* the recent heat wave in the midwest has caused many thousands of deaths, culminating in sixteen people dying from heat exposure this month, leaving them dead and really, really not alive. local health authorities are reminding everyone "that its freaking summertime" and to "stop being such giant pussies".
* tonight is decision time for lebron james. he either makes the wisest move a human being can possibly make in leaving cleveland as quickly as possible, or he stays home and gets to personally watch northeast ohio die a slow, painful, and very public death. no one is sure what he will choose, but i am sticking by my original call of him teaming up with katie smith and making the columbus quest the most dominant professional basketball team in the history of the batelle hall at the greater columbus convention center.
* if you are ever stranded in nature, i think its probably a really good idea to cut yourself (probably on the wrists or neck) and collect as much of your own blood into a jar as possible. you never know when you might get hurt and need that blood in the future.
* heres something i love. i love how everyone is completely outraged that there are fish and sea turtles and dolphins in the gulf dying from the oil spill (because that is tragic!) but no one has any feelings whatsoever towards the tens of thousands of animals we slaughter every single day in this country for mcnuggets and whoppers and junior bacon cheeseburgers. the lesson? killing a living creature is okay, so long as its on purpose.
* there comes a time in every mans life where he must make the decision between being faithful to his wife, or having meaningless, unprotected hot monkey relations with a strung-out, cross-dressing latino prostitute in the parking lot of a tj maxx at 3:30 in the morning. you know why hookers cost so much money? because theyre worth it.
* sure, you lost in the championship game of your soccer league for the second straight season. but ultimately, thats not really all that important. whats important is knowing that this family is a family of champions, and your mother and i will never really love you. and im not your real father.
* tonight is decision time for lebron james. he either makes the wisest move a human being can possibly make in leaving cleveland as quickly as possible, or he stays home and gets to personally watch northeast ohio die a slow, painful, and very public death. no one is sure what he will choose, but i am sticking by my original call of him teaming up with katie smith and making the columbus quest the most dominant professional basketball team in the history of the batelle hall at the greater columbus convention center.
* if you are ever stranded in nature, i think its probably a really good idea to cut yourself (probably on the wrists or neck) and collect as much of your own blood into a jar as possible. you never know when you might get hurt and need that blood in the future.
* heres something i love. i love how everyone is completely outraged that there are fish and sea turtles and dolphins in the gulf dying from the oil spill (because that is tragic!) but no one has any feelings whatsoever towards the tens of thousands of animals we slaughter every single day in this country for mcnuggets and whoppers and junior bacon cheeseburgers. the lesson? killing a living creature is okay, so long as its on purpose.
* there comes a time in every mans life where he must make the decision between being faithful to his wife, or having meaningless, unprotected hot monkey relations with a strung-out, cross-dressing latino prostitute in the parking lot of a tj maxx at 3:30 in the morning. you know why hookers cost so much money? because theyre worth it.
* sure, you lost in the championship game of your soccer league for the second straight season. but ultimately, thats not really all that important. whats important is knowing that this family is a family of champions, and your mother and i will never really love you. and im not your real father.
this blog sucks
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