if you are reading this blog, chances are you are a human being. if you are reading this blog and you are a dog that has mastered communication with people, OMGEVIL.
people love them some fridays. according to an in-depth study done by the helen keller school for the blind and deaf, small dot small dot, slightly raised dot, two dots right next to each other, and seven dots that make up some type of shape. ive never been good at reading braille.
suffice to say, friday is probably the most favorite day of the week in the entire universe. in order to help you enjoy your weekend as much as possible, i have put together a list of some things you should consider doing in your free time away from work. you can thank me later with a good old fashioned handshake, or a soft and loving back massage at a sensual tempo.
THINGS TO DO THIS WEEKEND
* the north market has officially opened their doors to all minorities, which is an exciting turn of events for uppity white people like myself who define their hipness directly through how many people of color they can have in their facebook photo albums. sadly, this offer does not apply to native americans, as their presence would only serve to remind us of the tragic crimes committed in the name of manifest destiny. the softest pillow really is a clear conscience!
* "leave your baby in the car day" is a nationwide event sponsored by the united states marine corps, who is hoping to get a head start on training the next generation of soldiers for desert warfare by acclimating them to extreme heat early on in their lives. it looks like the forecast is calling for temperatures in the 80s with plenty of sun, so throw your baby in the car seat, roll up the windows, and forget about it! USA! USA! USA!
* in columbus, the scioto river is one of columbus' most beautiful and scenic tourist destinations in all of columbus that people like to visit when they are visiting columbus. grab your girlfriend, pack a picnic lunch, and head on down for the afternoon. if you dont see more than five dead fish or at least one human corpse you get your money back! hurray!
* we all have a person for whom we have feelings that has stupidly decided to marry someone else. get drunk, show up at their house, and confess your feelings. they will appreciate your honesty!
* get a big bucket. see if you can fill it up with your own spit by sunday evening.
* mow your lawn in the nude. see if your neighbors are interested in anything you have to offer.
* go to the most ridiculous bar in the arena district, and introduce yourself to every guy in the establishment wearing an ed hardy shirt. for every asshat that doesnt attempt to give you one of those douchey half-handshake-half-man-hug greetings, i will present you with a five dollar bill. after this contest is complete, go up to and say "i want to me you feel pretty" to as many girls as it takes for you to have a scandalous encounter in a bathroom stall. the next morning, begin a high dose treatment of penicillin, as the syphilis will be coursing through your body at an extremely high rate by this point.
if you have been reading team secret falcon for a number of years (and who in their right mind hasnt been?) you no doubt remember a time when my blog was nothing more than random myspace surveys mixed in with occasional drunken ethnic slurring.
now that the myspace account has been deleted and the boones-farm-fuled hatred for immigrants has subsided, i thought it was as good of a time as ever to revisit the past.
this survey was originally 100 questions long - if i make it to question number 60 i will be extremely proud of myself. enjoy, honkies!
MYSPACE SURVEY VERSION #7,629
1. How old will you be in five years? five years from today i will be 32 years old, at which point i am convinced bed-wetting will be as frowned upon as ever. i have some serious life choices to make.
2. Who did you spend at least two hours with today? since it is fairly early in the morning, i will go ahead and say that yesterday i spent a good amount of time with barndo pargeon. we played in our volleyball league (and won, again, undefeated, bitches) and then watched the first 55 minutes of the columbus crews tragic 5-0 loss at cruz azul in mexico. it reminded me of that night i spent in vegas with tara reid - all i could do afterwards was hang my head in shame and try to brush my teeth long enough to make that awful taste go away. sometimes you just cant get the water hot enough...
3. How tall are you? i currently stand 74 inches tall. i am convinced i would be at least 6'5" if it werent for all the mountain dew, hostess cupcakes, and winston lights i ingested during my youth.
4. What do you look forward to most in the next six weeks? i think some sports season is about to start, but im not really sure about that. dont quote me.
5. What’s the last movie you saw? i watched clips from "wet hot american summer" and "stepbrothers" on youtube yesterday. i firmly believe that they are two of the most hilarious movies of all time along with "waynes world", "airplane", and "pay it forward". watching haley joel osmant die is comedic genius.
6. Who was the last person you called? according to my phone, it was one david french. which concerns me greatly.
7. Who was the last person to call you? molly iams. that girl cant get enough of me. its kinda sad, really. (WARNING: HILARIOUS INSIDE JOKE FROM 1996)
8. What was the last text message you received? "i'll take your mother out to a seafood dinner then never call her again" -derek karl (we were having a mom-bashing session)
9. Who was the last person to leave you a voicemail? "morgan, its us - all of your ex-girlfriends. we just wanted to say, well, that we were wrong for breaking up with you. you have kinda grown into your over-sized man-ass that you get from your fathers side of the family, and we think thats just great. we are assuming you have grown up a little bit and no longer scream at the TV when ohio state loses an athletic contest, and you probably arent still driving that 1994 buick lesabre that your grandmother gave you for free. so thats a plus. its been a few years since we have seen you, so you probably have found a barber that doesnt give you terrible haircuts, and hopefully you arent still hanging out with bill wagg. give us a call sometime. hope you are well."
10. Do you prefer to call or text? in what capacity? please be more specific, or i will punch you in your gonads. thanks.
11. Have you ever had drink come out your nose? yes. sometime entire two liters of coke just come sailing out of my nose for no reason. the bottle and everything.
12. Are your parents married/separated/divorced? my parents are divorced. they said it was because of me and my brothers, which i find fairly easy to believe.
13. When is the last time you saw your mom? i spent an entire week with my mother on vacation last month in cape may, new jersey. i am good on spending time with my family for the next seven years.
14. What color are your eyes? go to the bathroom. sit on the toilet. wait until something happens. stand up from the toilet. look in the bowl. this is the color of my eyeballs.
15. What time did you wake up today? OMG WAY TOO EARLY YOU GUYS LOL
16. Do you see your crush on a daily basis? i dont have crushes. i have targets.
17. What is your favorite christmas song? the only acceptable christmas song is "christmas all over again" by tom petty. the end.
18. Where is your favorite place to be? wherever i can be sufficiently pretentious with my most eclectic group of elitist white friends. the north market is lovely this time of year.
19. Where is your least favorite place to be? the north market.
20. Where would you go if you could go anywhere? i actually already can go anywhere, so this is kind of a silly question.
21. Where do you think you’ll be in 10 years? hopefully single, with a couple illegitimate kids to drag around as an excuse to go to chuck e cheese and magic mountain whenever i want.
22. Do you tan or burn? i am not a ginger or a day-walker, so i tan. people with blue eyes have no soul. i know i say that a lot, but its true. it says so in the bible.
23. What did you fear was going to get you at night as a child? a roaming gang of evil my little pony zombies that were hungry for one thing and one thing only - human flesh. also, canadians.
24. What was the last thing that really made you laugh? as a buckeye fan, this is definitely one of the most hysterical things i have ever seen in my entire life.
25. How many TVs do you have in your house? five, one of which is watched on a daily basis. i keep the other four running though, as a way to punish the environment. i am hoping all of this electricity consumption will somehow kill off all the snakes and spiders in the world. and eliminate those dirty rainforests.
26. How big is your bed? OMG SO BIG YOU GUYS LOL
27. Do you have a laptop or desktop computer? it a hybrid. its the size of a desktop, but i take it everywhere with me as if if were a laptop. starbucks frowns upon this practice. such is mango.
28. Do you sleep with or without clothes on? i sleep in my winter coat. wait, no, that was only in 2002 when my roommate took the money we paid him for the gas bill and bought a bunch of drugs with it. in the middle of december. you stay classy, columbus.
29. What color are your sheets? it depends on how heavily i am bleeding.
30. How many pillows do you sleep with? at least one. sometimes more. but never less. but at least one. never more than that, though. sometimes zero. never two or more. but sometimes mostly one.
