Goodbye, 2009...

as we near another transition of one year into another, i cant help but think what a fantastic and glorious year 2009 was. we learned much. we watched as history was made. we beat the shit out of children because it made up feel strong while we were drunk on gas station vodka. we laughed, we cried, we hurled.

THINGS I LEARNED IN 2009

* some people take great offense to status updates on facebook. say, a status update where someone goes out of their way to insult someone or something to an extent that is so clearly over-the-top that it can only be taken seriously by a person who has ever seriously believed that a political figure has the power to change the world. it doesnt matter who your vote goes to for president, and i dont really hate women. come on.

* its okay to abuse your children, so long as you are drunk on gas station vodka.

* its not prostitution if you have feelings for the hooker.

* girls dont like it when you tell them that you can tell they are "putting on their winter weight".

* martina hingis is the greatest womens tennis player of all-time in the hot-bitch-who-does-tons-of-coke category.

* actual gay people dont care if you say the word "fag" - because they say "fag" waaaaaay more than you could ever say "fag".

* when a homeless vet is holding a sign that reads "spare change, please" it is likely his eyes are really saying "awesome high five, please" - even if he spits at you when you try to touch him and starts screaming about the FBI. thats just his mouth saying that. his eyes are still begging for the high five.

* getting to third base with a girl is easier when she thinks you drive a really nice car. hahaha! gotcha, hussie! i drive a buick!

* the apex of karate dominance is probably when you start killing bad guys in your sleep.

* a great way to get a baby to stop crying is to shake that baby until it stops crying.

* the friction between black people and white people could likely be solved by either white people using more sugar in their kool aid or black people using less. racial harmony.

* while its true that not all asian people know karate, can you really afford to take that chance?

* no one really know exactly how much fish pee you consume in your life by drinking 8 glasses of water a day, but its agreed on by scientists that the number is probably somewhat insane.

* if your company hires a new secretary, the president asks you what you think of her job performance, and you respond by saying "well ted, it certainly doesnt make me want to railroad her any less" you are likely one hilarious son of a bitch.

* a good way to get a girl to spend the night at your apartment is to steal her shoes. she cant go anywhere without shoes! and she cant call the cops if shes dead.

happy new year!

Post From My Blackberry...

I'm not sure how I feel about this. But ill give it a shot anyway...

So I agreed to meet Barndo and Brigid and Kenny and Bernon and Stella at Cosi ( not the center of science and industry as I originally believed) for lunch at 1pm. I arrived at 12:35 because I am always early to everything, and was informed by Barndo via phone call that they would all be around 30 minutes late. No big deal, I'll just type up a quick blog entry.

So let's talk about a few things that I am feeling jolly and thankful for this holiday season.

1. Landsharks. Not the Columbus major league lacrosse team, but Landsharks that trick you into opening your front door then savagely attack you by eating you with their mouth right on your head.

That's pretty much all I am thankful for.

Things To Do On Your Lunch Hour...

one of my biggest fears is that someday i wont have anything to do on my lunch hour, so i will just keep working and wont eat, causing a chain of events that culminate in my slow, painful death via starvation.

so i decided to jot down a list of things i could do on my lunch hour that would guarantee that i would survive well into the 21st century, whenever that happens to start.

now i will share this list with you.

THINGS TO DO ON YOUR LUNCH HOUR

- invent a new language, like, maybe, a mix between spanish and english. teach it to your children, and raise them to hate minorities. that last part is just for fun.

- go hiking on a trail that not many people know exist. it doesnt have to be secluded. it doesnt even have to be real. it could even be the street your office is on. just walk down the street. go on a walk down the street.

- make a new friend. be honest with them and tell them all about yourself. tell them about your mom and dad. tell them how you killed that guy in indiana last year when you were really drunk. its probably not wise to tell your new friend about that, though. you should probably kill your new friend. meeting new people is dangerous.

- ask your boss for a raise. when he refuses, tell him you have pictures of him and his secretary making babies at the company christmas party last year. when he says that this is impossible because he had his genitals removed during a painful surgery after a car accident in the mid 80s, tell him that he shouldnt bring his personal problems into the office. gross.

- take a beginner karate class. upon arrival, seek out the most advanced child in the facility and punch him as hard as you can directly in the face. KARATE CHAMPION.

- shake a baby until it stops crying.

- pick up your phone, dial a number at random, and tell the person on the other end that if they ever want to see their child alive again, they will meet you at the designated point with the cash in hand. immediately hang up. they will be pretty relieved when they realize its just a joke.

- eat foods.

- cheat on your wife.

- make a funny noise.

