i think its time for me to get my life together. to accomplish this, its probably a good idea to get some new life goals down on paper. just so i know what im shooting for.
NEW LIFE GOALS 20K10 MY NEW BIKINI BODY ALL THE SINGLE LADIES ALL THE SINGLE LADIES NOW PUT YOUR HANDS UP
* join as many senseless, passive aggressive, over-the-top patriotic facebook groups as possible. you know the type - "if you dont like the american flag, let me help you pack your bags" or "i dont care who you are, i support the marines" or "if loving our soldiers is wrong, i dont want to be right".
what these facebook dolts dont understand is that the very generation (the world war two peeps) they look to longingly with tired eyes for a pat on the back and a sense of patriotic vindication, were so busy being great americans that they didnt have time to constantly remind their friends how great they were and how much they loved this country. they just did it, went on about their days, and didnt cram it down anyones throat in the process.
please, keep loving this country. keep being proud to be an american. just shut the hell up about it or i swear on everything holy that i am going to shoot you in the face with a harpoon gun.
youll have to pry this harpoon gun from my cold, dead hands. RIGHT TO BEAR ARMS. AND HARPOON GUNS.
* every time i do something sinister, i am really going to try to be in the process of smoking a cigar. i feel it enhances the evilness in a way that you cant really get with many other forms of tobacco use.
* become quicker on the draw when a woman within earshot utters the phrase "i really wish i knew how to drive stick."
yeah, i can probably help you out with that.
* hit someone in the face with a baseball bat. i'll bet they werent expecting that.
* adopt an older dog from the humane society. love it and care for it and make sure that it has plenty to eat. give it a good life that it would otherwise not have had. when it has regained its strength, attempt to sell it to a puppy mill. when the puppy mill owner says he doesnt buy dogs, he only sells dogs, quickly abandon the dog as soon as possible. dogs have fleas, and that is gross.
* destroy childrens sand castles at a faster and more intense rate. i think im doing a fairly good job now, but there is always room for improvement. their tears sustain me.
* win a ring for stockton.
* stay as far away from utterly ridiculous girly life goals as possible. im sorry, but "laying on the grass and watching the sunset" is not a life goal. thats just something that happens when you are resting in the evening. "taking a walk in the rain" isnt a life goal either. thats something that happens when you car breaks down.
and if i hear one more idiot girl blabber on and on about how much she loves "laughing and crying at the same time", im going to destroy your childrens sand castle. hard.
* sell more crystal meth. with the extra monies, buy more crystal meth. with extra crystal meth, smoke more crystal meth.
* start my own business. drink more mountain dew. own more graphic t-shirts with angel wings on the back. get really into "deadliest catch". listen to more black eyed peas. have faster healing wounds. win six millions dollars. steal from close friends. become a better and more effective karate master. wear clothes backwards. eat worms. sleep less. become a famous chef. get a facial tattoo. get a facial. give a facial. run for president. hear the wolf cry to the blue corn moon. dance with the devil in the pale moonlight. arrest carmen sandiego. illegally grow marijuana. become a drug lord. have a sensitive side. kill those who discover sensitive side. hunt for treasure. burn down the mission if you want to stay alive. see sex and the city part two on opening night. change my underwear. spend more time with my husband. become a mermaid. fight a king cobra rattlesnake. discover the king cobra rattlesnake. be warm below the storm in our little hideaway beneath the waves. jump up jump up and get down. avoid being struck by lightning. buy my own shrimping boat. cut my face off with a knife. buy tate foricer a new pink dress. avoid the clap jimmy dugan. find a dead body. ride a real choo choo train. push someone off of a building. set myself on fire. meet denzel.
we can make this happen.
NEW LIFE GOALS 20K10 MY NEW BIKINI BODY ALL THE SINGLE LADIES ALL THE SINGLE LADIES NOW PUT YOUR HANDS UP
* join as many senseless, passive aggressive, over-the-top patriotic facebook groups as possible. you know the type - "if you dont like the american flag, let me help you pack your bags" or "i dont care who you are, i support the marines" or "if loving our soldiers is wrong, i dont want to be right".
what these facebook dolts dont understand is that the very generation (the world war two peeps) they look to longingly with tired eyes for a pat on the back and a sense of patriotic vindication, were so busy being great americans that they didnt have time to constantly remind their friends how great they were and how much they loved this country. they just did it, went on about their days, and didnt cram it down anyones throat in the process.
please, keep loving this country. keep being proud to be an american. just shut the hell up about it or i swear on everything holy that i am going to shoot you in the face with a harpoon gun.
youll have to pry this harpoon gun from my cold, dead hands. RIGHT TO BEAR ARMS. AND HARPOON GUNS.
* every time i do something sinister, i am really going to try to be in the process of smoking a cigar. i feel it enhances the evilness in a way that you cant really get with many other forms of tobacco use.
* become quicker on the draw when a woman within earshot utters the phrase "i really wish i knew how to drive stick."
yeah, i can probably help you out with that.
* hit someone in the face with a baseball bat. i'll bet they werent expecting that.
* adopt an older dog from the humane society. love it and care for it and make sure that it has plenty to eat. give it a good life that it would otherwise not have had. when it has regained its strength, attempt to sell it to a puppy mill. when the puppy mill owner says he doesnt buy dogs, he only sells dogs, quickly abandon the dog as soon as possible. dogs have fleas, and that is gross.
* destroy childrens sand castles at a faster and more intense rate. i think im doing a fairly good job now, but there is always room for improvement. their tears sustain me.
* win a ring for stockton.
* stay as far away from utterly ridiculous girly life goals as possible. im sorry, but "laying on the grass and watching the sunset" is not a life goal. thats just something that happens when you are resting in the evening. "taking a walk in the rain" isnt a life goal either. thats something that happens when you car breaks down.
and if i hear one more idiot girl blabber on and on about how much she loves "laughing and crying at the same time", im going to destroy your childrens sand castle. hard.
* sell more crystal meth. with the extra monies, buy more crystal meth. with extra crystal meth, smoke more crystal meth.
* start my own business. drink more mountain dew. own more graphic t-shirts with angel wings on the back. get really into "deadliest catch". listen to more black eyed peas. have faster healing wounds. win six millions dollars. steal from close friends. become a better and more effective karate master. wear clothes backwards. eat worms. sleep less. become a famous chef. get a facial tattoo. get a facial. give a facial. run for president. hear the wolf cry to the blue corn moon. dance with the devil in the pale moonlight. arrest carmen sandiego. illegally grow marijuana. become a drug lord. have a sensitive side. kill those who discover sensitive side. hunt for treasure. burn down the mission if you want to stay alive. see sex and the city part two on opening night. change my underwear. spend more time with my husband. become a mermaid. fight a king cobra rattlesnake. discover the king cobra rattlesnake. be warm below the storm in our little hideaway beneath the waves. jump up jump up and get down. avoid being struck by lightning. buy my own shrimping boat. cut my face off with a knife. buy tate foricer a new pink dress. avoid the clap jimmy dugan. find a dead body. ride a real choo choo train. push someone off of a building. set myself on fire. meet denzel.
we can make this happen.
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