in last weeks team secret falcon test, ian and paige ended up tied for the lead. to break the tie, i gave both of them a prompt and told them to wow the TSF readers. after both entries were submitted, i would then put up a poll and let people vote for the winner.
the winner would then be showered with love all over their body by various homeless people and former members of 98 degrees. nice!
the prompt was as follows...
"club gay is moving into its second month in existence. how should we, as members, go about promoting our entity? should we become more visible in the community? what steps can we take to ensure that club gay is a viable source of awesomeness for our childrens childrens children?"
ian was the first to respond.
ladies and gentlemen, i give you - ian jerome maute...
(WARNING - THE FOLLOWING DOES NOT REPRESENT THE THOUGHTS OR OPINIONS OF TEAM SECRET FALCON. ANY REBROADCAST, REPRODUCTION OR OTHER USE OF THIS BLOG ENTRY WITHOUT THE EXPRESS WRITTEN CONSENT OF MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL IS PROHIBITED.)
I chose not to follow your guest blog prompt. First of all it sucked, second, I thought we weren’t supposed to talk about your little club.
In following Morgan’s theme of offering unsolicited advice I thought I’d try my hand at helping out my fellow man. If you’re like me, you like rap music. While you may find rap music enjoyable you probably have no idea what the H they are talking about in some of their songs. Allow me to take this opportunity to enlighten y’alls up in here.
“My chick bad, my chick hood, my chick do shit your chick wish she could” – My Chick, performed by Ludacris. • My best girl is cool, and she is also strong both of body and mind. She has abilities like speaking Spanish, and making great soup.
“You can spot them on da top in da bottom, gotta a bill in my mouth like I’m Hillary Rodham” – Grillz performed by Nelly featuring Paul Wall, Ali, and Gipp. • I have jewelry in mouth which you can see is on my upper teeth and lower ones too. The mouth jewelry is worth $100,000.
“My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard” –Milkshake performed by Kelis. • I give good blow jobs, come get one.
“Back then ho’s didn’t want me, now I’m hot, ho’s all on me. MIKE JONES” – Back Then performed by Mike Jones. • Awhile back girls didn’t like me because I didn’t have a good job. I worked at the Clark station and people only liked me because I sold them beer even though they were under 21. Now I make a decent salary and work in middle management, and girls like talking to me.
“Turn my swag on, it’s my time to turn it up, yeah, yeah, I put my team on, did my theme song, now it’s time to turn it up, yeah, yeah” – Turn My Swag On performed by Soulja Boy. • No f’ing clue
“Uh, uh, uh, 1, 2, 1, 2. …..Uh, uh, 1, 2, 1, 2, uh, uh, all my dogs”- Hip Hop performed by Dead Prez.• Come on now guys, get out here, don’t make me count to three. I am super serious.
“You know me – I don’t need no introduction and shit. Ride Bentley’s ‘round the city on buttons, ya bitch. Arm’s hangin’, wrist blingin’ – just stun’n and shit. Drop the top, block is hot, stay bumpin ya bitch” - #1 Stunna performed by Big Tymers featuring Lil’ Wayne and Juvenile.• Hey!, it’s me you guys, you knew I was coming over. I brought my car. Lets go for a ride around down town. Maybe we can stop at the North Market and get fresh veggies. When I drive I like to put my arm out the window so I can show off my new Timex. It is pretty hot out, so we may want to put the convertible top down, silly. Please turn up the music, and keep it on 94.7.
“I got the magic stick, I know if I can hit once, I can hit twice. I hit the baddest chicks, shorty don’t believe me, then come with me tonight and I’ll show you maaaagic, what? what? maaaaagic, I got the magic stick” – Magic Stick performed by 50 Cent• My penis is above average in both length and girth. If you have intercourse with me once, I can only assume you’ll want to do it again. You should believe me because I have made love to many women, like your sister Amy.
“Come to my crib tonight, let me beat dat puss all night. Run tell yo buddies I fucked you right. Tell ’em bout all the plaques on the wall, tell ’em how you licked my balls”. – Kryptonite performed by Purple Ribbon All Stars.• You should come over to my condo this evening. If things go right and you like the wine we will have sex for 4-6 minutes. When we are done, please tell your girlfriends that I was good at sex. I’m just using you to get to them. I don’t think you’re very pretty and your stories bore me. Also, tell them about my Employee of the Month, and Worthington Co-ed Softball League Runner-Up trophies. Oh, and tell ‘em how you licked my balls.
“Guess who back in the motherfucking house with a fat dick for your motherfucking mouth” – Ain’t No Fun if the Homies Can’t Have None performed by Snoop Dogg.
• Guess who is back in the motherfucking house with a fat dick for your motherfucking mouth? Me.
“Girl I don’t need you, but chu need me. Take it off, let it flow, shake it freely” – Ms. New Booty performed by Jordan Sparxxxxx.
• I think you’re okay, but I know you “like” like me. Suzy told me during study hall. Take your skirt off and let me see how your ass shakes when you walk to the drinking fountain.
“Not on the bed, lay me on your sofa. Phone before you come, I need to shave my chocha. You do or you don’t or you will or won’t you go downtown and eat it like a vulture” – Work It performed by Missy Elliot.
• I’m feeling frisky, let’s do this in the den. Oh my, it’s almost summer which means BIKINI SEASON!!! I better shave off my pube bush. You haven’t pleased me orally since I gave birth to the twins. I knew you shouldn’t have been in the delivery room, you have such a weak stomach. Please tongue it.
