when i am out on the streets, enjoying this beautiful weather, trying to score the best possible blow in central ohio, people are always coming up to me saying things like "dont walk down that road - thats where the blacks live" and "i do not trust people with dark colored skin" and "isnt it funny how mexicans are always not smiling for pictures?".
to those people i say "hey, kathleen turner - keep your hate speak to yourself."
but even more people lately have been coming up to me and asking me for tips on landing the best possible job in todays difficult economy. and to them i say "i love all people, regardless of their skin tone. and kathleen turner is a hateful racist."
HOW TO LAND YOUR DREAM JOB
* its important to want it. in an economy where there are thousands (maybe even billions) of qualified americans jobless and searching for the very same job you are, its important that you want it more than anyone else. quit your current job. sell your house. leave your wife and children hungry and bloody and without medical care. while you are walking away from your family, push your wife down. it will show future employers just how serious you are about being successful and having it all.
* while you are living on the streets looking for work, dont be afraid of doing certain things for money that you wouldnt have considered a few months ago. vagabond drifters need loving too. but they gotta pay.
* we live in a world where the GDP of many countries are tied together in a massive global economy. this means that you arent just going up against people from the united states for your dream job, but you are also fighting for your economic survival with people from all over the planet. because of this, it probably isnt a bad idea to start aimlessly killing people that look like they arent from your neck of the woods. and beware of those stinking flappy-headed derelicts from the communist republic of canada. just because they are white doesnt mean they are americans. USA! USA! USA!
* many times, during an interview, youll find yourself wanting to break wind but holding it back instead. dont. let that stink cheese rip. employers love that type of can-do attitude. also, chances are that you have been eating out of a garbage can since youve been living on the streets. this can only mean good things as far as smell is concerned.
* if you are being interview by a man, look him up and down (slowly) and tell him that you are willing to put money on the fact that he has a fairly decent looking wife. tell him that, if this interview is going as good as you think it is, that you would love to take her out for drinks afterwards to celebrate. be clear with your intentions. tell him that you want to make relations with his wife.
* if you are being interview by a woman, touch her hair and tell her how soft it is. say that she smells like your ex-wife, and that you like that about her. women love compliments.
* interviewers hate it when their candidates show up for a job interview sober. because of this, its always a good idea to throw back a couple bottle of grandpas cough medicine beforehand. and when in doubt, always drink more! also, if you have drugs (which you should) make sure to offer some to the interviewer. its polite to share. after the drugs have been taken and the mood starts to lighten a bit, mention that you would like to take his wife out for a drink.
* most interviewers have children. almost all children start their lives out as babies. so you can imagine how much the interviewer will appreciate any tips on raising children that you may have. make sure to tell the interviewer that a great way to stop a baby from crying is to shake that baby until it stops crying.
* at this point in the interview process, you will be drunk, high on drugs, passing gas, and will probably have a good idea of whether or not you will be scoring with someones wife that night. this is a good time to ask to borrow money.
* using foul language is something that all business people can appreciate. the general rule of thumb in the business world is that the fouler the language is, the better. also, its a good idea to be clear on the sexual orientation of your interviewer just so he or she will be as comfortable with you as possible. at some point early on in the interview (probably before the drug use), tell them that they are giving off a "i swing from both sides of the plate" vibe, and ask if that observation is accurate. they may seem a tad outraged, but tell them that most of the gay guys you know are drama queens too.
happy job hunting!
to those people i say "hey, kathleen turner - keep your hate speak to yourself."
but even more people lately have been coming up to me and asking me for tips on landing the best possible job in todays difficult economy. and to them i say "i love all people, regardless of their skin tone. and kathleen turner is a hateful racist."
HOW TO LAND YOUR DREAM JOB
* its important to want it. in an economy where there are thousands (maybe even billions) of qualified americans jobless and searching for the very same job you are, its important that you want it more than anyone else. quit your current job. sell your house. leave your wife and children hungry and bloody and without medical care. while you are walking away from your family, push your wife down. it will show future employers just how serious you are about being successful and having it all.
* while you are living on the streets looking for work, dont be afraid of doing certain things for money that you wouldnt have considered a few months ago. vagabond drifters need loving too. but they gotta pay.
* we live in a world where the GDP of many countries are tied together in a massive global economy. this means that you arent just going up against people from the united states for your dream job, but you are also fighting for your economic survival with people from all over the planet. because of this, it probably isnt a bad idea to start aimlessly killing people that look like they arent from your neck of the woods. and beware of those stinking flappy-headed derelicts from the communist republic of canada. just because they are white doesnt mean they are americans. USA! USA! USA!
* many times, during an interview, youll find yourself wanting to break wind but holding it back instead. dont. let that stink cheese rip. employers love that type of can-do attitude. also, chances are that you have been eating out of a garbage can since youve been living on the streets. this can only mean good things as far as smell is concerned.
* if you are being interview by a man, look him up and down (slowly) and tell him that you are willing to put money on the fact that he has a fairly decent looking wife. tell him that, if this interview is going as good as you think it is, that you would love to take her out for drinks afterwards to celebrate. be clear with your intentions. tell him that you want to make relations with his wife.
* if you are being interview by a woman, touch her hair and tell her how soft it is. say that she smells like your ex-wife, and that you like that about her. women love compliments.
* interviewers hate it when their candidates show up for a job interview sober. because of this, its always a good idea to throw back a couple bottle of grandpas cough medicine beforehand. and when in doubt, always drink more! also, if you have drugs (which you should) make sure to offer some to the interviewer. its polite to share. after the drugs have been taken and the mood starts to lighten a bit, mention that you would like to take his wife out for a drink.
* most interviewers have children. almost all children start their lives out as babies. so you can imagine how much the interviewer will appreciate any tips on raising children that you may have. make sure to tell the interviewer that a great way to stop a baby from crying is to shake that baby until it stops crying.
* at this point in the interview process, you will be drunk, high on drugs, passing gas, and will probably have a good idea of whether or not you will be scoring with someones wife that night. this is a good time to ask to borrow money.
* using foul language is something that all business people can appreciate. the general rule of thumb in the business world is that the fouler the language is, the better. also, its a good idea to be clear on the sexual orientation of your interviewer just so he or she will be as comfortable with you as possible. at some point early on in the interview (probably before the drug use), tell them that they are giving off a "i swing from both sides of the plate" vibe, and ask if that observation is accurate. they may seem a tad outraged, but tell them that most of the gay guys you know are drama queens too.
happy job hunting!
I have a really good and secure job with a vested future, but your blog was so inspiring that I feel like I should quit and throw my fate to the wind - using your simple and guaranteed steps to success, of course! Thank you! (PS If it doesn't work out, I'll be moving in with you, Love, Mother)
ReplyDeletei got $10 that the image of the men shaking hands contains a Korean. 100% of people named Morgan like Koreans, and Asian people in general.. Little know fact.. you can't shake an Asian baby to make it stop crying... the only way to make them stop is to teach them math.. hence their ability to solve large computations... nerds... i could use some candy... which rhymes with Bandi...
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