxious with my blackberry. except to kristy. and thats on prupose.
* i do not eat vegetables, leaving more for starving children in canada to consume. youre welcome.
* i often cry at the end of extreme makeover home edition, proving that i do possess the ability to have feelings for others so long as there is sad music playing the in the background.
* i can do ultra sweet backflips into swimming pools, which usually almost always sometimes makes everyone at the pool super happy because they just saw something awesome or slightly above average.
* i am pretty much the best ping pong player in the world, only i rarely play because i like to let everyone else have a chance to make their money and feed their children. believe me, if i decided to actually start playing ping pong right now, no kids would be eating. anywhere. forever.
CONCLUSION...
it is likely that i will die alone.
since this unfortunate milestone is just around the corner, i thought it would be wise to take a moral inventory of myself. make a little list of the things that are good about me and the things that are bad about me. just to make sure i wasnt a complete toolbox and didnt know it.
THINGS THAT ARE BAD ABOUT ME...
* i derive great pleasure from watching people fall down. even though i know it causes them serious pain and can result in them being severely hurt (or even killed) (hopefully killed), i still cant help but laugh to the point where a tiny bit of urine escapes into my underwears.
* i once set fire to a small mexican village in order to impress a girl. as it turns out, she had a boyfriend and she wasnt even watching me. all of those people died for nothing. on the bright side, while they were all running around burning to death, a few of them tripped and fell. i found that aspect to be hysterical.
* once, when my sister was somewhere around four or five years old, i convinced her that we were selling her to another family. she cried. that wouldnt be such a terrible story because kids do awful things to each other all the time, except that when my sister was four years old i was twenty one years old. that is a true story.
* i sell drugs. lots of them. and only to blind elderly women. and i overcharge them. by a lot.
* i dont go to church during football season because i cant be bothered to get out of bed that early. even though most of ohio states game are over before 7pm on saturdays.
* i had a job at a restaurant when i was 14 even though it was illegal for me to be working there before i turned 15. i took the money anyway. and i killed a guy who asked me how old i was. even though he asked me at school. and he was the school guidance counsellor. and he had six kids. couldnt take the risk.
* i routinely drown my roommates plants by giving them too much water. the authorities have no leads.
* i wrote a fake note to the bus driver in 5th grade so i could get off at a different bus stop. somehow he figured out that my mom probably wouldnt write a note like that with a purple crayola marker. he was smarter than me.
* i dont play by your rules.
* getting to first base with a girl for me is like getting to third base with a girl for you. believe me, you dont want to know what "going all the way" entails...
THINGS THAT ARE GOOD ABOUT ME...
* i had nothing to do with the brutal attack on nancy kerrigan during the 1992 winter olympics.
* i do not possess the power to cause earthquakes. and anyone who says differently needs to shut up if they know whats good for them.
* i have touched gavin rossdales arm. true story. happened in detroit. dont ask how.
* i have been told that i have the "touch of a child" - though this likely has more to do with my small fingernails than anything else. still.
* i wasnt alive during the iran hostage crisis.
* i am not obnoxious with my blackberry. except to kristy. and thats on prupose.
* i do not eat vegetables, leaving more for starving children in canada to consume. youre welcome.
* i often cry at the end of extreme makeover home edition, proving that i do possess the ability to have feelings for others so long as there is sad music playing the in the background.
* i can do ultra sweet backflips into swimming pools, which usually almost always sometimes makes everyone at the pool super happy because they just saw something awesome or slightly above average.
* i am pretty much the best ping pong player in the world, only i rarely play because i like to let everyone else have a chance to make their money and feed their children. believe me, if i decided to actually start playing ping pong right now, no kids would be eating. anywhere. forever.
CONCLUSION...
it is likely that i will die alone.
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2 comments:
i have touched gavin rossdales arm. true story. happened in detroit. dont ask how.
-How? How did this happen?
You also set fire to a large wooden something I can't remember what that was do you? All I remember was someone else lost a lot of facial and neck hair.
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