Things that are good VS Things that are bad...

THINGS THAT ARE GOOD...

* going to look in your basement for something and you think it might be somewhere in a box in the back of the storage area. and it is.

* hitting a shot on your trashcan basketball hoop from all the way across your office and freaking the F out in front of several co-workers.

* season 7 of curb your enthusiasm.

* nba jam, sports talk baseball, mario 3, tecmo super bowl, goldeneye, mario 64, super mario kart.

* having some guy come up to you and be all hardass but then you are like "NO WAY" and you judo chop him in the neck / eyeballs and then steal his girlfriend and make it with her several times.

* CHIPS AND GUAC???????

* rotfl-ing

* getting to second base.

* playing sports with your friends.

* getting up in the middle of the night because you have a stomach ache and you are afraid it is diarrhea, but its not. its only food poisoning. the diarrhea comes later. go back to sleep.

* finding a needle on the ground and using it and it doesnt not contain HIV. that was a close one!

* the bill wagg show.

* walking in the park with your friend and someone comes and tries to rob you but you try to stop them and in the process the robber kills your friend. but he ends up getting caught by the police.

* falling down and hitting your head on the ground and youre like "owwwww" but then you realize children in asia have it a lot harder.

* getting to school ten minutes late but then you realize that its saturday and you dont even have school today. why does this happen to you so much?

* finally being able to dunk a basketball, but then you wake up and it was all a dream and you still dont have any friends and you have terrible acne. BUT ITS YOUR BIRTHDAY!

THINGS THAT ARE BAD...

* vet bills that are ridiculously expensive because one cat is a bully to another cat so she pees all over your house, only thats not it and another cat is super fat and also has fleas even though she is the only indoor cat so then you have to get your house fumigated. FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS.

* drowning in blood.

* friends that tell you that grits are made from intestines, and you are such a northern white person that you believe them. even though you thought they were made from potatoes. which is also wrong.

* having your head run over by a car, only its not a car its a ninja sword, and its not your head its your genitals.

* doing cartwheels in a subway parking lot and losing your keys.

* punching your girlfriends dad in the mouth because he wasnt treating you with the respect you deserve. also you are really drunk.

* your house getting exploded by a tidal wave.

* fire ants on your wankus.

* vampire movies / books / tv shows.

* this blog entry.

Team Secret Radio...

new team secret radio epiode awesome show great job has been posted. either click the link to the right (on this page, dummy) or go to itunes and search "team secret radio".

i would use itunes if i were you.

but im not you, and i dont know your life. i hate you.

Weekend Recap...

head hurts. very dehydrated. dont feel well. might die.

lets recap this weekends big ten games...

This Week

Wagg Predictions: 4-2
Wagg Against-The-Spread: 2-3

Morgan Predictions: 5-1
Morgan Against-The-Spread: 2-3

For The Season

Wagg Predictions: 26-12 (68%)
Morgan Predictions: 29-9 (76%)

Wagg ATS: 11-21 (34%)
Morgan ATS: 12-20 (38%)

Big Ten Power Rankings
September 28th, 2009

1. Ohio State - thanks to a hawkeye win over penn state and the buckeyes dominating defense, ohio state jumps up to the top spot of the power rankings for the first time in over a year. terrelle pryor continues to confuse me as to whether he is the next vince young or juice williams, but it was rainy so i will use that as this weeks excuse for his questionable play. did i mention how disgusting this defense is? i mean, good lord - back-to-back shutouts? that hasnt been done by a buckeye team in 13 years. this squad is only getting better...

2. Iowa - OMGKIRKFERENTZ!!!!111!1!! OMGKIRKTOTHENFL!!!111!1!!

3. Michigan - it seems to me that a team that is "back" would beat lowly indiana by more than three points at home, right? right?

4. Penn State - we finally found out what penn state was made of after that insane out of conference schedule. as it turns out, not much. paper tiger, party of two? your table is ready. in the basement. of failure.

5. Wisconsin - pretty sure this is the team that was supposed to contend for the conference title last season. i dont know, maybe the 2009 team used time travel to switch places with the 2008 team. it has happened before. sure it has.

6. Minnesota - hard to tell what kind of team minnesota is. their position at 6th says more about the bottom half of the league than how good i think they are. every time i drink the gopher kool-aide it comes back to bite me in the ass, so ill hold off for now.

7. Michigan State - another disappointing game for sparty. that being said, i still think they win this weekend vs the wolverweenies at home.

8. Northwestern - nerds!!!!!!!!!!!

9. Purdue - purdue comes close to beating notre dame. not much else to say about the boilers. they have two winnable games coming up against minnesota and northwestern.

10. Illinois - so very disappointed in the illini. i thought they would be better than this. get ready for the hot seat, ron zook. at least you are used to it.

11. Indiana - yes, you almost beat michigan. unfortunately, close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades. and pregnancy tests.

Big Ten Score Predictions...

a quick run-down of this weeks picks...

Indiana at Michigan
Line: UM -20
Wagg says: Michigan 41-3
Morgan says: Michigan 31-9

Minnesota at Northwestern
Line: PICK EM
Wagg says: Minnesota 31-13
Morgan says: Minnesota 24-21

Michigan State at Wisconsin
Line: WISC -3
Wagg says: Michigan State 24-21
Morgan says: Wisconsin 21-17

Iowa at Penn State
Line: PSU -9.5
Wagg says: Penn State 31-14
Morgan says: Penn State 30-20

Notre Lame at Purdue
Line: ND -7
Wagg says: Notre Dame 35-31
Morgan says: Notre Dame 21-17

Illinois at Ohio State
Line: OSU -14
Wagg says: Ohio State 38-21
Morgan says: Ohio State 21-17

go bucks.

Need Reasons To Be Angry?

hop on facebook. read status updates. try to hold back the vomit building in the depths of your throat. fight the urge to puke. relent. spew all over your keyboard.

wash. rinse. repeat.

the following are a few of the many types of facebook users that make me want to die...

I HATE YOU AND YOUR ASS FACE

* wanksters-who-quote-hip-hop-song-lyrics - since i grew up in a suburb of columbus, i am not friends with any real black people. while this makes me the worst possible type of white person in the eyes of most hipsters, it also gives me pure, unadulterated hatred for white people that i grew up with that one day suddenly become thug masters who speak like eminem and still think at age 28 that they are this close to breaking into the hip-hop mainstream. guess what? youre not. and how do i know this? because we were in cub scouts together, i know your mother, i have been to your house, and you are the farthest thing from gangster that a person could possibly be.

you dont have to be an OG to type "picture me rollin..." into your staus update field. and just because you host an open mic night at your friends bar doesnt make you a DJ. and i swear on everything holy that if i see one more picture of you flashing an expressionless look at the camera with your head tilted slightly at an angle towards the sky, i am going to tell a real black person what you are doing and they are going to come pistol-whip you in the face until you drop the accent and start wearing tapered jeans again.

* OMGIHAVEABOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND/FIANCE!!!11!1!! - okay, we get it - you are engaged. you are about to get married. you have a boyfriend. you wish you were spending time with your girlfriend. your fiance sent you flowers for no reason and it makes your birth canal want to explode with happy-happy-joy-joy feelings of bliss. THANK YOU FOR SHARING.

it seems to me that the people who share the most about their wonderful relationships on facebook are the type of people who actually arent completely one-hundred percent sure about their feelings, so they need to post some retarded romance drivel in the hopes that one of their friends will reply with a comment like "omg you are so lucky to have him!!!" and it will magically make them feel like they are doing the right thing and will put their doubts to rest. only it doesnt. so they keep doing it. and keep doing it. and keep doing it. until you find yourself balled up in a corner staring at the burning carnage of your computer as the lighter fluid you poured onto the screen to make the pain stop feeds the flames and you feel the heat on your naked body as you consume a mason jar filled with your own urine.

