as you well know, every week here at team secret falcon i post your weekly horoscopes every week. it happens once a week, and thats why i call it my weekly horoscope. or your weekly horoscope. whatever it is, it happens once a week so we know that it has to be accurate.
HOROSCOPE
Aries
way to be such a stuck up ho-bag at put-in-bay this weekend, you stuck up ho-bag. those guys spent hundreds of dollars on you and your friends, and not a single one of you could even be bothered to go back to their seedy hotel room with them and let them drug you and take advantage of you. see? this is exactly why we, as americans, demand a more potent and effective date rape drug.
Taurus
you never listen, do you? how many times has someone told you not to eat from the seafood buffet at the strip club? and now you have diarrhea all over your inner thighs, and there is still an hour left in your quarterly sales meeting. your lucky numbers are 27 and 3.
Gemini
look, its nice that youve discovered bath and body works body spray, and congrats on the abercrombie sweater and new pair of doc martens, but 1997 called and it wants its fashion trends back, okay?
Pisces
oh look, you have a baby. thats great. and you want me to hold it........okay. thats a good baby you have there. oh, and you are telling me all about the things that it does at home. great. whats that? you need to tell me about the things you think it is thinking when it makes a certain face or produces a certain noise? ummm, okay. it looks like your sister when she was a baby? alright. i wont know what real love it until i have a child? thanks. thanks for making me feel like my life is a complete and total waste. why did you bring a baby to a wedding again? bitch.
Leo
the sun is in the third constellation of the celestial plain, and pluto will soon move into the third house of the cosmic rao. this is the universes way of telling you that your new bangs are not working out how you envisioned them. grow them out. like, now.
Virgo
i have checked the cards over and over again, and it unfortunately looks like you are going to be eaten by a dinosaur sometime within the next 4-5 days. sorry about your luck. i'll make sure to console your girlfriend, if you know what i mean. and i mean penetration.
Libra
there is no question your boss is going to come on to you in the copy room this week. let him. quit being such a wet blanket all the time.
Scorpio
bad news from your parents today - they have developed a serious gambling addiction and must move in with you as they have no place else to live. on top of it, your fathers hemorrhoids are worse than ever, and they require daily cleansing and applying of a medical cream, and your mothers arthritis prevents her from helping out. your hair stylist was murdered by a mountain lion, and the new person who cuts your hair will make you resemble the future evil biff tannen from back to the future part 2.
Sagittarius
life is taking a turn for the better, and its time to start paying it forward. invest in a local community garden. help out at a homeless shelter. donate to a worthwhile cause. finally tell your son that you arent his real father. buy a gun and kill the first person you see. use more racial slurs in public.
Capricorn
you best friend hates you, and your family secretly hopes you get transferred somewhere out west. your dog laying a fresh log on your pillow today is a good sign that you should probably kill youself, you pathetic loser.
Aquarius
you are right to think that selling drugs is a market that is really ready to take off. its like, yeah, people are always going to need to do drugs, right? i mean, its not that complicated. go with your gut. there is money to be made here.
Cancer
its not your fault that you have been extra moody and unreliable since switching from the pill to the nuva ring - thats a lot of extra hormones that you arent used to, and its going to take awhile for your body to adapt. in the meantime, make sure to take your frustrations out on your husband. and if the kids are too much to handle, maybe you drive your mini van into a lake or something. i dont know. we're just talking here.
HOROSCOPE
Aries
way to be such a stuck up ho-bag at put-in-bay this weekend, you stuck up ho-bag. those guys spent hundreds of dollars on you and your friends, and not a single one of you could even be bothered to go back to their seedy hotel room with them and let them drug you and take advantage of you. see? this is exactly why we, as americans, demand a more potent and effective date rape drug.
Taurus
you never listen, do you? how many times has someone told you not to eat from the seafood buffet at the strip club? and now you have diarrhea all over your inner thighs, and there is still an hour left in your quarterly sales meeting. your lucky numbers are 27 and 3.
Gemini
look, its nice that youve discovered bath and body works body spray, and congrats on the abercrombie sweater and new pair of doc martens, but 1997 called and it wants its fashion trends back, okay?
Pisces
oh look, you have a baby. thats great. and you want me to hold it........okay. thats a good baby you have there. oh, and you are telling me all about the things that it does at home. great. whats that? you need to tell me about the things you think it is thinking when it makes a certain face or produces a certain noise? ummm, okay. it looks like your sister when she was a baby? alright. i wont know what real love it until i have a child? thanks. thanks for making me feel like my life is a complete and total waste. why did you bring a baby to a wedding again? bitch.
Leo
the sun is in the third constellation of the celestial plain, and pluto will soon move into the third house of the cosmic rao. this is the universes way of telling you that your new bangs are not working out how you envisioned them. grow them out. like, now.
Virgo
i have checked the cards over and over again, and it unfortunately looks like you are going to be eaten by a dinosaur sometime within the next 4-5 days. sorry about your luck. i'll make sure to console your girlfriend, if you know what i mean. and i mean penetration.
Libra
there is no question your boss is going to come on to you in the copy room this week. let him. quit being such a wet blanket all the time.
Scorpio
bad news from your parents today - they have developed a serious gambling addiction and must move in with you as they have no place else to live. on top of it, your fathers hemorrhoids are worse than ever, and they require daily cleansing and applying of a medical cream, and your mothers arthritis prevents her from helping out. your hair stylist was murdered by a mountain lion, and the new person who cuts your hair will make you resemble the future evil biff tannen from back to the future part 2.
Sagittarius
life is taking a turn for the better, and its time to start paying it forward. invest in a local community garden. help out at a homeless shelter. donate to a worthwhile cause. finally tell your son that you arent his real father. buy a gun and kill the first person you see. use more racial slurs in public.
Capricorn
you best friend hates you, and your family secretly hopes you get transferred somewhere out west. your dog laying a fresh log on your pillow today is a good sign that you should probably kill youself, you pathetic loser.
Aquarius
you are right to think that selling drugs is a market that is really ready to take off. its like, yeah, people are always going to need to do drugs, right? i mean, its not that complicated. go with your gut. there is money to be made here.
Cancer
its not your fault that you have been extra moody and unreliable since switching from the pill to the nuva ring - thats a lot of extra hormones that you arent used to, and its going to take awhile for your body to adapt. in the meantime, make sure to take your frustrations out on your husband. and if the kids are too much to handle, maybe you drive your mini van into a lake or something. i dont know. we're just talking here.
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