as the summer draws near, people all over the united states of obama will begin planning their vacations to various fun-filled destinations. what they dont know, is that it is very easy to go on vacation and not have a wonderful time. if you dont take the necessary precautions and plan out your days ahead of time, you could end up sitting around in some tropical location, not having fun, and wondering where the hell you went wrong.
luckily, team secret falcon is here to help.
THINGS TO DO ON YOUR VACATION
* upon arrival, find the nearest person who looks like they are a local, and strike up a conversation. use phrases like "what beautiful weather!" and "we dont get weather like this at home!" and "how about this weather!" - locals enjoy talking endlessly with tourists about weather.
* go fishing! there are tons of places to go fishing, and tons of companies who charter fishing boats! if the owner / operator is asking for too much money, agree to pay him, then shoot him in the face with his harpoon gun (all boats are required by law to carry harpoon guns) once you are out on the ocean! the ocean is huge! theyll never find his body! fishing is fun for children!
* drive out to amish country and secretly set up a flat screen TV in someones living room. hide behind a piece of homemade oak furniture. wait till they come home. when they see you, quickly unplug the TV and escape. thats your TV and you paid a lot of money for it.
* buy a couple nice bottles of wine and enjoy them on the porch with your wife. after a few glasses, tell her you have been having an affair with her best friend. even if its not true, its important to keep your relationship interesting. women love that kind of stuff.
* go whale watching! upon seeing your first whale in all of its majestic beauty, shoot it in its whale face with the boats harpoon gun. all boats are required by law to carry a harpoon gun. the other people will pretend to be outraged when they are inevitably covered in the blood that is spewing from the dying endangered species, but they are always acting like such pussies and i hate those guys.
* while tucking your kids in tell them that if they ever learn to read or do well in school, the spirit of their dead mother is going to come and kill them in their sleep. kids love ghost stories!
* go to the local library and check out some books that challenge your normal beliefs and wouldnt be something you would read while you are at home. take them to your hotel and burn them. information is dangerous.
* take your kids to the local park and fly a kite! its an inexpensive way to kill a few hours. while you are there, buy some crystal meth, find a cheap hooker and just do what comes naturally. the kids can find their way home. kids are smart.
* go to the local zoo and / or aquarium with your kids. encourage them to pick which animal is their favorite and learn interesting facts about it. if they start to like one animal maybe a little too much, try putting them in that animals cage. that should wipe the stupid grin off their faces for good.
* take up a new hobby. like, i dont know, playing some sort of card game or something. whatever, its doesnt really matter to me. i cant make all of the decisions for you.
* get to know some of the people in your area that are also on vacation. ask where they are from. ask what they have been doing since they arrived - this should give you some good ideas on how to spend your trip. if they get too close, shoot them in the face with a harpoon gun. all boats are required by law to carry a harpoon gun.
have a great trip!
luckily, team secret falcon is here to help.
THINGS TO DO ON YOUR VACATION
* upon arrival, find the nearest person who looks like they are a local, and strike up a conversation. use phrases like "what beautiful weather!" and "we dont get weather like this at home!" and "how about this weather!" - locals enjoy talking endlessly with tourists about weather.
* go fishing! there are tons of places to go fishing, and tons of companies who charter fishing boats! if the owner / operator is asking for too much money, agree to pay him, then shoot him in the face with his harpoon gun (all boats are required by law to carry harpoon guns) once you are out on the ocean! the ocean is huge! theyll never find his body! fishing is fun for children!
* drive out to amish country and secretly set up a flat screen TV in someones living room. hide behind a piece of homemade oak furniture. wait till they come home. when they see you, quickly unplug the TV and escape. thats your TV and you paid a lot of money for it.
* buy a couple nice bottles of wine and enjoy them on the porch with your wife. after a few glasses, tell her you have been having an affair with her best friend. even if its not true, its important to keep your relationship interesting. women love that kind of stuff.
* go whale watching! upon seeing your first whale in all of its majestic beauty, shoot it in its whale face with the boats harpoon gun. all boats are required by law to carry a harpoon gun. the other people will pretend to be outraged when they are inevitably covered in the blood that is spewing from the dying endangered species, but they are always acting like such pussies and i hate those guys.
* while tucking your kids in tell them that if they ever learn to read or do well in school, the spirit of their dead mother is going to come and kill them in their sleep. kids love ghost stories!
* go to the local library and check out some books that challenge your normal beliefs and wouldnt be something you would read while you are at home. take them to your hotel and burn them. information is dangerous.
* take your kids to the local park and fly a kite! its an inexpensive way to kill a few hours. while you are there, buy some crystal meth, find a cheap hooker and just do what comes naturally. the kids can find their way home. kids are smart.
* go to the local zoo and / or aquarium with your kids. encourage them to pick which animal is their favorite and learn interesting facts about it. if they start to like one animal maybe a little too much, try putting them in that animals cage. that should wipe the stupid grin off their faces for good.
* take up a new hobby. like, i dont know, playing some sort of card game or something. whatever, its doesnt really matter to me. i cant make all of the decisions for you.
* get to know some of the people in your area that are also on vacation. ask where they are from. ask what they have been doing since they arrived - this should give you some good ideas on how to spend your trip. if they get too close, shoot them in the face with a harpoon gun. all boats are required by law to carry a harpoon gun.
have a great trip!
im pretty sure amish people do not have outlets in thier houses in which to plug a TV into. but they might. who knows, its the 90's!
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