CANT WAIT FOR MY BETTER HALF TO GET HOME! WISH MY MAN WAS HERE! MISS MY LITTLE HONEY-BUNNY! I LOVE MY WEDDING RING! ONLY 86 DAYS TILL THE WEDDING!

the more you talk about the person you are in a relationship with in such a way, the greater the chances are that i am going to train an attack dog to viciously attack them and tear off their genitals. just so you know.

* the-one-million-quiz-quiz-taker - which friends cast member are you? are you left or right handed? how many voices do you hear inside of your head? which dixie chick do you want to assault? how many cats should you own? when will you get married? how many licks does it take to get the to center of a tootsie pop? what percent of you is fairy princess?

its okay to want to take those fun little quizzes that let you know exactly which decade you should have been born in, but please do so in moderation. and it is not necessary to publish the results into your news feed for all to see. i have a facebook friend that is pregnant and keeps taking those tests that tell you when you are going to get pregnant, and when it says that she will get pregnant in 2012 she has a LOL attack and thinks the test is sooooooooo hilarious for being so wrong. yeah, we get it - you are pregnant. ive said it before and i will say it again - human being have been pushing smaller human beings out of them since the beginning of time, and they will continue to do so long after you are dead and buried.

and if you want to figure out when that will be, there is probably a facebook test that will let you know. but im hoping for soon.

* my-life-sucks-please-pity-me - you know the type...

"couldnt get out of bed this morning. soooo tired. wish the weekend was here :( blah"

"i hate my job. i dont know how they expect me to do this much. plus my boss is an asshole."

"why is it that i cant meet a nice guy who just wants to spend time with me and doesnt mind the fact that i am a relentless narcissist who only wants to talk about me and how unique i am. sigh."

a) go to bed earlier. you can watch the real housewives of atlanta marathon over the weekend.
b) get a new job. oh, whats that? you are too lazy? then shut up.
c) i am really finding it hard to believe that every guy in america doesnt want to get into a relationship with a self-consumed, vain sex and the city addict who expects mr big to pull up next to them on the street in his private limo and save them from their diamond-in-the-rough existence. why dont you just stop taking your birth control and sleep around until you hit the baby jackpot. good talk.

* i-have-a-blog-and-i-need-you-to-know-about-it-at-all-times-every-single-day-of-your-life - oh wait, thats me. anyway, i hate those people too.

Tips For a Healthy Life...

with more americans eating fast food than ever, cases of diabetes at an all-time high, and mainstream vampire popularity surging at an irresponsible pace, it has become more important than ever to live a healthy lifestyle. the problem is, most americans have less and less time in their day as the stresses of marriage, children, and keeping up with all of the harry potter and twilight books requires their full-time attention.

fear not, huddled masses - team secret falcon is here to impart some wisdom all over your lower pubic region. in part one of this one part series, i will let you in on some secrets that will better equip you to lead that healthy and happy life that has seemingly been just out of reach for so long.

and when team secret falcon tells you to do something, you do it. when team secret falcon says jump, you ask "how high?"

when team secret falcon tells you its easter, you start coloring eggs.

TIPS FOR A HEALTHY LIFE

* take care of your body - you only get one! its important not to overwork yourself. remember to rest, and try not to move as much as possible. using your arms and legs while you are young will only serve to sap them of critical energy that you will need to draw upon when you are older. every day seventy-four million people in the state of ohio lose their life due to accidents associated with treadmills. dont play their game.

* more = better! you are always looking to accumulate more money, right? and more possessions, right? well the same thing goes for body mass - the more body mass you accumulate, the more power you will have to fight off late-life threats to your health such as alzheimers, heart disease, and evil anamorphic hamsters bent on world domination. plan ahead!

* get started early! childhood obesity is one of the most effective ways to attain a spot on fun game shows like celebrity fit club and the biggest loser. your chances of winning millions of dollars in prize money on a weight loss game show drops drastically the longer you wait to put on the weight. yeah, you may feel full after an entire meal at the dinner table, but couldnt you fit just a few more helpings of cheesy potatoes and spaghetti in while you are at it? hell yes you could. believe in your dreams!

* pay attention to colors! nature has its own way of telling you would you should and should not be eating. if something isnt a natural color, chances are you shouldnt be eating it. cabbage is a big no-no. how many times in nature do you see something that is purple? exactly. the same thing goes for yellow peppers. the only thing i can think of that is yellow is the sun, and we all know that if you touch the sun you run a high risk of hurting your eyes unless you are wearing an adequate amount of SPF 15 sunscreen. try some vault soda - its green! like grass! how about some hostess cupcakes? they are brown. yep - just like the dirt that makes up 98% of the earths mass! eating smart is so very important. think for yourself!

* there are certain diseases and afflictions that only men or only women have to worry about. for instance, did you know that men are the only gender out of all four that are affected by heart attacks? and women are the only people on the entire planet that have to worry about vagina cancer? spending your life worrying about things that scientifically cannot hurt you is taking away valuable time that you could be using to save energy in your legs for later in life (see tip #1) or training to be on the biggest loser (see tip #3). women who sit around and worry about sudden infant death syndrome (a problem that only shows in middle-aged men) are wasting as much time as white people who want to play professional sports that dont take place on an ice rink. dont waste your time!

* cardiovascular disease is a serious threat to all of humanity. use as many forms of birth control as are available to you.

* every minute, twelve people in columbus choke to death on various fruits and vegetables. broccoli alone is responsible for over six-hundred thousand deaths a day in third-world developing countries like cambodia and mexico. if you elect me to the city council, i will fight for your rights as human being to not be threatened by these statistical murdering menaces to society.

* dreams just dont happen by themselves! dreams are of critical importance when speaking of long-term brain health, and they require viable energy to fuel their presence while you sleep. its important to consume many carbonated, caffeinated drinks with high sugar levels about thirty minutes before climbing into bed. the surgeon general recommends products such as mountain dew, red bull, dr pepper, and jolt cola as a part of a balanced late-night food plan.

* three squares a day = no way! recently, scientists in london discovered a previously unknown part of a balanced diet that is of utmost importance to a living a long, healthy life. it is known as "fourth meal", and usually contains high (but completely healthy) levels of sour cream, cheese, "mild sauce", and a soupy combination of refried beans and questionable meat substitute. it is best to consume "fourth meal" somewhere between the hours of 1am and 4am, immediately after ingesting large amounts of malted alcoholic beverages.

now get out there and start living your life the right way! the healthy way! the team secret falcon way!

Racism In America...

joe owns some land in southern michigan. about 10 acres. last year some guy who owns land close to the property line of joes land happened to strike oil, and made a significant amount of money. joe, a person who could definitely use some extra cash flow, subsequently goes oil-crazy and spends his life savings searching for his own reserve of black gold all over his property.

only thats not the end of the story. joes neighbors see that joe is frantically searching for oil, and think that if joe could find oil on his land, so could they. they then spend their life savings searching for this elusive payday, and set off a firestorm of people going broke looking for oil all over the state of michigan. it matters little that only one person has actually found oil on their land.

time magazine picks up the story from the detroit press, and michigan is hailed as the "new frontier of the oil industry." jimmy carter goes on anderson cooper 360 and says that he has personal knowledge that there are billions of dollars of texas tea burried underneath the wolverine state. white people all across america spend countless hours at their douchebaggy artsy-fartsy dinner parties discussing this undeniable fact.

a few rouge media outlets release investigations into the same type of situation that occurred in nebraska in the early 1990s. their findings indicate that the same type of sensationalized media storm created an overreaction from the locals at that time, and that many people lost a lot of money. these media outlets are systematically dismissed as participating in widespread denial, and are accused of trying to keep michigan residents down.

fast forward three years and very little oil has actually been found in michigan. people have lost a lot of money. time has been invested in an effort that proved far beyond futile.

the lesson is, just because somebody with credentials says something and a lot of people latch on to that opinion and put their collective weight behind that specific agenda, doesnt make the agenda factual. it doesnt mean they are correct.

