as i stare out at the storm clouds rolling directly at my face during my lunch hour, i cant help but be reminded of the natural disaster survival course i took in middle school.
chances are i am better at you when it comes to not dying as a result of wind storms or really hot afternoons. allow me to change that. come with me on a journey, as i educate your brains on what to do in case of a geo emergency...
TIPS FOR SURVIVING A NATURAL DISASTER OR RAIN STORM
* the best place to be during a lightning storm is as far away from long metal objects as possible. in order to ensure your survival, when the storm is at its peak, slowly carry all of your golf clubs into the middle of an open field so you draw the "electric energy" (science term) to the pile of clubs you have created. after you have carried them, one by one, slowly, with them raised into the air into the middle of the "death field" (science term), find a nearby tree to sit under to watch the magic of nature. you wont want to miss this.
* in case of a world-wide drought, you are going to want to think about water conservation. a good thing to think about is, i dont know, maybe you drink all of your water reserves as quickly as possible and save your urine in old shopping bags? if you ever get really thirsty (because all of your water is gone) you could always drink your carefully stored weenus. knowledge is power.
* wild fires are a serious threat to many things, including cows, trucks, your front law, and easter baskets. in order to protect your personal belongings from an oncoming wild fire, its a good idea to burn the trees and grasses that surround your house. you should see the look on that wildfires face when it realizes it cant get to your wife because everything around her (including her) is burned to death. thatll teach those dirty mexican wildfires to steal our jobs.
* since 1998, the columbus school of art and design estimates that snow storms have savagely murdered somewhere between one and two-hundred thousand people in reynoldsburg alone. knowing your enemy is ninety percent of guaranteeing at least a fifty percent chance of two-thirds of your children not dying from some rouge winter storm with a penchant for drinking the sweet, sweet blood nectar of the innocent american virgin child. you know what snow storms hate? fire. burn down your house.
* it has been said that animals can sense sever oncoming weather. set your dog on fire.
* flash floods are a serious concern in todays american economic climate. once your house has been flooded to death, and you have finished looting your local convenience store (im looking at you, new orleans), chances are good that you will be spending a lot of time outside in the hot, hot sun (im looking at you, OMC). if you come across other victims, and they have red or blonde hair and / or blue eyes, your best bet is to kill them with a knife as soon as possible. people with light complexions dont have souls, and will likely try to make you watch twilight movies or something. who knows what they are capable of.
* i met this guy in st petersburg one time and he was a total dickface. i hate that guy. burn his face off with acid!
* if you are standing in your neighborhood while playing your flute, and you see a cyclone coming directly at you at high speeds, dont worry. thats just the warp tornado and its coming to take you to (hopefully) level eight.
chances are i am better at you when it comes to not dying as a result of wind storms or really hot afternoons. allow me to change that. come with me on a journey, as i educate your brains on what to do in case of a geo emergency...
TIPS FOR SURVIVING A NATURAL DISASTER OR RAIN STORM
* the best place to be during a lightning storm is as far away from long metal objects as possible. in order to ensure your survival, when the storm is at its peak, slowly carry all of your golf clubs into the middle of an open field so you draw the "electric energy" (science term) to the pile of clubs you have created. after you have carried them, one by one, slowly, with them raised into the air into the middle of the "death field" (science term), find a nearby tree to sit under to watch the magic of nature. you wont want to miss this.
* in case of a world-wide drought, you are going to want to think about water conservation. a good thing to think about is, i dont know, maybe you drink all of your water reserves as quickly as possible and save your urine in old shopping bags? if you ever get really thirsty (because all of your water is gone) you could always drink your carefully stored weenus. knowledge is power.
* wild fires are a serious threat to many things, including cows, trucks, your front law, and easter baskets. in order to protect your personal belongings from an oncoming wild fire, its a good idea to burn the trees and grasses that surround your house. you should see the look on that wildfires face when it realizes it cant get to your wife because everything around her (including her) is burned to death. thatll teach those dirty mexican wildfires to steal our jobs.
* since 1998, the columbus school of art and design estimates that snow storms have savagely murdered somewhere between one and two-hundred thousand people in reynoldsburg alone. knowing your enemy is ninety percent of guaranteeing at least a fifty percent chance of two-thirds of your children not dying from some rouge winter storm with a penchant for drinking the sweet, sweet blood nectar of the innocent american virgin child. you know what snow storms hate? fire. burn down your house.
* it has been said that animals can sense sever oncoming weather. set your dog on fire.
* flash floods are a serious concern in todays american economic climate. once your house has been flooded to death, and you have finished looting your local convenience store (im looking at you, new orleans), chances are good that you will be spending a lot of time outside in the hot, hot sun (im looking at you, OMC). if you come across other victims, and they have red or blonde hair and / or blue eyes, your best bet is to kill them with a knife as soon as possible. people with light complexions dont have souls, and will likely try to make you watch twilight movies or something. who knows what they are capable of.
* i met this guy in st petersburg one time and he was a total dickface. i hate that guy. burn his face off with acid!
* if you are standing in your neighborhood while playing your flute, and you see a cyclone coming directly at you at high speeds, dont worry. thats just the warp tornado and its coming to take you to (hopefully) level eight.
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