in todays american economic climate, its important to not set your goals too low. many people look at their bleak financial outlook and think theres not much they can do but bide their time and make minimum payments on those credit cards they maxed out following justin bieber around on his tour during the spring of 2003 when he was negative seven years old.
TIPS FOR BEING GOOD AND HAVING IT ALL
* invest in a full length mirror for your bedroom. its always good to have a general idea of what you look like as a whole before you head out for the day. when you have an extra couple of minutes on a friday night, strip down completely naked, stand in front of the mirror with a knife, and see what happens. as the blood begins to pool on the ground, tell yourself that youll never let him hurt you ever again.
* grab the dog, pack an overnight bag, and take a road trip for the weekend by yourself. where will you go? it doesnt matter - just go. road trips are an excellent way to unwind after a particularly stressful week at work. when you arrive at your destination, get hired as a bouncer at a local bar that is known for its dangerous and shifty patrons. change your name to dalton. kick the living shit out of everyone you see. pain dont hurt.
* if theres one thing all people can respect, its someone that breaks into their house in the middle of the night with a machine gun. they have to respect that. they dont have a choice.
* get to know your boyfriend better. its likely that you may not know everything there is to know about him. ask him what his hopes and fears are. see if you share some of the same dreams for your futures. when you inevitably find out that he is sleeping with your sister, you cant really be all that pissed off. its your fault for asking. this line of questioning is exactly the stress inducing crap that led him to sleep around in the first place. you have a lot of nerve.
* remember to stop and smell the roses - literally. take a walk in a public park, or down by a secluded lake. wanna see a dead body?
* make it a point to visit a local retirement home and talk with members of the greatest generation while you still have the chance. listen to their stories, and learn from their experiences. really soak in the time you spend with them. and if they try to get fresh with you (which they will), shoot them in the face with a harpoon gun.
* chances are pretty good that at this point in your life you have a few illegitimate children running around somewhere. chances are excellent that now, more than ever, the illegal human slave industry is really starting to gain momentum. im not telling you what to do here. all im saying is that there is money to be made.
* with every bottle of milk you let your (human) baby eat, make sure there is a little whiskey in there. gradually increase the amount throughout his or her life. by the time that kid is eleven, they will be unstoppable at drinking games. and this is when you strike. strike at what? strike where? it doesnt matter. just get it done.
* hospitals are an excellent source of vitamins and minerals and money, and are just waiting to be cultivated into an area of intense focus and strategy. plan ahead and get to know where you would best fit in. dont be afraid to be yourself amongst the hundred of applicants. start a plan and follow thorough. if you dont understand the point i am trying to make, you arent smoking nearly as much crystal meth as we decided you would. and thats a you problem.
* try to incorporate more fruits and vegetables in your diet. there is nothing better than a fruit salad on a warm summer afternoon. try adding yummy veggies to your everyday diet and things you already eat. put sprouts on your turkey sandwiches. add some spinach into your pasta. tie a belt around your neck until you get lightheaded. scream into a pillow and punch holes into your ceiling with a serving spoon. tell yourself that youll never let him hurt you ever again.
good luck!
TIPS FOR BEING GOOD AND HAVING IT ALL
* invest in a full length mirror for your bedroom. its always good to have a general idea of what you look like as a whole before you head out for the day. when you have an extra couple of minutes on a friday night, strip down completely naked, stand in front of the mirror with a knife, and see what happens. as the blood begins to pool on the ground, tell yourself that youll never let him hurt you ever again.
* grab the dog, pack an overnight bag, and take a road trip for the weekend by yourself. where will you go? it doesnt matter - just go. road trips are an excellent way to unwind after a particularly stressful week at work. when you arrive at your destination, get hired as a bouncer at a local bar that is known for its dangerous and shifty patrons. change your name to dalton. kick the living shit out of everyone you see. pain dont hurt.
* if theres one thing all people can respect, its someone that breaks into their house in the middle of the night with a machine gun. they have to respect that. they dont have a choice.
* get to know your boyfriend better. its likely that you may not know everything there is to know about him. ask him what his hopes and fears are. see if you share some of the same dreams for your futures. when you inevitably find out that he is sleeping with your sister, you cant really be all that pissed off. its your fault for asking. this line of questioning is exactly the stress inducing crap that led him to sleep around in the first place. you have a lot of nerve.
* remember to stop and smell the roses - literally. take a walk in a public park, or down by a secluded lake. wanna see a dead body?
* make it a point to visit a local retirement home and talk with members of the greatest generation while you still have the chance. listen to their stories, and learn from their experiences. really soak in the time you spend with them. and if they try to get fresh with you (which they will), shoot them in the face with a harpoon gun.
* chances are pretty good that at this point in your life you have a few illegitimate children running around somewhere. chances are excellent that now, more than ever, the illegal human slave industry is really starting to gain momentum. im not telling you what to do here. all im saying is that there is money to be made.
* with every bottle of milk you let your (human) baby eat, make sure there is a little whiskey in there. gradually increase the amount throughout his or her life. by the time that kid is eleven, they will be unstoppable at drinking games. and this is when you strike. strike at what? strike where? it doesnt matter. just get it done.
* hospitals are an excellent source of vitamins and minerals and money, and are just waiting to be cultivated into an area of intense focus and strategy. plan ahead and get to know where you would best fit in. dont be afraid to be yourself amongst the hundred of applicants. start a plan and follow thorough. if you dont understand the point i am trying to make, you arent smoking nearly as much crystal meth as we decided you would. and thats a you problem.
* try to incorporate more fruits and vegetables in your diet. there is nothing better than a fruit salad on a warm summer afternoon. try adding yummy veggies to your everyday diet and things you already eat. put sprouts on your turkey sandwiches. add some spinach into your pasta. tie a belt around your neck until you get lightheaded. scream into a pillow and punch holes into your ceiling with a serving spoon. tell yourself that youll never let him hurt you ever again.
good luck!
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