sometimes when you own a blog, you become famous for your writings. sometimes when you are famous, hundreds of women will want to sleep with you even if you are a hideous, disgusting monster. sometimes when people see that you are with this many women, they will want to give you drugs and alcohol for free. sometimes when you do many, many drugs and consume hundreds and hundreds of gallons of pure grain alcohol, you end up not getting a lot of sleep and your brain refuses to come up with new and inventive topics on which to blog.
this is where facebook comes in handy. specifically, the "notes" section where people fill out surveys. when i am hungover on a monday morning from doing drugs and drinking alcohol, i find that filling out a survey goes a long way towards cooling the inner demons inside of my brains that demand hilarious and inventive blog entries.
FACEBOOK SURVEY #5,280
1. Who was your FIRST prom date?
> i went to prom when i was a freshman with the love of my life, molly iams. she was a junior at the time and our love was legendary. sadly, upon the day of her high school graduation, i was drafted into the army and we lost touch. every now and then, when i am trying to fall asleep, i hear a woman crying off in the distance in the mountains of columbus, ohio, and i cant help but feel that it is molly and that she is waiting for me to come and rescue her from her current life of meaningless nothingness so that we may be together forever. someday we will be together, my love. none of that is actually true.
2. Do you still talk to your FIRST love?
> you know i dont answer questions like that about my bitches. except for the previous question. and every other blog entry i have ever written.
3. What was your FIRST alcoholic drink?
> i think it was an MGD when i was a freshman in high school, though i remember my dad letting me take sips of his beer at cooper stadium when i was a young child. my father and i share a lot of common beliefs. for instance, we feel it is important to let young children (sometimes even toddlers) taste the sweet, sweet nectar of alcohol so that they may develop a healthy yearning for it and wont stop chasing it until they are twelve appletinis deep at 3am and calling their ex-girlfriend to tell her just how much of a mistake she made in choosing someone else. no one can love you like i can, baby.
4. What was your FIRST job?
> in the summer of 1998 i followed tara reid around the country and cleaned up after her whenever she vomited. it actually was way more work then it sounded, and i only lasted three weeks. but even today, the vomiting continues.
5. What was your FIRST car?
> if you have ever read this blog, you know all about the 1991 pontiac grand damage. you know of its wonder. you dont need me to tell you. you already know. some of you were even lucky enough to ride inside of it. thats what she said.
6. Who was the FIRST person to text you today?
> barndo, and he said - "sorry about last night. i dont know how that happened. i hope things arent weird between us. i'll call you sometime."
7. Who is the FIRST person you thought of this morning?
> all of my wonderful co-members in our newly founded "club gay". there are four rules that all members of "club gay" must abide by, and you should know them all if you wish to join...
rule #1 - its gotta be gay
rule #2 - its gotta be HOT
rule #3 - you do not talk about club gay
rule #4 - ahhh boom boom boom
call mike steele if you are interested in joining.
8. Who was your FIRST grade teacher?
> mrs sands. she was roughly 139 years old then, and is almost certainly passed away by now. i know this because i murdered her.
9. Where did you go on your FIRST ride on an airplane?
> columbus to detroit, with a layover in pittsburgh. it was for a tour of the cities in america with the most white trash douchebags. i dont know why i kept going after pittsburgh.
10. Who was your FIRST best friend & do you still talk?
> paul pfeiffer, and no, not really. once i came home on the fourth of july and winnie was with some other guy, the three of us really grew apart. the last i heard, paul had gotten really into some pretty hard drugs, and was living in sin with a middle aged prostitute in arizona. sometimes i call winnie to see how she is doing, though i try to make it through a few appletinis first. you know, just for the enhanced courage. just so shell know exactly how i feel. no one can love you like i can, baby.