31. What is your favorite season? cute boys season!
32. What do you like about fall? getting up early, making a good cup of coffee, reading the news paper, taking a walk in the neighborhood, putting a wooden cross in the front yard of this white couple i know, covering it with gasoline, setting it on fire. its important to remember where we come from as a culture.
33. What do you like about winter? friendship.
34. What do you like about the summer? dead bodies.
.35. What do you like about spring? being in love with another man.
36. How many states have you lived in? ohio, michigan, and misery.
37. What cities/towns have you lived in? grandview, upper arlington, grandview, upper arlington, dublin, columbus, novi, wixom, novi, dearborn, chardon, columbus - in that order.
38. Do you prefer shoes, socks, or bare feet? i prefer the teva walking sandals with white tube socks. i like to think it says to other people, "ask me about my cats!"
39. Are you a social person? it depends on how high on methamphetamines i am.
40. What was the last thing you ate? i had honey bunches of oates for breakfast - its a mixture between the well-known cereal brand, and former popular music sensation john oates.
41. What is your favorite restaurant? i enjoy the #169 from el vaquero and the veggie pannini from jimmy v's. also, i am very much looking forward to marks pizza cannon idea. pray for him to win the lottery so our dreams can come true.
42. What is your favorite ice cream? pralines and dick.
43. What color hair does your crush have? no.
44. What is his/her name? no.
45. What kind of jelly do you like on your PB & J sandwich? i am a big fan of strawberry preserves, though i try not to get the big strawberry chunks anywhere near my mouth. i know, its a confusing dynamic to say the least.
46. Do you like Chinese food? i dislike all asian everything.
47. Do you like coffee?! whoa - whats with the sudden excitement? its like the author of this survey was just passing time until they got to ask the really important and meaningful question. DO YOU LIKE COFFEE?????!!!!!!!!!!!
48. How many glasses of water, a day, do you drink on average? if by "glasses of water" you mean "buckets of coke zero", then roughly twelve. IT DOESNT HAVE ANY CALORIES. IF IT WERE BAD FOR YOU THEY WOULDNT CALL IT "ZERO". i hate glasses of water. i never drink them. ever.
49. What do you drink in the morning? about three glass of water.
51. Do you sleep on a certain side of the bed? the side closest to the wall. i want to make it as difficult as possible for the my little pony zombies to get at my flesh.
52. Do you know how to play poker? no, but i can make one mean appletini, sailor.
53. Do you like to cuddle? dude, no. get off of me. let me watch the bachelorette in peace. thank.
54. Have you ever been to Canada? hell yeah! its a wonderful barren wasteland of abandoned hockey rinks and the metric system. very quaint.
55. Do you have an addictive personality? i mean, who doesnt appreciate that soothing feeling associated with huffing household cleaners six to seven times a day? i dont think theres anything wrong with a little stress outlet. and if that makes me an addict, so be it.
dear running shorts that were on sale at front runner this weekend,
you are almost certainly the worst excuse for clothing that has ever existed. you sit there on the rack, deceptively luring the less experienced runners towards you with your twenty-percent-off tag, inviting them to put you on their body when you know damn well that you look like elephant vomit mixed with gorilla feces.
and can you please make up your mind? are you an old man bathing suit, or are you athletic shorts? whats with the genital-constricting lining? tell you what, running shorts - ill provide the underwear, you provide the shorts. its pretty much how this whole thing works.
dear NPR radio host,
why must you talk so softly? is there an infant asleep in the studio and you are trying to not wake it up? what are you trying to hide?
i am an adult. i can handle people using their normal speaking voice. you arent going to scare me.
dear parents of newborns,
until your child can walk or talk or feed itself, please do not scold me when i refer to the little bundle of joy as "it". you know what i mean?
i like its baby hat. it looks a lot like your babysitter. it just projectile vomited on my sports coat. if you dont tell it to stop looking at my wife, im going to punch it as hard as i can directly in the mouth.
dear lindsay lohan,
ive got some bad news for you, girlfriend. that wasnt a crazy fan breaking into your house last week - it was a bounty hunter sent by satan himself to bring you home. the other demons miss you.
dear michael beasley,
you really want us to believe that you are in rehab for depression the day after you posted a picture of yourself to your twitter account showing off your new tattoos with a baggie full of illegal drugs on the table?
heres the press release i would like to read from you, michael beasley...
"hi, my name is michael beasley, and just like a lot of other 18-21 year olds, i take drugs every now and again. yeah, its stupid, but im still young enough to feel invincible. also, im a freaking multi-millionaire and sometimes i wanna do a line of blow off of a dead hookers ass - what of it? so, instead of getting in trouble with the league, im going to go to rehab for 'depression' and call it a day. see you on the court in november. also, i will continue to put all sorts of fun things up my nose, but in the future ill try not to post pictures of those things on the world wide internets. go clippers."
dear person going 40 MPH on riverside drive,
just because i havent been able to kill you with my mind for the last eleven years, doesnt mean i wont eventually figure it out. the speed limit is 45 or 50. if you continue to move along at this reduced pace, chances are good that i will probably poison your dog. not enough to kill it, but just enough so that it leaves you a wonderful surprise on your living room carpet.
i am an animal lover, so dont make me do this. drive the freaking speed limit, lady.
dear barney and betty rubble,
how does it not concern you that bam-bam has white hair? i mean, babies usually arent born with white hair. dont you think you should maybe get him checked out? he might be the elusive "albino ginger kid" that we have been hearing about for all these years now.
if so, he must be destroyed. i dont like killing babies any more than you do, but we're talking about gingers here. its not like people with red hair or blue eyes have souls anyway.
get with the program, imaginary prehistoric cartoon couple.
its time to start taking things seriously, people. the time for screwing around has passed.
its time to finally kick this whole team secret falcon thing into high gear, and pimp out the worlds finest blog devoted to 24/7 coverage of ohio state athletics and the spice girls to the masses.
ladies and gentlemen, i give you......
......team secret falcon!
softball.
ummm, the name of our fall league softball team is team secret falcon. which is cool, because thats also the name of the blog you are reading right now. so, you are kinda already a fan of my softball team even though you didnt know it before right now as you are reading this paragraph. either way, i feel like you owe me something.
now im not asking you to come out and support us. im not asking you to buy a team secret falcon t-shirt. im not even asking you to keep our squad in your thoughts and prayers and run over a rival team member with your car given the chance. wait, okay no, actually that is what im asking you to do.
all im saying is that you see a guy who plays on another team in our league, maybe you commit murder in the name of rec league softball? given everything that i do for you, i dont think that this is too much to ask. kathy wagg would do it.
heres a quick rundown of the lineup, just to give you a taste of what you can expect out of us this season. also it helps to know who you are killing for. as always, the names of the innocent have been intentionally misspelled to protect them from rogue google searches.