- go "all the way" (see: cheat on your wife)

- tell a coworker that has low self-esteem that if you were them, you definitely would have killed yourself a long time ago. they will appreciate your recognition of their longevity.

good luck!

Why Marriage Sucks...

i do most of my best thinking in the shower. this morning, while lathering myself up something fierce with softsoap mens body wash, i was thinking about tiger woods. the best time to think about tiger is in the shower. if you catch my drift, sailor.

tiger reminded me of how THE LAST THING IN THE WORLD i want to do with my life is get married. i began to think about all of the reasons why marriage is a terrible, awful, no good, very bad decision, and i thought i would put them in list form so you could benefit from them as well.

you can thank me later.

REASONS WHY MARRIAGE IS PLAYED OUT

- the only reasons you should ever get married is if one person got the other person pregnant, or one person is financially hardass and the other person pretends to love them for that reason and that reason alone. very few people get married for these reasons anymore. and thats just really sad.

- you know why women are smiling when they walk down the aisle? its because they know they can stop pretending to like sports. women are evil. lets try to remember that.

- every generation has this insane thought that they are going to somehow raise the next generation to have these great lives and be the happiest most complete people possible. why cant that be this generation? why cant i have a great life and have all my dreams come true and drive a sweet car and pound snatch every night until the cows come home? must i really project such wonderful nonsense on my poor, unsuspecting ADD-ridden offspring who are the result of the lethal combination of a one night stand with a young lass with severe daddy issues and a case of mango passion boones farm? no thanks, i dont play by your rules.

- have you ever heard those married type people getting into passive-aggressive arguments about something stupid and trivial like the husband leaving the toilet seat up? explain to me exactly how much harder it is for you to put the seat down than it is for us to put the seat up? if anything, its easier to put the seat down just because of gravity. you know, gravity - that law of the universe that keeps your fat ass planted on the couch all day long eating bon-bons and yelling at sammy on days of our lives for being such a dirty tramp? get out of my life forever.

- a good way to get a baby to stop crying is to shake that baby until it stops crying.

- men are not programmed to be monogamous for sixty years, and thats a fact. for you women out there who constantly strive to better understand your male partners, allow me to explain to you very quickly how a male brain works. it has two settings - IMPREGNATE AS MANY BITCHES AS POSSIBLE and SLEEP. when not engaged in the SLEEP mode, the male brain is completely consumed and fueled by, well, you know. telling a man to accept the fact that he will only be unleashing his fury onto one set of ovaries for the rest of his life is one thing - telling a man to accept the fact that the one set of ovaries will likely use sex as a weapon and hold out on him on a regular basis because someone is "too tired" or "has a headache" or "doesnt feel pretty" is another story all together. so, in short, dont be surprised when you walk into your little suburban love nest one day in the not-too-distant-future and your mr right is rolling twelve deep in your bed with the female cast of tool academy. it is going to happen.

- the next time you are at a wedding and the bride and groom are dismissing you third-grade-style from your church pew, shake the grooms hand and whisper into his ear "congrats, travis - the government is now officially involved in your relationship." see what his face looks like. commit that look to memory. remember it when you are thinking of asking your girlfriend to take the plunge. this is real life, you son of a bitch - and recess is over.

- you know why they charge so much for divorces? because they can. because people will pay anything to get out of their marriages. because its worth it.

merry christmas!

I Need a Babysitter...

i need a babysitter for myself. please email me if you fall into a significant number of the following categories...

- has hair.
-wears t-shirts sometimes.
- can touch the net.
- knows lyrics to "no diggity".
- drinks mountain dew.
- is not an asian male.
- likes nice things.
- hates mean stuff.
- likes to pet cats.
- can ride bike with one hand on handle bar.
- knows what "totally krossed out" means.
- once owned a pair of birkenstocks.
- once owned a pair of doc martens.
- knows lyrics to at least one cranberries song.
- admits to actually liking "titanic".
- knows who dr cliff huxtable is.
- has arm hair.
- knows enough karate to get by.
- thinks about stuff and wonders about things.
- has criminal information on dave matthews.
- is trained on windows 95.
- doesnt give a damn for at least one state in the union.
- knows at least one think that makes you go "mmmmm".
- has brought a hamster back to life.
- know whats to do when you are surrounded by 10,000 angry indians and there seems to be only one way out.
- has never thrown a live human infant to the ground because she saw a spider (......MOM.)
- has designed their own course on excitebike.
- has smaller hands than me.
- loves nature and plays all day.
- can hold their breath under water for a really long time.
- can punch so hard.
- has at one time put a jolly rancher into a bottle of zima.
- doesnt drive an SUV.
- has beaten the main bad guy.
- has heard the wolf cry to the blue corn moon.
- has had an instant message conversation with billy gillman.
- has done crystal meth at least nine times.
- has sold their body for drugs.
- has sold their body for crystal meth at least nine times.
- can track packages via ups.com
- has had a gay experience (a GOOD one) in any branch of the military.
- is afraid of thaddeus gibson.
- has been in trouble.
- likes soft hair.

so, yeah, let me know.

thanks.

