Really????

really? you choose this woman to be the model that represents your institution? really? and you choose this face out of all of the pictures you took of her to be the one you put on the internet for all the world to see? really?

really?

happy friday.

Big Ten Score Predictions...

now that trick or treating is over and i have had a chance to consume my bodys weight in twix and kit kats, its time to do a little prognosticating on the big ten games this weekend - yes, they actually do keep playing football on halloween weekend.

i know, its weird...

Saturday October 31st, 2009

Indiana at (4) Iowa
12:00pm - ESPN
Line: IOWA -17.5

Wagg says: Iowa 42-3
Morgan says: Iowa 28-7

Purdue at Wisconsin
12:00pm - ESPN2
Line: WISC -7

Wagg says: Wisconsin 28-17
Morgan says: Wisconsin 20-17

Michigan at Illinois
3:30pm - ABC
Line: UM -7

Wagg says: Michigan 31-3
Morgan says: Michigan 28-10

(12) Penn State at Northwestern
4:30pm - ESPN
Line: PSU -17

Wagg says: Penn State 45-2
Morgan says: Penn State 31-14

Michigan State at Minnesota
8:00pm - Big Ten Network
Line: MSU -3.5

Wagg says: Michigan State 21-10
Morgan says: Michigan State 24-17

New Mexico State at (17) Ohio State
12:00pm - Big Ten Network
Line: OSU -44

Wagg says: Ohio State 150-0
Morgan says: Ohio State 38-3

go bucks!

The Oregon Trail...

it is an overcast and gloomy morning here in columbus, ohio. the sky looms dark over the northwest side of town, and massive rain clouds silently creep up on windermere elementary school. the children inside sneek glances out the window in anticipation of the coming storm. they know that rumbling in the distance well. it can mean only one thing...

indoor recess.

which, in turn, can only mean one thing.

THE OREGON TRAIL

welcome back, everyone! its time for another fateful trip down the oregon trail with your good buddy, morgan hughes! the crew for this installation with be...

Morgan Hughes
Lindsay Galbreath
Bill Wagg
Marissa Tomasic
Daid French

lindsay is coming along because she actually requested to in real life, wagg because of his ability to defeat dirty indians in a dunk contest for food, marissa because shes the only other person in the world that thinks the saying "making dump and weenus" is hilarious besides me, and french because i recently learned that he plagerized me and i want to see him die in any forum possible.

we are bankers from boston. we are leaving in april because anyone born in the 1980s knows that this is by far the best month to leave. if you think differently, you are a savage.

before we leave, we need to stop by matts general store to pick up some food, a few oxen, some ammo for hunting, and tampons for lindsay. she is always on her period. or at least it seems like she is. bitch.

Independence, MO - April 1, 1848
Weather: Cool
Health: Good
Pace: Steady
Rations: Meager

lets get going. i want to get to oregon as soon as possible, and if anyone gets in my way (FRENCH) i am going to feed you to butchs tarantula. and please dont touch my large plain cheese pizza. thanks - signed, kevin mcalister.

from independence it is 102 miles to the kansas river crossing...

...and shockingly we make it there without incident. i ask anyone if they want to look around, and wagg makes a comment about tyler hansbrough and how he is going to have a serious impact on the pacers this season. he also says he doesnt want to sound like a homer, but danny green is a sure fire first ballot hall of famer. and that rasheed wallace and vince carter will be the biggest difference makers in the east this year. i make the decision to float the wagon across the river, and i tell wagg that i hope he drowns.

the river is 4.6 feet deep, and we float that bitch right across without any problems. marissa suggests that we celebrate with a few natty ices and lindsay agrees. while we are all partying around the camp fire that night, a few smoking hot indian sluts stop by to hang out. french innapropriately hits on them to the point that they get up and leave. wagg thinks UNCs out of conference schedule in the toughest in america this season.

from the kansas river crossing it is 83 miles to the big blue river crossing...

health is good. pace is good. the oxen are making dump and weenus wherever they want, which makes them almost as cool as dinosaurs. and you have to respect that.

marissa falls out of the wagon and breaks her leg. french helps her brace the wound and asks her on a date. she says that its pretty much impossible for them to go on a date because they are traveling across the country in a freaking wagon. french tells her that she smells nice.

we arrive at the big blue river crossing, and it is 2.9 feet deep in the middle. seems like a perfect opportunity to float that bitch across. in case you were wondering, i will almost always try to float the wagon across, no matter how deep it is. lindsay remarks softly that she thinks i am a good leader. flirting with me will not get you any extra food, linds. oh wait. yes it will.

....sonuvabitch. the wagon tipped over while floating, and we lost 1600 pound of food, 1 wagon axle, and 127 bullets. this is a slight problem, as we only had 1700 pound of food to begin with. sadly, french survives.

from the big blue river crossing, it is 119 miles to fort kearny.

we pass a gravesite - would we like to look closer? hell yes we would like to look closer.

"here lies andy, peperony and chease"

much like we would do with a cartoon from the wall street journal, everyone looks at the gravestone and politely laughs. we have no idea what it means, but we are too proud to ask for clarification from someone else. also, marissa is drunk again.

on april 21, 1848 we reach fort kearny. from fort kearny to chimney rock, it is 200 miles. food supplies are low, and lindsay tells me that she "kinda likes the color of my eyes" - so i throw her a turkey leg and tell her to keep up the good work. french doesnt like this, and suggests that he and marissa move to the back of the wagon and "figure some stuff out". marissa is on her third bottle of mango passion boones farm for the day, so she agrees. wagg says that ty lawson is going to make a serious case for rookie of the year this season.

we leave for chimney rock.

and ox wanders off and we lose one day. marissa was in charge of watching the ox. typical.

lindsay has a broken leg. what, i am supposed to feel bad for you? you think youre better than me?

marissa has a broken arm. wagg and i tie marissa and lindsay to the top of the wagon with nintendo 64 controllers for fun. french asks us what a nintendo 64 is. we dont know. we live in 1848, dumbass.

we find an abandoned wagon with 1 set of clothes and 2 wagon axles! hurray! on the other hand, we are out of food. i decide to go hunting...

i shot two deer and a buffalo that combined weigh 1270 pounds, but was only able to carry 100 pounds back to the wagon. lindsay tells me that its okay, she still thinks i am a great provider. i tell her that she is starting to come off as a little needy.

as we near chimney rock, the ground goes from the color green to the color orange. marissa blames the color change on the lack of busch light, and wagg says that he thinks jerry stackhouse has a minimum of five good years left in him.

we arrive at chimney rock. from here, it is 86 miles to fort laramie. french hopes that he can pick up a nice looking camel hair sports coat while there. i tell him that his boat shoes have no place on the oregon trail. he is sad.

inadequte grass, very little water, inadequate grass. a wagon tounge breaks, and though no one is sure what in the hell a wagon tounge is, we manage to fix it. very little water. a wagon axle breaks. lindsay says that this is what happens when you buy american. i tell her that if she doesnt like this country, she can move to another one. she said thats why she is going to oregon. stupid lindsay...

we arrive at fort laramie and are immediately told that we must "flip he diskette to side two". i shoot a look of confusion at wagg, who informs me that sean may is ready to make a serious push for playing time this season. lindsay tells me that she thinks we would have cute kids. i inform her that she stinks of desperation, and marissa says to no one in particular that she hopes there is mikes hard lemonade on side two.

i press the space bar and we move on. fort laramie is ultra sweet, and i buy 1500 pounds of food. french buys a pair of white shoes that everyone hates but him. whatever. from here it is 190 miles to independence rock.

inadequate grass, very little water, inadequate grass, very little water. french wonders aloud why we left in april, and maybe that this trip would have been easier if we left in the fall. lindsay punches him in the mouth. its nice to have someone that sticks up for you, but i am totally not sleeping with her no matter how hard she tries. unless i am drunk. which i am. a lot.