Now you know.
the winner would then be showered with love all over their body by various homeless people and former members of 98 degrees. nice!
the prompt was as follows...
"club gay is moving into its second month in existence. how should we, as members, go about promoting our entity? should we become more visible in the community? what steps can we take to ensure that club gay is a viable source of awesomeness for our childrens childrens children?"
ian was the first to respond.
ladies and gentlemen, i give you - ian jerome maute...
(WARNING - THE FOLLOWING DOES NOT REPRESENT THE THOUGHTS OR OPINIONS OF TEAM SECRET FALCON. ANY REBROADCAST, REPRODUCTION OR OTHER USE OF THIS BLOG ENTRY WITHOUT THE EXPRESS WRITTEN CONSENT OF MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL IS PROHIBITED.)
I chose not to follow your guest blog prompt. First of all it sucked, second, I thought we weren’t supposed to talk about your little club.
In following Morgan’s theme of offering unsolicited advice I thought I’d try my hand at helping out my fellow man. If you’re like me, you like rap music. While you may find rap music enjoyable you probably have no idea what the H they are talking about in some of their songs. Allow me to take this opportunity to enlighten y’alls up in here.
“My chick bad, my chick hood, my chick do shit your chick wish she could” – My Chick, performed by Ludacris. • My best girl is cool, and she is also strong both of body and mind. She has abilities like speaking Spanish, and making great soup.
“You can spot them on da top in da bottom, gotta a bill in my mouth like I’m Hillary Rodham” – Grillz performed by Nelly featuring Paul Wall, Ali, and Gipp. • I have jewelry in mouth which you can see is on my upper teeth and lower ones too. The mouth jewelry is worth $100,000.
“My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard” –Milkshake performed by Kelis. • I give good blow jobs, come get one.
“Back then ho’s didn’t want me, now I’m hot, ho’s all on me. MIKE JONES” – Back Then performed by Mike Jones. • Awhile back girls didn’t like me because I didn’t have a good job. I worked at the Clark station and people only liked me because I sold them beer even though they were under 21. Now I make a decent salary and work in middle management, and girls like talking to me.
“Turn my swag on, it’s my time to turn it up, yeah, yeah, I put my team on, did my theme song, now it’s time to turn it up, yeah, yeah” – Turn My Swag On performed by Soulja Boy. • No f’ing clue
“Uh, uh, uh, 1, 2, 1, 2. …..Uh, uh, 1, 2, 1, 2, uh, uh, all my dogs”- Hip Hop performed by Dead Prez.• Come on now guys, get out here, don’t make me count to three. I am super serious.
“You know me – I don’t need no introduction and shit. Ride Bentley’s ‘round the city on buttons, ya bitch. Arm’s hangin’, wrist blingin’ – just stun’n and shit. Drop the top, block is hot, stay bumpin ya bitch” - #1 Stunna performed by Big Tymers featuring Lil’ Wayne and Juvenile.• Hey!, it’s me you guys, you knew I was coming over. I brought my car. Lets go for a ride around down town. Maybe we can stop at the North Market and get fresh veggies. When I drive I like to put my arm out the window so I can show off my new Timex. It is pretty hot out, so we may want to put the convertible top down, silly. Please turn up the music, and keep it on 94.7.
“I got the magic stick, I know if I can hit once, I can hit twice. I hit the baddest chicks, shorty don’t believe me, then come with me tonight and I’ll show you maaaagic, what? what? maaaaagic, I got the magic stick” – Magic Stick performed by 50 Cent• My penis is above average in both length and girth. If you have intercourse with me once, I can only assume you’ll want to do it again. You should believe me because I have made love to many women, like your sister Amy.
“Come to my crib tonight, let me beat dat puss all night. Run tell yo buddies I fucked you right. Tell ’em bout all the plaques on the wall, tell ’em how you licked my balls”. – Kryptonite performed by Purple Ribbon All Stars.• You should come over to my condo this evening. If things go right and you like the wine we will have sex for 4-6 minutes. When we are done, please tell your girlfriends that I was good at sex. I’m just using you to get to them. I don’t think you’re very pretty and your stories bore me. Also, tell them about my Employee of the Month, and Worthington Co-ed Softball League Runner-Up trophies. Oh, and tell ‘em how you licked my balls.
“Guess who back in the motherfucking house with a fat dick for your motherfucking mouth” – Ain’t No Fun if the Homies Can’t Have None performed by Snoop Dogg.
• Guess who is back in the motherfucking house with a fat dick for your motherfucking mouth? Me.
“Girl I don’t need you, but chu need me. Take it off, let it flow, shake it freely” – Ms. New Booty performed by Jordan Sparxxxxx.
• I think you’re okay, but I know you “like” like me. Suzy told me during study hall. Take your skirt off and let me see how your ass shakes when you walk to the drinking fountain.
“Not on the bed, lay me on your sofa. Phone before you come, I need to shave my chocha. You do or you don’t or you will or won’t you go downtown and eat it like a vulture” – Work It performed by Missy Elliot.
• I’m feeling frisky, let’s do this in the den. Oh my, it’s almost summer which means BIKINI SEASON!!! I better shave off my pube bush. You haven’t pleased me orally since I gave birth to the twins. I knew you shouldn’t have been in the delivery room, you have such a weak stomach. Please tongue it.
Now you know.
I vote for Ian.
ReplyDeleteI have to admit, I actually cried a few times while reading this. It was so beautiful...
ReplyDelete