Troy Ahlen 1B Matt Phlowers P Morgan Hughes 3B Steve Colson SS Bill Wagg C Dave Phrench LCF Jaret Donebar LF Charles Homes RCF Barndo Pargeon RF Mike Steal 2B
our first game is tomorrow night at 8:00pm at hastings. the field is, ironically enough, named "oldtimers" which is something that gives me both great joy and great pain at the same time in my lower abdominal region. ha ha ha, humor is funny.
tune in wednesday for a complete run down and box score of tomorrow nights epic contest.
while watching "dating in the dark" last night, i again realized how badly stupid people piss me off. if you are unfamiliar with the plot of the show, take another look at the title and figure it out for yourself, champ. if you are still stumped, i suggest investing in some adult diapers, as it is likely you have yet to master other relatively simple every day tasks such as bowel control.
two people were in the dark room meeting for the first time, and the conversation went something like this...
man: so tell me about yourself, what kind of person are you? what are your interests? woman: well, my family is very important to me. i love my family. man: oh no way - i really, really love my family too. woman: yeah, they are a pretty big part of my life. family is a huge thing with me. man: yeah, me too. i love my family. what else? woman: well, i love music. music is a big thing with me. man: oh, man! i love music too. ever since i can remember i have loved music. woman: wow, thats great. yeah, music has always meant a lot to me. man: ........i enjoy music. woman: so are you the type of guy who likes to go out and have a good time, or are you more the type to stay home sometimes? man: you know, believe it or not, im actually both. i can go out and have a great time, but i also love to stay home and curl up on the couch and watch a movie. woman: no way - i am exactly the same. i really enjoy going out with my friends, but at the same time i have been known to stay in a have a glass of wine. man: i love staying in and i love wine. woman: no way! i love wine. wine has always been a big thing with me. man: .....i also enjoy wine. woman: how do you feel about children? man: i love children. family is a big thing with me. i enjoy children. woman: children are important to me as well. i enjoy children. i like wine and music. family is a big thing with me. man: i was once a child. woman: children, wine, music, family, staying in. man: curling up on the couch, red wine, ponies, my new trapper keeper. woman: you seem like a man i could trust. man: i enjoy things.
i hate insignificant banter between the sexes. tell ya what - lets just go ahead and assume for the sake of my mental health that all people like their family. lets also assume that all people, in some shape or form, enjoy music. very few people hate children. almost all white people want you to know that they enjoy wine. and for the love of god, women need you to know at all times that they enjoy both going out with their friends AND staying in.
lets review....
*people like their family *people enjoy music * no one hates children * white people drink red wine * women enjoy the inside and outside of their homes
all of this nonsensical blabbering reminded me of a child advocacy class i took at church a couple months ago. it was a series of DVDs followed up with a group discussion and worksheets aimed at improving your ability to recognize and deal with the signs of child molestation. now dont get me wrong, because i thought the course was important, and i am certainly not down playing the very serious issue of child molestation that we are faced with today in this country.
but to me, the course was comically vague. it gave you a running list of traits potential child molesters may exhibit, and they kinda made me a little uncomfortable. according to this training session, you must be on the look out for people who...
* volunteer to spend time with children * give their time to groups involved with youth * coach youth athletic teams * volunteer to help your child accomplish something * make funny jokes * get along well with other people * are nice * smile a lot * take showers * have arms and legs * have hair * wear t-shirts sometimes
i dont know about you, but those categories somewhat encompass my entire existence. i felt as if every person in the training group was about to get up, grab their pitchforks and start chasing me down the street.
the point is, we need to stop being so vague. if there is something someone needs to know about you, be specific. if someone asks you a question, give them a real answer.
man: do you like to go out or stay in? woman: i like going out more. also, i have herpes.
trainer: the kind of person that is molesting your child is that creepy guy with the dirt stache sitting on the picnic bench outside of kroger handing out lolipops.
i have always wanted a piano. we had one in my house when i was a kid. i often find myself browsing craigs list late at night, trying to see if anyone is selling anything i would be interested in. but that has very little to do with anything piano-related, so lets move on.
i was out for a run on monday evening, soaking up the wonderful august-in-columbus-ohio humidity, when what should i see sitting in someones driveway? a piano with a "free" sign taped to the top.
now i know what youre thinking, "lets just scrap this whole blog entry and meet at the ua pub for a softcore morning makeout session", but good lord. just let me tell my story and we can get down to the mouth mambo later on.
i walked up the driveway to the piano and took a look at it. the wood was in great condition, there were no marks or blemishes to speak of, and it seemed to the (very) untrained eye to be one heck of a deal. i opened the key cover thingy (what in the hell is that thing called?) and struck a few keys - out of tune, but at least it played.
i looked at the base of the piano itself, and saw that it was on casters. so it would roll. which is a plus. i thought about it for a second, and came to the conclusion that it would probably be a bad idea for me to push this piano back to my house, which was about a mile away. i decided that it would be best if i were to just forget about the free piano and keep on running. so this is what i did. for about fifty feet.
i stopped in my tracks and decided that i really wanted that damn piano. but how in the hell would i get it to my house? by pushing it? really? YOU BET YOUR SWEET ASS.
i called my best friend sean ryan, and in spite of his better judgement he answered my phone call. i asked him what he was doing for the next twenty minutes, and he said nothing. i said that i would be running to his house and he had to come help me push a piano around the block. before he could say yes, i was on my way. sucker!
i sprinted to seans house, we hopped in his car and drove to the site of the free piano. it was still there - phew. we approached the piano and tried to move it. it would not budge.
i examined the casters (finally, something i know a lot about) and pronounced them fit for the journey. again we tried to push the piano. after exerting most of the energy our bodies had been storing for the past 27 years of our lives, we got the fat bastard moving. after five or ten minutes, we had officially pushed it to the bottom of the driveway. victory!
then one of the casters that i had declared were in perfect working order fell off. thats not good. we decided to keep it going, and started to push the piano down the street in the vague direction of my house. it was intense, painful, and ridiculous. pushing with all of our might, we never got the thing moving above a slow crawl. we got about this far...
...and one of the three remaining casters locked up, causing the piano to spew sparks and flames as we were pushing it. that is also not good. we stopped, defeated, and assessed our options. this was turning out to be my worst idea since i killed those two hookers, threw them into a pile of quicksand, and decided to let "nature take care of them."
we called the usual suspects to see if they could bring their trucks over to help out. sam didnt answer, steve didnt answer. we called monkey to see if she was with sam. she didnt answer. the great thing about caller ID is it lets you know exactly where you stand with the people in your life. kisses!
i then remembered that my friend karen had just that day moved into a new house. i planned to use this knowledge as a way to get her to drive one of the trucks she had rented over to where we were. karen answered, and informed me that all of the trucks that people had brought to help them move had gone back to their respective homes. sonuvabitch.
sean grew more and more defeated as the tense moments rolled on. i could see in his eyes that he was giving serious thought to murdering me. he could see in my eyes that i really wouldnt blame him.
it was then that karen came up with a fantastic idea. one of the couples from church, allegedly, had not only a truck, but a trailer to go along with it. awesome call, karen! have fun in your new house! im going to make a phone call now! omgsweet!
i called ms lady (i will leave their names out of this blog as a way of thanking them for helping us out) to see if i could impose on them. she informed me that she was on her way back from JAPAN and that she was currently about to hop on a place in detroit with columbus as her final destination. her husband was at home, where the truck and trailer were, but he had to leave soon to pick her up at the aeropuerto. the high hopes i had for this possibility began to fade.
she said, however, that i may as well call her husband to see if he would be willing to help out. i thanked her, hung up, and called mr man.
mr man told me that he would normally help out, but he did have to leave for the airport in a matter of moments to pick up ms lady, plus the trailer had a bunch of yard waste in it. he asked where i was, and i told him THE SIDE OF THE ROAD. being the lovely, wonderful, and amazing person he is, he said "okay, i'll be there in ten minutes."
after being really, really proud of myself for lining this transportation up with such little notice, i realized that there would be no way in hell that sean and i would be lifting this massive piano into a trailer by ourselves. we would need many extra-strong manly men to aid us in accomplishing this task. i called wagg, and he didnt answer. i called barndo, and thankfully he answered on the last possible ring.
he said that he and mike were sitting at his house watching "how i met your mother", which i thought was semi-ironic because sitting at home watching TV is probably what is preventing most of us from getting out there and finding a woman to impregnate. anyway, i told barndo to not even think about it - just grab mike, get in his car, and drive to where we were. i told him we would be the two idiots standing on the side of the road with the free piano.
just then sam called and said that he would help us lift the piano into the trailer. this was turning out even better than i thought it would. my only fear was that mr man would get there with the trailer before any of my young, strapping, male friends arrived and we would be forced to do this ourselves due to his lack of time for lallygagging.
after a few minutes, mr man arrived with the trailer. as i began to panic, barndo and mike rolled up, looking at us like we were two naked dudes making out in the middle of a public library. what, youve never seen two guys standing on the side of the road with an abandoned piano before? YOU THINK YOURE BETTER THAN ME?