FIND WILD FRUIT!

without any cause or reason why from the oregon trail gods, french has died. at the funeral, marissa admits that they had been sleeping together for weeks. wagg is offended, as he had been sleeping with marissa as well. lindsay, overcome with emotion, tells everyone that her and marissa had a softcore makeout session the night that french scared off the dirty indian sluts. youve got to be kidding me - everyone has been with marissa except me? this is bullshit.

we hastily burry french in a shallow grave next to some oxen dung and move on.

very little watter. bad trail. lose one day. i hate traveling.

we arrive at independence rock, and our health is poor. lindsay suggests we stop and rest for a few days, but it will be a cold day in hell when i start taking advice from a freaking girl. especially one with red hair and freckles. gross.

from here it is 102 miles to the south pass. which is a very descriptive name.

bad trail. lose three days. inadequate grass. very little water. marissa is hungover. what else is new.

we arrive at the south pass, and are given the option of heading to the green river or fort bridger. people are again in poor health, and a stop at a fort could really do wonders for morale.

i decide to hunt.

after returning with nothing and wasting 87 bullets shooting a rock out of frustration, i decide to head towards the green river crossing. lindsay says it is a smart decision. okay, fine - go wait for me in the back of the wagon. tramp.

after three minutes of heavy petting and sexual awkwardness, we get on the road. from here it is 57 miles to the green river.

inadequate grass. very little water. marissa is passed out and her boob is hanging out. sweet. FIND WILD FRUIT!

we arrive at the green river. it is 400 feet across and 20 feet deep in the middle. this is a serious freaking river right here. no use getting cocky and doing something stupid.

i decide to float the wagon across. shockingly, nothing happens. victory for wagon carol seaver!

from here it is 144 miles to soda springs.

and marissa has dysentery.

and wagg has typhoid. i ask him how he is feeling, and he says that his dad told him that raymond felton looked good in the preseason. should push for some significant playing time this year. marissa is making dump all over the back of the wagon. i make lindsay clean it up. gross.

bad trail - lose 5 days. during those five days, we celebrate the 4th of july in typical UA fashion. wagg and i construct a makeshift baseball diamond, and lindsay gets drunk and hugs most of the guys with shaggy hair and a jeep wrangler that show up. she is such a hug slut. marissa chugs a case of mad dog and asks a group of little kids if they want to know how to "live forever". i apologize to their parents and we continue on the trail.

we arrive at soda springs. from here it is 57 miles to fort hall.

i decide to hunt.

i shoot the shit out of a rabbit and a deer and come back with 75 pounds of food. lindsay is impressed. at this point you can pretty much hear her biological clock ticking.

FIND WILD FRUIT!

one of the ox is injured. marissa is drunk. she starts to cry and says she misses "that guy dexter spanish". was that the guy who just died? we all think about it, and agree that dexter spanish was probably his name. who can be sure.

we reach fort hall. i buy more food for lindsay, who i just noticed has started to put on some serious weight. from here it is 182 miles to the snake river crossing.

impassable trail. lose four days. we break a wagon axle. wagg fixes it.

time to hunt.

i murder a deer with my gun and carry 62 pounds of food back to the wagon. lindsay is even bigger than i remember.

impassable trail. lose three days. bad water. very little water. inadequate grass.

wagg has typhoid. and a fever. this probably will not end well for dear william.

we reach the snake river crossing, which is 1000 feet across and 6 feet deep in the middle. i make a tough call and decide to float the wagon across....

...

.......

....and the wagon sinks. we lose 100 pounds of food, six sets of clothing, and marissa drowns. i would normally be sad and blame myself, but she was pretty wasted when we tipped over. lindsday says she tried to save her, but wagg and i cant remember that ever happening. we think she is lying. oh well, she is in a better place now, and at least shell have ron mexico to keep her company. that was his name, right? ron mexico?

yeah, probably.

from here it is 114 miles to fort boise. wagg is feeling better. lindsay is massive.

one of the oxen has died. doesnt matter to me, as i love to see animals suffer. lindsay says she is having "morning sickness". i laugh and pretend i know what she is talking about.

impassable trail - lose nine days. i tell wagg that nine days sang that awesome song "story of a girl" in 1999, then i remembered that its actually only 1848. my bad. wagg says jeff mcinnis is going to make serious strides this season.

wagg has cholera. a thief comes in the middle of the night and steals 84 pounds of food. that stinks. that 84 pounds of food could have fed lindsay for two days.

wagg has a broken leg from jumping on the trampoline.

wagg has a snakbite. god wants him to die.

we arrive at fort boise. wagg pours out a a bud light on the ground in memory of marissa. i tell him that wasting alcohol is the thing that marissa would have appreciated the least.

from here it is 160 miles to the blue mountains.

bad water, inadequate grass, very little water, bad water, very little water. impassable trail - lose 8 days. wagg says he expects big things out of rashad mccants this year.

FIND WILD FRUIT!

wagg comes across a "summer suit" that belonged to some guy named travis australia (we think) that used to ride with us. lindsay is so fat that we sew it together and use it as a pair of underwear for her. she says she can "feel the baby kicking". thinking "feeling the baby kicking" must be a term for a sweet dunk on NBA jam, i give her a high five and yell "hes on fire!!!!"

very little water. very little water. very little water.

FIND WILD FRUIT!

we find an abandoned wagon with 42 bullets.

time to hunt.

i come back with nothing, but lindsay comforts me by telling me that she thinks i will be a great father. thats pretty random. she must be drinking again.

broken wagon axle. wagg fixes it.

we arrive at the blue mountains. they are beautiful. wagg says they remind him of raymond feltons jump shot. lindsay says that she is pregnant with my child. i wonder what she means.

from here we are given the choice of heading to the dalles or fort walla walla. i decide to think it over while hunting.

after returning with 100 pounds of the finest bear meat this side of the mississippi, i decide that the dalles is the way to go. it seems to me that we would have a better chance if we caulked the wagon and floated it, but its not really an option at the moment.

from here it is 125 miles to the dalles. lindsay says she is having contractions and is worried about the baby. i ask wagg if we have any flavor ice. we do. best day ever!

wrong trail. lose two days. bad water. very little water. no water. water is overrated.

wagg has a broken leg.

wagg has typhoid.

wagg has died.

at the funeral, lindsay tells me that her water has broken. i tell her that she has bigger things to worry about, because there is crap all over her legs. which is disgusting. and smells awful. i tell her to go down to the creek bed and wash that shit off of her. while she cleans herself, i decide to take a nap.

lindsay returns and it appears she has found a puppy. or something. it is covered in goo, and it has a pointy head. on the bright side, lindsay seems to have finally started to lose weight. she says she is tired and needs to rest. i offer to take care of the puppy while she sleeps, but i am actually planning to leave it wherever we are once she falls passes out.

i quickly forget about the new puppy and continue on our way. we arrive at the dalles. from here we can float the wagon down the columbia river or travel down the barlow toll road. i have never been fond of floating the wagon if given a choice, and i am afraid the water will wake up the puppy, who has been a total pain in the ass the last couple of days.

time to hunt.

after coming back empty handed, it appears lindsay has found a human infant, and the puppy is nowhere to be found. she probably traded for it. great, another mouth to feed. i ask what its name is, and lindsay says "morgan, after her father". i tell lindsay she is a total skank for sleeping with two guys named morgan. i didnt even know there were two of us. lindsay is confused and tells me i am acting weird. whatever, skank.

we reach the end of the toll road and the end of our long journey. oregon, USA baby!

lindsay and i share a citrus zima and think back on the time spent on the trail. we talk of memories that will last a lifetime and fondly remember our friends wagg, marissa, and jeremy cleveland.

we will miss you, dear friends, and will think of you often...

...FIND WILD FRUIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Michael Jackson...

i miss the spring of 2009.

in the spring of 2009, michael jackson was a strange looking white man who was getting ready to go on tour in england because he was desperate for money. people remembered him for being a whack-job, and putting out some really good music in the 70s / 80s / early 90s.

then summer hit, and michael jackson died.

in typical black person fashion, he was hailed as a misunderstood musical genius who changed the face of the universe. in typical white person fashion, his legacy became a soapbox for pretentious young suburbanites to stand on and scream OMG I LOVED HIM MORE THAN YOU DID.

and the fact that he was a flat-out weirdo who had a love affair with a freaking monkey, pretended to be peter pan, and settled out of court on child molestation charges (just as good as admitting guilt if you ask me) was completely ignored by everyone who ever remembered dancing to "billie jean" in their PJs as a kid.

so, this week, as we are being inundated with twitter posts and facebook status updates from men and women all over this country, try to remember one thing; those people who scream and yell and pee their pants over "this is it" coming out in theatres are basically getting up in front of the entire internet community and saying "i value looking cool in front of my friends and seeming hip to strangers above all else."

but what else is new? people have been excusing criminal behavior from artists well before i was on this planet, and they will continue to do so well after i am gone. the difference here is that michael jackson took advantage of kids, man. of kids. and he did so under the guise of healing the world, making it a better place for you and for me and the entire human race. bullshit.

the thing about kids is this - they can fend for themselves. they can rarely make sound judgment calls on character issues. they rely on us, as adults, to do that for them and keep them safe, and there is a special little corner in hell for those sick and twisted bastards that take that awesome responsibility and use it to accomplish their own disgusting agendas.

call me crazy, but just because someone has a talent to produce snappy pop tunes doesnt excuse the fact that they are a loony tunes creepy-ass serial weirdo that takes advantage of kids. i dont care how much money that person made for africa by writing "we are the world" and i dont care how insightful he seemed when he sang "man in the mirror". in my eyes, that just makes him a giant hypocrite. and a liar.

so, everyone, all together now - update your facebook status in all caps. declare your love and admiration for michael jackson. tell everyone how you simply cannot wait to see the movie about the final days of a habitual drug abuser. ignore everything about the man that makes you uncomfortable. because we live in a society where its almost worse to talk about sexual abuse than is it actually sexually abuse someone.

ignore things that inconvenient for the health of your mix CDs.

afterall, he wrote "thriller" - and that was a great song.