telling a lie and screaming a lie are two completely different things. when you scream, more people hear you. and when more people hear you, the better your chances are of reaching some of the gullible idiots out there.

such is our curse with the racism in america debate.

joe wilson screams "you lie!" during a speech given by OMGBARACK!!!11!!11! and our old, familiar friend "the race card" is dusted off and thrown into the mainstream media 24 hour news coverage cycle. jimmy carter says that racism is behind the remark, and if jimmy carter says it, it must be true.

spike lee goes on the BBC and is asked if he agrees with carter.

spike: i do.
BBC: you do?
spike: yes.
BBC: what about the attack on his policies, for example? healthcare?
spike: when has that ever happened before? that a senator calls someone a liar. thats never happened before.
BBC: that doesnt mean it was done because the president was black, now does it?
spike: look - how long have you been black?
BBC: ive never been black.
spike: thank you very much.

dynamite reasoning there, spike. so the way we know that joe wilson is a racist is because you are black and we arent? and we are just supposed to sit back and believe you and buy into your agenda because you are screaming and we arent black?

spike lee says it. loudly. so it must be true.

now dont get me wrong, and dont misunderstand the point i am trying to make. prejudice clearly still exists in america today. it does. allow me to produce a short list of people who are discriminated against in this country on a daily basis...

black people
white people
asian people
muslims
arabs
indians
canadians
mexicans
jews
christians
austrialians
russians
men
women
children
dogs
cats
lunch ladies
doctors
lawyers
butchers
bakers
candle stick makers

so the question isnt "am i being discriminated against?" the question is "what in the hell am i going to do about it?"

am i going to let it ruin my life? am i going to spend my entire existence playing the victim and raising my children and my childrens children to feel wronged? am i going to go in front of the national press and bitch about inequality? or am i going to succeed in the face of those who wish to see me fail? am i going to see this wonderful country not for the few examples of the antiquated beliefs of a few idiots, but for the countless opportunities that it presents me with on a minute-by-minute basis over the course of my entire life?

you want to see real racism? you want to see real prejudice? head down under and learn about the plight of aborigines. go to south africa and participate in their racially-fueled civil wars. take part in the intense anti-immigration protests in many european countries. go to the middle east and bitch and moan about your day-to-day struggles. see how much pity they have for you over there.

the fact is, as a person of color or no, there is not a better place to live in the entire world than the united states of america. you won the genetic lottery by just being born here, and the opportunities presented to you each moment of your life are exactly what so many people suffering around this world under actual discrimination and tyranny dream about every second of their lives.

im so sick and f-ing tired of listening to people complain about how they have been wronged. i am even sicker of idiot hypocrites. the same left-wing nutjobs that compared george bush to hitler are now calling joe wilson a racist for saying that OMGBARACK!!!11!11! is a liar? and thats okay? you call someone hitler, okay. i call someone a liar, not okay?

appreciate what you have been given. and dont buy into someones bullshit theories just because they are screaming louder than anyone else.

also, spike lee is an asshole.

Weekend Recap...

i said on friday that it could be a big weekend for the big ten if minnesota could somehow beat cal and if sparty could continue their dominance of notre dame. both almost happened.

its becoming more and more clear who the good teams are, and less and less clear who the bad teams are. yeah, indiana is 3-0 but would they really put a scare into anyone in the conference? probably not. meanwhile michigan somehow looks like world-beaters, and the season finale in ann arbor suddenly doesnt look as good as it did at the start of the year for buckeye fans.

lets see how team secret falcon vs the bill wagg show played out this weekend...

THIS WEEK

Wagg Predictions: 5-5
Wagg Against-The-Spread: 4-5

Morgan Predictions: 7-3
Morgan Against-The-Spread: 6-3

FOR THE SEASON

Wagg Predictions: 22-10 (69%)
Morgan Predictions: 24-8 (75%)

Wagg ATS: 9-18 (33%)
Morgan ATS: 10-17 (37%)

Big Ten Power Rankings
September 21st, 2009

1. Penn State - after three yawners against teams that would probably lose to hilliard davidson, penn state gets a visit from the hawkeyes this coming weekend in a game that i desperately want to see. the defense has looked good, but they really havent even come close to playing anyone worth a crap yet. we will know much more about the nittany lions on sunday morning.

2. Ohio State - yeah, okay, we beat the poop out of toledo just like we should have. but isnt that would good teams do? win the game you are supposed to win? the offense looked strong, though its still up in the air as to who the featured running back is going to be. brandon saine, boom herron, and jordan hall all put up somewhere around 70 yards on the ground, and terrelle pryor toyed with the rockets for four quarters as if they were children. again the defense played beautifully, and it looks like the silver bullets are on their way to being one of the best units in the country.

3. Michigan - OMGMICHIGAN!1!!11! OMGDICKROD!!!111!

3. Iowa - while beating arizona doesnt mean quite as much as it used to, it was still a solid win for iowa at home on saturday. i am again drinking the hawkeye kool aid, and i think they have a legitimate shot in happy valley this week if they can limit their mistakes and win the turnover battle. cant wait for this game.

5. Wisconsin - wisky beat wofford just like they should have, and will have their hands full with a desperate michigan state team this weekend in madison. thats going to be a tough one to pick. wagg will probably take wisky and i will probably take sparty. also, doesnt it seem like the badgers play at home every single weekend? as a buckeye fan i have no reason to bitch about it, im just sayin'...

6. Michigan State - probably a bit high for a team standing at 1-2 overall, but i think sparty beats the teams below on the list more times than they lose. there arent many fans of the green and white that imagined this season starting out with losses in two of the first three games. its gut-check time for mark dantonios squad. we will see exactly what they are made of on saturday in madison, wisconsin.

7. Minnesota - minnesota actually impressed me in their game against cal this weekend. i saw eric decker hurt his ankle late in the 4th quarter, and if they lose him for any extended period of time they are in serious trouble.

7. Northwestern - losing to syracuse = not good. not good at all. we dont really know much about the nerds just yet, other than they barely beat eastern michigan and blew out a 1-AA team. making a bowl game is probably best case scenario.

9. Illinois - illinois is coming out of an off-week, and they will need to draw on all of that extra energy these next few weeks - vs ohio state, penn state, and michigan state. juice williams has given the buckeyes fits in the past, specifically their last trip to columbus back in 2007 which resulted in an illini victory on senior day in the horseshoe. during my birthday weekend. the nerve.

9. Purdue - i really thought purdue was a team about to turn the corner, but the home loss to northern illinois shows us exactly how shitty the football in the hoosier state has become. they have notre dame this weekend, which will almost certainly be a loss.

11. Indiana - sure, indiana is 3-0 - so what? who have you beat? townson, akron, and prairie view middle school for the girls? you want to move up the power rankings? give michigan all they can handle this weekend. until then, you will remain in the basement where you belong.

Big Ten Score Predictions...

it has almost been one entire week since the heartbreaker at the 'shoe, and even though we got screwed on a phantom touchdown call, well, its time to move on.

with cal and arizona in big ten country and sparty making the trip to south bend, there is a chance that this could be a very good week for the conference. as usual, penn state is adding absolutely nothing with their putrid OOC schedule.

lets get this bad boy going...

Saturday, September 19th

Temple at (5) Penn State
(12:00pm - Big Ten Network)
PSU -30
the state college of pennsylvania will take on temple on saturday in a matchup that will surely leaving people asking for more. poison. so they can kill themselves. penn state leads the all-time series 22-2

Wagg says: Penn State 41-3
Morgan says: Penn State 35-14

(8) California at Minnesota
(12:00pm - ESPN)
CAL -14
TCF bank stadium will see its first ranked opponent on saturday, courtesy of the mighty pac-10 conference. cal is a program on the rise, and will be looking to make a statement on national television, while minnesota head coach tim brewster will no doubt be too busy thinking about his over-the-top positive twitter updates he will be making after the loss to keep this contest competitive. cal leads the all-time series 3-2

Wagg says: Cal 34-17
Morgan says: Cal 35-13

Eastern Michigan at (25) Michigan
(12:00pm - Big Ten Network)
UM -24
MICHIAGN IS BACK! DID YOU HEAR ABOUT MICHIGAN BEING BACK?! BECAUSE MICHIGAN IS BACK! DO YOU WANT TO KNOW A SECRET? MICHIGAN IS BACK! OMGDICKROD!!!!!!!111!!11 michigan leads the all-time series 8-0

Wagg says: Michigan 34-9
Morgan says: Michigan 38-13

Wofford at Wisconsin
(12:00pm - Big Ten Network)
WISKY -20
wisconsin is really pulling out all the stops with their OOC schedule this year, huh? i dont even know how there is a line on this game. these kind of matchups make me physically ill.

