finally, the world cup is here. if this were international superstar soccer 98, and we were playing on the nintendo 64, we could just chalk this up as an eventual brazil domination and move on with our lives.
but it isnt. so we cant. and we wont.
here is everything you need to know about the major players in this years world cup...
COUNTRY TEAMS FOR SOCCER PLAYINGS
Brazil
the little canaries come into the competition as the most successful country in the history of the world cup. expect them to push the envelope on offense, drink copious amounts of heineken, watch UFC fights in the arena district, wear really REALLY tight embroidered t-shirts, and "crush" red bull anywhere from six to eleven times per night. not going to lie, one of them is probably going to rape your girlfriend.
England
the english have been hungry for another cup since their win in the 1966 final against west germany. the surprise of the tournament will be after their opening game loss to the US, when the americans dress up like indians and pour their entire reserve of gatorade into the atlantic ocean.
Germany
the obvious joke here would be something having to do with another team trying to "tear down that defensive wall", but theres nothing funny about getting a soccer ball to the genitals at 75 MPH.
South Africa
the host country is looking to make a serious run, and they believe they can make some waves in this tournament. but this is soccer, not barefoot distance running, so its probably not going to happen. racism.
United States
the americans come into the world cup with the expectation of winning games and moving on. their biggest weakness? local farmers markets and cool vintage clothing shops. and trying to take pictures with people of dark skin color so they can upload them onto facebook. the americans back home will be so jealous.
Mexico
the local south african government has been warned that its only a matter of time before these filthy mexican criminals stop kicking soccer balls and start stealing lawn-mowing jobs. USA! USA! USA!
Japan
the japanese team comes into this years competition looking to improve on their goal scoring and cut down on the amount of traffic accidents their team bus has been causing. since the 1994 cup, the accident total stands at twenty-seven, which is a most honorable number.
Canada
hahahahahahahahahahaha. yeah, right.
France
when i asked the media rep for the french national team to comment on their chances this year, he told me i was a "pussy american" who knew nothing about culture or the proper way to love a woman. but i was too busy taking a shower every day and practicing general body hygiene to be offended.
but it isnt. so we cant. and we wont.
here is everything you need to know about the major players in this years world cup...
COUNTRY TEAMS FOR SOCCER PLAYINGS
Brazil
the little canaries come into the competition as the most successful country in the history of the world cup. expect them to push the envelope on offense, drink copious amounts of heineken, watch UFC fights in the arena district, wear really REALLY tight embroidered t-shirts, and "crush" red bull anywhere from six to eleven times per night. not going to lie, one of them is probably going to rape your girlfriend.
England
the english have been hungry for another cup since their win in the 1966 final against west germany. the surprise of the tournament will be after their opening game loss to the US, when the americans dress up like indians and pour their entire reserve of gatorade into the atlantic ocean.
Germany
the obvious joke here would be something having to do with another team trying to "tear down that defensive wall", but theres nothing funny about getting a soccer ball to the genitals at 75 MPH.
South Africa
the host country is looking to make a serious run, and they believe they can make some waves in this tournament. but this is soccer, not barefoot distance running, so its probably not going to happen. racism.
United States
the americans come into the world cup with the expectation of winning games and moving on. their biggest weakness? local farmers markets and cool vintage clothing shops. and trying to take pictures with people of dark skin color so they can upload them onto facebook. the americans back home will be so jealous.
Mexico
the local south african government has been warned that its only a matter of time before these filthy mexican criminals stop kicking soccer balls and start stealing lawn-mowing jobs. USA! USA! USA!
Japan
the japanese team comes into this years competition looking to improve on their goal scoring and cut down on the amount of traffic accidents their team bus has been causing. since the 1994 cup, the accident total stands at twenty-seven, which is a most honorable number.
Canada
hahahahahahahahahahaha. yeah, right.
France
when i asked the media rep for the french national team to comment on their chances this year, he told me i was a "pussy american" who knew nothing about culture or the proper way to love a woman. but i was too busy taking a shower every day and practicing general body hygiene to be offended.
Brazil sounds Sa fimiliar.
ReplyDeleteI really think that Japan has a shot at winning at least one game. However, early in the second half, all of their players will be run over by a Toyota Monster truck whose brakes have gone out.
ReplyDelete