mr man informed us that if this was going to happen, it had to happen now. we had no time to wait for sam, who was easily the strongest and most important person in the plan i had conceived in my feeble little mind. oh well, lets do this thing.
barndo, mike, sean, mr man and i "rolled" the piano to the back of the trailer and shot looks to each other as if to say, "its been nice knowing you guys sans massive, bleeding, life-threatening hernias."
it was time to lift.
and lift we did. we clean-jerked that piano skyward, and after almost dropping it, placed it into the trailer like the true professionals we were. let me say this, and believe me - it is the understatement of the century. that trailer was not meant to carry anything heavier than three to four fully grown adult female hamsters at a time.
we did not have any kind of straps, so barndo and i were forced to ride, standing up, in the trailer itself while trying to prevent the piano from falling into the street. i didnt put our chances of survival any higher than 35%. the four speed bumps in between our departure point and destination only served to lower my initial survival figures - its been nice knowing you, you beautiful bearded man. the best part about the trip was mr mans son poking his head through the sunroof of their car and taking pictures of us with his cell phone.
against all odds, we made it to my house. mr man expertly backed the trailer and truck into the driveway, and we unloaded our cargo into the garage. i dont know how it happened, but a mere hour and a half after i found the free piano, it was safely at my house and in my possession.
i thanked mr man, barndo, mike, and sean and they thankfully went on their way. i was told yesterday evening that mr man arrived late to the airport to pick up his wife. they are awesome people, so they didnt really mind. at least thats what they told me.
yesterday morning i emailed an antique piano dealer and restorer, and told him that based on my internet research, the piano was manufactured by a company called colby piano co out of erie, pa. i read that they went out of business around the turn of the century, and i had no idea when my piano was constructed and what it was worth.
he told me that based on the serial number and picture i provided, it was built in 1901 and was the most beautiful colby he had ever seen. he also said that, in the past, he had sold restored colbys for anywhere from 10,000 dollars to 15,000 dollars. needless to say, he wanted me to send it to him (on my dime) to have it worked on for the mere price of 7,500 bucks.
i quote wes from the bachelorette - i was born at night, but it sure wasnt last night.
the dude was clearly blowing sunshine up my ass, so i decided against emailing him back.
anyway, the piano now sits in my garage, and sometime this coming week i am going to get someone to come out and tune it. then i will have a perfectly fine working piano for free.
and now you know the story of how morgan got his first piano.
if you are reading this, chances are you live in the midwest. if you live in the midwest, you are probably familiar with your standard midwestern seasons - winter, and construction.
here in columbus, ohio we also have two very distinct, very unique seasons - buckeye football season and not buckeye football season. the former being everything i look forward to and care about in this world, and the latter being a dead period in my life that i deal with only because i have no other choice.
ladies and gentlemen, it is almost buckeye football season. i feel like screaming.
as i do every year, i shall now give you a game-by-game breakdown and prediction for our beloved buckeyes, as well as a short forecast for this years big ten teams, along with my predicted final big ten standings.
we now return you to your regularly scheduled life.
GENERIC OVERVIEW
in years past, i have gone position by position on offense, defense, and special teams in my preview and given my thoughts on each man-child donning the scarlet and gray on those units. this year i think ill just ramble off some incoherent thoughts in no particular order, as it is easier to read and write this way. and i am all about comfort and putting forth as little effort as possible. you know this.
* the buckeyes are starting the year off ranked #6 in the coaches poll, and i think thats a bit of a gift ranking considering all that we lost from last year - boeckman, lauranitis, freeman, jenkins, beanie, robiske, hartline, pretorious, trapasso and boone (assclown) jump immediately to mind. this will be a young team, and young teams make mistakes. often. expect turnovers and missed assignments early in the year.
* i am tired of hearing about how the offensive line is finally poised to do great things. how many years in a row have we heard this? three? four? every year since 2002? come talk to me when our QBs arent running for their lives every other play.
* this team will go only as far as terrelle pryor takes them. i know that is a bit cliche to say that a team will be great if their quarterback is great and wont be if he isnt, but its true more than ever with this specific team. if t-preezy can make that big jump that players often do with their second year as a starter, watch out.
* i am so very much done with ray small. this is the last time you will read of him in this blog.
* heres a bold prediction - lawrence wilson will break his leg during the navy game. breaking his leg during the first game of the year is what he does best.
* while it always sucks to lose a player of beanies caliber, i am not one of those gloom-and-doom guys when it comes to our backs. its easy to overlook boom herron when you get to watch beanie for two years, but the dude is the real deal. let me say it one more time - you are going to love boom herron by the fourth game of the year. also, brandon saine is as dangerous of a receiver as he is a back - meaning he is slightly above average at both. add true froshy jammall berry, and the future is bright at the running back position at ohio state.
* according to college football news (cfn.com), todd bauserman is our backup quarterback. im assuming this man is a combination between todd boeckamn and joe bauserman. he sounds dangerous and i like him.
* the defensive line should be good, but im not one of those bloggers who is drunk on their potential. i already said above that lawrence wilson should be sidelined by about the second quarter of game one, and our DTs dont exactly keep me awake at night wondering if they are watching me. thaddeus gibson, however, does. he has a few nicknames that i like to use - thad, thad the impaler, DESTROY EVERYTHING MOVING, and BEAST MODE. dude is a freak. dude is always angry. dude probably killed a live animal with a knife today and he didnt know why. i dont know why, and i dont care why. #90 is for real.
* im not all that concerned with losing the little animal and marcus freeman, as we seem to have a limitless stable of insanely good linebackers ready to go at any minute. we are strong at safety and a little thin at CB. chimdi checkwa should be our number one cover guy, which will be a lot easier to swallow if our line can get some consistent pressure on the opposing QB. dont worry kids, the defense will be fine.
* our receivers will be young, but fast. there are some who believe that losing robiske and hartline will only benefit the bucks this season, as it will give devier posey, taurian washington, dane sanzenbacher, and flash thomas a chance to shine. i wont go as far as saying that losing your top two receivers is a good thing, but it wont hurt the buckeye as much as it would most other teams in college football.
* dude i would hate most if he werent an ohio state buckeye? duron carter. the son of former ohio state and minnesota viking great chris carter, duron likes to run his mouth a little bit. which is actually kind of necessary when you are a wideout, but still - i would hate that dude if he played for anyone else. and he is only a freshman. a true freshman.
GAME BY GAME PREDICTIONS (last years record)
vs. Navy Midshipmen (8-5)
September 5th - Columbus, OH
if you could draw up the worst possible team to play on the opening weekend of your season and seven days before you play USC, it would be navy. instead of facing a pro-style offense that, while not exactly trojanesque, could prepare you for what you might be seeing the next week, you have to gameplan for and go up against a TRIPLE OPTION OFFENSE which gives each team on their schedule hell week in and week out.
dont get me wrong. im not saying that the buckeyes should be shaking in their boots, but im also not saying that itll be a cakewalk. defending a triple option has everything to do with assignments, and as i said earlier, young teams are likely to miss an assignment or three every now and again. you must account for every single man on the field every single play of the game when playing a team like navy. so if the buckeyes can execute on defense, expect a W.
All-Time Series - 3-0 Ohio State Prediction Ohio State 27 Navy 13
vs. USC Trojans (12-1) September 12th - Columbus, OH in nature, there are two things you should avoid all all times - a werewolf with a chainsaw for a penis, and the USC trojans in a big game setting.
remember last season? the big bad buckeyes strolled into socal with a senior heavy team, looking to take advantage of a trojan squad with offensive line questions and a young starting quarterback by the name of mark sanchez. fast forward four quarters and im screaming my lungs out three inches away from the television screen at todd boeckman for no good reason whatsoever. life is confusing.
