if you are awesome like me, you no doubt watched with faded breath last night as bachelor jake went against popular opinion and chose vienna over tenley (real names) on the season finale of "the bachelor: on the wings of love".
we were lucky enough to score an interview with the bachelor jake earlier this morning.
this interview (as are all interviews here at team secret falcon) is completely real (fake) and not made up at all (one-hundred percent not true) - enjoy.
TEAM SECRET FALCON INTERVIEW WITH BACHELOR JAKE NO DIGGITY NO DOUBT BACKSTREETS BACK ALRIGHT
TSF: first, jake, we want to thank you for taking the time to sit down with us here at team secret falcon.
JAKE: no problem, morgan. i am a big fan of your oregon trail blogs.
TSF: the bitches love the oregon trail.
JAKE: yep.
TSF: so, right off the bat, can you defend your choice of vienna - who is legitimately cross-eyed - over tenley last night?
JAKE: look, i came into this process with one thing on my mind - and that was to find the love of my life. and no matter what anyone thinks, i had to stay true to myself. vienna is the love of my life, so naturally i chose her.
TSF: correct me if i am wrong, but wasnt it just last season that you were saying that jillian was the love of your life?
JAKE: that statement would be correct, yes.
TSF: shouldnt that send up a few red flags to us as viewers?
JAKE: i am a pilot.
TSF: of course you are. next question. can you speak for a minute to us about viennas crazy eyes?
JAKE: well, its kind of of those "one mans trash is another mans treasure" type of situations. i know that viennas eyes might look a little off to some, but to me they are the eyes of the woman i love, so i think they are practically perfect in every way.
TSF: did you seriously just quote mary poppins?
JAKE: its one of my favorite movies!
VIENNA: jake and i love mary poppins!
TSF: vienna. thank you for joining us. even though you werent invited.
VIENNA: i didnt think you would mind.
TSF: i actually specifically asked for this exact scenario to not happen when we arranged this interview.
VIENNA: i am brutally honest.
TSF: jake, im just going to go ahead and say what all of america was thinking every single week as bat-shit-crazy vienna kept making the cut over smoking hot snatches like ali, gia, and tenley. you banged her while the cameras werent rolling and kept her around because of guilt, right?
JAKE: no comment.
VIENNA: i am brutally honest.
JAKE: i love you, baby.
VIENNA: we have chemistry. i am brutally honest.
JAKE: we have chemistry. i am a pilot.
VIENNA: you are a pilot and we have chemistry.
JAKE: you are brutally honest and i am a pilot.
TENLEY: i am beginning to think that maybe i can start to dream again.
TSF: this is getting out of hand. tenley, where did you come from?
TENLEY: well, i was just walking around thinking about how much i love picnics and rainbows and ponies, and i ended up here!
TSF: is there anyone else in attendance that i should be made aware of?
JAKES MOM: my biggest fear in life is that my daughters-in-law dont get along.
JAKES DAD: (drooling)
TSF: jake, talk to me for a second about how the bachelor process works. is it stressful? do you feel like you actually have enough time to get to know someone well enough to marry them?
JAKE: well morgan, its a difficult journey to say the least. when i first met ali, i thought that she was absolutely beautiful and that i could see myself falling in love with her. when i met tenley, i thought that she was perfect for me and that i would have a very difficult time ever letting her go.
TSF: what about when you met vienna?
JAKE: i thought she had crazy eyes and that i could definitely see her, for some reason, biting me in my sleep. i dont know why, i just got that feeling.
TSF: so what happened to make you choose her in the end?
JAKE: well, we slept together.
TSF: did she ever bite you in your sleep?
JAKE: a few times, yes.
VIENNA: we have great chemistry.
JAKE: you are brutally honest.
VIENNA: i am brutally honest and you are a pilot.
JAKE: i am a pilot and we have great chemistry.
TENLEY: butterflies are my favorite!
