its memorial weekend here in the capital city, and team secret falcon is here to help EVERYONE GET LAID!!!!!!!!!!
wait, no, thats not what i meant. ignore that last part where i was talking about mass copulation. you didnt see that. these are not the droids you are looking for.
we know that (feline) AIDS is everywhere, people. dont be a fool, wrap your (feline) tool.
MEMORIAL WEEKEND IDEAS 2010 AHHH BOOM BOOM BOOM
* a lot of people go into memorial day thinking to themselves, "theres really no way i can steal money from my kids college fund, blow it on crystal meth and hookers. that wouldnt be right." sure, it probably would be right - but would it be fun? you bet your sweet puerto rican ass it would be fun.
* rent a boat and take your fiance out on the lake for the day. pack a nice lunch, and have some white wine chilled on ice. raise your glass in a toast to your enduring love. if you tie cinder blocks to her ankles, you wont have to worry about the body eventually floating to the top.
* play some frisbee with some of your best friends from college. those years you spent in the frat together really nurtured that special bond you all share. who knows, maybe this is finally the day when you tell matt that you have a homosexual gay crush on him. it is likely he will laugh it off, make a joke about the unnecessary use of both "homosexual" and "gay" in the same sentence, and will accuse you of being redundant. but there is nothing funny about the things you are going to do to him. nothing funny at all.
* have secret gchat conversations with mike steele about girls! tee hee hee!
* get in on one of those fun protests downtown in front of the courthouse! gay people having the right to get married? yeah right! people with slightly darker skin color trying to live in our country? no way! what are they going to want next - health care? everyone with a brain knows that only heterosexual white people deserve true happiness.
* stop taking your birth control - your boyfriend will never see it coming! douchebag!
* make it a point to call dave matthews and tim reynolds "dave and tim" when you talk about them. for instance, you could say something like, "i saw dave and tim at hookahville in the summer of '99 - it was literally amazing." because you know them on a personal level well enough to use their first names. asshole.
* when you walk into a party, its usually a good idea to carry yourself as if you were walking onto a yacht. maybe you strategically dip your hat below one eye, maybe you wear a super cute apricot scarf. be sure to keep one eye on the mirror so you can watch yourself gavotte. no doubt by this time all of the women at the party will want to become sexually involved with you, sexually involved with you. if you are a man, and you know what this means, it is likely the state of ohio will never recognize your marriage.
* go the columbus international airport and make jokes about explosives. they love that type of humor!
* chances are good that your wife is going to try to make you go to a cookout at one of her friends house. tell her that you hate it when she gets in one of her moods when shes on her period. your invite to the party will likely be revoked. nice.
* when you are reading your fortune from your fortune cookie, always say "in bed!" at the end. probably one of the most hilarious jokes of all-time.
* a good way to teach children about gun safety is to wake them up in the middle of the night by pointing a loaded gun at them (with the safety off) and screaming "GUN CONTROL IS A SERIOUS MATTER" over and over again with tears running down your face, and maybe you fire a couple rounds off into the ceiling just so you know they are paying attention. the children are our future.
wait, no, thats not what i meant. ignore that last part where i was talking about mass copulation. you didnt see that. these are not the droids you are looking for.
we know that (feline) AIDS is everywhere, people. dont be a fool, wrap your (feline) tool.
MEMORIAL WEEKEND IDEAS 2010 AHHH BOOM BOOM BOOM
* a lot of people go into memorial day thinking to themselves, "theres really no way i can steal money from my kids college fund, blow it on crystal meth and hookers. that wouldnt be right." sure, it probably would be right - but would it be fun? you bet your sweet puerto rican ass it would be fun.
* rent a boat and take your fiance out on the lake for the day. pack a nice lunch, and have some white wine chilled on ice. raise your glass in a toast to your enduring love. if you tie cinder blocks to her ankles, you wont have to worry about the body eventually floating to the top.
* play some frisbee with some of your best friends from college. those years you spent in the frat together really nurtured that special bond you all share. who knows, maybe this is finally the day when you tell matt that you have a homosexual gay crush on him. it is likely he will laugh it off, make a joke about the unnecessary use of both "homosexual" and "gay" in the same sentence, and will accuse you of being redundant. but there is nothing funny about the things you are going to do to him. nothing funny at all.
* have secret gchat conversations with mike steele about girls! tee hee hee!
* get in on one of those fun protests downtown in front of the courthouse! gay people having the right to get married? yeah right! people with slightly darker skin color trying to live in our country? no way! what are they going to want next - health care? everyone with a brain knows that only heterosexual white people deserve true happiness.
* stop taking your birth control - your boyfriend will never see it coming! douchebag!
* make it a point to call dave matthews and tim reynolds "dave and tim" when you talk about them. for instance, you could say something like, "i saw dave and tim at hookahville in the summer of '99 - it was literally amazing." because you know them on a personal level well enough to use their first names. asshole.
* when you walk into a party, its usually a good idea to carry yourself as if you were walking onto a yacht. maybe you strategically dip your hat below one eye, maybe you wear a super cute apricot scarf. be sure to keep one eye on the mirror so you can watch yourself gavotte. no doubt by this time all of the women at the party will want to become sexually involved with you, sexually involved with you. if you are a man, and you know what this means, it is likely the state of ohio will never recognize your marriage.
* go the columbus international airport and make jokes about explosives. they love that type of humor!
* chances are good that your wife is going to try to make you go to a cookout at one of her friends house. tell her that you hate it when she gets in one of her moods when shes on her period. your invite to the party will likely be revoked. nice.
* when you are reading your fortune from your fortune cookie, always say "in bed!" at the end. probably one of the most hilarious jokes of all-time.
* a good way to teach children about gun safety is to wake them up in the middle of the night by pointing a loaded gun at them (with the safety off) and screaming "GUN CONTROL IS A SERIOUS MATTER" over and over again with tears running down your face, and maybe you fire a couple rounds off into the ceiling just so you know they are paying attention. the children are our future.
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