also, the cold medicine is causing me to hallucinate.
i tried to get up and make it to work - really, i did. my intention was to sit at my desk and slowly watch the minutes roll by, as the effervescent power of alka-seltzer cough and cold willed me inch by inch towards the finish line.
alas, my effort was in vain. mere moments after setting my feet on the carpet floor, my head savagely reminded me that any physical activity more intense than drifting in and out of conciseness in front of the TV and giving in to short bursts of bladder emptying would be an unwise course of action, and would be duly punished via a strong swimming sensation in my brains and subsequent loss of balance, culminating in an unexpected trip to the living room floor and sudden and extreme loss of bowel control.
hows that for a run-on sentence, mrs hasebrook?
in any case, due to the fact that i will likely soon meet my maker, i thought it wise to repost an entry from earlier this year which detailed what you should expect to encounter while attending my funeral.
enjoy...
my buddy cary over at "mental spillings from the nutshell" had a delightfully entertaining blog entry the other day. he went into great detail describing what he thought his funeral would be like, and it got me to thinking that i could easily rip-off his idea and pass it along as my own.
by the time you get done reading this entry, you will probably have forgotten that i even mentioned that cary came up with the idea first. and this is how i have made you an official addict of team secret falcon. consider yourself part of the collective.
here, have this cup of kool-aide. but dont try it just yet - we are all going to drink it together, at the same time...
My Funeral
lets just assume for arguments sake that i have been killed at a relatively young age, which shouldnt be hard to imagine if you have known me longer than fifteen minutes. this way everyone that i know at this moment would probably be able to attend.
no open casket - i have always thought that was hella gross. plus, my face is probably mangled due to the car accident / wolf attack. oh yeah, thats how i died by the way. my car crashed into a den of wolf puppies, and the mother wolf was so upset that she mauled me to death. bummer!
there are two TVs next to my urn. one is showing a collection of pictures from various times during my life - cub scout baseball, parties at bernons house, 10th avenue nonsense, church functions, family christmas cards, school dances, pictures of me and josh cramer high fiving. the other TV is showing a constant loop of ron lewis' last second three against xavier to force overtime in the second round of the 2007 NCAA tournament, because that be my most favorite buckeye moment of all-time.
in memory of my most treasured moment from the campus of ohio state, my friend mr kissy face is wearing only a child-sized donavan mcnabb jersey, and is naked from the waist down. he is also visibly drunk on gas station vodka. he is also yelling at people.
a few of my friends and relatives are out front smoking cigarettes. one of them casually observes that if i knew i were going to die this young i would have never quit smoking. they are right, because smoking is delicious and you should never give it up unless someone threatens to cut off your genitals if you dont. worked for me!
ashley and her doctor friends (tina, lindsay, julian) are standing in the corner chatting each other up, and they remind ashley that they told her way back in 2009 i would never propose to her in my lifetime. they were right.
paige is hungover and hasnt showered in days. sonja and chrissie try to comfort her as she is near hysterics while screaming, "i should have gone to freshman year homecoming with him!!!!!!!!"
barndo was originally sad when he got there but now he cant remember what he is feeling, as he is too consumed in watching youtube clips on his blackberry. kenny looks on in shame, as bernon chats up several friends while holding her daughter. the friends wonder to themselves why she brought her baby to a freaking funeral.
my mom is going around shaking peoples hands and trying to get their email addresses for agent 99's mailing list. funerals are a great place to network!
ian asks alison where rob and erdman are. alison tells ian that they were not invited. no wedding invitation, no funeral invitation. thats just how the world works, she tells him. ian gives pete a subdued high five as ron lewis hits yet another three to send the game into overtime.
stradtman and nick finally show up, and nick begins pushing CDs of "my morning jacket" onto anyone who will listen. kathleen remembers the hilarious joke about "my evening underwears" i made one time (before i was mauled to death by a wolf) in cincinnati, and laughs softfly to herself. nick tells my brother peter "they are great - they arent led zeppelin, but they are great." peter says that he doesnt even know what that is supposed to mean. cory immediately crashes into the group and tells them of the time she saw "mmj" at the newport and hung out with them after the show. then she went to the north market and got some cheese and crackers. you know, a nice little afternoon before going to comfest and drinking some microbrews. people feign interest in her story.
lindsay cowbreath is taller than most of the men in attendance. someone takes her picture and she reminds herself to untag it on facebook when she gets home. kristy and lori are holding hands while wearing scarfs. it is eighty-five degrees outside, and the scarfs make not one little ounce of sense.
wagg begins to hit on my female cousins, and deubner takes his shirt off. cramer arrives two hours late because his car doesnt go over 50 MPH and there was a stiff headwind on 71-N. mike loads up on the tasteless welsh cookies my grandmother has made, and solicits people to go frisbee golfing with him later in the day. he sees ron lewis knock down a three to force overtime, and screams "GET OFF MY NUTS".
sam notices that deubners shirt has come off, and immediately changes into his red speedo and a santa hat. TJ and steve make fun of french to his face for wearing such "gay shoes". sean and bubak double up on the "gay shoes" jokes, and branson tells french that his shoes are "gay". french stalks away in defeat, as daniel tell him that he really likes his shoes.
chris decides that the funeral is boring him, so he calls the police and reports a noise complaint. that should spice things up. the police arrive and cause a scene. morzenti and shane tip over a car right after evil andrew takes a dump on the hood. landis falls from the top of the building next door, engulfed in flames, and causes the tipped car to catch on fire.
the flames from the burning mass catch the funeral home on fire, and everyone escapes unharmed just as the old building collapses in on itself. ron lewis hits one more three to send the game into overtime, my original wishes for cremation have been ultimately served, and my friends begin to riot.
after order is restored the arrest total stands at sixteen, and twelve people have somehow lost limbs.
thank you for coming to my funeral
by the time you get done reading this entry, you will probably have forgotten that i even mentioned that cary came up with the idea first. and this is how i have made you an official addict of team secret falcon. consider yourself part of the collective.
here, have this cup of kool-aide. but dont try it just yet - we are all going to drink it together, at the same time...
