my buddy mike "the real deal" steele (dot blogspot dot com) and i were talking about women this morning. about how they smell like flowers and we like that. about how they cannot be trusted. about how their menstruation attracts bears.
but most of all, we were talking about how to impress them and make them fall madly in love with you and make them want to give you all of their money. except not the money part. but it wouldnt hurt your chances, ladies. im just sayin.
HOW TO IMPRESS WOMEN
* tell her how close you were to your mother - women love that kind of stuff. tell her how much you miss her since she passed, and that you think of her every single morning when you wake up. tell them that the day you murdered her for the insurance money was one of the worst days of your life.
* make sure to compliment her new sun dress. she obviously spent a lot of time choosing her outfit, and its bad news for you if you dont go out of your way to say something nice about it. tell her that your friend connie has the same dress, but you would rather sleep with her than connie. six times with connie was enough. shes kind of a tramp anyway. tell her she reminds you a lot of your friend connie.
* send her a love letter, old-fashion style, in the mail. tell her why she means so much to you. tell her the sun shines a little brighter, and the birds sing a little louder when she is with you. use your own blood as ink. tell her that if she ever leaves you, you will kill yourself. commitment.
* on your first date, make sure to ask questions about her family and her friends, because women really love their family and their friends. dear lord, do they love their friends. their friends are LITERALLY AMAZING, and they would be lost without their family. oh really? one unique thing about you is that you love your friends and family? way to go out on a limb, tenley. just once, i want to meet someone who hates their parents and wants their friends to die. just once.
* remember to make eye contact. deep, direct, uncomfortable eye contact. and dont break it. ever. tell her you want to lick her eyeballs. romance.
* make sure to be the one who initiates the first contact. give her a warm hug, or lightly slap her in the face and tell her to stay the hell away from that guy who sat you at applebees. if you even so much as think about him again, im going to cut you. deep. with a knife. tell her she has a beautifully sculpted neck.
* chances are, shes going to have a boyfriend / fiance / husband. dont worry, this situation is easily fixed with the right type of blackmail / poison / chainsaw. or, like, if they live together, you could always burn down their house with their pets inside. or something.
* women dont really like guys who are exceptionally normal - you have to make yourself stand out a little bit. be unique. be someone who they wont be able to forget - someone who they cant stop thinking about. i have found that carrying a nalgene bottle around you filled with your own urine / spit / blood is something a lot of girls think is really, really neat.
* talk to her sister and find out what she likes and dislikes. and whatever you do, dont sleep with her sister. unless she is really hot and you really want to.
* tell her you killed 27 men in vietnam. but not in a war or anything. only because you are a racist.
good luck!
but most of all, we were talking about how to impress them and make them fall madly in love with you and make them want to give you all of their money. except not the money part. but it wouldnt hurt your chances, ladies. im just sayin.
HOW TO IMPRESS WOMEN
* tell her how close you were to your mother - women love that kind of stuff. tell her how much you miss her since she passed, and that you think of her every single morning when you wake up. tell them that the day you murdered her for the insurance money was one of the worst days of your life.
* make sure to compliment her new sun dress. she obviously spent a lot of time choosing her outfit, and its bad news for you if you dont go out of your way to say something nice about it. tell her that your friend connie has the same dress, but you would rather sleep with her than connie. six times with connie was enough. shes kind of a tramp anyway. tell her she reminds you a lot of your friend connie.
* send her a love letter, old-fashion style, in the mail. tell her why she means so much to you. tell her the sun shines a little brighter, and the birds sing a little louder when she is with you. use your own blood as ink. tell her that if she ever leaves you, you will kill yourself. commitment.
* on your first date, make sure to ask questions about her family and her friends, because women really love their family and their friends. dear lord, do they love their friends. their friends are LITERALLY AMAZING, and they would be lost without their family. oh really? one unique thing about you is that you love your friends and family? way to go out on a limb, tenley. just once, i want to meet someone who hates their parents and wants their friends to die. just once.
* remember to make eye contact. deep, direct, uncomfortable eye contact. and dont break it. ever. tell her you want to lick her eyeballs. romance.
* make sure to be the one who initiates the first contact. give her a warm hug, or lightly slap her in the face and tell her to stay the hell away from that guy who sat you at applebees. if you even so much as think about him again, im going to cut you. deep. with a knife. tell her she has a beautifully sculpted neck.
* chances are, shes going to have a boyfriend / fiance / husband. dont worry, this situation is easily fixed with the right type of blackmail / poison / chainsaw. or, like, if they live together, you could always burn down their house with their pets inside. or something.
* women dont really like guys who are exceptionally normal - you have to make yourself stand out a little bit. be unique. be someone who they wont be able to forget - someone who they cant stop thinking about. i have found that carrying a nalgene bottle around you filled with your own urine / spit / blood is something a lot of girls think is really, really neat.
* talk to her sister and find out what she likes and dislikes. and whatever you do, dont sleep with her sister. unless she is really hot and you really want to.
* tell her you killed 27 men in vietnam. but not in a war or anything. only because you are a racist.
good luck!
Have you ever thought of anger management?????
ReplyDeleteOr checking your self into a mental hospital with a padded room where you are away from the public?
ReplyDeletei will kill you both for even thinking that. then i will eat your dead bodies.
ReplyDelete