400th Team Secret Falcon Post...

if you would have told me way back in 2004 that i would be nearing the 1,000 total blog post plateau a short fives years later, i would have probably believed you. i also would have probably shot you in the face with a gun, as i had just moved to detroit and i was a little jumpy / trigger happy.

dont judge me - detroit isnt like columbus. there are far more little ceasers. it causes great peril.

on october 31st, 2007 i made the jump from myspace blogging to blogspot blogging, and not long after that i bought the web domain http://www.teamsecretfalcon.com/ - easily the best ten dollars a year i spend every twelve months. 400 blogs entries in two years - thats roughly 300 posts a year, and i feel as if i need to thank a few people for helping me get to this fantastic landing-place.

ahem...

THANK YOU

Phil Miller - every single time that i think i have nothing to write about, you effortlessly glide across the room and bring me an oversized ziplock freezer bag filled with various types of tiny cheese cubes. not only does it cure my gallons-and-gallons-of-apple-juice-induced-diarrhea, it reminds me of the person i am. and the man i want to be.

Peter Sevendsen - and i want to thank you, for giving me the best day of my life. and i want to thank you, for giving me the best day of my life. and i want to thank you, for giving me the best day of my life. and i want to thank you, for giving me the best day of my life. and i want to thank you, for giving me the best day of my life.

Guy who wear Ed Hardy shirts - without you, quite simply, this blog would be nothing. it would be less than nothing. i so very much enjoy telling you what a douchey, redbull and vodka drinking, six pounds of cologne wearing, tilted hat rocking, girl raping, UFC watching, overpriced sushi eating, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit that you are on a daily basis.

People who use the term "doing dinner" - hey, want to "do dinner" tonight? that is to say, would you like to accomplish dinner with me? am i the only one that hates this terminology? i mean, i know you can "do" pilates or "do" homework. these are both things that it takes effort to accomplish. can you really "do" dinner? "i think im just going to stay in tonight at do dinner" - what happens after that? i very much look forward to subsequent status update - "DINNER ACCOMPLISHED!!!!!!!!!!"

People over the age of 35 who call getting drunk getting "buzzed" - ummm, no. if you drink three bottles of wine with dinner and your alcohol tolerance is that of an infant, you are drunk. not buzzed. you might even be shitfaced. its even possible that you are hammer-drunk. but not buzzed. you are passed out in a pool of your own vomit - the time to save face by the use of creative phraseology is gone.

Barack Obama - OMGBARACK!!!1!1! and his mindless army of lemming zombies could not have been better for a person who runs a rant blog. i also have a deep love and passion for vague rallying cries that people grasp onto and they really dont have any idea why. YES WE CAN! you can what, exactly? UMMM.....GEORGE BUSH IS A TERRORIST! how so, exactly? UMMM.....GEORGE BUSH KILLED PEOPLE OVERSEAS! so has every other president. so will omgbarack. GEORGE BUSH MUST GO! he will go. he has been president for eight years. thats how it works. GEORGE BUSH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH YES WE CAN!

Zach and Miri Make a Porno - i dont think i am being dramatic when i say that zach and miri make a porno is the worst movie that has ever been made in the long history of cinema. and am i the only one who has had waaaaaay more than enough of the kevin smith movie genre? its like, yeah, hearing the word "blowjob" in a theatre was hilarious in 1994 when clerks came out, but we are all over it now. kevin, being creative works like this - its only actually creative when you do it once. after that it becomes repetitive, and unless you are U2 people will eventually tire of the same boring crap wrapped up in a different package year after year after year.

Political extremists - the other side is not out to get you. republicans arent all ignorant wealthy racists. democrats dont want the elderly to go in front of a death panel that makes decisions on whether they live or die. if you buy into a negative sweeping generalization of the people who dont agree with you, that makes you an extremist.

Dinosaurs - as we learned late last week, dinosaurs are awesome for a number of reasons. without dinosaurs, none of this would have been possible.

Where the Wilds Things Are - you are a white person, you are in your twenties or thirties, you are tragically hip, you like alternative music, you have thick-rimmed glasses, you cant be bothered to shave every day, you have friends that are black people, and you like to tell people about how much you ride your bike instead of driving a car. you saw where the wild things are. we know. now please shut up about it.

Weekend Recap...

a quick weekend recap - i am busy today and dont have time for you, blog...

This Weekend

Wagg Predictions: 4-1
Morgan Predictions: 3-2

Wagg ATS: 4-1
Morgan ATS: 1-4

For The Season

Morgan Predictions: 47-15 (76%)
Wagg Predictions: 44-18 (71%)

Wagg ATS: 23-30 (43%)
Morgan ATS: 22-31 (42%)

i was flat-out wrong about the michigan / penn state game, and was 99.9% right about the michigan state / iowa game. good weekend for wagg.

even a blind squirrel finds a nut every now and then.

Big Ten Power Rankings

1. Iowa
2. Penn State
3. Ohio State
4. Michigan State
5. Wisconsin
6. Northwestern
7. Michigan
8. Purdue
9. Minnesota
10. Indiana
11. Illinois

Fun with Babel Fish...

one of my most favorite things in the world is when people who cant speak english try to speak english and screw it up. only not in such a manner where you have no idea what they are trying to say, but just enough for their message to still be clear yet hilarious at the same time. needless to say, its very hard to accomplish.

unless you go to babel fish online, type in some random crap in english, convert it to spanish, then convert it back into english. the result is almost always hilarious. allow me to show you exactly what i mean..

here is what i typed into babel fish...

Hello and welcome to the first in what i hope is many installments of Team Secret Falcon's "Fun with English to Spanish back to English Translations"! Today I will be telling you a little story about the worst thing that has ever happened to me. Frowny face, you guys!

Anyway, it was a warm summer day in Columbus, Ohio and your best friend Morgan was sitting in a field of flowers and grasses at Fancyburg park playing with his friends. Just then, the worst thing that can happen to a young boy happened to that guy Morgan I was just talking about - a lion attacked him! No way! So crazy! Please tell me more about this lion attack!

Well, the lion was all up in my business, and was trying like mad hell to end my life. I was all, no way! This is serious! Time to get ghetto on this fool! So i grabbed that lion by it's head, threw him down on the ground, and starting getting straight gangster on his ass. Before you knew it, the lion was being a bitch and running away and was thinking to himself that it was probably his worst idea ever to attack such a bad dude, one with the fighting capabilities of a civil war general, and the quickness of a much younger and more totally sweet lion.

Oh no you didn't! I know you didn't just bust up in this here park and try to eat me for your lunch! Get out my face! Get out my business! Get out my entire world!

So then me and my friends had a super awesome time on the big toy, and we played and laughed and braided each others hair until night fell and we had to go home for dinner. But we never would forget that day - the day when we found that dead body and almost got run over by a train and Keifer Sutherland almost killed us. Or was that the plot to Stand By Me? Who can be sure at this point.

The moral of this story is that you should always stay in school. And never do drugs. Unless you are doing those drugs in school and they have been given (sold) to you by a reliable source. Like some guy you work with. Or a guy you just met but you have a really good feeling about him.

a simple enough story, right?

i then translated it into spanish, and then took that spanish story and converted it back into english. you would think that the same story would come out, right?

wrong - here is what i got...

Hello and reception to first in which I hope is many facilities of the Secret Falcon of the equipment; diversion of with English-Spanish again to English translations! Today I will tell the small history of him on the worse thing than it has never happened to me. Face of Frowny, you individual!

In any case, it was a day of hot summer in Columbus, Ohio and its better Morgan friend sat down in a field of flowers and the grass in Fancyburg parquean to play with their friendly. Hardly then, the worse thing than can happen to a young boy happened to that Morgan individual that I finish speaking - it attacked it to a lion! No way! So crazy! Please go more on this attack of the lion!

Well, the lion was everything for above in my business, and tried like angry hell to finish my life. He was everything, no way! This is serious! Hour to obtain ghetto in this idiot! Thus so that lion by it' it directs it to, it sent down in the Earth, and to begin obtaining to the straight gangster in his ass.

