last night, at our usual monday night open gym fiasco, i witnessed something i never thought i would see with my own eyeballs...
...bill wagg dunked a basketball. in real life. in front of people. and everyone saw him do it.
in celebration of this insane accomplishment, team secret falcon was granted a once-in-a-lifetime interview with the man, the myth, the legend - mr william john wagg.
enjoy...
THE BILL WAGG INTERVIEW
MH: welcome, wagg. on behalf of everyone here at team secret falcon, i would like to say "thank you" for granting us access to your person.
BW: ooooooooooh, da bill wagg show!
MH: yes, thats nice. moving along. is it true that you dunked a basketball last night at open gym?
BW: bill wagg dunk basketball! bill wagg slam dunk hoop! da bill wagg show!
MH: how did it feel?
BW: billy waggs! billy waggs dunk slam jam!
MH: interesting. rumor also has it that you recently became engaged to a woman named beth. care to speak to these allegations?
BW: bill wagg much like beth! oooooooh narshistness! bill wagg buy ring from nice lady to give to nice lady! north carolina tarheels! ooooooooooh bill wagg!
MH: is it not true that your full name is "william john wagg" and your brothers full name is "john william wagg"?
BW: yes, that in fact is true.
MH: whats up with that?
BW: my parents are drinkers, morgan. heavy, heavy drinkers. sometimes when you find a couple names that you really like, you want to use them more than once.
MH: what does your parents being heavy drinkers have to do with anything?
BW: ooooooooh! da bill wagg show!
MH: fantastic. moving along. give us an idea of what a normal day is like in the life of one of columbus' most handsome men. then talk about yourself after that.
BW: hilarious joke.
MH: thanks.
BW: well, i wake up around 7am with or without my alarm going off. sometimes i have bad dreams involving something happening to beth, so i usually roll over and punch her in the face just to make sure she is okay. its weird, because almost always when i have those dreams she ends up with a bloody nose. after that i eat a few rufus burgers and practice my super wet jump shot. i then go to work at skyline chili and spend the rest of the day there.
MH: you work at skyline?
BW: no, why?
MH: wait, what?
BW: ooooooooooh da bill wagg show!
MH: is it not true that you wear your glasses during basketball and keep them attached to your head with a rubber band, as if you were some sort of ghetto kurt rambis?
BW: that statement would be accurate, yes.
MH: whats the thinking behind that?
BW: there is very little thinking behind it, actually.
KATHY WAGG: hi, bill! hi, morg! care to clean out the gutters for two dollars?
MH: not at all.
BW: no.
KATHY WAGG: well okay, just remember - we have ian maute coming over for dinner tonight, and he's going to have to bring and cook his own meat if he wants to eat!
IAN MAUTE: gay.
MH: what are some of your hobbies? how do you spend your free time?
BW: i play basketball, pick up drifters on the highway and "get to know them", do various types of hardcore drugs, watch "gilmore girls" on DVD, wash my chest and inner thighs with soap, invent new ways to retain heat on nuclear submarines, go wine tasting, treat women and children with the respect they deserve, play nba jam, give out free high fives to the victims of hurricane katrina, chat on america online version 4.0, defend hastings middle school against those who wish to do it harm, transfer to grandview heights high school, shave my chest and inner thighs with a disposable razor, and watch "gilmore girls" on DVD.
MH: you said watch "gilmore girls" on DVD twice.
BW: yep i did.
KATHY WAGG: hey guys! anyone want to clean up rufus crap in the back yard for a dollar fifty?
MH: no one wants to do anything for you. ever. ever!
BW: i dont have a date for prom and i dont know who to ask. who should i ask?
MH: kristy, definitely kristy.
BW: do you think she'll say yes?
MH: do you think she'll be able to say no?
BW: oooooooh billy waggs!!!!!!
IAN MAUTE: you really think its okay to invite a 12 year old kid over for dinner and make him cook his own meat on the girll? what type of person thinks thats okay?
KATHY WAGG: also, we're going to have to ask you to go ahead and move that gigantic pile of mulch thats in the driveway off into the yard. that would be great, thanks.
IAN MAUTE: i am leaving this house and never coming back.
MH: this is getting out of hand. looks like its time to end this interview. thanks to everyone for taking the time to speak to team secret falcon.
BW: bill wagg show dunk a slam jam hoop!!!!!!!
IAN MAUTE: i hate my life and what has become of it.
KATHY WAGG: i will pay someone seventy-five cents to eat this pile of cat poop. anyone? guys? hello?
