as the hours until saturdays kickoff against miami (FL) fade away into nothingness, you are no doubt planning on joining us down in the shadow of the horseshoe for yet another season of tailgating perfection. while this is no doubt not your first rodeo, and the thought of someone giving you advice on how to properly get your swerve on gives you an angry tingle in your reproductive system, its important to get back in touch with your inner beer-swiller, and remember just what it takes to be the best pre-gamer you can be.
excelsior!
TIPS FOR A SOLID TAILGATE 2010
* always arrive early. the parking lots fill up quick on the campus of the university of ohio state (hello, terrelle pryor) and you wouldnt want to be "that guy" left driving around aimlessly looking for parking spots as the band enters the stadium. try to keep your cool when you pass a two foot distance between two cars and your girlfriend yells "oooh - theres a spot!" with the enthusiasm of a six year old who just saw the teenage mexican werewolf or the pale teenage vampire in real life. tell her that if she says one more thing, youll shoot her in the face with a harpoon gun. be aggressive.
* lets not kid ourselves - french is going to ask for your number. and hes not going to stop until he gets it. your best bet is to say something like "heres my number, but be careful of when you text or call me. my boyfriend jabrivius usually holds onto my phone, and he can be very jealous since he got out of prison. for murder."
* having children is an important part of any young couples life, but your newborn doesnt belong at a tailgate. as babysitters can be expensive, why not put your baby in its baby-holder (science term) and close it in a closet for the day. what, like its going to get up and walk away? its a baby. they dont even have the necessary verbal communication skills to call for help. solutions.
* your dog is welcome at our tailgate, but understand that i am definitely going to mount it and attempt to ride it like a horse. natural ice.
* you are going to be consuming some adult themed beverages, and theres just no getting around it. be responsible and have a hearty meal beforehand in order to provide your stomach with somewhat of a base layer before consumption. a heaping bowl of ice cream and a few quaaludes should do the trick.
* you and i both know that your ex-girlfriend is going to be there - she always is. a good way to avoid her is to funnel fourteen beers, crush a few hostess fruit pies, polish it off with some boones farm wine-flavored beverage, and pass out in the back of sam's truck. we salute you, peter sevendsen.
* lets be serious - you are probably going to get arrested. a good way to earn respect in the clink is to soil yourself as frequently as you can on the ride in. poopy underwear is like gold on the inside. when your cell mate asks you what you are in for, tell him "well, I lost my temper and i took a knife and i uhh - do you know those 'do not remove under the penalty of law' labels they put on mattresses? well i cut one of them off." i always thought that was the dumbest law.
* thanks for bringing your girlfriend in her super short jean skirt to the tailgate. really, we appreciate it. but always remember the rule by which most men choose to live their life - "it aint no fun if the homies cant have none". you get me?
* did kevin mchale have the longest arms in the history of the world, or just in the history of the NBA? or just in the history of the NBA in the 80s? while science continues to be unsure, there is one thing we can all agree on - pizza is delicious.
* even if you pour your beer into a red solo cup, its still completely legal for a police officer to get all up in your business and try to arrest you on an open container charge. before he has the chance to cuff you, take an aluminum softball bat and smash the closest person to you directly in the face. looks like that little red solo cup wasnt as big of a deal as he thought it was, huh?
excelsior!
TIPS FOR A SOLID TAILGATE 2010
* always arrive early. the parking lots fill up quick on the campus of the university of ohio state (hello, terrelle pryor) and you wouldnt want to be "that guy" left driving around aimlessly looking for parking spots as the band enters the stadium. try to keep your cool when you pass a two foot distance between two cars and your girlfriend yells "oooh - theres a spot!" with the enthusiasm of a six year old who just saw the teenage mexican werewolf or the pale teenage vampire in real life. tell her that if she says one more thing, youll shoot her in the face with a harpoon gun. be aggressive.
* lets not kid ourselves - french is going to ask for your number. and hes not going to stop until he gets it. your best bet is to say something like "heres my number, but be careful of when you text or call me. my boyfriend jabrivius usually holds onto my phone, and he can be very jealous since he got out of prison. for murder."
* having children is an important part of any young couples life, but your newborn doesnt belong at a tailgate. as babysitters can be expensive, why not put your baby in its baby-holder (science term) and close it in a closet for the day. what, like its going to get up and walk away? its a baby. they dont even have the necessary verbal communication skills to call for help. solutions.
* your dog is welcome at our tailgate, but understand that i am definitely going to mount it and attempt to ride it like a horse. natural ice.
* you are going to be consuming some adult themed beverages, and theres just no getting around it. be responsible and have a hearty meal beforehand in order to provide your stomach with somewhat of a base layer before consumption. a heaping bowl of ice cream and a few quaaludes should do the trick.
* you and i both know that your ex-girlfriend is going to be there - she always is. a good way to avoid her is to funnel fourteen beers, crush a few hostess fruit pies, polish it off with some boones farm wine-flavored beverage, and pass out in the back of sam's truck. we salute you, peter sevendsen.
* lets be serious - you are probably going to get arrested. a good way to earn respect in the clink is to soil yourself as frequently as you can on the ride in. poopy underwear is like gold on the inside. when your cell mate asks you what you are in for, tell him "well, I lost my temper and i took a knife and i uhh - do you know those 'do not remove under the penalty of law' labels they put on mattresses? well i cut one of them off." i always thought that was the dumbest law.
* thanks for bringing your girlfriend in her super short jean skirt to the tailgate. really, we appreciate it. but always remember the rule by which most men choose to live their life - "it aint no fun if the homies cant have none". you get me?
* did kevin mchale have the longest arms in the history of the world, or just in the history of the NBA? or just in the history of the NBA in the 80s? while science continues to be unsure, there is one thing we can all agree on - pizza is delicious.
* even if you pour your beer into a red solo cup, its still completely legal for a police officer to get all up in your business and try to arrest you on an open container charge. before he has the chance to cuff you, take an aluminum softball bat and smash the closest person to you directly in the face. looks like that little red solo cup wasnt as big of a deal as he thought it was, huh?
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