JAKE: chemistry and honesty and i am a pilot.
JAKES DAD: (crying, drooling)
TSF: i think i need to gain control of this interview. tenley - talk to us for a moment about how you are feeling after all of this. how has this process changed you as a person?
TENLEY: well, at first after jake didnt choose me, i was down in the dumpy-dumps. but then i sat down, remembered that they are so many pretty clouds in the sky and cute kittens in the world, and i began to feel like i may eventually begin to start to dream sweet dreams again. life is full of amazing and beautiful things!
TSF: i want to drown you.
VIENNA: tenley is a nice girl, but jake is mine. im sorry, but i am brutally honest.
JAKE: and we have great chemistry.
VIENNA: and you are a pilot.
JAKES MOM: i have three daughters-in-law. they must get along.
JAKES SISTER IN LAW: ULTRA BITCH MODE!!!!!!!
JAKES DAD: (sobbing, choking on drool)
JAKES BROTHER: i am dale earnhardt jrs doppleganger.
VIENNA: jake is a pilot.
TSF: i want to thank everyone for being here today. it was a great season of the bachelor, and if i have to hear "on the wings of love" ever again in my entire life, i am going to put a bullet in my temple. on behalf of myself and all of the readers of team secret falcon, you can all go directly to hell.
JAKE: thanks for having us.
VIENNA: we have chemistry.
JAKE: i am a pilot.
VIENNA: you are a pilot and we have chemistry.
JAKE: we have chemistry and you are brutally honest.
VIENNA: i am brutally honest and you are a pilot.
TENLEY: i love stickers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
we were lucky enough to score an interview with the bachelor jake earlier this morning.
this interview (as are all interviews here at team secret falcon) is completely real (fake) and not made up at all (one-hundred percent not true) - enjoy.
TEAM SECRET FALCON INTERVIEW WITH BACHELOR JAKE NO DIGGITY NO DOUBT BACKSTREETS BACK ALRIGHT
TSF: first, jake, we want to thank you for taking the time to sit down with us here at team secret falcon.
JAKE: no problem, morgan. i am a big fan of your oregon trail blogs.
TSF: the bitches love the oregon trail.
JAKE: yep.
TSF: so, right off the bat, can you defend your choice of vienna - who is legitimately cross-eyed - over tenley last night?
JAKE: look, i came into this process with one thing on my mind - and that was to find the love of my life. and no matter what anyone thinks, i had to stay true to myself. vienna is the love of my life, so naturally i chose her.
TSF: correct me if i am wrong, but wasnt it just last season that you were saying that jillian was the love of your life?
JAKE: that statement would be correct, yes.
TSF: shouldnt that send up a few red flags to us as viewers?
JAKE: i am a pilot.
TSF: of course you are. next question. can you speak for a minute to us about viennas crazy eyes?
JAKE: well, its kind of of those "one mans trash is another mans treasure" type of situations. i know that viennas eyes might look a little off to some, but to me they are the eyes of the woman i love, so i think they are practically perfect in every way.
TSF: did you seriously just quote mary poppins?
JAKE: its one of my favorite movies!
VIENNA: jake and i love mary poppins!
TSF: vienna. thank you for joining us. even though you werent invited.
VIENNA: i didnt think you would mind.
TSF: i actually specifically asked for this exact scenario to not happen when we arranged this interview.
VIENNA: i am brutally honest.
TSF: jake, im just going to go ahead and say what all of america was thinking every single week as bat-shit-crazy vienna kept making the cut over smoking hot snatches like ali, gia, and tenley. you banged her while the cameras werent rolling and kept her around because of guilt, right?
JAKE: no comment.
VIENNA: i am brutally honest.
JAKE: i love you, baby.
VIENNA: we have chemistry. i am brutally honest.
JAKE: we have chemistry. i am a pilot.
VIENNA: you are a pilot and we have chemistry.
JAKE: you are brutally honest and i am a pilot.