Before knew you it, the lion was a dog and an operation far and thought that it was probably his worse idea to so attack never a type, one with the capacities of the fight of a general of the civil war, and to the rapidity much more young lion and of more totally sweet. Oh you didn' t! I know didn't him, as soon as it bursts above for in this park me and tries here to eat for his lunch!

It leaves my face! It leaves my business! It leaves my entire world!

So then I and my friendly had awhile impressive wonderful in the great toy, and played and laughed and braided each other hair until she lowered the night and had to go to house for dinner.

But never we would forget that day - the day when we found that corpse and almost obtained operation above by a train, and Keifer Sutherland almost killed to us. Or was that the diagram to do a pause to me? Who can be safe to this point.

The moral of this history is that you must always remain in school. And it never makes drugs. Unless you are making those drugs in school and they have been given him (sold) by a trustworthy source. As individual you work with. Or an individual that you finish being but you you have a really good sensation exceeds he.

so, yeah, thanks for nothing, babel fish. that wasnt even close to the story that i originally told you. its like you werent even listening to me. its like you dont even know who i am anymore.

lets try this one more time...

One of the most important things you can do with your life is taking care of your body and living forever. Or at least until you die.

One time I had a friend who ate things like cookies and cake and various pies for every meal. He never worked out, and he spent his entire life smoking drugs and playing video games. Then one day - boom - genital herpes.

Another good thing to do is treating your family with respect. Sure, sometimes it seems like a good idea to hit your sister in the face and push her down and entire flight of stairs, but that type of action is wrong, and should only be done on holidays when you have been drinking all day and they make more money than you do. Why should they have nicer things than me? Do they think they are better than me? Too bad I don't need stupid things like money or a husband or kids to validate my life.

Why is it so hard for a man to just love me for who I am? You know what I should do? I should just get a gun and lay waste to this entire stupid family. They don't know me! They have no idea who I am! God, I hate my life. You know what would make me feel better? Ice cream. Lots and lots of ice cream. And maybe I should buy another cat. Hell, maybe I'll get six cats - that would show them. That would show them all.

I am going to kill myself.

classic.

lets see what babel fish thought i was really trying to say...

One of the most important things that you can do with his life is taking well-taken care of from its body and life by always. Or at least until you die.

Once it had a friend who ate thing like cakes and cake and the several pasties for each food. It never was solved, and he passed his drugs that smoked of the whole life and to play the games video. Then a day - height - herpes genital.

Another good thing to do is dealing to its family with respect. Sure, seems sometimes as a good idea to strike to its sister in the face and to push his downwards and the whole section of steps, but that type of action is incorrect, and it is due to only do the holidays in which you have been drinking all the day and do that more money than you do.

Why they must have things more pleasant than me? They think them are better than me? Also bad I don't stupid things of the necessity of like the money or a husband or cabritos to validate my life. Why he is so hard that a man loves as soon as me for whom I am?

You know what I must do? I must as soon as to obtain a weapon and to put the sweepings to this whole stupid family. They don' t knows me! They do not have any idea that is! God, hatred my life. You know what you would do me better the sensation? Ice cream. Portions and portions of ice cream. Perhaps and I must buy another cat. Hell, perhaps I' ll obtains six cats - it would demonstrate that them. That would demonstrate everything to them.

I am going to kill itself.

Big Ten Score Predictions...

time to do some predictions.

1. you will fall in love with me.
2. you will make out with my lower facial region.
3. you will give me all of your larry bird cards.
4. my larry bird card collection wil be stronger than ever.
5. profit.

lets talk big ten football instead...

Saturday October 24th, 2009

Illinois at Purdue
12:00pm - ESPN2
Line: PUR -11

Wagg says: Purdue 31-21
Morgan says: Purdue 33-9

Indiana at Northwestern
12:00pm - Big Ten Network
Line: NW -4.5

Wagg says: Indiana 24-21
Morgan says: Northwestern 23-10

(13) Penn State at Michigan
3:30pm - ABC
Line: PSU -4.5

Wagg says: Penn State 42-28
Morgan says: Michigan 35-31

(6) Iowa at Michigan State
7:00pm - Big Ten Network
Line: MSU -1.5

Wagg says: Iowa 38-17
Morgan says: Michigan State 21-17

Minnesota at (19) Ohio State
12:00pm - ESPN
Line: OSU -16.5

Wagg says: Ohio State 31-7
Morgan says: Ohio State 24-10

well well well - what do we have here? a week after wagg and i agreed on every game on the big ten schedule, it seems that we have come to a crossroad. the only two games we are thinking alike on this week is the purdue game and the ohio state game.

someone is going down this week - i can feel it in my human blood. either wagg is going to get right back in the middle of this contest by picking up a couple huge wins, or i end up running away with the trophy in week eight of the schedule.

call me crazy, but i just think that this is the week that iowa goes down. a night game, in east lansing, the forecast calling for some rain, sparty finally putting an entire game together the last three weeks - i can feel it.

and i think michigan is going to take care of a HIGHLY overrated penn state team at home. seriously, beating the #14 ranked team in the country at home is probably something worth charging the field in ann arbor these days. kinda sad.

go bucks....

Why Dinosaurs Are Awesome...

the top ten reasons why dinosaurs are awesome...

1. dinosaurs are always walking around killing things and eating them raw. when other animals try to get in on the hot dinner action, dinosaurs are like "GET THE F*#K OUT OF HERE BEFORE SOMETHING BAD HAPPENS TO YOU" which is something that most humans would be too scared to actually say to an animal.

2. when dinosaurs get engaged, you dont have to hear about it every ten seconds via facebook status updates. "dinner with my fiance!" "im the luckiest girl in the world! :)" "miss my fiance! :(" yeah, we get it, youre engaged. while you are having your kids and going to parent-teacher conferences, i will be busy not getting grief for playing basketball during the week, snorting lines off of a pregnant hookers ass, and sleeping in on the weekends. no, but seriously, we are all happy for you...

3. dinosaurs arent afraid of stupid stuff like earthquakes, thunderstorms, meteors, or tornados. its like, whatever happens, happens. you cant change things you have no control over, and that is something dinosaurs have always been really good at understanding. in hindsight, dinosaurs should probably fear meteors. probably more than anything else.

4. cant find a bathroom? no problem for dinosaurs. they will just make dump and weenus all over the place, no matter where they are or who is looking. as a matter of fact, i cant remember the last time i saw a dinosaur actually use a toilet. and thats hardass.

5. dinosaurs are always telling awesome stories about how much cheaper air tarvel was during pangaea.

6. you always know exactly where you stand with a dinosaur. if they attack, maul, and eat you, chances are pretty good that they didnt care much for you to begin with. i have a couple former human friends that remind me of dinosaurs, actually...

7. dinosaurs never tell and ninja or pirate related jokes. yeah, ninjas and pirates are hilarious. we know. enough.

8. all of the dinosaurs that starred in "jurassic park" are all fairly level-headed and approachable. its important that success not go to your head.

9. 86% of dinosaurs agree that every single guy who watches UFC is a complete douchebag.

10. dinosaurs are fierce. and not in the way that tyra banks in fierce. in a totally and completely and way more badass kind of way. so they have that going for them, which is nice.

Fun with Poetry...

the one thing i am most good at in my entire life / world / person is poetry. also, i like to take pictures of stuff like couches in alleys and ash trays, turn them into black and white photos and pretend they are artistic.

i also like to talk about how much i enjoy red wine and sushi.

when people ask me if i am free on a weekend, i like to say things like "im actually volunteering at a run for cancer this weekend, so no" instead of just saying that i am busy because i need people to know that i give my time to worthwhile causes. simply knowing in my heart that i am doing a good thing isnt enough for me.

i refuse to drive a hybrid that doesnt look like a hybrid because i want people to know that i am doing something good for the environment and that they should feel guilty when talking to me.

i like to eat meals at the north market and casually tell people about it during conversations that have nothing to do with the north market or eating or meals just because i am that diluted.

but mostly i am just really good at poetry.