USC is again the class of the pac-10 and again one of the teams to beat in the national title picture. it sounds familiar, but if anyone outside of florida oklahoma texas or USC wins the national title, color me shocked. the key to a good showing on the part of the buckeyes will be getting early pressure on whomever is under center for the men of troy - aaron corp or matt barkley. corp seemed to be leading the QB competition until tweaking his knee in practice last week, so it remains to be seen if uber recruit barkley can step in and win the job. i would love to see a true freshman come into the horseshoe with 105,000 screaming drunken lunatics on his ass, and have BEAST MODE get an early lick on him to make him think a little more than he probably should after each snap.
again, it sounds cliche, but if the buckeyes can get pressure on the QB, anything is possible.
All-Time Series - 12-9-1 USC Prediction USC 21 Ohio State 17
at Toledo Rockets (3-9) September 19th - Cleveland, OH after a tough game against the trojans, the buckeyes must "travel" all the way to cleveland browns stadium for an "away" game against the "football team" known as the toledo "rockets". excuse while i pee myself with excitement.
the only good thing about this game will be remembering how toledo had all of three wins last season, and one of them came in the big house against michigan. priceless!
All-Time Series - 1-0 Ohio State Prediction Ohio State 38 Toledo 9
vs. Illinois Fighting Illini September 26th - Columbus, OH i had a hard time picking this game, and not just because its the middle of august and what the hell do i really even know about college football anyway? the illini are my big ten sleeper team of the year after following up their 2008 rose bowl season with a pedestrian 5-7 campaign last year. juice williams has GOT to finally put it all together this year, right? right?
if you remember, the last time illinois came into the shoe it didnt end very well for the bucks. the loss on senior day (and my birthday weekend) in 2007 seemingly crushed the hopes of a berth in the BCS championship game before all hell broke loose and we won the right to get beaten down by LSU in baton rouge. yay.
ill probably flip flop on this prediction a few times between now and the 26th, so dont expect me to stick with my current feelings for very long at all.
All-Time Series - 61-30-3 Ohio State Prediction Ohio State 24 Illinois 17
at Indiana Hoosiers (3-9) October 3rd - Bloomington, IN the laughing stock of big ten football (and thats way more of an insult today than it was in years past) is back for another year of hilarious and comical football nonsense! how unfortunate!
indiana had three wins last year, and they came against murray state, western kentucky, and northwestern - a perennial who's-who of athletic inadequacy. if you were thinking of following your buckeyes to a road game this year and you dont want to spend time with those mouth-breathers from michigan or those urine-flinging-asshats from penn state, go to bloomington. its by far the friendliest destination in the big ten. afterall, what in the hell could an indiana fan possibly have to say to an ohio state fan? we stole bobby knight from you?
All-Time Series - 65-9-4 Ohio State (!!!!!!!) Prediction Ohio State 42 Indiana 3
vs. Wisconsin Badgers (7-6) October 10th - Columbus, OH if a 7-6 record can look deceptive, its this 7-6 record. make no mistake - wisconsin lost to every single good team they played last year. plus michigan. losses to ohio state, penn state, michigan, iowa, michigan state, and florida state resulted in brett bilema being on very thin ice this year from the fans perspective. though this might not matter much if barry alvarez is unwilling to fire him no matter how many games he loses or people he kills or friends he hurts and leaves dead and dying and bloodied along the way so long as he becomes an investigatory journalist.
i am not anticipating much of a game at this point, which is sad because the wisconsin matchup is the only home game of the season that wont be horrifically boring other than september 12th against USC. odd numbered years suck.
All-Time Series - 52-17-5 Ohio State Prediction Ohio State 30 Wisconsin 13
at Purdue Boilermakers (4-8) October 17th - West Lafayette, IN four wins - northern colorado, central michigan, indiana, michigan. yawn.
on the bright side, we get to hear that awesome "BOILER UP!" chant every ten seconds and that boiler whistle every three. because both are not annoying at all and i wont be drowning a bald eagle every time i hear one. no, that wont be happening at all. dont worry about me.
All-Time Series - 37-12-2 Ohio State Prediction Ohio State 37 Purdue 17
vs. Minnesota Golden Gophers October 24th - Columbus, OH after starting 7-1 last year, the wheels fell off of the gophers season, culminating with a 5 game losing skid to end up at 7-6. their 2009 schedule is soft, excepting a four game stretch of penn state, ohio state, michigan state, and illinois in october / early november.
what is being overlooked in the national media (and i base that statement on absolutely nothing) is the long-awaited opening of minnys first on-campus football facility since the late 1570's in TCF bank stadium. the fact that i will never have to watch another college football game in the metrodome makes me giddy. that was such a terrible venue...
All-Time Series - 41-7 Ohio State Prediction Ohio State 35 Minnesota 10
vs. New Mexico State Child Molestors (3-9) October 31st - Columbus, OH i have nothing to say about this game that is football related. but, itll be halloween, so yay! i guess some buckeye football is better than no buckeye football at all, but seriously? new mexico state? what, was hilliard darby not available?
All-Time Series - ERROR NO GAMES FOUND! SYNTAX ERROR. FATAL ERROR. Prediction Ohio State 2507 New Mexico State -3
at Penn State Nittany Lions (11-2) November 7th - State College, PA do yourself a favor and look at penn states 2009 football schedule - if you want to call it that. talk about sad and pathetic - their nonconference games are akron, syracuse, temple, and eastern illinois. all at home. this is a joke.
thanks to this fact, we will have no idea how good or bad penn state is until the 7th when the buckeyes cruise into beaver stadium looking to exercise the demons of seasons past. yes, daryll clark is back under center and he will be handing the rock off to even royster, but beyond that penn state is shaky.
they are replacing most of their offensive line, their entire secondary, three four-year starting wideouts, all of their defensive ends, and their kicker. if ohio state is losing a lot of talent, penn state is losing even more, and we will have no idea how good the replacements are until they go up against the scarlet and gray. so yeah. i dont know.
All-Time Series - 12-11 Ohio State Prediction Penn State 17 Ohio State 14
vs. Iowa Hawkeyes (9-4) November 14th - Columbus, OH the toast of the big ten last season is finally back on the buckeye schedule, and is coming into ohio stadium on my birthday weekend. hurray!
iowa lost 4 games last year by a combined 12 points, which was good because the media could finally get back to freaking out about how kirk ferentz is the big tens best coach. OMGKIRK!!1! was back in full-effect after taking a couple of seasons off.
some would say iowa is ready to take their next big step and again challenge for a big ten championship and BCS game berth, while i see another 9-4 or so season out of the hawkeyes. but what in the hell do i know.
All-Time Series - 44-14-3 Ohio State Prediction Ohio State 23 Iowa 14
at Michigan Wolverines (3-9) November 21st - Ann Arbor, MI yeah, michigan went 3-9 last season. and yeah, dickrod has always had a major turn-around in season two wherever he has been in his career. come talk to me after the notre dame game, which is really where we are going to know where the maize and blew season will be heading. win, and collect some serious momentum heading into a season where the conference slate seems light - at michigan state and vs penn state being the only two games that seem as likely losses outside of the buckeyes. lose, and its the same soup reheated from last season.
the glaring concern for michigan is getting people in place to run dickrods offensive scheme - heavy emphasis on "scheme". the likely QB seems to be some dude named calista forcier (okay his name is actually tate forcier), who apparently tore shit up in their spring game. whatever.
what else can i say about The Game? the buckeyes have take seven out of the last eight, and seem to be in good shape to win at least the next two before the meeting in ann arbor in 2011. that should be an interesting game assuming dickrod is still in town and the players have taken to his scheme. though it is the ohio state / michigan game, and anything is possible, and records mean nothing, and any team can win on any given day.........come on.
