one of my biggest fears is that someday i wont have anything to do on my lunch hour, so i will just keep working and wont eat, causing a chain of events that culminate in my slow, painful death via starvation.
so i decided to jot down a list of things i could do on my lunch hour that would guarantee that i would survive well into the 21st century, whenever that happens to start.
now i will share this list with you.
THINGS TO DO ON YOUR LUNCH HOUR
- invent a new language, like, maybe, a mix between spanish and english. teach it to your children, and raise them to hate minorities. that last part is just for fun.
- go hiking on a trail that not many people know exist. it doesnt have to be secluded. it doesnt even have to be real. it could even be the street your office is on. just walk down the street. go on a walk down the street.
- make a new friend. be honest with them and tell them all about yourself. tell them about your mom and dad. tell them how you killed that guy in indiana last year when you were really drunk. its probably not wise to tell your new friend about that, though. you should probably kill your new friend. meeting new people is dangerous.
- ask your boss for a raise. when he refuses, tell him you have pictures of him and his secretary making babies at the company christmas party last year. when he says that this is impossible because he had his genitals removed during a painful surgery after a car accident in the mid 80s, tell him that he shouldnt bring his personal problems into the office. gross.
- take a beginner karate class. upon arrival, seek out the most advanced child in the facility and punch him as hard as you can directly in the face. KARATE CHAMPION.
- shake a baby until it stops crying.
- pick up your phone, dial a number at random, and tell the person on the other end that if they ever want to see their child alive again, they will meet you at the designated point with the cash in hand. immediately hang up. they will be pretty relieved when they realize its just a joke.
- eat foods.
- cheat on your wife.
- make a funny noise.
- go "all the way" (see: cheat on your wife)
- tell a coworker that has low self-esteem that if you were them, you definitely would have killed yourself a long time ago. they will appreciate your recognition of their longevity.
good luck!
so i decided to jot down a list of things i could do on my lunch hour that would guarantee that i would survive well into the 21st century, whenever that happens to start.
now i will share this list with you.
THINGS TO DO ON YOUR LUNCH HOUR
- invent a new language, like, maybe, a mix between spanish and english. teach it to your children, and raise them to hate minorities. that last part is just for fun.
- go hiking on a trail that not many people know exist. it doesnt have to be secluded. it doesnt even have to be real. it could even be the street your office is on. just walk down the street. go on a walk down the street.
- make a new friend. be honest with them and tell them all about yourself. tell them about your mom and dad. tell them how you killed that guy in indiana last year when you were really drunk. its probably not wise to tell your new friend about that, though. you should probably kill your new friend. meeting new people is dangerous.
- ask your boss for a raise. when he refuses, tell him you have pictures of him and his secretary making babies at the company christmas party last year. when he says that this is impossible because he had his genitals removed during a painful surgery after a car accident in the mid 80s, tell him that he shouldnt bring his personal problems into the office. gross.
- take a beginner karate class. upon arrival, seek out the most advanced child in the facility and punch him as hard as you can directly in the face. KARATE CHAMPION.
- shake a baby until it stops crying.
- pick up your phone, dial a number at random, and tell the person on the other end that if they ever want to see their child alive again, they will meet you at the designated point with the cash in hand. immediately hang up. they will be pretty relieved when they realize its just a joke.
- eat foods.
- cheat on your wife.
- make a funny noise.
- go "all the way" (see: cheat on your wife)
- tell a coworker that has low self-esteem that if you were them, you definitely would have killed yourself a long time ago. they will appreciate your recognition of their longevity.
good luck!
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3 comments:
I kinda feel like some or all of these could be accomplished at the same time..
You should also download our newest episode of Team Secret Radio. It's part of a complete breakfast. Go to the website or listen to it through iTunes.
I took your advice and killed all of my friends. I feel much less in danger now!!
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