Summer Breeze
in my mind, i feel the summer breeze
the warmth splashes over my being
i run 'thru the flowery meadow
and nap on the calm plains underneath the blue afternoon sky
can you feel it as well?
will you lay with me?
and did you know there is a high school in columbus called "africentric"?
and their nickname is the "nubians"?
the africentric nubians
you cant make that shit up

Getting Better
i used to get mad at my genital herpes
they werent fun and i hated them
then i got some medicine and im changing my scene
im doing the best that i can
ive got to admit its getting better
its getting better all the time

Doin' Work
i pick up my hammer and build me a shed
doin' work
i mow the lawn and bag the clippings
doin' work
i get up early and walk both of my dogs
doin' work
i clean out the garage and sweep the front steps
doin' work
i light up a cigarette and put it out on my forehead
doin' work
i pee in a jar and save the jar just in case
doin' work
i scream at animals in the pet shop at the top of my lungs
doin' work
i cut my hand with a large hunting knife
pool the blood into an over sized bowl of chocolate pudding
i feed the pudding to my best friend because he loves pudding
i pin him down, lick his cheek and whisper into his ear
"now i am inside of you"
doin' work

Halloween
the spookiest time of the year is halloween
there are tons of witches and spiders and ghosts
they are running around everywhere doing crazy things
i like to go trick or treating with my mom
as soon as we get to neighbor chads house my mom goes in his room
and doesnt come out for a very long time
i always wonder what they are doing in there
and why mommy is screaming
the spookiest time of the year is halloween

Broken Promises
mark was a boy who said he loved me
he told me how beautiful i was
and how much he wanted to be with me forever
mark bought me flowers and made me dinner one night
said he wanted to be "with me"
to show me how much i meant to him
we had relations on my futon for twelve minutes
then he got up and left and i never heard from mark again
the ed hardy shirt and motorcycle should have clued me in
i really need to stop going to the arena district

Moral Inventory...

for awhile now, i have been hovering right around 1,000 pictures on facebook. that is to say, i have either uploaded myself or have been taged in 1,000 pictures since i have become a member of tha' book. i dont think that last sentence was the kings english, but we will ignore it and move on anyway.

since this unfortunate milestone is just around the corner, i thought it would be wise to take a moral inventory of myself. make a little list of the things that are good about me and the things that are bad about me. just to make sure i wasnt a complete toolbox and didnt know it.

THINGS THAT ARE BAD ABOUT ME...

* i derive great pleasure from watching people fall down. even though i know it causes them serious pain and can result in them being severely hurt (or even killed) (hopefully killed), i still cant help but laugh to the point where a tiny bit of urine escapes into my underwears.

* i once set fire to a small mexican village in order to impress a girl. as it turns out, she had a boyfriend and she wasnt even watching me. all of those people died for nothing. on the bright side, while they were all running around burning to death, a few of them tripped and fell. i found that aspect to be hysterical.

* once, when my sister was somewhere around four or five years old, i convinced her that we were selling her to another family. she cried. that wouldnt be such a terrible story because kids do awful things to each other all the time, except that when my sister was four years old i was twenty one years old. that is a true story.

* i sell drugs. lots of them. and only to blind elderly women. and i overcharge them. by a lot.

* i dont go to church during football season because i cant be bothered to get out of bed that early. even though most of ohio states game are over before 7pm on saturdays.

* i had a job at a restaurant when i was 14 even though it was illegal for me to be working there before i turned 15. i took the money anyway. and i killed a guy who asked me how old i was. even though he asked me at school. and he was the school guidance counsellor. and he had six kids. couldnt take the risk.

* i routinely drown my roommates plants by giving them too much water. the authorities have no leads.

* i wrote a fake note to the bus driver in 5th grade so i could get off at a different bus stop. somehow he figured out that my mom probably wouldnt write a note like that with a purple crayola marker. he was smarter than me.

* i dont play by your rules.

* getting to first base with a girl for me is like getting to third base with a girl for you. believe me, you dont want to know what "going all the way" entails...

THINGS THAT ARE GOOD ABOUT ME...

* i had nothing to do with the brutal attack on nancy kerrigan during the 1992 winter olympics.

* i do not possess the power to cause earthquakes. and anyone who says differently needs to shut up if they know whats good for them.

* i have touched gavin rossdales arm. true story. happened in detroit. dont ask how.

* i have been told that i have the "touch of a child" - though this likely has more to do with my small fingernails than anything else. still.

* i wasnt alive during the iran hostage crisis.

* i am not obnoxious with my blackberry. except to kristy. and thats on prupose.

* i do not eat vegetables, leaving more for starving children in canada to consume. youre welcome.

* i often cry at the end of extreme makeover home edition, proving that i do possess the ability to have feelings for others so long as there is sad music playing the in the background.

* i can do ultra sweet backflips into swimming pools, which usually almost always sometimes makes everyone at the pool super happy because they just saw something awesome or slightly above average.

* i am pretty much the best ping pong player in the world, only i rarely play because i like to let everyone else have a chance to make their money and feed their children. believe me, if i decided to actually start playing ping pong right now, no kids would be eating. anywhere. forever.

CONCLUSION...

it is likely that i will die alone.

Dear Team Secret Falcon...

dear TSF - my parents dont understand me. they are always hassling me and making me do things i dont want to do. what can i do to make them chill out? -Jenny Savage - Dyersville, IA

jenny - growing up is hard. there are always going to be kids you dont like, things you dont want to do, and parental interference at seemingly every turn. but heres the little secret that adults dont want you to know - it doesnt get any easier when you grow up. there are still people you dont like, only there are more of them and chances are they make more money than you. the things you dont want to do arent school-related anymore - they are life related. like, say, you dont feel like going to work anymore. so you dont. and you dont get paid. and you cant eat. then you die.

and your parents still hassle you, only its not about going to sports practice or doing your homework. its about getting married and giving them grandchildren, both of which are WAY worse than going to lacrosse practice and getting exercise for ninety minutes. because there is no off-season from marriage. there are no three month long summer breaks from being a grown up. there are no homecoming dances, substitute teachers, spring breaks, or ten days off from work because its christmas.

and just when adults think they have everything figured out, they have punk-ass teenagers like you who think that they know everything and shouldnt be bothered to visit their grandparents, or take out the trash, or come home before 9pm on a school night busting their chops on a nightly basis. this is why your parents are always so stressed out. because of you.

thats the unfortunate thing about babies that no one tells newlyweds or young couples drunk on pinot noir and illogical child-related fantasies. newborns become toddlers, toddlers become kids, kids become teenagers, and teenagers are the worst human beings on the planet.

in summation, jenny, i am so very sorry that your parents occasionally give you grief. if you would like to, go ahead and send me your address. when you are walking to the bus stop tomorrow morning ill run you over with my buick and put you out of your misery.

team secret falcon - my husband and i have begun to drift apart recently. its not that i dont love him, and its not that i dont think he is a great father; we just seem to have nothing in common anymore. what should i do? -janis robocop - white plains, KA

janis, my guess is that the only thing you ever really had in common in the first place was that you were both dating each other for a couple years in your mid to late twenties, and you were both to damn lazy to admit that your relationship wasnt that great and that both of you probably would have been better off looking for love somewhere else. so excuse me if i dont exactly feel sorry for you. because you were lazy as hell when you were fifteen years younger, and my guess is that you are about fifteen years more lazy now.

lets not kid around here, and please dont try to bullshit a bullshitter. chances are you wont directly deal with this realization. chances are you will let it fester and build until one day you do something stupid like have an affair, or explode in his face about some meaningless little thing like a broken dishwasher. then youll tell him how you never really loved him in the first place, he will reveal that he has been sticking it to your cousin for three months, and youll both unintentionally cause the next six generations of your family to have serious commitment issues. stop wasting my time, and get back to your smart ones frozen lunch and shopping on macys.com. thanks.

dear TSF - in order of awesomeness, how would you rank all of the star trek series? -brent spiner - hollywood, CA

a valid and super bomb-ass question, brent. by the way - i loved you in "independence day" and "dude, wheres my car?"

my personal feelings are as follows...

1. the next generation
2. enterprise
3. voyager
4. deep space nine
5. original series
6. animated series

if you ask me this question again in five minutes, 2-4 could be completely different. everyone knows that the next generation is by far the most awesome and badass star trek anything ever, even if season one was ridiculous and wesley crusher makes me want to vomit blood. the original series is pretty outdated, but i can see why people from that era love it. the animated series was an insult, and i hate that its even considered cannon. enterprise being cancelled was a tragedy. i loved the continuity of deep space nine - you never got season long story arcs out of any other of the series. voyager had, like, a million borg episodes - which was always a plus.

and picard was the best captain. thats not even up for debate.

TSF - what was the one thing from your childhood that most shaped the person you are today? -kevin arnold - green bay, WI

when i was six years old, i watched the nazis burn my birth mother alive and replace her with the woman i know refer to as "mom".

this tragedy taught me a lot about fire safety.

falcon blog - what ever happened to "flood pants"? -jerry revish - columbus, OH

you mean shpants? those half shorts, half pants things that girls wore in the late 90s / early 00s? good question.

i think because of global warming, there is a less lkely chance of flash floods in this country, therefore women are less likely to incorporate emergency fashion into their everyday life. either that, or they finally figured out how ridiculous they looked.

dear TSF - would you rather get runned over by a lawn mower, blowed up by a bomb, or have boogers in your hair? -a three year old peter hughes - columbus, OH

i told you this in 1989, and i will tell you again - this question makes absolutely no sense. but if i had to choose, i suppose i would rather get runned over by a lawn mower. having boogers in your hair would be the worst.