All-Time Series - 57-42-6 Michigan Prediction Ohio State 27 Michigan 13
NOT ON THE SCHEDULE Michigan State Spartans Northwestern Wildcats (nerds)
WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN, BASIL? this is a tough team to forecast. younger teams always are. do they succumb to the growing pains associated with their youth and lose 3-4 games, or are they too immature to realize that youthful teams arent supposed to go undefeated and play for the national championship and do just that?
common thought is that the buckeyes are still one year away from being serious contenders nationally, and i happen to agree. while i think losses are probable against the trojans and at penn state, it doesnt mean that they couldnt rise up and win both. or it doesnt mean that they couldnt stumble against wisconsin or iowa. or michigan. its a good year to not have michigan state and northwestern on the slate, but i am going to miss playing both. its always fun to remind the nerds of exactly where they stand in the big ten football hierarchy, and i have always been jacked up to play sparty. mark dantonios angry scowl causes me frequent pee-pee accidents.
with that said, i expect joe pa's group to stumble along the way and lose at least one conference game, meaning the buckeyes would again be in line for a shared big ten championship - and there are worse things that could happen in a rebuilding year than that. as far as a bowl game goes, one would be inclined to smell roses in pasadena, but i think penn states schedule sets them up nicely for a return trip. i dont think there would be many circumstances where a 10-2 ohio state team would get left out of the BCS conversation, so lets say something like, oh i dont know, the fiesta bowl. you know, since we kinda play there every year anyway. it might be a law. no one is really sure at this point.
PROJECTED BIG TEN STANDINGS 1) Penn State 11-1 (7-1) 1) Ohio State 10-2 (7-1) 3) Illinois 10-2 (6-2) 3) Michigan State 9-3 (6-2) 5) Iowa 8-4 (5-3) 6) Northwestern 8-4 (4-4) 6) Wisconsin 8-4 (4-4) 8) Michigan 6-6 (3-5) 9) Minnesota 4-8 (1-7) 9) Purdue 3-9 (1-7) 11) Indiana 3-9 (0-8)
so i went through each team and did a game-by-game win/loss prediction, and came up with these projections. a couple things stand out...
* i dont think minnesota is (1-7) material - they probably arent that bad. maybe they end up beating the nerds and wisky. aside from that, i cant really see them beating any of the top 5 contenders...
* im taking a serious chance on wisconsin at (4-4), as they could easily drop below that. michigan or minnesota could jump up and bite them on their ass.
* i am very much looking forward to the michigan state / illinois game in east lansing in week three. after starting out against the buckeyes, penn state, and then michigan state, illinois could be in some serious doo-doo if they arent ready to play.
* i really cant say too many awful things about penn states schedule. its a complete and total joke.
* i have no idea what to think about michigan. im assuming they beat purdue and indiana, but im taking a serious flyer on a victory on the road against wisconsin. could the maize and blew really miss a bowl game for the second year in a row???
* who is going to be the big ten team to beat penn state, you ask? im putting my money on their trip to illinois in week two. also, the season finale against the spartans wont be a cakewalk either. then again, thats also what i said last year, and we know how that game ended up...
* as a buckeye fan, the games that scare me the most on our conference schedule are at penn state, vs illinois, vs iowa, and at michigan - in that order. taking three out of four should be considered a good thing.
CLOSING THOUGHTS i have weddings scheduled during the indiana game and the wisconsin game. i am not sure if i am going to either, as this season is going to be a great one for tailgating. those of you who have been a part of the maute / hughes tailgates of the past should be beyond excited for this year, seeing as how we have stepped up our games significantly. our goal is to make your experience a better one with every passing year. we feel as if you will be happy with what we have to offer. kisses.
i was listening to the song "the things we do for love" by 10cc on the way into work today. normally i would be listening to sports talk radio, but if i hear one more f-ing thing about michael vick im going to shove a pick-axe into my earhole until the pain goes away.
the chorus of the song talks about the things we do for love, which is a genius way to go considering the title of the song itself. who would have expected it? everyone.
the lyrics go like this...
"like walking in the rain and the snow and theres nowhere to go, and youre feeling like a part of you is dying. and youre looking for the answer in her eyes - you think youre gonna break up, but she says she wants to make up."
which to me is really only one single thing that we do for love. and yet the song is called the "things" (plural) that we do for love. which begs the logical question of the dudes at 10cc - what else can i do for love aside from traveling on foot in less than optimal weather while feeling awful and searching for answers to questions i didnt really ask inside of someones eye balls?
according to wikipedia, the current incarnation of 10cc does not feature all four of the original members, so theres really no way to get the answer out of them in 2009. which is an epic disappointment of historical significance if you ask me. however, as always, i am here to answer the tough questions and help guide you along your cosmic path as i tell you exactly how to live your life. its what i do best.
OTHER THINGS YOU CAN DO FOR LOVE ASIDE FROM WALKING IN THE RAIN AND SNOW WHEN THERES NOWHERE TO GO AND YOURE FEELING LIKE A PART OF YOU IS DYING
* get up earlier than you normally would on a saturday morning and go sleep on the couch. when your wife or mistress (hopefully mistress) comes out and asks you why you are sleeping there, tell her its because you had a bad dream, woke up crying, and didnt want her to see you in such a condition. she will find this extremely touching, and will tell you that you can always be yourself around her. use this goodwill as leverage to get her to make you a large breakfast.
* if you are at her annual family reunion, get inappropriately drunk and sleep with her cousin / sister / aunt. when she finds out, tell her you only did it because she reminded you so much of her. women appreciate being reminded that you are attracted to them.
* are you thinking of cheating on your girlfriend, but dont want her to break up with you? heres a good test to find out if youll be able to get away with it. buy a few ed hardy shirts (but dear lord keep the receipts so you can return them once the experiment is completed) and ask her what she thinks of them. if she likes them, she is a no good dirty tramp who has self-esteem issues and is likely a lonely skank in the inner most depths of her soul. do with her as you please. cheat away. she will never leave you.
* women love it when their man acts like a real man. get a tribal arm band tattoo. throw on a graphic t-shirt. drink a few red bull and vodkas. watch a UFC fight, then smack her around a little bit. she will appreciate your manly side even if she is bleeding out of her mouth uncontrollably. use this leverage to get her to make you a large meal of some sort.
* women like it when their men are honest with them. when she asks you, "do these jeans make my butt look big?" answer "yes" as quickly as possible, then go right back to doing whatever it was you were doing. she may start crying and she may seem to be upset with you, but a little eating disorder never hurt anyone, right?
* women love to know about your past. while at a romantic restaurant on her birthday, mention in passing that you used to come here all the time with your ex-girlfriend. tell her that she was a stripper and that while the sex was great, you appreciate how much more "gentle" your love life is now.
* tell your wife about the new intern at work. say that she is in her early twenties and fresh out of college. make comments in passing like "her hair smells different than yours" and "she has such a great laugh" and "you can tell she works out a lot" and "if i were ten years younger...". women love competition.