TENLEY: i am beginning to think that maybe i can start to dream again.
TSF: this is getting out of hand. tenley, where did you come from?
TENLEY: well, i was just walking around thinking about how much i love picnics and rainbows and ponies, and i ended up here!
TSF: is there anyone else in attendance that i should be made aware of?
JAKES MOM: my biggest fear in life is that my daughters-in-law dont get along.
JAKES DAD: (drooling)
TSF: jake, talk to me for a second about how the bachelor process works. is it stressful? do you feel like you actually have enough time to get to know someone well enough to marry them?
JAKE: well morgan, its a difficult journey to say the least. when i first met ali, i thought that she was absolutely beautiful and that i could see myself falling in love with her. when i met tenley, i thought that she was perfect for me and that i would have a very difficult time ever letting her go.
TSF: what about when you met vienna?
JAKE: i thought she had crazy eyes and that i could definitely see her, for some reason, biting me in my sleep. i dont know why, i just got that feeling.
TSF: so what happened to make you choose her in the end?
JAKE: well, we slept together.
TSF: did she ever bite you in your sleep?
JAKE: a few times, yes.
VIENNA: we have great chemistry.
JAKE: you are brutally honest.
VIENNA: i am brutally honest and you are a pilot.
JAKE: i am a pilot and we have great chemistry.
TENLEY: butterflies are my favorite!
JAKE: chemistry and honesty and i am a pilot.
JAKES DAD: (crying, drooling)
TSF: i think i need to gain control of this interview. tenley - talk to us for a moment about how you are feeling after all of this. how has this process changed you as a person?
TENLEY: well, at first after jake didnt choose me, i was down in the dumpy-dumps. but then i sat down, remembered that they are so many pretty clouds in the sky and cute kittens in the world, and i began to feel like i may eventually begin to start to dream sweet dreams again. life is full of amazing and beautiful things!
TSF: i want to drown you.
VIENNA: tenley is a nice girl, but jake is mine. im sorry, but i am brutally honest.
JAKE: and we have great chemistry.
VIENNA: and you are a pilot.
JAKES MOM: i have three daughters-in-law. they must get along.
JAKES SISTER IN LAW: ULTRA BITCH MODE!!!!!!!
JAKES DAD: (sobbing, choking on drool)
JAKES BROTHER: i am dale earnhardt jrs doppleganger.
VIENNA: jake is a pilot.
TSF: i want to thank everyone for being here today. it was a great season of the bachelor, and if i have to hear "on the wings of love" ever again in my entire life, i am going to put a bullet in my temple. on behalf of myself and all of the readers of team secret falcon, you can all go directly to hell.
JAKE: thanks for having us.
VIENNA: we have chemistry.
JAKE: i am a pilot.
VIENNA: you are a pilot and we have chemistry.
JAKE: we have chemistry and you are brutally honest.
VIENNA: i am brutally honest and you are a pilot.
TENLEY: i love stickers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I hate you. Ultra Bitch Mode Sister in Law was my favorite person! Her "Got into a fight with drunken blind ninjas" haircut was stunning.
ReplyDeleteOk, so that was a lie.
We all know he shoulda stuck with crazy pants Michele.
faded breath? bated breath
ReplyDeletewould have been more funny if i had watched one episode of the bachelor more recently than 1992.
and yes, the oregon trail makes me hot.
Really you are such a fag, you need to move back in with guy roomates so maybe you can grow back a pair of balls.
ReplyDelete@ marissa - faded breath has always sounded better to me. it sounds more.......faded.
ReplyDelete@ anonymous - i realize that my constant factual observations of pittsburgh leaves you feeling attacked and vulnerable, but you are going to have to move past it. believe me, i know - growing up is hard. but you have to do it anyway.
@ barndo - please print out a "club gay" membership card for anonymous. super!
http://abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/episode-commentary
ReplyDelete