Weekend Recap...

i have to keep reminding myself that terrelle pryor is a sophomore. when i stop doing so, thoughts of setting myself on fire and walking into oncoming traffic clutter my brain, and stop me from concentrating on what is really important in life. like flavor ice. and tecmo super bowl.

at least he is setting himself up for a really good human interest piece on college gameday in a couple of seasons when he stops being such a fumble-happy-mouth-breather.

then again, you cant fix stupid.

Last Week

Wagg Predictions: 4-2
Morgan Predictions: 4-2

Wagg ATS: 1-4
Morgan ATS 3-2

For The Season

Wagg Predictions: 40-17 (70%)
Wagg ATS: 19-29 (40%)

Morgan Predictions: 44-13 (77%)
Morgan ATS: 21-27 (44%)

Big Ten Power Rankings
October 19th, 2009

1. Iowa - the hawkeyes only have two real games left in the season - this weekend at michigan state, and november 14th at ohio state. if they can get through both with W's, they will have a real shot at playing in the national championship game. you know something crazy will happen in college football between now and then to make that possible. for the sake of the conference, im rooting against them making it and embarrassing us worse than even ohio state could.

2. Penn State - its october 19th, the nits have six wins, and they STILL havent beaten anyone yet. sad.

3. Ohio State - with all of the anti terrelle pryor talk going on around town, people have somehow forgotten just how shitty the defense played in the huge embarrassment failure against purdue. then again, thats what happens when you play a soft zone ALL DAY LONG and refuse to even dabble in man coverage. its not exceptionally hard for team one to beat team two when the first team knows whats the second team is going to run every play.

4. Michigan State - sparty has quietly won three straight games to get themselves right back in the conference title picture, while their little brothers from down state beat up on poor defenseless delaware state. yes, i will take any opportunity at all to dog on the wolverweenies.

5. Wisconsin - the badgers will likely go undefeated the rest of their regular season slate after dropping two straight to the buckeyes and hawkeyes, the only two ranked opponents they play all season. jump around. jump up jump up and get down.

6. Michigan - still not sure what i think about michigan. besides my pure hatred for them anyway. theyve lost two games on the road by less than a touchdown each against two good teams in iowa and michigan state. penn state comes to ann arbor this weekend, so that should be a good game. in any case, screw blue.

7. Purdue - losers of five straight, the only chance the boilers had on saturday was if the buckeyes turned the ball over time and time again, and ran the same defensive scheme for every snap of the ball all day long. and that is exactly what happened. kudos to purdue for a great gameplan.

8. Northwestern - the nerds are in trouble down the stretch with their schedule. they will be lucky to get to .500 and a meaningless bowl game. NERDS!

9. Minnesota - the season isnt going as planned for minnesota. what they need is an opponent that is completely predictable and relies on interceptions for touchdowns to win games against inferior teams. the cure for what ails ya? at ohio state this weekend.

10. Indiana - even indiana beats illinois.

11. Illinois - illinois even loses to indiana.

Big Ten Score Predictions...

its friday, im not wearing any pants, and its time to predict some big ten college football. let do this...

Saturday October 16th, 2009

(11) Iowa at Wisconsin
12:00pm - ESPN
Line: WISC -2.5

Wagg says: Iowa 27-21
Morgan says: Iowa 17-14

Northwestern at Michigan State
12:00pm - ESPN2
Line: MSU -12.5

Wagg says: Michigan State 31-14
Morgan says: Michigan State 21-17

Delaware State at Michigan
12:00pm - Big Ten Network
No Line

Wagg says: Michigan 38-3
Morgan says: Michigan 2-0

Minnesota at (14) Penn State
3:30pm - ABC
Line: PSU -16.5

Wagg says: Penn State 24-21
Morgan says: Penn State 31-14

Illinois at Indiana
7:00pm - Big Ten Network
Line: ILLINOIS -2

Wagg says: Illinois 1-0
Morgan says: Illinois 3-0

(7) Ohio State at Purdue
12:00pm - Big Ten Network
Line: OSU -13.5

Wagg says: Ohio State 38-7
Morgan says: Ohio State 28-10

go bucks. go buckeyes. yea ohio.

What Have We Learned?

well, its thursday again, which can only mean one thing. its time for the weekly "what did we learn this week?" blog entry from team secret falcon. we do this every week. you know.

WHAT DID WE LEARN THIS WEEK...

among the most important things that we learned were facts and held true to be factual in the grand scheme of things at the end of the day this week all the time, was that its best to get to know someone before you go off and jump into bed with them. gail and dale from delaware, OH have this to say...

"when we met, it was all passion. we 'made it' together wherever we went - farm houses, animal shelters, storm drains, port-o-potties, friches big boy every sunday morning, michael j fox, aarons party, come get it - everywhere. but the initial i-want-to-rip-your-clothes-off-and-teach-you-ten-ways-to-call-me-big-papa feeling only lasted so long. the rest of our relationship has been built on mutual respect. and a strong family-first foundation. and rock n roll."

its also important to remember that some of historys greatest relationships (romeo and juliet, sam and dave, isiah and marbury) were forged in times of great peril. that is to say, if you want something with someone to last for some time, introduce a dangerous and untamed variable into the mix. like a great big bloody bengal tiger. or a large snake. or a small snake. any snake will do, really.

getting the most out of your money is something that people in my bland office building are always worrying about. they say things to me like "hey morgan, tell me how to protect my investments" or "morgan, thats my wife you are making out with" or "what if the movie 'tremors' was real?" i dont have answers to any of those questions, though i will tell you that your wife tastes like watermellon. which is something i really appreciate about her.

what else have we learned this week?

we know that bill wagg has a new blog, which is likely the most fantastic and disturbing news that i have ever heard in my entire life. and i dont think that is me being overly dramatic either. this new endeavor will either lead to something magical and fantastic, or it will without question directly cause the inevitable destruction of all mankind. you cannot question me on this matter. i know what i am talking about.

we have learned that cocaine is a hell of a drug, and that crack is cheap.

we know that reading to your children before they go to bed causes their brains to function at a higher pace, which leads to night terrors, which in turn will cause uncontrollable explosive diarrhea. never a good thing. be a good parent and never read to your kids. its probably best that they never even learn to read at all. teach them a "twin language" that only they and you can understand. it worked for keith richards. and jodie foster.

we have learned that when you are witness to the greatest film actor of all-time, you have a duty as a human being to pass it on so that others have a chance to be a part of something important.

we know that it is cold outside, and that as people who feel things and like to talk about those feelings, we are obligated to say phrases like "its cold outside" or "its really cold outside" to other people who can feel and touch and taste and love.

we have learned that when you have nothing to blog about, you can ramble on for a few paragraphs about nothing and publish it anyway. because the internet is real. im not even kidding.

the internet is real.

Most Underrated Beatles Songs...

the strange thing about my obsession with the beatles is that it seemingly hasnt subsided since i was fourteen - it has only grown stronger. since i am in a pretty heavy white album / let it be phase of my life right now, i have found myself thinking how underrated songs from those two particular albums are.

you are all familiar with the most popular of beatles songs, of which there is certainly no shortage. hey jude, a day in the life, i want to hold your hand, let it be, lady madonna, she loves you, all you need is love, revolution, twist and shout, i saw her standing there, love me do, and all my loving are songs that even casual beatles fans know almost by heart. but what about the hidden gems that are routinely ignored? its not that they arent great songs, they are simply overshadowed by their uber popular bigger brothers.

its logical - there are only so many months in a year, and only so much time to release singles off of an album before the next album hits the stores. especially in the 1960s, where albums were written, recorded, and released at an almost nonstop pace throughout a bands career so the parent label could monetarily benefit from a groups success as much as possible before the public grew tired of them, or they grew tired of themselves.

the following list is my top twenty most underrated beatles songs of all-time. if you havent heard them, you need to hear them. clicking on the song link will take you to a youtube video of the song itself.

this isnt a list for the most insane beatles fans on the planet - this is a list for people who know a few songs, like the beatles, but dont know where to go from there. also, i didnt include any songs from sgt peppers because of how widely it is considered the best rock album of all-time.

this is just one small insignificant young mans opinion.

team secret falcon - exposing the masses to the most popular band ever assembled, forty years after they broke up. its a thankless job...