Helpful Holiday Hints...

the holidays are the time of year we associate most with the following people - santa claus, the easter bunny, and mary tyler moore.

many people find it hard to make it through these next couple of months, either because they have recently lost loved ones or they are total pussies. either way, i thought it would be a good idea to drop a few ideas on your face to help you move more effortlessly through this holiday season of 2009.

enjoy...

HOLIDAY HINTS 2K9...

- if you cant really afford presents for your kids this year, instead of going into debt for ten minutes of wrapping paper induced happiness, try not buying them anything at all. if they ask why there arent any presents, tell them its because santa was murdered. if they as how he was killed, tell them that he owed money to a pimp. if they ask what a pimp is, tell them he is a man that owns women and then makes those women have sex with men for money and then takes the money that the women earn for having sex with the men. if they ask any further questions, quickly change the subject. there are some things that children shouldnt know about.

- its probably a good idea to get drunk, call up one of your ex's who just got married and tell them what a huge mistake they have made. they will see the 3am phone call as a sign that you are finally ready to fully commit. no one can love them like you can.

- adopt a puppy, then sell that puppy to a wealthy business man for six hundred dollars. PROFIT!

- try to remember that sexual harassment has no place in the workplace. unless its that new receptionist maggie who wears those low-cut shirts and is always totally asking for it.

- have a friend who is hard to shop for? take a sharp knife and make a medium-sized incision on your lower thigh. when the blood begins to pool on the floor, slowly mop it up with a single sheet of store brand paper towel. put the paper towel in a ziplock bag and give it to your friend while whispering "now we can be together forever" directly into their ear.

- a good way to get a baby to stop crying is to shake that baby until it stops crying.

- dressing your animals up like familiar holiday characters, then taking pictures of them, then sending those pictures into some sort of picture contest will really help you keep your mind off of the fact that you are 47 years old and have never slept with anyone.

- reminder: chinese restaurants are open on christmas day. chinese people do not respect santa claus. chinese people have no soul.

happy holidays!

Very, Very Sick...

as i lay on the couch in a heap of mucus and long-abandoned tissues, i feel fairly certain, now more than ever, that i am close to death. my cat abbey senses this and flanks my every move, pushing herself closer and closer to my face in one desperate last ditch effort to stop evil gnomes from stealing my soul when i exhale during my H1N1-induced slumber.

also, the cold medicine is causing me to hallucinate.

i tried to get up and make it to work - really, i did. my intention was to sit at my desk and slowly watch the minutes roll by, as the effervescent power of alka-seltzer cough and cold willed me inch by inch towards the finish line.

alas, my effort was in vain. mere moments after setting my feet on the carpet floor, my head savagely reminded me that any physical activity more intense than drifting in and out of conciseness in front of the TV and giving in to short bursts of bladder emptying would be an unwise course of action, and would be duly punished via a strong swimming sensation in my brains and subsequent loss of balance, culminating in an unexpected trip to the living room floor and sudden and extreme loss of bowel control.

hows that for a run-on sentence, mrs hasebrook?

in any case, due to the fact that i will likely soon meet my maker, i thought it wise to repost an entry from earlier this year which detailed what you should expect to encounter while attending my funeral.

enjoy...

my buddy cary over at "mental spillings from the nutshell" had a delightfully entertaining blog entry the other day. he went into great detail describing what he thought his funeral would be like, and it got me to thinking that i could easily rip-off his idea and pass it along as my own.

by the time you get done reading this entry, you will probably have forgotten that i even mentioned that cary came up with the idea first. and this is how i have made you an official addict of team secret falcon. consider yourself part of the collective.

here, have this cup of kool-aide. but dont try it just yet - we are all going to drink it together, at the same time...