11. Where was your FIRST sleep over?
> true story here. it was at sean ryans house, and we were gleefully watching the WWF and pretending we were hulk hogan and the ultimate warrior. you know, kids having a good wholesome time and not hurting anyone. then seans father came into the room and was clearly in angry dream-crushing mode. he told me that wrestling wasnt real, and i began to cry. the very next week, my dad told me that santa wasnt real and that i would probably never play for the celtics or even in the NBA. i dont know what it is about me that screams "please destroy my life", but it looks like it hasnt come close to wearing off quite yet.
12. Who was the FIRST person you talked to today?
> dick picker aka backyard bitch aka mystery guest.
13. Whose wedding were you in the FIRST time?
> i was in my dads wedding, which is far less redneck than it sounds - i promise. it was in 1996 and i was 14. after the ceremony, sean ryans dad told me that he didnt think it would last and that i would probably die alone. dream-crusher!
14. What was the FIRST thing you did this morning?
> realized that tonight is the season finale of "the bachelor: on the wings of love" and quickly urinated in my pantolones. i swear on everything that is holy - if he picks vienna, i am going to throw a brick through my television. jake, i know that you are 85 percent dead behind the eyes and that your brain is in constant "do situps - go to the gym - sleep - bang bitches" mode, but even you have to realize what a tragic mistake you would be making if you married a former hooters waitress that is 23 and already once divorced. if you are going to marry a divorced hooters waitress, you know that you have to wait until they are at least 34 and really desperate. this is when they will do almost anything in order to procreate.
15. What was the FIRST concert you ever went to?
> fairly certain it was aerosmith at polaris in 1994. defintiely saw men doing lines of coke in the bathroom. it was a good show, great memories, and the reason i am the coaine addict that i am today.
16. FIRST broken bone?
> i broke my hand punching the wall when they cancelled "garfield and friends" in 1994.
17. FIRST piercing?
> a lesser man would make a penis joke here. but i refuse to lower myself to that level. and anyone that does can expect me to punch them directly in the penis.
18. FIRST foreign country you've gone to?
> canada, eh? take off, hoser.
19. FIRST movie you remember seeing?
> it was when i was about two years old, and it was two people who werent wearing any clothing. maybe one of them was in a maids outfit, i dont know. its tough to remember. my dad got a little upset when he found me watching it. he said it was "daddys special movie" and that i shouldnt tell my mom about it. what a hilarious pornography joke.
20. When was your FIRST detention?
> i wrote a fake note to a bus driver so i could go to matt woods house after school. furthermore, i remember when sean gould got a detention in 2nd grade for tell the only black kid in our school (tony dent) that he looked like chocolate milk. how outrageously inappropriate is that? pretty damn inappropriate, thats for sure. also, its a little absolutely hilarious.
22. Who was your FIRST roommate?
> my brothers and i shared a room for my entire childhood until my parents decided to give me my own room sometime around 6th grade. i havent slept in the same room with another person since.
23. If you had one wish, what would it be?
> to end world hunger and find a cure for all the diseases that people suffer from. actually, thats not true. if i had one wish, i would want to be president of the world, and i would institute policies that guaranteed more wide-spread hunger and i would put billions of dollars towards researching new and more painful diseases, then i would infect a good majority of the planets population and laugh as they begged for help / died. that nice thing i said at the very beginning of this paragraph was actually not true at all.
24. What is something you would learn if you had the chance?
> how exactly someone would become president of the world. im not sure that specific office actually exists. yet.
25. What was the FIRST sport you were involved in?
> i used to watch a lot of "my little pony" when i was a kid. i always hated shows like "gi joe" where there was a bunch of shooting and killing, as it didnt exactly speak to me. come to think of it, my involvement in "club gay" is probably not a huge surprise to anyone who knew me when i was a kid.
26. What were the FIRST lessons you ever took?
> awesome-badass lessons. sometimes lessons pay off, children.