TOP TWENTY MOST UNDERRATED BEATLES SONGS...

20. "You Won't See Me" - Rubber Soul
jane, you ignorant slut. a great little song written by paul mccartney about his troubles with then girlfriend jane asher. the public had been used to short poppy songs about young puppy love and this was an unexpected break from that, showing that beatles too were capable of being heart broken and being walked out on. excuse me if i dont feel too bad for paul, who was likely pulling an astronomical amount of tail at this point in his life. boo hoo, cry me a river...

19. "I've Just Seen a Face" - Rubber Soul
if you have seen paul mccartney performing in concert or on television, chances are you have heard this song - its one of his live staples. also, i am fairly certain that agent 99 covered it either at some point in the past or currently. it makes sense - aside from the sweeping few bars of acoustic finger picking in the intro, its a rather simplistic guitar song to play for those of us who have mastered the G, Em, C, D chord progression. an up-tempo piece, its easy to call it a bluegrass inspired song lacking a banjo and fiddle.

18. "Good Day Sunshine" - Revolver
paul mccartney went into the studio specifically trying to write and upbeat happy tune, and he more than accomplished it with "good day sunshine." instrumentally, its just paul and ringo with a delightful little piano solo by george martin, who was responsible for more of the piano / harpsichord portions of beatles songs than most people are aware. george and john provide excellent backup vocals, especially in the last few closing bars of the song. its a nice song that will make you feel happy when you are a wee bit sad. except if your genitals have been eaten off by fire ants. theres no getting over that.

17. "I'm Down" - Past Masters Vol. 1
yes, i know - "i'm down" was actually the b-side to the "help!" single, but i thought id list it as being on past masters in case you wanted to run out and buy the song in album form. which i am sure most of you will. one of the most frenzied of beatles songs, "i'm down" was a staple in the beatles live shows - most notibly at the historical performance at shea stadium in august of 1965. and on the ed sullivan show.

16. "Kansas City / Hey Hey Hey Hey" - Beatles For Sale
while it is technically a medley, "kansas city / hey hey hey hey" is a combination of little richard songs - though i dont really buy into that considering its really two short song segments played together and is only two and a half minutes long. in any case, it is a rocking little ditty and again shows mccartneys ability to get all rock-n-rolly with the best of them. thanks to "twist and shout", many people feel that john was the only beatle capable to getting nasty, but paul shows time and time again that he is more than up to the task. "oh, darling!" jumps immediately to mind as a good example of how completely right i am.

15. "Till There Was You" - With The Beatles
originally a song from "the music man", paul mccartney adapted it to a beatles friendly version in 1962. i seem to remember hearing an interview with paul one time where he mentioned it being their "look we can play sensitive music too" song that they would pull out at live performances in germany (where they had a couple long engagements before becoming the world famous group we know them as today) and while auditioning for record labels. fantastic song.

14. "Real Love" - Anthology 2
i love this song for many reasons. one of which being georges subtle yet intense guitar solo in the middle. another being the video which i linked, with all of its wonderful videos clips of the 60s and the day paul, george, and ringo got together to record the song with the help of johns leftover tapes in the 90s. i love the distant sound of johns voice. i love, as always, ringos drumming. so historically underrated. simply a fantastic song.

13. "Glass Onion" - The White Album
john lennon wrote "glass onion" in response to all of the attention being paid to the alleged hidden meanings in sgt peppers lonely hearts club band album. he included references to many songs, such as "lady madonna" "i am the walrus" "strawberry fields forever" "fixing a hole" and "the fool on the hill" - but the portion that caused the most stir was the line "the walrus was paul", which was later thought to be a clue in the "paul is dead" conspiracy. john confessed that the line was a bit of a shout-out to his buddy paul, who he had seen better days with from a friendship perspective. also, there is a sweet version of "glass onion" on the love soundtrack, though it is a bit short for my taste.

12. "Dig a Pony" - Let It Be
usually i can do without nonsensical babble lyrics, but in john lennons case i tend to make exceptions. while the song makes very little sense, it was written for yoko ono which pretty much explains why john can "do a road hog, where you can penetrate any place you go" - classic ono nonsense. paul provides his usual brilliant backup vocals, which you can tell from the video that john approves of. the video itself is from the famous rooftop concert - enjoy.

11. "Drive My Car" - Rubber Soul
yeah, sure, "drive my car" is a pretty well-known beatles song, but i have always thought that it doesnt get the respect it deserves. it is literally dripping with sexual innuendo, and the mid-song guitar solo (which was paul, not george) is, in my opinion, one of the top five in the entire fab four catalog. the song was one of those that just popped into mccartney head, which probably causes musicians all over the world to hate him from the very depths of their souls. "ive got no car and its breaking my heart, but ive found a driver and thats a start" - classic.

10. "Martha My Dear" - The White Album
its hard to say who this song is about, as mccartney has said at different times that it was inspired by jane asher, linda mccartney, his old english sheepdog martha, and by inspiration itself. i think there are a small few people on this planet who could be inspired by inspiration, and paul mccartney is definitely one of them. whomever the subject is, the song is delightful. paul is credited with lead vocals, drums, piano, bass, lead guitar, handclaps, brass, and string arrangement. reason number five million and seven why he is the greatest popular musician of all-time.

9. "Happiness is a Warm Gun" - The White Album
one of the few true lennon/mccartney collaborations on the white album, john lennon wrote "happiness is a warm gun" in three separate sections following his reading of an advertisement in a gun magazine george martin gave him saying the very thing. he thought it was an insane thing to say, since a gun being warm indicates that you just shot something. with the help of paul, john molded the three parts into the song that is perhaps the best song on the album. it is a well-known fact that it was pauls favorite.

8. "And Your Bird Can Sing" - Revolver
another lennon song where the meaning of the lyrics is up for debate - sounds familiar, eh? whatever they mean, be it a roundabout way of poking fun at frank sinatra or a response to cynthia lennons gift of a mechanical caged bird, the song is wonderful. the dual harmony guitar riff between paul and george that the song is remembered for is second to none in the classic licks category. there is an earlier version on one of the anthology albums that is good as well.

7. "I've Got a Feeling" - Let It Be
if you are looking for great lennon/mccartney collaboration from later in their beatles career, look no further than "ive got a feeling", a song that combines mccartneys "ive got a feeling" and lennons "everybody had a hard year" - both originally scraps from the white album recording sessions. add in a fantastic running guitar riff from george harrison, a few nice fills from ringo, and inspired keyboards from billy preston, and you have one of the most underrated beatles songs ever. the link is another clip from their rooftop concert, which has a few comments from the people gathered on the street and their varying thoughts on the performance.

6. "Two of Us" - Let It Be
the original version was fast and upbeat, but paul decided that he was allergic to things that sucked, so he rewrote the song and it became the version of "two of us" that we know and love today. though the song was written about linda, the fact that its a duet between paul and john and its called "two of us" cant be ignored, and it seems like a running commentary on their relationship at the time. in his 1980 playboy interview, john claims he wrote the song about yoko. i am not buying it. im calling bullshit, lennon.

5. "I Will" - The White Album
when george harrison hijacked the band and made them go on their spiritual retreat to india, the only instrument they could take was an acoustic guitar - hence many of the songs from the white album were written on guitar instead of piano, including "i will". a song about paul future wife linda, it required close to seventy takes in order to get it right and features paul not only on lead vocal and guitar, but also on vocal bass. a beautiful, classic song in every way possible.

4. "Savoy Truffle" - The White Album
the first and only george harrison song on my countdown is an all-time classic. written about eric claptons chocolate addiction, the song warns the listener of tooth decay associated with eating sweets with the line "but youll have to have them all pulled out after the savoy truffle" - good advice for us all. i love the distorted saxaphones. i love everything about this song. without question one of georges best.

3. "Golden Slumbers / Carry That Weight / The End" - Abbey Road
ahh yes, the golden slumbers medley. the very reason i am a beatles fan to this day. i recall my mother playing this song on the piano when i was young, and i thought the golden slumbers portion was so sad that i had to go in the other room to hide the fact that i was tearing up / crying. the line "once there was a way to get back home" made me think of being separated from my family in a far away land and not being able to return to them. i was a bit of a bitch when i was a kid, i know. the line "boy youre gonna carry that weight, carry that weight a long time" is likely paul taking a jab at john for allowing his relationship with yoko ono to be the catalyst to the band breaking up for good, and the back and forth guitar solos in "the end" between john, paul, and george is disgustingly awesome. and finally, the line "and in the end the love you take is equal to the love you make" is as fitting of a way to end a bands recording career that anyone could ever come up with. i love these songs so much that it hurts.