Wagg says: Wisconsin 31-7
Morgan says: Wisconsin 27-0

Northern Illinois at Purdue
(12:00pm - Big Ten Network)
PUR -12
raise your hand if you had any idea purdue was going to be a competitive team this year. now keep them raised, as i am going to mow you down with a hunting rifle. lying is not allowed here at team secret falcon.

Wagg says: Purdue 21-20
Morgan says: Purdue 28-14

Michigan State at Notre Dame
(3:30pm - NBC)
ND -10
nice! the game of the week in the big ten! cant wait for this one - michigan state has taken 9 out of the last 12 games in the series, and seems to have notre dames number. whatever that means. its a big game for both teams, as the loser faces starting out 1-2 in a season that had lofty expectations, while the winner moves to 2-1 and has bragging rights for a whole year within the rivalry. i desperately want to see sparty plant the big green S flag at midfield again, though you have to believe that dantonio wouldnt let something like that happen. even if it were a big win. notre dame leads the all-time series 39-26-1

Wagg says: Michigan State 28-24
Morgan says: Notre Dame 27-21

Indiana at Akron
(3:30pm - ESPNU)
AKR -4.5
question: who is the only big ten team that could be convinced to go on the road to play a MAC school and actually not be favored to win? answer: indiana. the hoosiers lead the all-time series 1-0

Wagg says: Akron 24-17
Morgan says: Akron 24-21

Arizona at Iowa
(3:35pm - ABC)
IOWA -4
another pac-10 school comes into a big ten stadium, as the country tries to figure out just who in the hell iowa really is. are they the team that needed a blocked FG to escape northern iowa at home, or are they the squad that went on the road to iowa state and punched the cyclones directly in the mouth for 4 quarters? arizona leads the all-time series 6-5

Wagg says: Arizona 31-13
Morgan says: Iowa 21-17

Northwestern at Syracuse
(7:30pm - GAMEPLAN)
NW -3
syracuse takes on their third team from the big ten in as many weeks after losing the first two to minnesota and penn state. northwestern has looked decent in wins over townson and eastern michigan, but it remains to be seen if they can flirt with consistency over an entire season. the all-time series is tied up at four wins a piece.

Wagg says: Northwestern 24-20
Morgan says: Northwestern 27-21

(11) Ohio State at Toledo (Cleveland, OH)
(12:00pm - GAMEPLAN)
OSU -20.5
the bucks look to get back on the right track after the disgusting come-from-ahead loss at the hands of the trojans last week in columbus. what better place to do so than.........ummm, cleveland. gross. if you read into jim tressels comments this week in the wake of the USC disaster, you discover that he is probably a little more pissed off about the loss than the rest of us are. so, yeah, toledo? you might be in a little bit of trouble. then again, these are the ohio state buckeyes we are talking about. we could line up again the helen keller school for the blind and walk away with a 10 point victory. a win is a win. the punt is the most important play in football. whatever. ohio state leads the all-time series 1-0

Wagg says: Ohio State 31-13
Morgan says: Ohio State 27-9

go bucks.

Tremont Goodie Shop...

* i cant help but notice that facebook demands that i become a fan of the tremont goodie shop, the very week after if goes out of business. and why, you ask, does facebook demand this? because about a million of my friends became fans of the little-business-that-couldnt ten seconds after it closed up shop for good.

as if i needed another reason to hate white people.

its the very same reason i lambasted people for being all crazy about tim russert after he passed away, and the very same reason all of this ted kennedy attention makes me want to throw a human baby through a plate glass window.

why cant you just be a fan of something before it dies? if all of you dolts out there who claim to be such intense supporters of the tremont goodie shop went there once a month to buy cookies, they probably would still be in business today. it reminds me of the asshats from cleveland who bitched and moaned about the browns leaving town even though they refused to buy tickets to see them play. "but morgan you dont understand - the stadium was terrible and we hated our owner!" so what - get over it. you think steeler fans would stop buying tickets to see their team play if heinz field was a piece of shit and the rooney family routinely sacrificed live infant animals on troy palamalus chest before every game? hell no they wouldnt.

they may be backwards, idiot, mullet-wearing, stinky, drunken rednecks - but at least they are loyal.

so no, facebook, i will not become a fan of the tremont goodie shop. forgive me if that makes me less of a pretentious white asshole.

* i dont know if you knew, so if you didnt know, im going to tell you so that you know and the next time i ask you if you knew, you can say "i know, and you know that i knew".

team secret radio is officially on itunes! hurray! fantastic! OMGBARACK!!11!1!

if you wanna get down, here is how you go about it...

open itunes
go to the itune store
search for "team secret radio"
listen to it with your ears
love it with your heart

this is a fairly significant step, as it allows you to listen to the entire podcast without spending an hour and half waiting for it to download. also, if you so choose, you can download it and put it on your ipod or generic mp3 playing device. see how i am always giving you options?

so if you didnt know, now you know. and knowing is half the battle.

* team secret falcon softball had another successful outing last night, splitting a double-header against the worst team in the league. we are now 6-2 overall, and are firmly entrenched in at least second place - possibly even tied for first. i dont know what happened to the 4-0 team after we left.

joy-joy times were had by all, except yours truly who was somewhat stressed out over FOUR people cancelling and not even remotely trying to find themselves replacements - i spent a great majority of the day scraping the bottom of the barrel of facebook friends and old cell phone contacts trying to get people to play. because thats fun.

the best part about calling, texting, and emailing people is that a majority have absolutely no want or need to reply to your inquiry, and they choose to ignore you instead of simply replying with "i cant." and i dont blame you - heaven forbid you go out of your way for anyone other than yourself, and for any other reason aside from something that will directly benefit you immediately in the short term.

and dont give me this shit about not having your phone on you or that you didnt see the message. its not 1996. cell phones dont come in bags anymore. you have them on your person at all times, and even when you are asleep they are a maximum of three feet away from you. add in the fact that i am down over a hundred dollars for this one season alone due to non-payments, and i was one pissed off dude yesterday.

but i am better today. el vaquero for dinner will calm even the most spastic of dudes.

i just pray that they never go out of business.

i wouldnt be able to take all of the senseless facebook fan pages.

Who Is My Best Friend Part Deux...

OMGPATRICKSWAYZE!!11!1!!

okay, i have contractually filled my white person obligation to mention the death of patrick swayze in at least one internet forum. team secret falcon is officially and excitedly moving on.

back in march, i invented a specific, mathematical, and completely accurate way to tell who is my best friend and who is my worst enemy. this came in handy, as i knew i had to attend ian and alisons wedding in may, and i was almost positive i hated most of the people that would be there. but i didnt know which people i hated.

enter the facebook best friend formula - and boom! - it all became exceptionally clear. this is why i pushed monkey down a flight of stairs and why i poured butane on ashley and lit her on fire. because the formula told me to do so. and you cant argue with science.

the premise is rather simple. make a list of people who you are somewhat sure that you either really like or really hate. one by one, go to their facebook profiles. divide the number of total friends they have by the number of friends you have in common, and make a running list of the percentages. your best friend will have the highest number, and your worst enemy the lowest.

its been six months, so lets revisit my best friend list to see who i should be leaving all of my larry bird cards to when i die in a freak gasoline fight accident. i have broken down the challengers into nine distinct groups. and as always, the names of the innocent have been slightly altered to protect them from google searches by bosses and overlords looking for reasons to can their sorry asses for being mentioned on a blog that routinely gives the thumbs-up to pushing new born puppies in the path of oncoming COTA buses.