* your wife calls you at work and says she has great news. after trying for so long and almost losing hope, she is finally pregnant. take a deep breath in, and let out a long calculated sigh. when she asks you why you dont sound happy, tell her that its not a great time for you to be busy with a baby and that you were hoping she would just "rick pitino" the situation. even though she hung up on you, its important to remember that women cherish sports humor.
i ran into my old friend brandy young last night after our volleyball domination at flannagans. at first it was awkward because we have that kid together and everything, but then tensions died down and we began to reminisce about the old times while growing up on the mean streets of upper arlington, ohio.
brandy mentioned that she rather enjoyed tuesdays blog detailing the pooping situation here at the office, and thought to myself "if i dont get home and listen to something by ricky martin on my ipod in, like, the next forty-five minutes, im going to lose my mind."
after i cooled down, i again started talking to myself in my own brain. i decided that it was ridiculous that i had been blogging for over four years and i had never once mentioned the life story of brandy, who is my good friend that i have been talking about ever since the beginning of this blog entry about two paragraphs ago.
four years and two paragraphs is as long as you will have to wait to hear the life story of my best friend brandy, who i am exceptionally great friends with and i saw at volleyball last night because she was there to watch alicia pauling play and we are really good friends and brandy is my friend because we grew up together and her brother and i played basketball on the same team. i dont really know if she has a brother or not. she could have six brothers for all i know. i just made up the part about playing basketball with one of them. i think it adds a lot to the story. i am going to run with it.
brandy was born in nepal in october of 1981 to proud parents amanda and earl young. they called brandy their "miracle baby" as after months of trying, their doctor told them they it would be impossible for amanda to ever get pregnant. a saddened amanda drowned her sorrows in more than a few glasses of cognac at a local watering hole and ended up going home with a strapping young man named ben, and together they made some rather bad decisions well into the morning hours.
a week later, amanda was preggo. earl assumed it was his and amanda made the choice to not tell him about her fateful night with ben, and the sixteen ways she learned to call him big poppa. the young couple couldnt believe that their dreams of starting a family were finally coming true, and when the baby was born, amanda chose to name her "brandy" after the drink that got her libido up and her inhibitions down on that fateful night with ben.
brandy spent the first thirteen years of her life working on her fathers farm in the foothills of mount everest. at night earl would tell her stories of his youth in detroit as she peacefully drifted into her sweet slumber, and she would often dream of what it would be like to experience the booming economic prosperity in the city that invented the automobile. she dreamed of a place where all of her most ambitious life goals would easily be within reach - get a good job, raise a family, and cheer for a college football team that had won at least one unshared national championship since 1902.
it was at this very young age that brandy decided she would one day move to this wonderful place called "detroit". she would allow nothing to get in her way.
earl could tell that brandy and amanda (and possibily brothers that may or may not exist) were growing tired of their life in nepal. their life was good, but not great. they never went to bed hungry, but they had yet to experience the fullness of an all-you-can-eat food orgy at hometown buffet, and earl knew that this was not something he could deny the two (or possibly more) people he loved more than anything else in the entire world.
earl decided to sell the farm, collect his family and his possessions, and set sail for the united states of america - brandy was so excited that she quickly urinated all over herself. did i mention that brandy didnt completely master toilet-training until her late teens? not exactly an integral part of the story, but i thought you better know anyway.
they boarded their boat, and in two short weeks arrived in san fransico bay. after singing "ride captain ride on your mystery ship" for a few hours, it was off on their cross-country voyage to detroit. relying on hitch-hiking for travel, and the kindness of strangers for food and shelter, the young family immediately fell in love with their new country and were glad they had decided to leave the comfort and familiarity of their one-time home.
upon crossing the state line from indiana to michigan, brandy couldnt help but notice a faint stench and an oddly stationary set of storm clouds off in the distance. once they had arrived directly underneath the looming cloud formation, brandy saw a sign. it read "welcome to detroit - population 1.3 million and falling!" a sign of few miles down the road read "you are still in detroit - but why?" and was followed a few blocks later with a sign reading "welcome to downtown detroit - f*ck you."
brandy thought that specific sign was vague and unnecessary.
earl took his young family to the neighborhood where he had spent his childhood, and was shocked by what he saw. his street, which was once lined by sycamore trees, green lawns, and american flags, was overrun with litter, hypodermic needles, and people playing their stereos way too loud. a man in a pistons jersey threw a chair at amanda, and a lady walking dow the street shot brandy in the abdomen with a pistol "just so she would knew what it felt like."
earl, amanda, brandy (and possibly one or more brothers) decided that they had seen enough - detoit was not how they had imagined it. the land of automobiles and endless dreams was nothing more than a wasteland of abandoned high rises, professional basketball violence, and bloated union figureheads. and to top it all off, they learned that the university of michigan had not won an outright national championship since 1902. brandy quietly wondered to herself how their fanbase could possibly be so self-righteous and smarmy when ninety-eight percent of their accomplishments had come before world war one.? life was confusing.
they got in the next truck that stopped to pick them up. when the driver asked where they were headed, earl replied "wherever you are going, so long as it is far away from detroit." amanda hung her head and began to weep, as brandy fell asleep in her arms.
when she awoke, brandy found herself not in slums of detroit, but in a field of green grass, bathed by the warm sunlight. to her left were two tennis courts where young women who didnt have jobs because their husbands were successful joyfully hit the ball back and forth. to her right children were flying kites. and straight ahead of her was a glorious playground that she heard another child call a "big toy".
"is this heaven?" she asked her mother
"no, sweetie - its fancyburg park."
the kind truck driver had introduced earl to a man named duley beaver, who was in charge of the upper arlington parks and recreation department. dudley had told earl that he needed a hard-working man to be the new groundskeeper at fancyburg, and asked earl if he had any experience working with the land. earl, as it turned out, used to be a farmer and was perfect for the job.
the family set up residence at that house that i always see at fancyburg and think "why in the hell is there a house right in the middle of fancyburg" and finally realized their dream of living in a capitalistic paradise in the finest midwestern city in the united states. amanda got a job serving tables at a nearby restaurant named "ciao", and brandy (and possibly a brother or three) attended hastings middle school where she met some of her best friends she would ever have, including morgan hughes who she saw at volleyball last night because she was there to watch alicia pauling play and her and morgan are seriously really good friends and they hang out and talk about boys and have sleep-overs all the time. and once they gave each other home perms, but that wasnt a very good idea.
so now you know the life-story of my friend, brandy.
and brandy - thanks for reading team secret falcon.
i work in an office building. you are probably familiar with the concept - its where adults go to be stripped of their will to live, little by little, five days a week, for their entire life.
my office building is the office building located on henderson road directly across from the ua pub (which used to be called "joni's place") and its where you go to drink if you enjoy activities like falling directly on your face in the middle of the day after consuming far too many watered down red headed sluts. whatever. im not judging you.
back on point - there are many difficult tasks associated with working in an office building. they include...
1) finding the inner strength to not kill your boss with whatever blunt object is closest to you. 2) finding the inner strength to not kill yourself with whatever blunt object is closest to you. 3) finding the inner strength to not cry in front of your co-workers when you realize what it is you are doing with your life. 4) finding a quiet, secluded place to lay your logs.
thats right.
there is one mens bathroom and one womens bathroom per floor in our office building. there are five floors, plus a basement. in the basement there is also one mens bathroom and one womens bathroom. there are six total bathrooms.
each mens bathroom has one urinal and two toilets. the total size of the bathroom is about the size of a smurf closet, so cramming the urinal, toilets, plus two sinks into this small space makes it a very cramped situation to say the least. i cannot speak to the size of the womens bathrooms, though i suspect they are spacious and you get your very own book of pony stickers after you wash your hands. no fair.
one would assume that one would always go to the bathroom that is on ones specific floor when one had to make big nasty. one would be wrong. dead wrong. okay, not dead wrong, but still.
people in the building are constantly seeking out an empty bathroom to drop their stink cylinders into, and its becoming somewhat frustrating for yours truly. you see, i work on the second floor of the building, which is a pretty radical floor to work on. there are six office spaces on the second floor, only two of which are currently occupied. one is the company i work for, and one is a dentists office that is only open a few days a week. thusly, one would assume that i would never have to walk into the second floor midget bathroom only to be smacked directly in the mouth with the awful stench of some rouge fourth floor paper-pusher unleashing his fury all over my beautiful pile of sweet white porcelain virginity.
again, one would be wrong.
here is a quick run-down on each floors bathroom situation...
BASEMENT - the bathroom is almost always closed for remodeling. the UPS drop box is in the basement, so i check in on this bathroom almost daily. if it were open, it would solve a lot of our problems. but that would be too easy.
FIRST FLOOR - this bathroom is the persona non grata of the bathroom community. its such a busy bathroom that no one uses it anymore. therefore, the feces goes against the normal laws of nature and rolls uphill - to the higher floors.
