people come to team secret falcon for a variety of reasons. some come for the uninformed coverage of college football. some come for nude photos of betty white. some come because they have a secret crush on me and they think i am hilarious and mildly attractive. few people come for that reason. very few. maybe two people. a couple months ago. okay, no one has ever come to team secret falcon for that reason. still, it could happen. but probably not.
most people that come to team secret falcon are men, and most of those men come so that they may gain a better understanding of the opposite sex and what makes them tick. and i dont blame you. no website that specializes in ohio state athletics and spice girl reunion gossip on the world wide internets has contributed more to the general understanding of women more in the last five years than team secret falcon. its what i do best.
women are famous for saying one thing and meaning another. they intentionally and knowingly mislead menfolk so that they may more easily trick these poor bastards into impregnating them, raising their children, and buying them super cute handbags.
omghandbags.
below is a short list of a few of these sayings that women use, along with a helpful translation into man-speak so that you will always know exactly what your wife / girlfriend / slampiece is saying when that verbal diarrhea starts ah-flowing.
WHAT WOMEN ARE REALLY SAYING...
SHE SAYS: i've never felt this way about a man before.
SHE MEANS: i used to be a lesbian, but i switched teams due to the tax benefits.
SHE SAYS: you are the most gentle lover i have ever been with.
SHE MEANS: my ex-boyfriends name is jamarcus.
SHE SAYS: i'd like you to meet my sister, lauren.
SHE MEANS: OH MY GOD YOU WANT TO SLEEP WITH HER, DONT YOU????
SHE SAYS: sometimes i get sad and theres really nothing i can do about it.
SHE MEANS: i outwardly chalk up my violent mood swings to PMS, but in reality im just a nasty wench who uses excuses to hide the fact that not getting exactly what i want makes me want to smash your genitals into a fine dust-like powder. which i will do given the right opportunity.
SHE SAYS: i dont care if you just want to hang out with the guys tonight. have fun!
SHE MEANS: i care about you hanging out with the guys tonight about as much as you care about having sex with me for the next three weeks. which, apparently, is very little. have fun!
SHE SAYS: i dont care about having a big wedding - i just want to be with you for the rest of my life. everything else is just icing on the cake.
SHE MEANS: OMGWEDDING! OMGCAAAAAAAAAAAAKE NOM NOM NOM.
SHE SAYS: i would like to have children someday.
SHE MEANS: i have already stopped taking my birth control.
SHE SAYS: the thing i love most about you is how free you always seem to be.
SHE MEANS: my ex-boyfriend is in prison.
SHE SAYS: i was single for thirty-six years, and as it turned out, i was looking for you in all the wrong places.
SHE MEANS: i was in my mid thirties, i could literally hear my biological clock ticking while i was trying to get to sleep at night, so i significantly lowered my standards. thats when i met you.
SHE SAYS: i am really tired tonight.
SHE MEANS: if you so much as even look at me when we go to bed, i swear on everything holy that i will castrate you with my mind. i will literally think so hard about your testicles being cut off with a ninja sword that they will magically tear themselves away from your body and go running for cover from me, the queen of the sub-zero artic ball-smashers.
SHE SAYS: the size of your hands make me feel safe.
SHE MEANS: my ex-boyfriends name is jamarcus.
SHE SAYS: do you think angelina jolie is sexy?
SHE MEANS: do you think i am fat?
SHE SAYS: my mother just wants whats best for me.
SHE MEANS: my mother is a meddling cow of a woman who doesnt think you are good enough for me and will be a constant pain in your ass for as long as we are together. also, i am pregnant. also, my mother is going to out-live you.
SHE SAYS: i dont really care for jewelry. its not what i am about.
SHE MEANS: if you dont buy me a diamond that my friends will be jealous off, i am going to poison your dog. tonight.
SHE SAYS: i am the kind of woman that will try as hard as i can to get the post-baby weight off as soon as possible.
SHE MEANS: the difference between "try" and "accomplish" is extremely significant, and i really really like watching TV while i gnaw on oversized tube of salami.
SHE SAYS: there are a lot of things i would like to get done around the house this weekend.
SHE MEANS: i sold your golf clubs.
