i do most of my best thinking in the shower. this morning, while lathering myself up something fierce with softsoap mens body wash, i was thinking about tiger woods. the best time to think about tiger is in the shower. if you catch my drift, sailor.
tiger reminded me of how THE LAST THING IN THE WORLD i want to do with my life is get married. i began to think about all of the reasons why marriage is a terrible, awful, no good, very bad decision, and i thought i would put them in list form so you could benefit from them as well.
you can thank me later.
REASONS WHY MARRIAGE IS PLAYED OUT
- the only reasons you should ever get married is if one person got the other person pregnant, or one person is financially hardass and the other person pretends to love them for that reason and that reason alone. very few people get married for these reasons anymore. and thats just really sad.
- you know why women are smiling when they walk down the aisle? its because they know they can stop pretending to like sports. women are evil. lets try to remember that.
- every generation has this insane thought that they are going to somehow raise the next generation to have these great lives and be the happiest most complete people possible. why cant that be this generation? why cant i have a great life and have all my dreams come true and drive a sweet car and pound snatch every night until the cows come home? must i really project such wonderful nonsense on my poor, unsuspecting ADD-ridden offspring who are the result of the lethal combination of a one night stand with a young lass with severe daddy issues and a case of mango passion boones farm? no thanks, i dont play by your rules.
- have you ever heard those married type people getting into passive-aggressive arguments about something stupid and trivial like the husband leaving the toilet seat up? explain to me exactly how much harder it is for you to put the seat down than it is for us to put the seat up? if anything, its easier to put the seat down just because of gravity. you know, gravity - that law of the universe that keeps your fat ass planted on the couch all day long eating bon-bons and yelling at sammy on days of our lives for being such a dirty tramp? get out of my life forever.
- a good way to get a baby to stop crying is to shake that baby until it stops crying.
- men are not programmed to be monogamous for sixty years, and thats a fact. for you women out there who constantly strive to better understand your male partners, allow me to explain to you very quickly how a male brain works. it has two settings - IMPREGNATE AS MANY BITCHES AS POSSIBLE and SLEEP. when not engaged in the SLEEP mode, the male brain is completely consumed and fueled by, well, you know. telling a man to accept the fact that he will only be unleashing his fury onto one set of ovaries for the rest of his life is one thing - telling a man to accept the fact that the one set of ovaries will likely use sex as a weapon and hold out on him on a regular basis because someone is "too tired" or "has a headache" or "doesnt feel pretty" is another story all together. so, in short, dont be surprised when you walk into your little suburban love nest one day in the not-too-distant-future and your mr right is rolling twelve deep in your bed with the female cast of tool academy. it is going to happen.
- the next time you are at a wedding and the bride and groom are dismissing you third-grade-style from your church pew, shake the grooms hand and whisper into his ear "congrats, travis - the government is now officially involved in your relationship." see what his face looks like. commit that look to memory. remember it when you are thinking of asking your girlfriend to take the plunge. this is real life, you son of a bitch - and recess is over.
- you know why they charge so much for divorces? because they can. because people will pay anything to get out of their marriages. because its worth it.
merry christmas!
tiger reminded me of how THE LAST THING IN THE WORLD i want to do with my life is get married. i began to think about all of the reasons why marriage is a terrible, awful, no good, very bad decision, and i thought i would put them in list form so you could benefit from them as well.
you can thank me later.
REASONS WHY MARRIAGE IS PLAYED OUT
- the only reasons you should ever get married is if one person got the other person pregnant, or one person is financially hardass and the other person pretends to love them for that reason and that reason alone. very few people get married for these reasons anymore. and thats just really sad.
- you know why women are smiling when they walk down the aisle? its because they know they can stop pretending to like sports. women are evil. lets try to remember that.
- every generation has this insane thought that they are going to somehow raise the next generation to have these great lives and be the happiest most complete people possible. why cant that be this generation? why cant i have a great life and have all my dreams come true and drive a sweet car and pound snatch every night until the cows come home? must i really project such wonderful nonsense on my poor, unsuspecting ADD-ridden offspring who are the result of the lethal combination of a one night stand with a young lass with severe daddy issues and a case of mango passion boones farm? no thanks, i dont play by your rules.
- have you ever heard those married type people getting into passive-aggressive arguments about something stupid and trivial like the husband leaving the toilet seat up? explain to me exactly how much harder it is for you to put the seat down than it is for us to put the seat up? if anything, its easier to put the seat down just because of gravity. you know, gravity - that law of the universe that keeps your fat ass planted on the couch all day long eating bon-bons and yelling at sammy on days of our lives for being such a dirty tramp? get out of my life forever.
- a good way to get a baby to stop crying is to shake that baby until it stops crying.
- men are not programmed to be monogamous for sixty years, and thats a fact. for you women out there who constantly strive to better understand your male partners, allow me to explain to you very quickly how a male brain works. it has two settings - IMPREGNATE AS MANY BITCHES AS POSSIBLE and SLEEP. when not engaged in the SLEEP mode, the male brain is completely consumed and fueled by, well, you know. telling a man to accept the fact that he will only be unleashing his fury onto one set of ovaries for the rest of his life is one thing - telling a man to accept the fact that the one set of ovaries will likely use sex as a weapon and hold out on him on a regular basis because someone is "too tired" or "has a headache" or "doesnt feel pretty" is another story all together. so, in short, dont be surprised when you walk into your little suburban love nest one day in the not-too-distant-future and your mr right is rolling twelve deep in your bed with the female cast of tool academy. it is going to happen.
- the next time you are at a wedding and the bride and groom are dismissing you third-grade-style from your church pew, shake the grooms hand and whisper into his ear "congrats, travis - the government is now officially involved in your relationship." see what his face looks like. commit that look to memory. remember it when you are thinking of asking your girlfriend to take the plunge. this is real life, you son of a bitch - and recess is over.
- you know why they charge so much for divorces? because they can. because people will pay anything to get out of their marriages. because its worth it.
merry christmas!
Posts
2 comments:
Poor Travis, now he's married AND has a wet ear. You should keep your tongue to yourself.
Why ruin a perfectly good relationship by getting married...
Post a Comment