2. "Revolution 1" - The White Album
"revolution 1" is the original version of the more upbeat revolution song that you hear today. released on side two of disc two of the white album, it was the version lennon wanted to release as a single before the rest of the band talked him out of it, deeming it "too slow." personally, i enjoy this version much more than the single version, as it allows you to really understand the lyrics and message better than you do when the song is cranked up to eleven. its far more bluesy, and you know i can dig that.

1. "Everybody's Got Something To Hide Except For Me and My Monkey" - The White Album
more yoko ono inspired lyrical nonsense! hurray! all kidding aside, i love love love this song because its simply a stripped down rock and roll song that doesnt screw around and kicks you directly in the face over and over again from start to finish. its not trying to be anything bigger than it is, and it doesnt care what you think about it. the "me and my monkey" aspect is clearly referring to lennon and some racial-slur-inspired nickname for yoko. the "everybodys got something to hide" lyric is in reference to the fact that her presence was causing tension between john and the rest of the band, who were less than thrilled about her constantly being around during recording sessions. in any case, this song kicks ass and it never gets any credit for being as awesome as it is.

THE FINAL TALLY...

McCartney Songs: 11
Lennon Songs: 8
Harrison Songs: 1
Ringo Songs: 0

White Album: 7
Let It Be: 3
Rubber Soul: 3
Revolver: 2
Abbey Road: 1
With The Beatles: 1
Past Masters: 1
Anthology: 1
Beatles For Sale: 1

i know there is going to be some serious feedback on this entry, so let the good times roll...

thoughts?

The US Economy...

today is monday. monday is one of the worst things in the world. only thats okay, because today is actually tuesday and thats not so bad. not as bad as monday, which is one of the most terrible and worst things i have ever seen.

in that same light, i think its important to discuss what is going on with the economy. you see, when a lot of people are making money, its called "economics" and thats a good thing. when there are not as many people making as much money, that is also called "economics" but in a different way. in a bad way. and thats not good, thats bad.

in order for bad economics to become good economics (which would be good) its important for people to start making more money than they did at a previous time, but not so long ago that they were actually making more money. that would complicate things and cause confusion, which would likely lead to china taking the lead in the best country contest. that would be bad because people with black skin or white skin are universally thought to be better at olympic sports that people with not black skin or white skin. and the olympics is where you really find out who is better at what then someone else at something.

but back to the economy.

the economy lives in washington dc, and is roommates with the president. now lets not be ridiculous and start thinking of the economy of something that is physically alive, because its not. its not a human being. its more like a dog.

the economy is like a dog because if it got hit by a car and died, you would be sad for a little while but then would eventually forget that it ever existed because it doesnt have a soul and you cant actually really love something that isnt alive and doesnt have a soul. and im not saying that dogs arent alive. or that the economy isnt alive. because it is. they both are. but they dont have souls.

the economy is roommates with the president. naturally, they get into fights sometimes. like when the president eats the economys honey bunches of oats and doesnt replace it when he goes to kroger. or piggly wiggly. likely piggly wiggly.

when the president and the economy are in a fight, it is called an "economic downturn", and this can only be reversed when the economy and the president decide that its all good and they can stop being such fags all the time. right now the economy is being a total fag, and the president is all "dont you know that the word fag hurts people and you shouldnt use it?" and the economy is all "thats not fair, im not trying to be a dick to gay people, im just saying a word" and OMGBARACK!!!11!1 is like "yeah but still, you shouldnt say that word."

and until one of them stops being a total fag, the economy is going to continue to suffer in the lives of US americans who live in this country all over the world.

a good way for everyday people to help the economy is to keep in top physical shape. in order to accomplish this, its important to use proper judgement when living your life all the time. for instance, investing in a nicotine habit can only increase the amount of money you spend at gas stations, which in turn will cause gas stations to hire more ethnic indian type people who barely speak english, which in turn will cause more people to move here from indian type places, which will cause the population to go up, in turn creating more tax revenue for the US american form of government.

also, buying a goldfish probably wouldnt be a bad idea. the fish food market has been down in recent years, and many top business men who are drunks that sleep in the back of my office building are always talking about how this fine country of north america runs on the fish food industry. and you cant argue with logic like that.

so id say that we have a pretty good thing going here. its not even monday because its tuesday, and the president and economy are on the right track to figuring out a way to evenly split the electric bill because its not fair that they both pay the same amount when the economy uses way more electricity because of the two computers and flatscreen TV in his room.

plan a vacation with your kids!

Team Secret Radio...

the podcastings shall continue until group morale improves!!!!!!!!!!!!!

omg.

join us for another terrible episode of team secret radio, where we will talk about complete and total nothingness until you are so bored that your genitals fall off.

either click on the link on the right side of the page, or go to the itunes store and search "team secret radio" - which is what our show is called. which is why you should search for it. unless you are looking for something else. in which case, get out of my life forever.

such is mango.

Weekend Recap...

seeing as how i didnt recap last weeks big ten games, its time for DOUBLE RECAP INSANITY brought to you by the good folks over at trevors house of eat. do yourself a favor - go to trevors and let them put some hot food in your mouth.

you wont be sorry.

Last Two Weeks...

Wagg Predictions: 10-3
Wagg ATS: 7-4

Morgan Predictions: 11-2
Morgan ATS: 6-5

For The Season...

Wagg Predictions: 36-15 (71%)
Morgan Predictions: 40-11 (78%)

Wagg ATS: 18-25 (42%)
Morgan ATS: 18-25 (42%)

its a shame they dont let you gamble on every game based soley on who you think is going to win and lose, because if they didnt i would, like, still not have any money because i dont gamble. but what if i did? what if you combined both hypothetical situations?

i bet you never thought of it like that, did you?

i just blew your mind.

Big Ten Power Rankings

October 11th, 2009

1. Ohio State - what is left say about the silver bullet defense? they keep getting better and better every game, and the performance against wisky was nothing short of magical. take away the fake field goal touchdown that special team gave up, and they limited the badgers to six whole points while taking two pick-six's to the house. the game in a few weeks vs iowa looks, for now, to be the defacto big ten championship game. woot! woot!

2. Iowa - the hawkeyes are 5-0 for the first time since 1984, and you cant help but get a sense out of iowa city that something special is happening this season. the schedule doesnt get any easier in the next five weeks, where they must travel to wisconsin, michigan state, and ohio state. that being said, we already know a lot about this hawkeye squad - they are good, and they find ways to win.

3. Penn State - the nittany lions took a break from their embarassing out of conference schedule this week to take on the mighty bombjacks (tecmo super bowl humor) from eastern illinois. and, shocker, they won 52-3. which means nothing to me.

4. Wisconsin - wisky fans find themselves traveling back to the land of cheese this morning wondering how they can outgain a team 368-184, win the battle of possesion 42:47 to 17:13, give up one offensive touchdown, and still find a way to lose. well bucky badger, ohio state was better on defense and special teams, and thats two out of three. and two out of three aint bad.

5. Michigan State - dont let the 10 point win on the scoreboard fool you - sparty dominated the illini. but at what cost? the injury bug jumped up and bit the spartans on the ass, and the green and white fans now wait with faded breath to learn how long their boys will be out. how dramtic was that write-up? nice.

6. Michigan - one week calista forcier is the toast of college football, the next he is being pulled by dickrod in favor of someone who can actually move the ball. expect denard (actual name - take that, spell check) comes in and throws a pick in the final minute of the game - and poof! - michigan is exposed for a second straight week for being the paper tiger that it is. congrats on those wins over eastern michigan, western michigan, and the squeaker over indiana - quite a resume you are building yourself.

7. Minnesota - .......and this is where the rankings become meaningless. the bottom five teams in the conference have been very unimpressive thus far, and i dont really have much to say about any of them. especially minnesota. we will see what they are made of in the second half of the season where they will play PSU, OSU, MSU, and iowa. my guess is that they arent made of much, if anything at all.

8. Northwestern - you know when you are hanging your hat on a win against purdue, you are likely a no-talent-butt-kisser. NERDS!

9. Purdue - sitting at 1-5, the boilers are coming off of their first actual blow-out failure of the season. before the 15 point loss to the gophers, purdues had lost their games by 2, 6, 3, and 6. and now i can officially end my penchant for picking them to beat anyone. so thats nice.

10. Indiana - you have to be some kind of awful to go to virginia and lose by 40. and indiana most certainly falls under that category. in everything except mens soccer.

11. Illinois - its a sad day for a prognosticator when your darkhorse team for the league title is sitting in the basement of your own power rankings after six games. illinois keeps finding ways to lose, and ron zook may be looking for a new job if this craptacular nonsense keeps up. which it will.