GET OUT OF MY LIFE FOREVER

Nick Long 2%
Bethany Gala 3%
Mike Steel 4%
Mark Williamson 5%
Austin Kole 6%
Shawn Cashman 7%
Brandon Kirby 7%
Monkey Schoch
Alissa Ohtani 9%
Ashley Wheed 9%

meeting anyone in this group was likely the worst decision of your entire life. they were raised by idiot parents, and their ability to grow decent-looking facial hair causes fits of rage and jealousy on a nightly basis. they are socially inept, developmentally challenged, and probably start sentences with the words "now this may sound racist, but just hear me out" when they are with their friends at their ridiculous dinner parties in the short north / german village. dont trust them to take care of your dog when you are out of town.

SMILE AND NOD

Chris Berg 16%
Chris Crouse 19%
Brandon Pargeon 19%

yeah, youll see them at the 7-11 on the corner of 10th and high every now and again. and yeah, youll probably smile and nod to them when crossing paths on your way to the ultra secret bathroom in the back room that nobody knows exists. but you arent going to like it. how about this - why dont we just delete eachothers numbers from our cell phones and pretend that drunken night in cancun never happened. thanks.

OH HEY, HOW HAVE YOU BEEN?

David Phrench 23%
Laurie Stewart 24%
Brian Ziggler 27%
Paige Kydoch 29%

i dont think you understand the fact that i come here, to arthur treachers, specifically because i think i wont see people like you. all of this small-talk and fake smiling is taking time away from me eating delicious deep fried fish and potatoes. if there is any possible way that we can speed this meeting along without me seeing pictures of your children, just tell me and i will do it. money? is it money that you want? because i will give you money.

REMEMBER THAT ONE TIME?!?!?

Sean Ryan 31%
Brian Pubeack 31%
Sonja Yewlehn 33%
Christine Hughes 34%
Steve Colson 34%
Megan Clarie 38%
Ashley Staddlemen 38%

ahhhh, seeing these people at the pointe tavern when you are wasted in the BEST! remember that one time when we did that one thing after drinking too many adult boones farm beverages and that outcome happened that was completely unpredictable and unlikely but it happened anyway and we were like NO WAAAAAAAY! i dont know your last name.

YOU FEEL LIKE A MAN I COULD TRUST

Kristin Bhernon 40%
Josh Cramer 41%
Corey Whisemann 41%
Sam Soterlades 42%
Lindsay Cowbreath 42%
Alison Skhidmore 43%
Teejay Whiseman 44%
Rochelle Sprangstein 46%
Peter Sevendson 49%

when you are at their house and its cold outside, you feel completely comfortable asking to borrow a sweater. you find it nice that the warm fabric carries the faint scent of their perfume / cologne. you feel like maybe, given the chance, they could be someone you could learn to love. also, you are very drunk.

I HAVE NO ISSUES SLEEPING IN YOUR BED

Rob Wheetun 50%
Kathleen Turner 52%
Shane Ohlsen 52%
Phil Miller 53%

yeah, no issues sleeping in the same bed with you whatsoever. as a matter of fact, i would feel much more comfortable if we were watching a movie featuring reece witherspoon, eating small cheese cubes, and giggling. at various points in the movie its probably a good idea to give eachother high fives after screaming in unison "oh no she didnt!" or "good for her!" or "you go girl!"

I CHOOSE YOU OVER MY GIRLFRIEND

John Snowball 55%
Ali Anderson 55%
Ian Maunte 59%

given the choice between driving my girlfriend home from out-r-inn when she said she was sick and needed to leave and ignoring her to drink more alcoholic cider with you, well, its not really a choice at all. she can find her own way home. these long island iced teas arent going to drink themselves. and that twenty-two year old over there seems like she has some daddy issues to work out, and i feel like i probably need to be there for her. because i am a good person.

IF YOU WERE STUNG BY A BEE I WOULD PEE ON YOU

Bill Wagg 63%
Bandi Caimbridge 69%

thats what you do when a bee stings you, right? you either pee on it or you get someone you are really close with to pee on it? i think it has something to do with science, but im pretty sure not a lot of people know about it. like, at church a couple weeks ago, some old lady in the parking lot was stung by a bee, so started peeing on her and she got all upset and what not. its like, im trying to do you a favor and take away your pain. not a lot of people know this, but im pretty sure thats how the crocodile hunter died. he got stung by a bee directly in the chest and there was no one around to urinate on him. its sad that people are so close-minded.

MY NEW SUPER MAGICAL BEST FRIEND!!!!!!!

Alex Lantis 76%

this is a man that i would do almost anything for. climb a mountain, kill a spider, fight a dinosaur. and i think fighting a dinosaur is pretty much the most hardass thing any man can do for another man. here is a guy that willingly removed the padding from his helmet during high school football and replaced it with skittles and various other delicious candy so that he wouldnt go hungry on the sidelines during the game. thats a serious commitment to sustenance right there. do you really need another reason why he is paris hiltons, i mean morgan hughes' new bff?

Weekend Recap...

i am going to spare you the usual in-depth look at every big ten game, and instead just give you our prediction results and overall records. i think its best for all of us that we quickly forget this weekend ever happened.

THIS WEEK

Wagg Predictions: 8-3
Wagg Against-The-Spread: 6-5

Morgan Predictions: 7-4
Morgan Against-The-Spread: 4-7

FOR THE SEASON

Wagg Predictions: 17-5
Morgan Predictions: 17-5

Wagg Against-The-Spread: 5-13
Morgan Against-The-Spread: 4-14

Big Ten Power Rankings - i almost dont want to do the rankings this week. no, not almost. i definitely dont want to do them this week. with penn state not covering against syracuse at home, the buckeyes losing a game they should have won by twenty, sparty laying an egg against a MAC team at home, wisky barely eeking by fresno state, and michigan actually looking like a real football team again, well, its just not a good weekend to be me.

1. Penn State
2. Iowa
3. Ohio State
4. Wisconsin
4. Michigan
6. Michigan State
7. Northwestern
8. Illinois
9. Minnesota
10. Purdue
11. Indiana

again i will choose not to go in-depth, as writing takes time away from all of the curling-up-in-a-corner-and-dying ive been doing since saturday night.

i will say this - did saturday surprise any buckeye fans? well, it shouldnt have. this is the incarnation of ohio state football that we are currently living with. a team that snatches defeat from the hands of victory. a team that finds new and inventive ways to build up your hopes only to crush them time and time again.

our once-in-a-lifetime quarterback looked below average. our just-do-barely-enough-to-win coach looked pedestrian. we were outplayed, outcoached, outclassed, and our gameplan looked like it came directly from the outhouse.

what else is new.

the common theme of what little conversation i heard while walking away from the shoe on saturday night was "well at least we didnt get blown-out."

fantastic. this is the fanbase we have become. these are now our grandest of expectations. to not lose by too much.

go buckeyes.

Big Ten Score Predictions...

its friday, which means three things.

1. this weeks game-of-the-century is only one day away
2. OMG9/11!!!!!!!!
3. its time to pick some big ten games, bitch

lets see what everyones least favorite college football conference has to offer us this week, shall we?

Saturday Spetember 12th, 2009

Syracuse at (7) Penn State (Noon - Big Ten Network) Penn State -29 - a week after getting beat at home by minnesota, greg paulas and the orange must go on the road to take their beating from another big ten team. this time its penn state, and its going to be a lot uglier than their OT disappointment against the gophers. again, i must reiterate how pathetic penn states OOC schedule is. this is their biggest test outside of the big ten this season. disgusting. penn state leads the all-time series 41-23-5.