SECOND FLOOR - our bathroom, which i dealt with above. should be the best bathroom in the building, but is quickly becoming the worst.
THIRD FLOOR - no one works on this floor, so everyone feels bad using its bathroom. like, if you are dropping a fat deuce and someone walks in on you, they will know that you are a bathroom jumper. except so are they so you shouldnt feel bad. but you do. i dont understand it either.
FOURTH FLOOR - one of the evil floors, as it is packed full of people and various businesses. their bathroom is always busy, and you often see people coming out of the stairway on the second floor and making a pepto-bismol-type-shuffling-motion directly into your bathroom. they are probably from the fourth floor.
FIFTH FLOOR - if those rat bastards using your toilet arent from the fourth floor, they are almost certainly from the fifth floor, which is a floor occupied by a single law firm that i have named "the large, bowel, and payne partnership". their slogan is probably "we dont try to poop unless you are trying to poop" and they probably walk at a grueling pace directly towards the camera while filming their television commercials. i guess you never want to run the risk of pooping directly next to someone you work in close quarters with, so naturally you seek out a less embarrassing place to leave your human waste.
so if you cant poop on the first, third, fourth, fifth or basement levels, where do you poop?
you poop on the second floor. you poop on my floor. you poop in my toilet.
and while you are pooping on my floor and in my toilet, you may as well redirect your rump and take a long, calculated crap all over my hopes and dreams, because you are flushing them down the toilet right along with the other stuff that holds no value in this disgusting office building of ours.
i dream of an america where people lay their logs in their own toilet. i dream of an office building where you need not fear the bathroom, but instead look forward to those ten minutes a day where your company is literally paying you to defecate. i dream of a simpler place, and a more beautiful world.
the great morgan hughes traveling nonsense of 2009 has thankfully come to a merciful ending. this is not to say that i am done traveling for the rest of the year, its just saying that i am done traveling for the next couple of weeks and why dont you stay out of my personal life before i shove a popsicle stick through your eyeball(s)?
after driving from columbus to cleveland, cleveland to columbus, columbus to chicago, chicago to columbus, columbus to new jersey, and new jersey back to columbus, i am ready to take an extended vacation from all of this vacationing. and let me be one-hundred percent honest with you - my cat has some serious dingleberry issues. i dont know how this fits into my story, but i thought i may as well get that out there and let you deal with it.
i learned a few things during my travels, and i would like to share them with you.
* people that live in the small towns surrounding the path from columbus to cape may are almost all pittsburgh steelers fans that have been put on this earth to do only one thing - tempt me to murder them. which i will almost certainly do one day.
* my grandmother is under the impression that coldplay is a band full of "whiny girls" and i couldnt bring myself to disagree with her. still, i like coldplay.
* if chris bergh lives in philadelphia (which he does) and he doesnt know you are driving through philadelphia to get to the shore (which i was), it is a good idea to take pictures of the philadelphia zoo and text them to him with the question "do you want to go to the zoo" attached (which i did). it is best if he is playing golf and promptly starts to question you while you sit by and choose to not reply. much like week-old meat sitting out in the midday sun, chris bergh tends to get better with age.
* you know you are in a bad part of chicago when a police officer asks you if you are carrying a pistol, you respond "no", and he responds "well you should be".
* while pretending to be a redneck from ohio to my cousins boyfriend from california on friday, i used the term "pig house" for the place where farmers keep their pigs. the jig was up rather quickly. damn.
* i cut my foot open pretty badly while playing putt-putt with my lady friend on thursday afternoon, because finding ways to hurt myself is becoming more and more challenging as i grow older.
* i used to not believe that pigeons celebrated thanksgiving, but after visiting navy pier in chicago i am now convinced that a large avian holiday meal would be the only possible way to explain the amount of bird shit i saw while there. piles of bird crap is to chicago as herds of douchebags are to new jersey - you can find them most anywhere you look.
* if the star trek the next generation episode "ensign ro" happened in real life, commander riker would probably have been hit with a quit-being-such-a-fag court martial. i dont know what that has to do with anything.
* i really wish to again stress the fact that abbey has some rather unfortunate dingleberry issues going on right now, and i dont really know what to do about it. give her a bath? maybe.
the third blog entry in a row that has been composed at night - we are setting records left and right here in cape may, new jersey...
Plane Ride going to the airport with my mommy tickets and luggage in hand mommy says we are going where he cant hurt us anymore mommy says a lot of things when she drinks we pull into the airport parking lot mommy puts the car in park i notice how much the airport looks like dennys because it is dennys mommy thinks dennys is the airport which is sad the police finally catch up to us and shoot mommy with a scary shock gun thingy the airport is fun
Boones Farm every time i drink boones farm something awesome happens like when i drank boones farm and fell down the stairs or when i drank boones farm and burned down that orphanage stupid orphanage always saving lives and making me feel bad about myself self-righteous nuns giving me dirty looks when i woke up naked on their lawn sometimes i lose my clothes despite my best intentions who are you to judge me? its like they say in the bible "quit being such a stupid judger and get out of my face" boones farm is made of equal parts strawberry and victory
Philadelphia driving through philly makes me want to do lots of things like run over little old ladies and throw puppies into pots of boiling water youd think that there would be laws against having so many douchebags in one place driving through philly really reminds you of the great things places like detroit have to offer historical figures from philadelphia include benjamin franklin, betsy ross, and adolf hitler the leading cause of death in philadelphia is an undeserved sense of accomplishment
King Tut king tut was a man who was alive a long time ago no one is really sure what he did or why he was famous historians agree that he was probably gay on account of all of the fabulous strappy sandals
i dont think i have ever blogged at night. which is weird because i have been blogging for a number of years and i have been around for a few nights during this time. you would think at some point in this span these two would have crossed paths somewhere. maybe its best that they never have. maybe people would have died. maybe zombies would have been involved. who can be sure.
hello from cape may, new jersey! population: rain!
kidding, we actually had some good weather today. my face feels like its on fire right now, which probably means that i had a good sunshine-induced time on the beach this afternoon. i fell asleep for a couple hours while lying on the sand, and since i am a mouth-breather people were taking pictures of me. it was critically embarrassing, but i pushed through it. im cool like that. i played it off like it was no big deal, but if my cousin tim doesnt delete the evidence i will probably end up smothering him in his sleep. murder is a great solution to an embarrassing photo situation. life lessons.
some fun things that have happend thus far this week...
* my grandmother getting super pissed at me for telling funny stories about my grandfather who passed away a number of years ago while jokingly making him seem like a monster. he would have had it no other way. when i die, i want my hypothetical grandchildren to tell hilarious pretend-stories about me from their youth. "pep-pep would always smack us in the mouth when we would lose our little league games. pep-pep was a violent drinker." i prefer to be called pep-pep. and vermouth makes me angry.
* my cousin kelsey finding a baby duck (which are called "kittens" in science-speak, and im not making that up) (yes i am) (sorry) and bringing it home. it is now living in the garage and i am giving serious thought to kicking its sorry ass in basketball. in your face, duck. get out of my area, duck.
* my brother peter getting a baby hermit crab stuck in his armpit hair while swimming in the ocean this morning. hilarious STD jokes were flying around like nothing you have ever seen. it was glorious.
* my moms boyfriend charlie trying in vain to win my affection. again. its been years and years charlie, and you still arent my real dad. get out of my room! and i hate you! im not calling you pappy!
* killing that dolphin and drinking its blood. interesting fact - dolphins do not have public hair, and i never knew that. you learn something new every day. also, you cannot fit your entire arm into their blowhole unless you really push with all of your strength. once in there though, its really quite spacious. its funny when you see the baby dolphin swimming around the floating bloody dead body of the mother dolphin. its like, your mother is dead you idiot!
i have always wanted a piano. we had one in my house when i was a kid. i often find myself browsing craigs list late at night, trying to see if anyone is selling anything i would be interested in. but that has very little to do with anything piano-related, so lets move on.
