people are always coming up to me and asking me questions like "will you be my husband and take me as your lover", and im always like "no, molly iams - you are married and have a baby now. i will not break up your marriage!" but then i am all "just kidding, of course i will break up your marriage." then i am like "lose the baby and we'll talk." and then i go "even if you dont lose the baby, i shall take you as my lover anyway."
crystal meth is a powerful drug.
a question i get far, far more than any other is "how can we, as a people, get along better with people of different skin colors that we dont trust and are certain will steal from us given the chance?"
dont worry, team secret falcon is here to help.
HOW TO SPREAD YOUR LOVE ON PEOPLE ALL OVER THE WORLD
.....wait, no. that sounds filthy.
HOW TO RELATE TO PEOPLE WHO DONT LOOK LIKE YOU
* if you are trying to relate to an asian person, it can initially be a very difficult scenario in which to operate. you see, asians come from a section of the world known as "china", which is famous for two things only - kung-fu and karate. most asians, even if they grew up in america (which is highly unlikely), are used to communicating through the martial arts - or "talk-fighting". its a good idea to remember to throw the occasional karate chop their way, and always make sure to scream "hiiiiiii-yah!" at the end of every sentence / roundhouse kick.
* indians are from india. while this is true 100% of the time, some of them still prefer to be called "native americans" which is thanks to the war of 1812 or something like that. scientists are unsure.
* in the united states, there are two types of white people. the easiest to get along with, by far, are known as "liberal hipster douchebags" and you can easily spot them by being on the lookout for thick-rimmed glasses and faded vintage chicago cubs or boston red soxs t-shirts / hats. if you are of a darker complexion, dont worry about trying to relate to them. you dont even have to be nice in order to gain their companionship. they will put up with most anything, so long as they feel justified screaming the phrase "SOME OF MY BEST FRIENDS ARE BLACK" in general conversation with other liberal hipster douchebags.
* the other group of white people are known as "republicans", and you should just go ahead and forget about dating their daughters. that wont be happening.
* it is unlikely that black people are going to initially trust you - and rightfully so. ever since africans came to this country as willing and excited financial partners back in the late 1960s, other races have been stealing the "cool" aspects of their culture and ruining everything in the process. jazz music, hip hop culture, corn rows, that half-handshake-half-man-hug thing, and malted alcoholic beverages are but a few examples of this horrific practice. its a good idea to tell any black guy you meet that you have no intentions of walking, talking, or dressing like him at any point in the near future. tell him that you dont even like throwback basketball jerseys.
* it is a known fact that a majority of white americans living in the southwest portion of the country are really those filthy mexicans in disguise who come to our land to steal our lucrative fruit-picking jobs that so many legal residents in america wish that they had. dont fall for their lies and tricks. we all know that being mexican is a crime.
* asians have a difficult time understanding the english language when sentences arent ended with the phrase "most honorable". try conversing with chinese people like this...
"i see from your insurance card that you just handed me at the scene of this traffic accident you caused that you have state farm insurance. they are a most honorable company."
"you are a gifted violin player. my OBGYN is also a chinese lady. mathematics is a most honorable pursuit."
* it is likely that almost all of your friends who are of greek descent have an uncle who owns a donut shop or a portable meat-cooking cart that you might see outside of a bar or club at 4am. tell them how much you respect them for being business owners, so long as they dont employ any of those dirty, stinking mexican criminals.
* many white americans have facial hair and put "proud to be an american" bumper stickers on the back of their ford trucks. when speaking with them, they appreciate if you start most sentences with the phrase "my grandpappy didnt storm the beaches of normandy so these queers can..." - pretty much anything you say after that will be fine. "get married" works. "adopt children" works. "gentrify our perfectly good ghettos and slums" is a popular choice.
* many people in todays united states are immigrants from the continent of south america. which is pretty much the same thing as being a dirty, stinking, filthy, illegal mexican who is bent on destroying this country one lawn-mowing job at a time, if you ask me.
* a good way to become friends with any given black person is to put double the amount of sugar in your kool aid that you normally would. when you have finished this, try adding a little bit more. then some more. it probably wouldnt hurt to add just a little more.
* when making generic conversation with a white person, its important to remember to use the words "literally" and "amazing" as much as you possibly can. for instance...