Wagg says: Penn State 45-13

Morgan says: Penn State 38-10

Eastern Michiagn at Northwestern (Noon - Big Ten Network) Northwestern -20 - okay, so you beat townson - but how will you do against a real football powerhouse like eastern mich........oh wait. northwestern leads the all-time series 2-0

Wagg says: Nerds 42-17

Morgan says: Nerds 31-13

Western Michigan at Indiana (Noon - Big Ten Network) Indiana -1.5 - for my money, this is the hardest game of the week to pick. if both of these teams were kids on a playground, even the teachers wouldnt stop you from telling them that they "suck balls" and giving them indian burns until their overweight and unemployed mothers had to come pick them up early for the day. the only question is, which team sucks less? the hoosiers lead the all-time series 4-0.

Wagg says: Indiana 28-24

Morgan says: Western Michigan 17-14

Central Michigan at Michigan State (Noon - ESPN2) Michigan State -14.5 - now that we have all of the directional michigan schools locked up in big ten conference stadiums for the weekend, the state of wisconsin can officially form a militia and conquer the upper peninsula. victory for the badger state! oh, and little brother is for real. sparty leads the all-time series 4-2.

Wagg says: Michigan State 31-28

Morgan says: Michigan State 30-17

Fresno State at Wisconsin (Noon - ESPN) Wisconsin -8.5 - lead pipe lock of the weekend! wisconsin covers and wins big! i am buying into bucky after only one game! i must be smoking something! wisky leads the all-time series 2-1.

Wagg says: Wisky 24-17

Morgan says: Wisky 28-14

Iowa at Iowa State (12:05pm - FOX Regional) Iowa -6 - hurray, its the big 12 vs the big 10. hurray. the excitement on this side of the keyboard is threatening to consume everything in my office. hurray. the hawkeyes lead the all-time series 35-16.

Wagg says: Iowa 24-21

Morgan says: Iowa State 17-14

(18) Notre Dame at Michigan (3:30pm - ABC) Notre Dame -3 - in the upset of the young college football season, both notre dame and michigan come into this clash undefeated. you figured cheeseburger charlie and dickrod would have found ways to lose both of their opening games of the season, right? sadly, i am actually pretty excited for this game. the wolverweenies lead the all-time series 17-15-1

Wagg says: Notre Dame 28-14

Morgan says: Notre Dame 23-17

Air Force at Minnesota (7:00pm - Big Ten Network) Minnesota -3 - raise your hand if you give two small, round, pebble-like pieces of poo about this clash of college football titans. oh wait, minny is opening their new on-campus stadium, so thats pretty exciting. looks like its going to be a hella nice place, you guys. this is the first meeting between the air force and the gophers.

Wagg says: Minny 28-17

Morgan says: Minny 21-14

Illinois State at Illinois (7:00pm - Big Ten Network) Illinois -29.5 - i know that illinois should win this game, but at this point do you really have enough confidence in the illini to spot them thirty points to anyone? yeah, me neither.

Wagg says: Illinois 31-3

Morgan says: Illinois 37-17

Purdue at Oregon (10:15pm - FOX Regional) Oregon -12 - its a battle of two teams who looked nothing like we thought they would in week one. purdue throttled toledo and put up some insane numbers on the ground, while orgeon looked like complete crap and couldnt move the ball if their lives depended on it against boise state on the smurf turf. the all-time series is tied at one win a piece.

Wagg says: Oregon 38-14

Morgan says: Oregon 30-17

(3) USC at (8) Ohio State (8:00pm - ESPN) USC -7 - what else can anyone say about this game? its put-up or shut-up time for the buckeyes. lose this game and it sets your program back even further in the eyes of the college football nation. yours truly will be on hand, so look for me and my boyfriend rob wheaton on TV. omghimom!!!!!!! USC leads the all-time series 12-9-1

Wagg says: Ohio State 31-24

Morgan says: USC 27-19

GO BUCKS.

MICHIGAN SUCKS.

F-ING HILARIOUS...

actual blog to follow shortly, but i thought this was too hysterical to not pass along immediately and devote an entire blog entry to its awesomeness...

Can We Talk?

i got a fun comment on an old blog entry titled men who wear tight jeans over the weekend, and i wanted to share it with you. in this specific entry, i made fun of guys who wear those insanely snug wraps of denim, and called into question their motives and intelligence.

apparently someone took great offense and in turn called MY intelligence into question. the nerve! anonymous has the following to say...

To "everyone"
There is obviously a lot of things you don't understand.
You scare me with your attitude, and maybe YOU are an idiot.

well, anonymous - thanks for your input. i appreciate your following of team secret falcon. we really dont get enough emo punk-ass douchebag asshat loserfaces around these parts, and its good to know that you got yourself out of surly girl long enough to see some daylight and read some blogs. you are right, though - there are a lot of things i dont know, and a many things i dont understand.

i dont understand how no one in my family is allergic to anything, but i have to get injections to allow my body ten seconds a day of non-sneezing time in order to inhale a few short gasps of oxygen. i dont know why my cat licks her butt when she has dingleberries - its like eating poop, and i just cant get on board with that. i dont see how pointing out the fact that every persian i see at the mall at tuttle crossing just happens to be wearing sixteen pounds of cologne makes me a racist. i dont understand how my roommate can leave the cup-scrubbing-sponge in the middle of the sink and then get upset when something that i rinse touches it - its a sink, things go into it, its how nature works. i cannot comprehend why left-wing liberal nutjobs get a massive political boner when OMGBARACK!11!! says something as passive as "stay in school, kiddos" and i cannot fathom why right-wing conservative zealots get so upset over the same message.

but one thing i do comprehend, appreciate, understand, and recognize is this - if you are a man, and you wear those awful looking, penis compressing, testicle constricting, fugly-ass tight to your nutsack "jeans", you are a weinerface of the highest degree. please do us all a favor and go live with all of the other d-bag lunatic spotty-lipped lowlife urine-drinkers in new jersey or socal.

thanks.

Team Secret Radio...

episode number two has been edited and is officially up on the world wide internets. click the "team secret radio" link on the right side of the page to listen. you know you want to.

see you tonight! in your room! when im watching you while you are asleep!

no, seriously.

Weekend Recap...

week one of the college football season is in the books, kiddos. time to see how all eleven teams did and how morgan / wagg looked on our predictions and against the spread...

Eastern Kentucky at Indiana (NO LINE)
Wagg said: Indiana 24-14
Morgan said: Indiana 1-0
Actual score: Indiana 19-13
MORGAN AND WAGG PREDICTION VICTORY!

Akron at Penn State (PSU +27)
Wagg said: Penn State 56-14
Morgan said: Penn State 49-9
Actual score: Penn State 31-7
MORGAN AND WAGG PREDICTION VICTORY!
MORGAN AND WAGG AGAINST THE SPREAD FAIL.

Townson at Northwestern (NO LINE)
Wagg said: Northwestern 35-7
Morgan said: Northwestern 1-0
Actual score: Northwestern 47-14
MORGAN AND WAGG PREDICTION VICTORY!

Montana State at Michigan State (NO LINE)
Wagg said: Michigan State 49-3
Morgan said: Michigan State 44-0
Actual score: Michigan State 44-3
MORGAN AND WAGG PREDICTION VICTORY!

Minnesota at Syracuse (Minnesota +6.5)
Wagg said: Minnesota 38-10
Morgan said: Minnesota 26-17
Actual score: Minnesota 23-20
MORGAN AND WAGG PREDICTION VICTORY!
MORGAN AND WAGG AGAINST THE SPREAD FAIL.

Toledo at Purdue (Purdue +10.5)
Wagg said: Toledo 21-17
Morgan said: Purdue 23-13
Actual score: Purdue 52-31
MORGAN PREDICTION VICTORY!
WAGG PREDICTION FAIL.
MORGAN AND WAGG AGAINST THE SPREAD FAIL.

