the holidays are the time of year we associate most with the following people - santa claus, the easter bunny, and mary tyler moore.
many people find it hard to make it through these next couple of months, either because they have recently lost loved ones or they are total pussies. either way, i thought it would be a good idea to drop a few ideas on your face to help you move more effortlessly through this holiday season of 2009.
enjoy...
HOLIDAY HINTS 2K9...
- if you cant really afford presents for your kids this year, instead of going into debt for ten minutes of wrapping paper induced happiness, try not buying them anything at all. if they ask why there arent any presents, tell them its because santa was murdered. if they as how he was killed, tell them that he owed money to a pimp. if they ask what a pimp is, tell them he is a man that owns women and then makes those women have sex with men for money and then takes the money that the women earn for having sex with the men. if they ask any further questions, quickly change the subject. there are some things that children shouldnt know about.
- its probably a good idea to get drunk, call up one of your ex's who just got married and tell them what a huge mistake they have made. they will see the 3am phone call as a sign that you are finally ready to fully commit. no one can love them like you can.
- adopt a puppy, then sell that puppy to a wealthy business man for six hundred dollars. PROFIT!
- try to remember that sexual harassment has no place in the workplace. unless its that new receptionist maggie who wears those low-cut shirts and is always totally asking for it.
- have a friend who is hard to shop for? take a sharp knife and make a medium-sized incision on your lower thigh. when the blood begins to pool on the floor, slowly mop it up with a single sheet of store brand paper towel. put the paper towel in a ziplock bag and give it to your friend while whispering "now we can be together forever" directly into their ear.
- a good way to get a baby to stop crying is to shake that baby until it stops crying.
- dressing your animals up like familiar holiday characters, then taking pictures of them, then sending those pictures into some sort of picture contest will really help you keep your mind off of the fact that you are 47 years old and have never slept with anyone.
- reminder: chinese restaurants are open on christmas day. chinese people do not respect santa claus. chinese people have no soul.
happy holidays!
many people find it hard to make it through these next couple of months, either because they have recently lost loved ones or they are total pussies. either way, i thought it would be a good idea to drop a few ideas on your face to help you move more effortlessly through this holiday season of 2009.
enjoy...
HOLIDAY HINTS 2K9...
- if you cant really afford presents for your kids this year, instead of going into debt for ten minutes of wrapping paper induced happiness, try not buying them anything at all. if they ask why there arent any presents, tell them its because santa was murdered. if they as how he was killed, tell them that he owed money to a pimp. if they ask what a pimp is, tell them he is a man that owns women and then makes those women have sex with men for money and then takes the money that the women earn for having sex with the men. if they ask any further questions, quickly change the subject. there are some things that children shouldnt know about.
- its probably a good idea to get drunk, call up one of your ex's who just got married and tell them what a huge mistake they have made. they will see the 3am phone call as a sign that you are finally ready to fully commit. no one can love them like you can.
- adopt a puppy, then sell that puppy to a wealthy business man for six hundred dollars. PROFIT!
- try to remember that sexual harassment has no place in the workplace. unless its that new receptionist maggie who wears those low-cut shirts and is always totally asking for it.
- have a friend who is hard to shop for? take a sharp knife and make a medium-sized incision on your lower thigh. when the blood begins to pool on the floor, slowly mop it up with a single sheet of store brand paper towel. put the paper towel in a ziplock bag and give it to your friend while whispering "now we can be together forever" directly into their ear.
- a good way to get a baby to stop crying is to shake that baby until it stops crying.
- dressing your animals up like familiar holiday characters, then taking pictures of them, then sending those pictures into some sort of picture contest will really help you keep your mind off of the fact that you are 47 years old and have never slept with anyone.
- reminder: chinese restaurants are open on christmas day. chinese people do not respect santa claus. chinese people have no soul.
happy holidays!
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