in todays world, there are many things that could make a person feel scared and overwhelmed. some of these things include...
1. good looking teenage vampires
2. surging population of soulless ungodly ginger kids (sick)
3. killer bees
4. getting your girlfriend pregnant
5. business
today, we will focus on business. and try not to worry about the other four. you cant control everything in your life no matter how much you want to. let me worry about getting your girlfriend pregnant.
WAYS TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS
- necessity is the fire that fuels innovation - use this long-held belief to grow your sales. for instance, at a company party you could take a ninja sword and slice off the head of your coworkers wife. while he is busy crying, float him the idea of your new dating website. he will likely appreciate your effort to help him get over this completely unavoidable tragedy.
- customers like it when you take charge. while making sales calls, remember to sexually force yourself onto the first halfway decent looking receptionist you come across. she will probably yell something like "rape" and plead with you to stop, but shes a liar and wouldnt be wearing that shirt if she didnt want something to happen.
- remember that almost no business is outrageously successful during its early stages, so try not to get too stressed out if things dont seem to be going your way initially. take a deep breath and try to relax. if that doesnt work, you can always smack your wife around. or your kids. bruises almost always heal.
- one word.........plastics.
- if you work from a home office, its important to remember that you must separate your business life from your personal life. dont worry about doing the dishes or taking out the trash between the hours of 8am and 5pm. try to distance yourself from every day distractions that could interfere with getting your work done. for instance, if your baby is crying its a good idea to shake that baby violently until it stops crying. business first.
- if you are like most of the businesses in america, your target consumer group is likely white people. if you are undertaking a major advertising campaign, be sure to include pictures of black people and asian people using your product while smiling and / or high-fiving each other. white people love to pretend they are tolerant of other cultures.
- business is a game, and games are played to be won. lets not pretend you wouldnt do anything to make your dreams come true. say, i dont know, crystal meth? yeah, you know what im talking about. lets party. lets get some hookers and just go crazy. yeah, ill make out with a dude. so what? you think youre better than me? you dont know anything about me. you dont know who i am. you have no idea where i come from. im from swansea road. i eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast.
- dress to impress. people wont do business with someone who doesnt look the part. wear some tight pants that really accentuate your genitals.
- find out where your closest competitor lives. get drunk. burn his house down while his family is sleeping.
good luck, future entrepreneurs!
1. good looking teenage vampires
2. surging population of soulless ungodly ginger kids (sick)
3. killer bees
4. getting your girlfriend pregnant
5. business
today, we will focus on business. and try not to worry about the other four. you cant control everything in your life no matter how much you want to. let me worry about getting your girlfriend pregnant.
WAYS TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS
- necessity is the fire that fuels innovation - use this long-held belief to grow your sales. for instance, at a company party you could take a ninja sword and slice off the head of your coworkers wife. while he is busy crying, float him the idea of your new dating website. he will likely appreciate your effort to help him get over this completely unavoidable tragedy.
- customers like it when you take charge. while making sales calls, remember to sexually force yourself onto the first halfway decent looking receptionist you come across. she will probably yell something like "rape" and plead with you to stop, but shes a liar and wouldnt be wearing that shirt if she didnt want something to happen.
- remember that almost no business is outrageously successful during its early stages, so try not to get too stressed out if things dont seem to be going your way initially. take a deep breath and try to relax. if that doesnt work, you can always smack your wife around. or your kids. bruises almost always heal.
- one word.........plastics.
- if you work from a home office, its important to remember that you must separate your business life from your personal life. dont worry about doing the dishes or taking out the trash between the hours of 8am and 5pm. try to distance yourself from every day distractions that could interfere with getting your work done. for instance, if your baby is crying its a good idea to shake that baby violently until it stops crying. business first.
- if you are like most of the businesses in america, your target consumer group is likely white people. if you are undertaking a major advertising campaign, be sure to include pictures of black people and asian people using your product while smiling and / or high-fiving each other. white people love to pretend they are tolerant of other cultures.
- business is a game, and games are played to be won. lets not pretend you wouldnt do anything to make your dreams come true. say, i dont know, crystal meth? yeah, you know what im talking about. lets party. lets get some hookers and just go crazy. yeah, ill make out with a dude. so what? you think youre better than me? you dont know anything about me. you dont know who i am. you have no idea where i come from. im from swansea road. i eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast.
- dress to impress. people wont do business with someone who doesnt look the part. wear some tight pants that really accentuate your genitals.
- find out where your closest competitor lives. get drunk. burn his house down while his family is sleeping.
good luck, future entrepreneurs!
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4 comments:
spare the rod...spoil the child
Please pay no attention then as I have my Zippo outside your window..
I look forward to slicing off your head and placing it in your burning home that was lit on fire by my future ginger offspring. Oh, and I'll have such severe camel toe from tight pants, it'll make a shaken baby start crying again.
I always liked the old "buy my stuff or I'll kill your dog" close.
The only one better is the "Takeaway" method.
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