Northern Iowa at Iowa (NO LINE)
Wagg said: Iowa 34-10
Morgan said: Iowa 42-6
Actual score: Iowa 17-16
MORGAN AND WAGG PREDICTION VICTORY!

Western Michigan at Michigan (Michigan +12.5)
Wagg said: Michigan 24-20
Morgan said: Michigan 34-13
Actual score: Michigan 31-7
MORGAN AND WAGG PREDICTION VICTORY!
MORGAN AGAINST THE SPREAD VICTORY!
WAGG AGAINST THE SPREAD FAIL.

Missouri at Illinois (Illinois +6.5)
Wagg said: Illinois 31-21
Morgan said: Illinois 38-31
Actual score: Missouri 37-9
MORGAN AND WAGG PREDICTION FAIL.
MORGAN AND WAGG AGAINST THE SPREAD FAIL.

Northern Illinois at Wisconsin (Wisconsin +16.5)
Wagg said: Wisconsin 42-10
Morgan said: Wisconsin 34-17
Actual score: Wisconsin 28-20
MORGAN AND WAGG PREDICTION VICTORY!
MORGAN AND WAGG AGAINST THE SPREAD FAIL.

Navy at Ohio State (Ohio State +21.5)
Wagg said: Ohio State 31-7
Morgan said: Ohio State 38-13
Actual score: Ohio State 31-27
MORGAN AND WAGG PREDICTION VICTORY!
MORGAN AND WAGG AGAINST THE SPREAD FAIL.

AFTER WEEK 1 - PREDICTIONS:
Morgan: 10-1
Wagg: 9-2

AFTER WEEK 1 - AGAINST THE SPREAD:
Morgan: 1-6
Wagg: 0-7

so what can be said after the huge embarrassment failure that was our predictions against the spread this past week? well, the big ten picked up some important wins, but didnt look as great in doing so as we thought they would. granted, a few of the close games were all but over when the winning team stopped trying late in the contest (ohio state, wisconsin, etc) - but still, no excuse for that pitiful showing out of yours truly. ill be better next week, baby. i promise.

Big Ten Power Rankings - Spetember 8th, 2009

1. Penn State - umm, yeah. the mighty nittany lions dominated the football powerhouse that is the akron zips. woo-hoo. being in the top spot has more to do with how the bucks handled navy than anything i saw out of penn state.

2. Ohio State - i know this is asking a lot from the millions of suicidal buckeye fans, but try to forget the poor defensive showing against the midshipmen on saturday. how they played against a triple option offense has little to no bearing on how they will play against a talented and conventional USC offense this weekend. yes, navy could have tied it up with a 2 pt conversion late in the 4th quarter, but the game should have been over midway through the 3rd. i dont think the bucks are concerned with it, so neither am i.

2. Michigan State - yeah, it was against montana state, but sparty doesnt seem to have lost too much in their transition from brian hoyer to kirk cousins. as a matter of fact, the passing game might be better. scary.

4. Wisconsin - dont be fooled by the final score - wisky dominated the game. the D slipped up a little bit in the 4th quarter, but whatever. im not concerned. this might be the team we were hearing so much about going into last season...

5. Michigan - did any team in the conference look more impressive than michigan? and i called it - i said the maize and blew had something to prove again the broncos. solid win for dick rod. big game this weekend at home against notre dame. cant wait.

5. Iowa - far be it for me as a buckeye fan to scold another team for struggling with an inferior opponent, but DAMN IOWA. come on! another close call like that and youll begin to slip down the power ranking depth chart...

5. Northwestern - tough to take a lot away from the ass-whooping that the nerds laid on townson, other than they played a far inferior team and crushed them exactly as they should have. kafka looked comfortable at QB, and the mildcats seem to be a team you might not want to catch later in the season.

8. Illinois - so much for my sleeper pick for the season. illinois looked like crap against a middle-of-the-road missouri squad. juice williams - will you ever live up to the hype?

8. Minnesota - congrats on barely beating a team in overtime that has greg paulas at quarterback. there were intramural teams at duke that accomplished this same feat on a weekly basis.

10. Purdue - some sophomore for the boilers by the name of ralph bolden put up 234 yards on the ground against the rockets, leaving big tean fans across the country wondering a) who in the hell is ralph bolden and b) are there really black people out there named ralph??????

11. Indiana - congrats go out to IU for slipping by eastern kentucky. sadly enough, this is actually a rather huge moment in the craptacular history of their football program.

IN CONCLUSION...

did we learn anything about the big ten that we didnt know heading into the season? penn state looked good, as did wisky and sparty. the buckeyes struggled with a team they shouldnt have struggled with. tate (calista) forcier looked promising. the nerds seemed okay. iowa was meh.

thoughts?

Big Ten Score Predictions...

...its thats time again.

time for me to wow you with my score predictions for each of the games being played this weekend involving big ten teams. i know i know, youve missed this. as have i.

this year not only will i predict the outcomes of the game, but i will keep track of how i am doing against the spread - and against the wagg. thats right, william "big donkey" wagg will be sending me his thoughts on the slate of games each week, and i will keep track of how we are doing head-to-head. its just like playing one-on-one in his driveway when we were kids, only there are no rufus burgers to be consumer afterwards.

...or are there?

Saturday September 5h, 2009

Eastern Kentucky at Indiana (8pm - Big Ten Network) NO LINE - okay so this game isnt really being played on saturday - its being played tonight. but who cares, its indiana. and its football. getting excited for college football in indiana is like getting excited for deep sea fishing in west virginia. the two dont really go together. this is the first meeting between the two schools.

Wagg says: Indiana 24 Eastern Kentucky 14

Morgan says: Indiana 1 Eastern Kentucky 0

Akron at (9) Penn State (Noon - BTN) Penn State +27 - props have to go out to the nittany lions for scheduling such a brutal non-conference slate. its sad when akron is your best OOC game of the season, and thats pretty much all i have to say about this game. penn state leads the all-time series 3-0.

Wagg says: Penn State 56 Akron 14

Morgan says: Penn State 49 Akron 9

Townson at Northwestern (Noon - BTN) NO LINE - whatever. teams like NW, IU,and purdue have to schedule these types of teams in order to make somewhat of an effort to become bowl eligible. still, that doesnt mean i have to like it. this is the first meeting between the two schools.

Wagg says: Northwestern 35 Townson 7

Morgan says: Northwestern 38 Townson 10

Montana State at Michigan State (Noon - BTN) NO LINE - hate hate hate hate hate this game. why is michigan state playing montana state again? probably the same reason ohio state recently played youngstown state and michigan played appalachian state. excpet, ooops, michigan lost to appalachian state. so, yeah, nevermind. this is the first meeting between the two schools.

Wagg says: Michigan State 49 Montana State 3

Morgan says: Michigan State 44 Montana State 0

Minnesota at Syracuse (Noon - ESPN2) Minnesota +6.5 - i like it! minnesota may not be gods gift to big ten football, and syracuse may suck all sorts of ass - but its two BCS conference teams going at each other! plus, greg paulas at quarterback for the orange! you gotta think that minny comes out of this game with a W, right? ....right? the all-time series between the two teams is tied at one win each.

Wagg says: Minnesota 38 Syracuse 10

Morgan says: Minnesota 26 Syracuse 17

Toledo at Purdue (Noon - You pretty much have to be at the stadium to actually see this game with your eyeballs) Purdue +10.5 - as bad as purdue will be this year, you dont think that they could lose at home to a low level MAC program, right? i know you probably havent forgotten, but toledo did stroll into the big house last year and left with a W against the wolverweenies, so they have a recent history of playing well at big ten sites. the all-time series is shockingly tied up at two wins a piece, wow. purdue blows, eh?

Wagg says: Toledo 21 Purdue 17

Morgan says: Purdue 23 Toledo 13

Northern Iowa at (22) Iowa (12:05pm - Not on TV for a good reason) NO LINE - i am quite interested to see how iowa plays with actual expectations this season, though this game should give us absolutely no tangible evidence of how talented they really are as a football team. OMGKIRKFERENTZNFL!!!11!1!

