How To Break Up...

its an unavoidable reality. if you date someone, you are eventually going to break up with them or they are going to break up with you. one of these two scenarios will happen. you cant argue with science.

it matters not if you are married, engaged, dating, or that annoying friend on facebook that is constantly posting pictures of their baby, as if the little filthy devil spawn has really changed all that much from months 2-5. its a baby, get it out of my face. my face is where beer goes. your baby is getting in the way of my beer.

its as guaranteed as life, death and taxes - the very second you kiss someone, hold someones hand, or force penetration on someones hot body, the breakup has already started.

luckily for you, team secret falcon is here to help.

HOW TO BREAK UP

* often times when breakups occur, there can be an overwhelming feeling of anger from one or both of the parties involved. its important to remember that you are both adults, and you have to act like it. channel your anger somewhere constructive, somewhere where it can be used to accomplish what you have set out to do. like, say, your fists. use your fists on your girlfriend to get your point across. the more blood there is, the more clear you are likely being.

* figure out where you want the breakup to occur. try to pick a place that is stress-free and void of any unhealthy distractions. like your bedroom. or if that wont work, their bedroom. its going to be hot in there, so remember to take off your clothes. overheating is a serious concern in todays brutal economy.

* it is likely that the person being broken up with is going to try to convince the other party involved that they are capable of changing that which has led to the breakup in the first place. its probably a good idea to assume that they are telling the truth and give them many, many more chances.

* if at all possible, try to involve alcohol. and lots of it.

* its probably a good idea to let her be the last person that finds out you are going to break up with her. if possible, talk to her friends beforehand to gauge how they think she will react. get to know her tendencies in past breakups, and use this knowledge to defeat her more easily. while you are at it, why not try sleeping with her sister? its worth a shot.

* always breakup on a monday morning. on the phone. on her way to work. it will give her the entire week to think about what shes done.

* its important that she know that this isnt easy for you either. tell her that the decision has been carefully thought out and isnt something you are rushing into. does she think this is easy for you? because its not. what kind of sick bastard would enjoy something like this? does she think you enjoyed sleeping with her sister? well, kinda.

* lets not pretend that she isnt going to cry. because she will. and this is someone that you have cared about for a long time, so its would be nearly impossible for you to just completely ignore her and walk away. but try to anyway.

* above all else, dont leave her playing the guessing game after the breakup in complete. thats not fair. make sure she knows it was her fault and that you take no responsibility for anything that has gone wrong whatsoever.

* whenever possible, use comparisons. like, for instance, tell her that some of the things that she did that led to the breakup are the very things that you appreciate in your new girlfriend. when she acts upset and begins to cry again, dont forget to use your fists to really hammer your point home.

* women love chocolate. so, like, eat some in front of her. she will appreciate that.

* dont come across as confused or torn. let her know that this is what is happening, and there is nothing she can do about it. use language that really enforces your decision. words like "tramp" and "hussie" and "slutbag" and "thick" and "weak" and "horrible, horrible mistake" can go a long way to letting her know why this is all happening.

* if we have learned anything over the years, its that presents are expensive. to avoid any unnecessary costs, always try to breakup on a holiday or birthday or anniversary. its likely that her family will be in town, so she can seek comfort in their presence. and you can bird-dog her sister as hard as is legally allowed.

* allow her to see your point of view. ask her if she has noticed a lag in the relationship - she will probably be honest with you and say yes. when she does, tell her it was because of her weight gain. when she acts surprised and claims she hasnt gained weight, tell her that she being emotional because shes on her period.

good luck!