in my life, i have had the pleasure of living in three major metropolitan areas. as with all major cities in the midwest, they can be put into one of two categories...
1. a nice place to live
2. YOU THINK YOURE BETTER THAN ME????
the latter category stems from having a city full of people who remember a time when their city was in a far better economic condition, and resent the growing numbers of both abandoned industrial sights and people with dark skin. racists.
cleveland, ohio - YOU THINK YOURE BETTER THAN ME????
detroit, michigan - YOU THINK YOURE BETTER THAN ME????
columbus, ohio - a nice place to live.
for instance, when i was living in metro-cleveland i was attending a browns game where i literally had this conversation with a person i did not know...
Stranger: why are you wearing an ohio state hat?
Morgan: because i am an ohio state fan.
Stranger: are you from cleveland?
Morgan: i live here, but i am from columbus.
Stranger: ...f#ck you.
...and this completely and one-hundred percent accurately describes anyone and everyone who is from and lives in the surrounding areas of both cleveland and detroit. if you arent from where we are from, you dont understand us and therefore we hate you. if we hate you, we must verbally (and sometimes physically) let you know about it at all times. and after we scream at you and thump our chests and throw empty beer bottles at your face, we wonder to ourselves aloud why our section of the country gets such a bad rap all the time.
its called irony, and its a dish best served with a complimentary pistons jersey and indians cap.
all this to say, i very much prefer living in columbus to slumming it up in any other midwest city. dont even get me started on cincinnati (a suburb of kentucky - excellent!), or the utter shithole that is pittsbugh, PA aka the steel city aka the herpes capital of the universe.
REASONS WHY COLUMBUS IS NEATO MOSQUITO
1. its getting increasingly easy to sit back in your rocking chair while stroking your beard and grooving out to dan fogelberg while thinking to yourself how much better you are than your counterparts in cleveland and detroit. "my life has been a poor attempt to imitate the man, i'm just a living legacy to the leader of the band." dan fogelberg is gay.
2. the columbus clippers won exactly one more game than the last place team in the international league of minor league baseball last summer. hence, the only place to go is up! or, well, i guess we could slip into last place. but that would never happen! except that it probably will happen.
3. if you are in the mood to contract a slew of sexually transmitted diseases, in most cities you would find yourself being whored all over town for an entire weekend. in columbus, spend one hour in our local disgusting douchebag factory, and all of your worldly STD wants and needs will be instantly taken care of. great success.
4. the local ducks down at the scioto river are always hungry and will eat whatever breads you can spare. i like the idea of starving wildlife. it makes my evil, black heart content.
5. huey lewis' tour bus must have broken down in central ohio sometime in late 1998, because i swear that guy plays here almost every other weekend. he probably didnt have enough money to fix the bus, so he decided to stay. seriously, he played the dublin 4th of july festival last year. ive seen the news, huey - and what its saying about you is fantastic.
6. the frigid temperatures in the winter guarantee that we are not at risk for being attacked by swarms of killer bees. so we have that going for us, which is nice.
7. columbus is just far enough away from detroit that the risk of being hit by a stray bullet is fairly low. still, its probably not a good idea to stand outside at night or near any open windows. you never know when you might get detroited.
8. do you fear that you may have a .38 caliber smith and wesson revolver stuck in your anus? come to port columbus international airport and find out if your fears are vaild!
9. the good news? downtown columbus was built on the banks of the beautiful olentangy river. the bad news? the water is poison and if you touch it you will die.
10. according to the most recent census, 3.44 percent of people who live in columbus are asian. meaning that if the future of our city depended on answering a couple really hard math problems or taking part in a violin competition, we would probably be in pretty decent shape.
1. a nice place to live
2. YOU THINK YOURE BETTER THAN ME????
the latter category stems from having a city full of people who remember a time when their city was in a far better economic condition, and resent the growing numbers of both abandoned industrial sights and people with dark skin. racists.
cleveland, ohio - YOU THINK YOURE BETTER THAN ME????
detroit, michigan - YOU THINK YOURE BETTER THAN ME????
columbus, ohio - a nice place to live.
for instance, when i was living in metro-cleveland i was attending a browns game where i literally had this conversation with a person i did not know...
Stranger: why are you wearing an ohio state hat?
Morgan: because i am an ohio state fan.
Stranger: are you from cleveland?
Morgan: i live here, but i am from columbus.
Stranger: ...f#ck you.
...and this completely and one-hundred percent accurately describes anyone and everyone who is from and lives in the surrounding areas of both cleveland and detroit. if you arent from where we are from, you dont understand us and therefore we hate you. if we hate you, we must verbally (and sometimes physically) let you know about it at all times. and after we scream at you and thump our chests and throw empty beer bottles at your face, we wonder to ourselves aloud why our section of the country gets such a bad rap all the time.
its called irony, and its a dish best served with a complimentary pistons jersey and indians cap.
all this to say, i very much prefer living in columbus to slumming it up in any other midwest city. dont even get me started on cincinnati (a suburb of kentucky - excellent!), or the utter shithole that is pittsbugh, PA aka the steel city aka the herpes capital of the universe.
REASONS WHY COLUMBUS IS NEATO MOSQUITO
1. its getting increasingly easy to sit back in your rocking chair while stroking your beard and grooving out to dan fogelberg while thinking to yourself how much better you are than your counterparts in cleveland and detroit. "my life has been a poor attempt to imitate the man, i'm just a living legacy to the leader of the band." dan fogelberg is gay.
2. the columbus clippers won exactly one more game than the last place team in the international league of minor league baseball last summer. hence, the only place to go is up! or, well, i guess we could slip into last place. but that would never happen! except that it probably will happen.
3. if you are in the mood to contract a slew of sexually transmitted diseases, in most cities you would find yourself being whored all over town for an entire weekend. in columbus, spend one hour in our local disgusting douchebag factory, and all of your worldly STD wants and needs will be instantly taken care of. great success.
4. the local ducks down at the scioto river are always hungry and will eat whatever breads you can spare. i like the idea of starving wildlife. it makes my evil, black heart content.
5. huey lewis' tour bus must have broken down in central ohio sometime in late 1998, because i swear that guy plays here almost every other weekend. he probably didnt have enough money to fix the bus, so he decided to stay. seriously, he played the dublin 4th of july festival last year. ive seen the news, huey - and what its saying about you is fantastic.
6. the frigid temperatures in the winter guarantee that we are not at risk for being attacked by swarms of killer bees. so we have that going for us, which is nice.
7. columbus is just far enough away from detroit that the risk of being hit by a stray bullet is fairly low. still, its probably not a good idea to stand outside at night or near any open windows. you never know when you might get detroited.
8. do you fear that you may have a .38 caliber smith and wesson revolver stuck in your anus? come to port columbus international airport and find out if your fears are vaild!
9. the good news? downtown columbus was built on the banks of the beautiful olentangy river. the bad news? the water is poison and if you touch it you will die.
10. according to the most recent census, 3.44 percent of people who live in columbus are asian. meaning that if the future of our city depended on answering a couple really hard math problems or taking part in a violin competition, we would probably be in pretty decent shape.
Posts
1 comments:
You're terrible!
Post a Comment