"this is literally the most amazing mojito i have had in the last three weeks. it is literally amazing."
or
"i literally cannot understand how people can just blindly buy their produce at kroger or giant eagle when there are so many amazing farmers markets just sitting literally two or three miles away from their house. it is literally amazing how sheltered and short-sighted some people can be."
together we can make this world a better place.
crystal meth is a powerful drug.
a question i get far, far more than any other is "how can we, as a people, get along better with people of different skin colors that we dont trust and are certain will steal from us given the chance?"
dont worry, team secret falcon is here to help.
HOW TO SPREAD YOUR LOVE ON PEOPLE ALL OVER THE WORLD
.....wait, no. that sounds filthy.
HOW TO RELATE TO PEOPLE WHO DONT LOOK LIKE YOU
* if you are trying to relate to an asian person, it can initially be a very difficult scenario in which to operate. you see, asians come from a section of the world known as "china", which is famous for two things only - kung-fu and karate. most asians, even if they grew up in america (which is highly unlikely), are used to communicating through the martial arts - or "talk-fighting". its a good idea to remember to throw the occasional karate chop their way, and always make sure to scream "hiiiiiii-yah!" at the end of every sentence / roundhouse kick.
* indians are from india. while this is true 100% of the time, some of them still prefer to be called "native americans" which is thanks to the war of 1812 or something like that. scientists are unsure.
* in the united states, there are two types of white people. the easiest to get along with, by far, are known as "liberal hipster douchebags" and you can easily spot them by being on the lookout for thick-rimmed glasses and faded vintage chicago cubs or boston red soxs t-shirts / hats. if you are of a darker complexion, dont worry about trying to relate to them. you dont even have to be nice in order to gain their companionship. they will put up with most anything, so long as they feel justified screaming the phrase "SOME OF MY BEST FRIENDS ARE BLACK" in general conversation with other liberal hipster douchebags.
* the other group of white people are known as "republicans", and you should just go ahead and forget about dating their daughters. that wont be happening.
* it is unlikely that black people are going to initially trust you - and rightfully so. ever since africans came to this country as willing and excited financial partners back in the late 1960s, other races have been stealing the "cool" aspects of their culture and ruining everything in the process. jazz music, hip hop culture, corn rows, that half-handshake-half-man-hug thing, and malted alcoholic beverages are but a few examples of this horrific practice. its a good idea to tell any black guy you meet that you have no intentions of walking, talking, or dressing like him at any point in the near future. tell him that you dont even like throwback basketball jerseys.
* it is a known fact that a majority of white americans living in the southwest portion of the country are really those filthy mexicans in disguise who come to our land to steal our lucrative fruit-picking jobs that so many legal residents in america wish that they had. dont fall for their lies and tricks. we all know that being mexican is a crime.
* asians have a difficult time understanding the english language when sentences arent ended with the phrase "most honorable". try conversing with chinese people like this...
"i see from your insurance card that you just handed me at the scene of this traffic accident you caused that you have state farm insurance. they are a most honorable company."
"you are a gifted violin player. my OBGYN is also a chinese lady. mathematics is a most honorable pursuit."
* it is likely that almost all of your friends who are of greek descent have an uncle who owns a donut shop or a portable meat-cooking cart that you might see outside of a bar or club at 4am. tell them how much you respect them for being business owners, so long as they dont employ any of those dirty, stinking mexican criminals.
* many white americans have facial hair and put "proud to be an american" bumper stickers on the back of their ford trucks. when speaking with them, they appreciate if you start most sentences with the phrase "my grandpappy didnt storm the beaches of normandy so these queers can..." - pretty much anything you say after that will be fine. "get married" works. "adopt children" works. "gentrify our perfectly good ghettos and slums" is a popular choice.
* many people in todays united states are immigrants from the continent of south america. which is pretty much the same thing as being a dirty, stinking, filthy, illegal mexican who is bent on destroying this country one lawn-mowing job at a time, if you ask me.
* a good way to become friends with any given black person is to put double the amount of sugar in your kool aid that you normally would. when you have finished this, try adding a little bit more. then some more. it probably wouldnt hurt to add just a little more.
* when making generic conversation with a white person, its important to remember to use the words "literally" and "amazing" as much as you possibly can. for instance...
"this is literally the most amazing mojito i have had in the last three weeks. it is literally amazing."
or
"i literally cannot understand how people can just blindly buy their produce at kroger or giant eagle when there are so many amazing farmers markets just sitting literally two or three miles away from their house. it is literally amazing how sheltered and short-sighted some people can be."
together we can make this world a better place.
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