The Golden Rules...

every person has a set of concrete rules by which they live their life. my rules, for instance, are...

1. do situps
2. go to the gym
3. get hot bitches
4. crush mountain dew
5. sleep

in this age of mass communication, its important for our population to know how others go about living their lives, so that they may use this information to improve their day-to-day existence.

here is a short list of how people from all over the world go about living their lives. their "golden rules" if you will. and you will.

THE GOLDEN RULES

mail carriers

1. deliver mail
2. deliver mail slowly
3. go slower
4. i said slower
5. watch out for dogs

elementary school children

1. trust adults
2. candy is always safe, no matter the source
3. grown-ups with cargo vans are trustworthy
4. DARE is full of lies
5. that safetytown was bullshit

NASCAR fans

1. denim isnt just for jeans
2. anything embroidered with looney tunes characters = GOOD
3. it is okay to smoke and dip at the same time
4. socks and sandals = CRAZY COMFORTABLE
5. all queers go to hell

black people

1. can we get some more sugar in this kool aid?
2. more
3. more
4. more
5. ahhhhhhhh, kool aid

mexicans

1. whatever you do, jorge, do not smile for this picture
2. i swear, jorge, if you smile for this picture i am going to be super pissed at you
3. okay here comes the flash
4. make sure to tilt your head slightly back, and DONT SMILE, JORGE
5. oh nice job, jorge - that was a good one

asian people

1. i enjoy math
2. the violin is a fun and exciting instrument
3. karate is a most honorable activity
4. whoops, totally just got in a car accident
5. maybe next time i wont do math, play the violin, and roundhouse kick while i am driving

evan turner

1. sound like grover / fozzy bear as much as possible
2. look like an avatar
3. samantha prahalis is "basketball hot"
4. lay that woman down real fine
5. one. more. year.

detroit residents

1. elect crooked political figures
2. do not trust outsiders
3. feel miserable
4. keep your hand out
5. bitch about the lions

cleveland residents

1. complain about snow even though you choose TO LIVE IN CLEVELAND
2. do not trust outsiders
3. be polish
4. or catholic
5. or both

pittsburgh residents

1. pronounce "water" as "wuder" because that totally makes sense
2. if you dont like the steelers, f#%k you
3. ignore the pirates unless they are winning
4. always ignore the pirates
5. wait, who are the pirates again?

snookie

1. buy industrial strength orange paint from home depot
2. pour on face
3. pour on body
4. vodka
5. dance alone

white people

1. let people know you are into farmers markets
2. contain enthusiasm when someone compliments your vintage t-shirt
3. be really into "local, live music"
4. HATE REPUBLICANS
5. sandals. always.
6. use the words "amazing" and "literally" whenever possible
7. tell others how tolerant of other cultures you are
8. have at least one black friend
9. make sure black friend is from the suburbs
10. "real" black people are scary