as we near another transition of one year into another, i cant help but think what a fantastic and glorious year 2009 was. we learned much. we watched as history was made. we beat the shit out of children because it made up feel strong while we were drunk on gas station vodka. we laughed, we cried, we hurled.
THINGS I LEARNED IN 2009
* some people take great offense to status updates on facebook. say, a status update where someone goes out of their way to insult someone or something to an extent that is so clearly over-the-top that it can only be taken seriously by a person who has ever seriously believed that a political figure has the power to change the world. it doesnt matter who your vote goes to for president, and i dont really hate women. come on.
* its okay to abuse your children, so long as you are drunk on gas station vodka.
* its not prostitution if you have feelings for the hooker.
* girls dont like it when you tell them that you can tell they are "putting on their winter weight".
* martina hingis is the greatest womens tennis player of all-time in the hot-bitch-who-does-tons-of-coke category.
* actual gay people dont care if you say the word "fag" - because they say "fag" waaaaaay more than you could ever say "fag".
* when a homeless vet is holding a sign that reads "spare change, please" it is likely his eyes are really saying "awesome high five, please" - even if he spits at you when you try to touch him and starts screaming about the FBI. thats just his mouth saying that. his eyes are still begging for the high five.
* getting to third base with a girl is easier when she thinks you drive a really nice car. hahaha! gotcha, hussie! i drive a buick!
* the apex of karate dominance is probably when you start killing bad guys in your sleep.
* a great way to get a baby to stop crying is to shake that baby until it stops crying.
* the friction between black people and white people could likely be solved by either white people using more sugar in their kool aid or black people using less. racial harmony.
* while its true that not all asian people know karate, can you really afford to take that chance?
* no one really know exactly how much fish pee you consume in your life by drinking 8 glasses of water a day, but its agreed on by scientists that the number is probably somewhat insane.
* if your company hires a new secretary, the president asks you what you think of her job performance, and you respond by saying "well ted, it certainly doesnt make me want to railroad her any less" you are likely one hilarious son of a bitch.
* a good way to get a girl to spend the night at your apartment is to steal her shoes. she cant go anywhere without shoes! and she cant call the cops if shes dead.
happy new year!
THINGS I LEARNED IN 2009
* some people take great offense to status updates on facebook. say, a status update where someone goes out of their way to insult someone or something to an extent that is so clearly over-the-top that it can only be taken seriously by a person who has ever seriously believed that a political figure has the power to change the world. it doesnt matter who your vote goes to for president, and i dont really hate women. come on.
* its okay to abuse your children, so long as you are drunk on gas station vodka.
* its not prostitution if you have feelings for the hooker.
* girls dont like it when you tell them that you can tell they are "putting on their winter weight".
* martina hingis is the greatest womens tennis player of all-time in the hot-bitch-who-does-tons-of-coke category.
* actual gay people dont care if you say the word "fag" - because they say "fag" waaaaaay more than you could ever say "fag".
* when a homeless vet is holding a sign that reads "spare change, please" it is likely his eyes are really saying "awesome high five, please" - even if he spits at you when you try to touch him and starts screaming about the FBI. thats just his mouth saying that. his eyes are still begging for the high five.
* getting to third base with a girl is easier when she thinks you drive a really nice car. hahaha! gotcha, hussie! i drive a buick!
* the apex of karate dominance is probably when you start killing bad guys in your sleep.
* a great way to get a baby to stop crying is to shake that baby until it stops crying.
* the friction between black people and white people could likely be solved by either white people using more sugar in their kool aid or black people using less. racial harmony.
* while its true that not all asian people know karate, can you really afford to take that chance?
* no one really know exactly how much fish pee you consume in your life by drinking 8 glasses of water a day, but its agreed on by scientists that the number is probably somewhat insane.
* if your company hires a new secretary, the president asks you what you think of her job performance, and you respond by saying "well ted, it certainly doesnt make me want to railroad her any less" you are likely one hilarious son of a bitch.
* a good way to get a girl to spend the night at your apartment is to steal her shoes. she cant go anywhere without shoes! and she cant call the cops if shes dead.
happy new year!
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