SHE SAYS: you always leave me wanting more.
SHE MEANS: my ex-boyfriends name is jamarcus.
most people that come to team secret falcon are men, and most of those men come so that they may gain a better understanding of the opposite sex and what makes them tick. and i dont blame you. no website that specializes in ohio state athletics and spice girl reunion gossip on the world wide internets has contributed more to the general understanding of women more in the last five years than team secret falcon. its what i do best.
women are famous for saying one thing and meaning another. they intentionally and knowingly mislead menfolk so that they may more easily trick these poor bastards into impregnating them, raising their children, and buying them super cute handbags.
omghandbags.
below is a short list of a few of these sayings that women use, along with a helpful translation into man-speak so that you will always know exactly what your wife / girlfriend / slampiece is saying when that verbal diarrhea starts ah-flowing.
WHAT WOMEN ARE REALLY SAYING...
SHE SAYS: i've never felt this way about a man before.
SHE MEANS: i used to be a lesbian, but i switched teams due to the tax benefits.
SHE SAYS: you are the most gentle lover i have ever been with.
SHE MEANS: my ex-boyfriends name is jamarcus.
SHE SAYS: i'd like you to meet my sister, lauren.
SHE MEANS: OH MY GOD YOU WANT TO SLEEP WITH HER, DONT YOU????
SHE SAYS: sometimes i get sad and theres really nothing i can do about it.
SHE MEANS: i outwardly chalk up my violent mood swings to PMS, but in reality im just a nasty wench who uses excuses to hide the fact that not getting exactly what i want makes me want to smash your genitals into a fine dust-like powder. which i will do given the right opportunity.
SHE SAYS: i dont care if you just want to hang out with the guys tonight. have fun!
SHE MEANS: i care about you hanging out with the guys tonight about as much as you care about having sex with me for the next three weeks. which, apparently, is very little. have fun!
SHE SAYS: i dont care about having a big wedding - i just want to be with you for the rest of my life. everything else is just icing on the cake.
SHE MEANS: OMGWEDDING! OMGCAAAAAAAAAAAAKE NOM NOM NOM.
SHE SAYS: i would like to have children someday.
SHE MEANS: i have already stopped taking my birth control.
SHE SAYS: the thing i love most about you is how free you always seem to be.
SHE MEANS: my ex-boyfriend is in prison.
SHE SAYS: i was single for thirty-six years, and as it turned out, i was looking for you in all the wrong places.
SHE MEANS: i was in my mid thirties, i could literally hear my biological clock ticking while i was trying to get to sleep at night, so i significantly lowered my standards. thats when i met you.
SHE SAYS: i am really tired tonight.
SHE MEANS: if you so much as even look at me when we go to bed, i swear on everything holy that i will castrate you with my mind. i will literally think so hard about your testicles being cut off with a ninja sword that they will magically tear themselves away from your body and go running for cover from me, the queen of the sub-zero artic ball-smashers.
SHE SAYS: the size of your hands make me feel safe.
SHE MEANS: my ex-boyfriends name is jamarcus.
SHE SAYS: do you think angelina jolie is sexy?
SHE MEANS: do you think i am fat?
SHE SAYS: my mother just wants whats best for me.
SHE MEANS: my mother is a meddling cow of a woman who doesnt think you are good enough for me and will be a constant pain in your ass for as long as we are together. also, i am pregnant. also, my mother is going to out-live you.
SHE SAYS: i dont really care for jewelry. its not what i am about.
SHE MEANS: if you dont buy me a diamond that my friends will be jealous off, i am going to poison your dog. tonight.
SHE SAYS: i am the kind of woman that will try as hard as i can to get the post-baby weight off as soon as possible.
SHE MEANS: the difference between "try" and "accomplish" is extremely significant, and i really really like watching TV while i gnaw on oversized tube of salami.
SHE SAYS: there are a lot of things i would like to get done around the house this weekend.
SHE MEANS: i sold your golf clubs.
SHE SAYS: you always leave me wanting more.
SHE MEANS: my ex-boyfriends name is jamarcus.
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3 comments:
when are we getting a new podcast
Bitches.....lol
haha. jamarcus. classic.
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