Wagg says: Iowa 34 Northern Iowa 10

Morgan says: Iowa 42 Northern Iowa 6

Western Michigan at Michigan (3:30pm - ABC) Michiagn +12.5 - can the maize and blew come out of the gates looking like an actual football team, or will they suffer their third opening game out of conference loss in a row? i would normally say that this is going to be a close game, but i think dick rod has something to prove this week after crying on national television over alleged NCAA infractions while in ann arbor. color me optimistic. michigan leads the all-time series 2-0.

Wagg says: Michigan 24 Western Michigan 20

Morgan says: Michigan 34 Western Michigan 13

Missouri at Illinois (3:40pm - ESPN) Illinois +6.5 - hell yes! this is the kind of game i love in the opening weekend of the season. rivalry, big 12 vs big ten, put up or shut up game. i think illinois has a tremendous opportunity to come out of the gates and make a big statement this week, and i think they say to-hell-with-last-season and make a big impression on national TV. missouri leads the all-time series 15-7, and illinois has not picked up a win in the series since 1994.

Wagg says: Illinois 31 Missouri 21

Morgan says: Illinois 38 Missouri 31

Northern Illinois at Wisconsin (7:00pm - BTN) Wisconsin +16.5 - first, the matchup is kind of blah, but whatever. but more importantly, WHY IN THE HELL IS WISCONSIN PLAYING NORTHERN ILLINOIS AT NIGHT? is this what the badger program is coming to? what would happen if the buckeyes played bowling green at night in the shoe? people would have a heart attack. come on, wisky - this is the big ten. you dont need to play night games to draw attention to yourself. leave that to the ACC. wisconsin leads the all-time series 10-1.

Wagg says: Wisconsin 42 Northern Illinois 10

Morgan says: Wisconsin 34 Northern Illinois 17

Navy at (6) Ohio State (Noon - ESPN) Ohio State +21.5 - ahhhhh, yes. buckeye football is finally back, kiddos - and not a moment too soon. the midshipmen bring their dangerous triple option offense into ohio stadium as they try to go four entire quarters without anyone dying at the hands of BEAST MODE aka thaddeus gibson. the forecast for such an outcome does not look good. ohio state leads the all-time series 3-0.

Wagg says: Ohio State 31 Navy 7

Morgan says: Ohio State 38 Navy 13

TUNE IN ON MONDAY TO SEE THE RESULTS.

ALSO, GO BUCKS.

ALSO, OOOPS I CRAPPED MY PANTS.

Team Secret Radio...

we have five desks in our main office area. this morning i arrived at work and found only four. someone has stolen a desk, and my urgency for revenge has never been greater. but thats another story all together.

you may have noticed the new, umm, blog box thingy on the right side of the page. it says "team secret radio" and you can click on a state of the art link that says "all episodes". team secret radio is the long-talked-about podcast from barndo and myself, and barndo just posted our first episode.

i ask for your understanding and patience during the first few installments as we get our feet wet and try to figure out how to better our product. and please dont think we will ever be taking this seriously - its just a way for us to sit around, drink a couple beers, and talk about things that are awesome / things that make us mad / things that make us go hmmmmm.

topics covered this week...

* ohio state football
* tailgating
* loose stool inducing eggplant parm
* a phone call from derek
* jewish weddings
* barndo being a drunk-ass
* pole-offs
* how i like womens legs
* the bill wagg show
* mike the real deal steele

big ten football picks to follow on the blog later today.

Experiment...

sometimes when you are faced with great adversity, you suddenly become the best possible version of yourself - strong, confident, and willing to take chances that you would otherwise dismiss as crazy or dangerous. i was faced with this type of situation this morning, and i feel as if i elevated myself to a level with which normal human beings are unfamiliar.

every day i eat the same thing for lunch - pb&j on whole wheat, one fuji apple, one serving of string cheese, and one 6 oz container of dannon yogurt. i like to buy the wide loaf of wheat bread from the grocery, as the store brand bread is too thin and i consume it too quickly. thats what she said.

somehow, there was only one piece of wheat bread left in the package this morning. i was confused, as i always have enough slices to make sandwiches - someone must have been screwing with me. testing me. waiting to see what i would do.

i'll play your game, you rouge.

looking around the kitchen, i noticed a quarter loaf of pumpernickel sitting on top of the microwave. i also noticed that i was in danger of running late for work if i didnt make a decision quickly. seizing the chance to do something great, i sliced myself a fat piece of that pumpernickel, finished the sandwich, and was out the door with mere seconds to spare.

as i sit here typing this blog entry and chewing on my new concoction, i want to assure you that it tastes wonderful. its like a combination of happiness and cocaine, mixed with high fives and baby laughter.

do yourself a solid and make one tonight.

Randomized Thoughts and Feelings...

* i think its important that people keep a list of certain persons they would physically harm if it were your last day on earth and you had the power of invisibility. i know thats a fairly violent way to start a blog entry, but the message is somewhat critical.

the question remains - if you had the power of invisibility and you knew you were going to die at the stroke of midnight, who would you physically harm?

* as of today, the weather forecast for saturdays game against navy is looking like sunshine and 78 degrees. i am moderately certain that last seasons opening game against youngstown state featured temperatures in the upper 90s, which resulted in a feeble day-long attempt by yours truly to hydrate myself using a hypodermic needle and pure grain alcohol. the results were not good. i ended up getting lost on foot in a city i have lived in for the better part of twenty-three years.

* i read on google news today that the duggar family, who star on their TLC reality show "17 kids, err wait i mean 18 kids and counting" have officially announced that they are happily expecting baby number NINETEEN in mid-march. i am also happy to announce that i have brought in a very special guest to comment on this turn of events on behalf of team secret falcon...

MICHELLE DUGGAR, ITS ME - YOUR VAGINA. WE NEED TO SIT DOWN AND HAVE A CHAT REAL QUICK. FIRST, I WOULD LIKE TO DISCUSS THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN A WOMANS VA-JAY-JAY AND A SMALL MOVIE THEATRE. ONE IS CAPABLE OF DEALING WITH 19 PEOPLE, AND ONE IS NOT. BE MY GUEST AND TRY TO FIGURE THAT ONE OUT ON YOUR OWN. NEXT, I WOULD LIKE TO REMIND YOU THAT YOU HAVENT HAD YOUR PERIOD IN TWENTY-SIX YEARS. MOST WOMEN WOULD BE CONCERNED ABOUT SOMETHING LIKE THAT. AT THIS RATE, YOU ARE GOING TO GO THROUGH MENOPAUSE AT THE AGE OF EIGHTY, WHICH I AM SERIOUSLY NOT OKAY WITH. I SWEAR IF YOU KEEP IGNORING MY WANTS AND NEEDS LIKE THIS, I AM GOING TO FIND A GUN AND KILL MYSELF. I AM A VAGINA, NOT A CLOWN CAR. THANK YOU.

* my favorite facebook people are those who currently live in a city that isnt the city in which they were raised, and they must remind you of that fact every ten to fifteen seconds via status updates.

"weather likes this reminds me of why i love NYC so much!"
"loving the new art galleries in downtown atlanta!"
"there really is nothing like a night game at fenway park!"
"i love chicago style hot dogs!"
"who knew philadelphia had so many syphilis treatment centers?!"

yeah, we get it. you live in another city. i'll alert the press. woop-dee-freaking-doo.

* for those of you who heard about my car trouble this weekend, fear not - gary the buick is currently at the mechanics getting a new starter incorporated into his mainframe. thats what car guys call adding a new part, right? incorporating it into the mainframe? probably.

he should be ready to be picked up this afternoon, so you wont have to worry about tailgating on campus without everyones favorite 1994 GM product. you may now officially breathe that sigh of relief.

* basketball last night, podcasting tonight, volleyball tomorrow night, softball thursday night, doctors appointment friday afternoon, party friday night, buckeye football all day saturday.

come on weekend. come on...