My Funeral
lets just assume for arguments sake that i have been killed at a relatively young age, which shouldnt be hard to imagine if you have known me longer than fifteen minutes. this way everyone that i know at this moment would probably be able to attend.
no open casket - i have always thought that was hella gross. plus, my face is probably mangled due to the car accident / wolf attack. oh yeah, thats how i died by the way. my car crashed into a den of wolf puppies, and the mother wolf was so upset that she mauled me to death. bummer!
there are two TVs next to my urn. one is showing a collection of pictures from various times during my life - cub scout baseball, parties at bernons house, 10th avenue nonsense, church functions, family christmas cards, school dances, pictures of me and josh cramer high fiving. the other TV is showing a constant loop of ron lewis' last second three against xavier to force overtime in the second round of the 2007 NCAA tournament, because that be my most favorite buckeye moment of all-time.
in memory of my most treasured moment from the campus of ohio state, my friend mr kissy face is wearing only a child-sized donavan mcnabb jersey, and is naked from the waist down. he is also visibly drunk on gas station vodka. he is also yelling at people.
a few of my friends and relatives are out front smoking cigarettes. one of them casually observes that if i knew i were going to die this young i would have never quit smoking. they are right, because smoking is delicious and you should never give it up unless someone threatens to cut off your genitals if you dont. worked for me!
ashley and her doctor friends (tina, lindsay, julian) are standing in the corner chatting each other up, and they remind ashley that they told her way back in 2009 i would never propose to her in my lifetime. they were right.
paige is hungover and hasnt showered in days. sonja and chrissie try to comfort her as she is near hysterics while screaming, "i should have gone to freshman year homecoming with him!!!!!!!!"
barndo was originally sad when he got there but now he cant remember what he is feeling, as he is too consumed in watching youtube clips on his blackberry. kenny looks on in shame, as bernon chats up several friends while holding her daughter. the friends wonder to themselves why she brought her baby to a freaking funeral.
my mom is going around shaking peoples hands and trying to get their email addresses for agent 99's mailing list. funerals are a great place to network!
ian asks alison where rob and erdman are. alison tells ian that they were not invited. no wedding invitation, no funeral invitation. thats just how the world works, she tells him. ian gives pete a subdued high five as ron lewis hits yet another three to send the game into overtime.
stradtman and nick finally show up, and nick begins pushing CDs of "my morning jacket" onto anyone who will listen. kathleen remembers the hilarious joke about "my evening underwears" i made one time (before i was mauled to death by a wolf) in cincinnati, and laughs softfly to herself. nick tells my brother peter "they are great - they arent led zeppelin, but they are great." peter says that he doesnt even know what that is supposed to mean. cory immediately crashes into the group and tells them of the time she saw "mmj" at the newport and hung out with them after the show. then she went to the north market and got some cheese and crackers. you know, a nice little afternoon before going to comfest and drinking some microbrews. people feign interest in her story.
lindsay cowbreath is taller than most of the men in attendance. someone takes her picture and she reminds herself to untag it on facebook when she gets home. kristy and lori are holding hands while wearing scarfs. it is eighty-five degrees outside, and the scarfs make not one little ounce of sense.
wagg begins to hit on my female cousins, and deubner takes his shirt off. cramer arrives two hours late because his car doesnt go over 50 MPH and there was a stiff headwind on 71-N. mike loads up on the tasteless welsh cookies my grandmother has made, and solicits people to go frisbee golfing with him later in the day. he sees ron lewis knock down a three to force overtime, and screams "GET OFF MY NUTS".
sam notices that deubners shirt has come off, and immediately changes into his red speedo and a santa hat. TJ and steve make fun of french to his face for wearing such "gay shoes". sean and bubak double up on the "gay shoes" jokes, and branson tells french that his shoes are "gay". french stalks away in defeat, as daniel tell him that he really likes his shoes.
chris decides that the funeral is boring him, so he calls the police and reports a noise complaint. that should spice things up. the police arrive and cause a scene. morzenti and shane tip over a car right after evil andrew takes a dump on the hood. landis falls from the top of the building next door, engulfed in flames, and causes the tipped car to catch on fire.
the flames from the burning mass catch the funeral home on fire, and everyone escapes unharmed just as the old building collapses in on itself. ron lewis hits one more three to send the game into overtime, my original wishes for cremation have been ultimately served, and my friends begin to riot.
after order is restored the arrest total stands at sixteen, and twelve people have somehow lost limbs.
thank you for coming to my funeral
Good Heavens. I wonder how many e-mail addresses I got.
ReplyDeleteI would love to be your funeral director!
ReplyDelete