My Funeral

lets just assume for arguments sake that i have been killed at a relatively young age, which shouldnt be hard to imagine if you have known me longer than fifteen minutes. this way everyone that i know at this moment would probably be able to attend.

no open casket - i have always thought that was hella gross. plus, my face is probably mangled due to the car accident / wolf attack. oh yeah, thats how i died by the way. my car crashed into a den of wolf puppies, and the mother wolf was so upset that she mauled me to death. bummer!

there are two TVs next to my urn. one is showing a collection of pictures from various times during my life - cub scout baseball, parties at bernons house, 10th avenue nonsense, church functions, family christmas cards, school dances, pictures of me and josh cramer high fiving. the other TV is showing a constant loop of ron lewis' last second three against xavier to force overtime in the second round of the 2007 NCAA tournament, because that be my most favorite buckeye moment of all-time.

in memory of my most treasured moment from the campus of ohio state, my friend mr kissy face is wearing only a child-sized donavan mcnabb jersey, and is naked from the waist down. he is also visibly drunk on gas station vodka. he is also yelling at people.

a few of my friends and relatives are out front smoking cigarettes. one of them casually observes that if i knew i were going to die this young i would have never quit smoking. they are right, because smoking is delicious and you should never give it up unless someone threatens to cut off your genitals if you dont. worked for me!

ashley and her doctor friends (tina, lindsay, julian) are standing in the corner chatting each other up, and they remind ashley that they told her way back in 2009 i would never propose to her in my lifetime. they were right.

paige is hungover and hasnt showered in days. sonja and chrissie try to comfort her as she is near hysterics while screaming, "i should have gone to freshman year homecoming with him!!!!!!!!"

barndo was originally sad when he got there but now he cant remember what he is feeling, as he is too consumed in watching youtube clips on his blackberry. kenny looks on in shame, as bernon chats up several friends while holding her daughter. the friends wonder to themselves why she brought her baby to a freaking funeral.

my mom is going around shaking peoples hands and trying to get their email addresses for agent 99's mailing list. funerals are a great place to network!

ian asks alison where rob and erdman are. alison tells ian that they were not invited. no wedding invitation, no funeral invitation. thats just how the world works, she tells him. ian gives pete a subdued high five as ron lewis hits yet another three to send the game into overtime.

stradtman and nick finally show up, and nick begins pushing CDs of "my morning jacket" onto anyone who will listen. kathleen remembers the hilarious joke about "my evening underwears" i made one time (before i was mauled to death by a wolf) in cincinnati, and laughs softfly to herself. nick tells my brother peter "they are great - they arent led zeppelin, but they are great." peter says that he doesnt even know what that is supposed to mean. cory immediately crashes into the group and tells them of the time she saw "mmj" at the newport and hung out with them after the show. then she went to the north market and got some cheese and crackers. you know, a nice little afternoon before going to comfest and drinking some microbrews. people feign interest in her story.

lindsay cowbreath is taller than most of the men in attendance. someone takes her picture and she reminds herself to untag it on facebook when she gets home. kristy and lori are holding hands while wearing scarfs. it is eighty-five degrees outside, and the scarfs make not one little ounce of sense.

wagg begins to hit on my female cousins, and deubner takes his shirt off. cramer arrives two hours late because his car doesnt go over 50 MPH and there was a stiff headwind on 71-N. mike loads up on the tasteless welsh cookies my grandmother has made, and solicits people to go frisbee golfing with him later in the day. he sees ron lewis knock down a three to force overtime, and screams "GET OFF MY NUTS".

sam notices that deubners shirt has come off, and immediately changes into his red speedo and a santa hat. TJ and steve make fun of french to his face for wearing such "gay shoes". sean and bubak double up on the "gay shoes" jokes, and branson tells french that his shoes are "gay". french stalks away in defeat, as daniel tell him that he really likes his shoes.

chris decides that the funeral is boring him, so he calls the police and reports a noise complaint. that should spice things up. the police arrive and cause a scene. morzenti and shane tip over a car right after evil andrew takes a dump on the hood. landis falls from the top of the building next door, engulfed in flames, and causes the tipped car to catch on fire.

the flames from the burning mass catch the funeral home on fire, and everyone escapes unharmed just as the old building collapses in on itself. ron lewis hits one more three to send the game into overtime, my original wishes for cremation have been ultimately served, and my friends begin to riot.

after order is restored the arrest total stands at sixteen, and twelve people have somehow lost limbs.

thank you for coming to my funeral

Team Secret Radio...

this weeks episode is up on our libsyn page and itunes as well. in lieu of team secret falcon updates (i have be insanely busy at work and have had zero time to blog) try listening to some smooth podcasting grooves from your pals morgan and brandon.

i am going to do my bestest to blog at a normal pace this week, though i feel a cold washing over my body thanks to making out with that cross-dressing man whore outside of the garage bar on saturday night. thanks for nothing, "kimberly"...

as always, either go to itunes and look up "team secret radio" or click on the link on the right side of the webpage you are viewing at this very second. joy-joy times are promised to all.

actually, no - it is by far the worst podcast we have ever done. and i know i say that every week, but i mean it this time. barndo is a terrible interviewer, and i end up talking like a black guy for most of the episode.

good times.