27. What is the FIRST thing you do when you get home?
> i do bicep curls while staring in the mirror and repeating the phrase "picture me rollin" seven to eight hundred times. after that i crush a mountain dew, iron my ed hardy shirts, and urinate into a large jar that i am trying to fill up with my own pee for no good reason whatsoever. depending on how i am feeling, i might cut myself and watch some tennis. sometimes i look at pictures of giraffes and cry. richard gere is a real hero of mine. the movies hes made over the years - i dont really watch them. but the facts that hes making them, i respect that.
this is where facebook comes in handy. specifically, the "notes" section where people fill out surveys. when i am hungover on a monday morning from doing drugs and drinking alcohol, i find that filling out a survey goes a long way towards cooling the inner demons inside of my brains that demand hilarious and inventive blog entries.
FACEBOOK SURVEY #5,280
1. Who was your FIRST prom date?
> i went to prom when i was a freshman with the love of my life, molly iams. she was a junior at the time and our love was legendary. sadly, upon the day of her high school graduation, i was drafted into the army and we lost touch. every now and then, when i am trying to fall asleep, i hear a woman crying off in the distance in the mountains of columbus, ohio, and i cant help but feel that it is molly and that she is waiting for me to come and rescue her from her current life of meaningless nothingness so that we may be together forever. someday we will be together, my love. none of that is actually true.
2. Do you still talk to your FIRST love?
> you know i dont answer questions like that about my bitches. except for the previous question. and every other blog entry i have ever written.
3. What was your FIRST alcoholic drink?
> i think it was an MGD when i was a freshman in high school, though i remember my dad letting me take sips of his beer at cooper stadium when i was a young child. my father and i share a lot of common beliefs. for instance, we feel it is important to let young children (sometimes even toddlers) taste the sweet, sweet nectar of alcohol so that they may develop a healthy yearning for it and wont stop chasing it until they are twelve appletinis deep at 3am and calling their ex-girlfriend to tell her just how much of a mistake she made in choosing someone else. no one can love you like i can, baby.
4. What was your FIRST job?
> in the summer of 1998 i followed tara reid around the country and cleaned up after her whenever she vomited. it actually was way more work then it sounded, and i only lasted three weeks. but even today, the vomiting continues.
5. What was your FIRST car?
> if you have ever read this blog, you know all about the 1991 pontiac grand damage. you know of its wonder. you dont need me to tell you. you already know. some of you were even lucky enough to ride inside of it. thats what she said.
6. Who was the FIRST person to text you today?
> barndo, and he said - "sorry about last night. i dont know how that happened. i hope things arent weird between us. i'll call you sometime."
7. Who is the FIRST person you thought of this morning?
> all of my wonderful co-members in our newly founded "club gay". there are four rules that all members of "club gay" must abide by, and you should know them all if you wish to join...
rule #1 - its gotta be gay
rule #2 - its gotta be HOT
rule #3 - you do not talk about club gay
rule #4 - ahhh boom boom boom
call mike steele if you are interested in joining.
8. Who was your FIRST grade teacher?
> mrs sands. she was roughly 139 years old then, and is almost certainly passed away by now. i know this because i murdered her.
9. Where did you go on your FIRST ride on an airplane?
> columbus to detroit, with a layover in pittsburgh. it was for a tour of the cities in america with the most white trash douchebags. i dont know why i kept going after pittsburgh.
10. Who was your FIRST best friend & do you still talk?
> paul pfeiffer, and no, not really. once i came home on the fourth of july and winnie was with some other guy, the three of us really grew apart. the last i heard, paul had gotten really into some pretty hard drugs, and was living in sin with a middle aged prostitute in arizona. sometimes i call winnie to see how she is doing, though i try to make it through a few appletinis first. you know, just for the enhanced courage. just so shell know exactly how i feel. no one can love you like i can, baby.
11. Where was your FIRST sleep over?
> true story here. it was at sean ryans house, and we were gleefully watching the WWF and pretending we were hulk hogan and the ultimate warrior. you know, kids having a good wholesome time and not hurting anyone. then seans father came into the room and was clearly in angry dream-crushing mode. he told me that wrestling wasnt real, and i began to cry. the very next week, my dad told me that santa wasnt real and that i would probably never play for the celtics or even in the NBA. i dont know what it is about me that screams "please destroy my life", but it looks like it hasnt come close to wearing off quite yet.