...bill wagg dunked a basketball. in real life. in front of people. and everyone saw him do it.
in celebration of this insane accomplishment, team secret falcon was granted a once-in-a-lifetime interview with the man, the myth, the legend - mr william john wagg.
enjoy...
THE BILL WAGG INTERVIEW
MH: welcome, wagg. on behalf of everyone here at team secret falcon, i would like to say "thank you" for granting us access to your person.
BW: ooooooooooh, da bill wagg show!
MH: yes, thats nice. moving along. is it true that you dunked a basketball last night at open gym?
BW: bill wagg dunk basketball! bill wagg slam dunk hoop! da bill wagg show!
MH: how did it feel?
BW: billy waggs! billy waggs dunk slam jam!
MH: interesting. rumor also has it that you recently became engaged to a woman named beth. care to speak to these allegations?
BW: bill wagg much like beth! oooooooh narshistness! bill wagg buy ring from nice lady to give to nice lady! north carolina tarheels! ooooooooooh bill wagg!
MH: is it not true that your full name is "william john wagg" and your brothers full name is "john william wagg"?
BW: yes, that in fact is true.
MH: whats up with that?
BW: my parents are drinkers, morgan. heavy, heavy drinkers. sometimes when you find a couple names that you really like, you want to use them more than once.
MH: what does your parents being heavy drinkers have to do with anything?
BW: ooooooooh! da bill wagg show!
MH: fantastic. moving along. give us an idea of what a normal day is like in the life of one of columbus' most handsome men. then talk about yourself after that.
BW: hilarious joke.
MH: thanks.
BW: well, i wake up around 7am with or without my alarm going off. sometimes i have bad dreams involving something happening to beth, so i usually roll over and punch her in the face just to make sure she is okay. its weird, because almost always when i have those dreams she ends up with a bloody nose. after that i eat a few rufus burgers and practice my super wet jump shot. i then go to work at skyline chili and spend the rest of the day there.
MH: you work at skyline?
BW: no, why?
MH: wait, what?
BW: ooooooooooh da bill wagg show!
MH: is it not true that you wear your glasses during basketball and keep them attached to your head with a rubber band, as if you were some sort of ghetto kurt rambis?
BW: that statement would be accurate, yes.
MH: whats the thinking behind that?
BW: there is very little thinking behind it, actually.
KATHY WAGG: hi, bill! hi, morg! care to clean out the gutters for two dollars?
MH: not at all.
BW: no.
KATHY WAGG: well okay, just remember - we have ian maute coming over for dinner tonight, and he's going to have to bring and cook his own meat if he wants to eat!
IAN MAUTE: gay.
MH: what are some of your hobbies? how do you spend your free time?
BW: i play basketball, pick up drifters on the highway and "get to know them", do various types of hardcore drugs, watch "gilmore girls" on DVD, wash my chest and inner thighs with soap, invent new ways to retain heat on nuclear submarines, go wine tasting, treat women and children with the respect they deserve, play nba jam, give out free high fives to the victims of hurricane katrina, chat on america online version 4.0, defend hastings middle school against those who wish to do it harm, transfer to grandview heights high school, shave my chest and inner thighs with a disposable razor, and watch "gilmore girls" on DVD.
MH: you said watch "gilmore girls" on DVD twice.
BW: yep i did.
KATHY WAGG: hey guys! anyone want to clean up rufus crap in the back yard for a dollar fifty?
MH: no one wants to do anything for you. ever. ever!
BW: i dont have a date for prom and i dont know who to ask. who should i ask?
MH: kristy, definitely kristy.
BW: do you think she'll say yes?
MH: do you think she'll be able to say no?
BW: oooooooh billy waggs!!!!!!
IAN MAUTE: you really think its okay to invite a 12 year old kid over for dinner and make him cook his own meat on the girll? what type of person thinks thats okay?
KATHY WAGG: also, we're going to have to ask you to go ahead and move that gigantic pile of mulch thats in the driveway off into the yard. that would be great, thanks.
IAN MAUTE: i am leaving this house and never coming back.
MH: this is getting out of hand. looks like its time to end this interview. thanks to everyone for taking the time to speak to team secret falcon.
BW: bill wagg show dunk a slam jam hoop!!!!!!!
IAN MAUTE: i hate my life and what has become of it.
KATHY WAGG: i will pay someone seventy-five cents to eat this pile of cat poop. anyone? guys? hello?
oooh rufus burgers...
ReplyDeleteWow! I want to see it! I heard white guys can't jump! Would you like to play on my 7th grade intramural team? We play in Upper Arlington.
ReplyDelete