12. Who was the FIRST person you talked to today?
> dick picker aka backyard bitch aka mystery guest.
13. Whose wedding were you in the FIRST time?
> i was in my dads wedding, which is far less redneck than it sounds - i promise. it was in 1996 and i was 14. after the ceremony, sean ryans dad told me that he didnt think it would last and that i would probably die alone. dream-crusher!
14. What was the FIRST thing you did this morning?
> realized that tonight is the season finale of "the bachelor: on the wings of love" and quickly urinated in my pantolones. i swear on everything that is holy - if he picks vienna, i am going to throw a brick through my television. jake, i know that you are 85 percent dead behind the eyes and that your brain is in constant "do situps - go to the gym - sleep - bang bitches" mode, but even you have to realize what a tragic mistake you would be making if you married a former hooters waitress that is 23 and already once divorced. if you are going to marry a divorced hooters waitress, you know that you have to wait until they are at least 34 and really desperate. this is when they will do almost anything in order to procreate.
15. What was the FIRST concert you ever went to?
> fairly certain it was aerosmith at polaris in 1994. defintiely saw men doing lines of coke in the bathroom. it was a good show, great memories, and the reason i am the coaine addict that i am today.
16. FIRST broken bone?
> i broke my hand punching the wall when they cancelled "garfield and friends" in 1994.
17. FIRST piercing?
> a lesser man would make a penis joke here. but i refuse to lower myself to that level. and anyone that does can expect me to punch them directly in the penis.
18. FIRST foreign country you've gone to?
> canada, eh? take off, hoser.
19. FIRST movie you remember seeing?
> it was when i was about two years old, and it was two people who werent wearing any clothing. maybe one of them was in a maids outfit, i dont know. its tough to remember. my dad got a little upset when he found me watching it. he said it was "daddys special movie" and that i shouldnt tell my mom about it. what a hilarious pornography joke.
20. When was your FIRST detention?
> i wrote a fake note to a bus driver so i could go to matt woods house after school. furthermore, i remember when sean gould got a detention in 2nd grade for tell the only black kid in our school (tony dent) that he looked like chocolate milk. how outrageously inappropriate is that? pretty damn inappropriate, thats for sure. also, its a little absolutely hilarious.
22. Who was your FIRST roommate?
> my brothers and i shared a room for my entire childhood until my parents decided to give me my own room sometime around 6th grade. i havent slept in the same room with another person since.
23. If you had one wish, what would it be?
> to end world hunger and find a cure for all the diseases that people suffer from. actually, thats not true. if i had one wish, i would want to be president of the world, and i would institute policies that guaranteed more wide-spread hunger and i would put billions of dollars towards researching new and more painful diseases, then i would infect a good majority of the planets population and laugh as they begged for help / died. that nice thing i said at the very beginning of this paragraph was actually not true at all.
24. What is something you would learn if you had the chance?
> how exactly someone would become president of the world. im not sure that specific office actually exists. yet.
25. What was the FIRST sport you were involved in?
> i used to watch a lot of "my little pony" when i was a kid. i always hated shows like "gi joe" where there was a bunch of shooting and killing, as it didnt exactly speak to me. come to think of it, my involvement in "club gay" is probably not a huge surprise to anyone who knew me when i was a kid.
26. What were the FIRST lessons you ever took?
> awesome-badass lessons. sometimes lessons pay off, children.
27. What is the FIRST thing you do when you get home?
> i do bicep curls while staring in the mirror and repeating the phrase "picture me rollin" seven to eight hundred times. after that i crush a mountain dew, iron my ed hardy shirts, and urinate into a large jar that i am trying to fill up with my own pee for no good reason whatsoever. depending on how i am feeling, i might cut myself and watch some tennis. sometimes i look at pictures of giraffes and cry. richard gere is a real hero of mine. the movies hes made over the years - i dont really watch them. but the facts that hes making them, i respect that.
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