Things To Do Other Than Drugs...

life is full of difficult decisions.

on one hand, we know that doing drugs is 100% safe and 100% fun for all ages. on the other hand we know that, for some reason, bitches be looking down on getting high.

so the question must be asked - what can one do to pass the time when drugs arent an option?

THINGS TO DO OTHER THAN DRUGS

1. debate with your friends why COSI spent millions of dollars on a new facility and it is infinitely worse than it was in the old building. its not much of a debate, but whatever. coming up with things to do that dont involve drugs is really hard.

2. hate crimes.

3. ride your bike to work. when you arrive, break out the driver side windows of your coworkers. tell them its because they are destroying global warming. it wont make sense, but its not like they are unemployed. they can afford new windows.

4. get high and cheat on your wife.

5. if someone accuses you of being racist, quickly respond with "some of my best friends are black" - they will realize that they were greatly mistaken.

6. when you have your friends over who are minorities, make sure not to flaunt your wealth in front of them, as this will make them feel sad. its probably a good idea to hide your valuables - TVs, jewelry, wallets, purses, etc - being observant of your friends feelings is important!

7. cocaine. wait..........no. cocaine is a drug. cocaine is a hell of a drug.

8. swim with the dolphins. its a really cosmic experience of you are high. wait, shit. that involves drugs. this is getting harder than i thought it would.

9. order a donatos pizza, put psychedelic mushrooms on it, and just eat the crap out of it. it will blow your mind. oh yeah, drugs. crap.

10. oh hell, just keep doing drugs. they arent bad for you, and they almost always lead to a healthy life full of good decisions and meaningful friendships.

lessons!

Go Blue!!!!!!

MICHIGAN FOOTBALL IS FABULOUS!

Being A Good Dancer...

it is a known fact that 82% of people come to team secret falcon for tips on how to become better dancers. because of this, i usually do a monthly post with some helpful tips for those who want to someday do some serious tap dancing with bing crosby and danny f-ing kaye.

this is one of those posts.

i invite you to sit back, relax, and let me lay this B out for you real slow, girl.

whoa, what?

HOW TO BE A REALLY GOOD DANCER

1. try to think of dancing as less of a physical task, and more of an artistic expression that allows you to create beautiful poetry through motion. if that doesnt work, think of it as more of a physical task.

2. fred astaire is widely regarded as the greatest and most important deep-sea fisherman of all-time. apparently he was also a fairly accomplished dancer. when asked in 1876 what he thought the most valuable aspect of great dancing was, he responded "not forgetting to use those genitals".

3. keeping perfect rhythm while dancing is of the utmost importance for all good dancers. in order to attain such perfection, many professionals will drill a small hole in their chest cavity and insert a mini metronome to aide in their efforts. its probably a good idea to get your children in on such practices early in life if you want them to grow up and accomplish anything in the highly competitive world of dance. using a hammer and a small pocket knife should do the trick. and dont kid yourself - there is going to be some blood.

4. if you want to reach the top of the dancing profession, its probably a good idea to be multiracial. and im not talking someone that maybe looks like they might be kinda spanish or something. im talking your mom is a white former model, and your dad is a black former professional tennis player. yeah, your hair probably looks a little dry and crazy, but you more than make up for it with that inner hatred you have for the kids who made fun of the way you looked when you were younger. that hatred fuels your kick-twists and jump-twirls. which is what a good majority of dancing is anyway.

5. reaching the pinnacle of the dancing world takes equal parts hard work, determination, and willingness to sleep your way to the top. dont be afraid of the things that old man who is in charge of the dance studio says he is going to do to you. your stepdad has done way worse.

6. most great dancers have legs. if you have lost your legs in a tragic gasoline fight accident, forget about it.

surprisingly enough, those are the only six things you need to know about the world of dancing.

good luck!

A Letter From The Past...

i got a letter from myself this morning. from the past. a past version of me who i forgot existed, and was apparently pretty flipping awesome. a letter from a 24 year old morgan hughes.

well, it was actually an email. i guess at some point in january of 2005 i went to the website futureme.org and typed out an email to myself, and then told the website that i would like it delivered exactly five years later, at which point i would be a smashingly good-looking 28 year old man of many talents who's occasional acne had finally cleared up.

life is hard.

here is what the email said...

subject: 2005 fiesta bowl champs

morgan,

so how awesome was that game against notre dame, eh? troy smith began to look like the real deal in my opinion - i am thinking serious heisman run next year. although i am concerned with the total loss of our defense, i could see us running the table in 2006 and playing for the national title. and how about them basketball bucks, eh? looks like we could make a run at the national championship sometime in the next couple seasons. go bucks.

so, let me guess, you are still single. right? nice work, nice work indeed. you are almost thirty years old and you still havent let a woman trick you into marrying her. good job. lets pretend its that you dont WANT to get married and not that no one would ever choose to spend the rest of their life with you. its easier that way, right? right.

anyway, keep up the good work, and i hope you have seen the braves win a postseason series since i wrote this.

never fake the funk on a nasty dunk.

your pal,

morgan hughes, age 24

some thoughts...

1. troy smith did win the heisman the next season.
2. ohio state did run the table and play for the national title in 2006.
3. the bucks did lose their defense and gave up 39 points to michigan before being throttled by florida to the tune of 41-14 in the MNC game.
4. the basketball buckeyes did end up playing in the national championship game that very season, but lost oden, cook, and conley to the NBA and only made it to the NIT the following season. but we wont the NIT! champions! kinda-sorta!
5. i am still single, and i am pretending it is my choice and not everyone elses.
6. the braves have not even made the postseason since the writing of that email, let alone win an entire postseason series. let alone own many guns that would necessitate an entire rack.
7. 24 year old morgan was smart.

i dont even really remember what 2005 was like. can you imagine living in a place where no one knew who OMGBARACK!!!11!1! was?

the past was definitely a less hopeful place.

NO WE COULDNT.

Welcome to Columbus, OH...

in my life, i have had the pleasure of living in three major metropolitan areas. as with all major cities in the midwest, they can be put into one of two categories...

1. a nice place to live
2. YOU THINK YOURE BETTER THAN ME????

the latter category stems from having a city full of people who remember a time when their city was in a far better economic condition, and resent the growing numbers of both abandoned industrial sights and people with dark skin. racists.

cleveland, ohio - YOU THINK YOURE BETTER THAN ME????
detroit, michigan - YOU THINK YOURE BETTER THAN ME????

columbus, ohio - a nice place to live.

for instance, when i was living in metro-cleveland i was attending a browns game where i literally had this conversation with a person i did not know...

Stranger: why are you wearing an ohio state hat?
Morgan: because i am an ohio state fan.
Stranger: are you from cleveland?
Morgan: i live here, but i am from columbus.
Stranger: ...f#ck you.

...and this completely and one-hundred percent accurately describes anyone and everyone who is from and lives in the surrounding areas of both cleveland and detroit. if you arent from where we are from, you dont understand us and therefore we hate you. if we hate you, we must verbally (and sometimes physically) let you know about it at all times. and after we scream at you and thump our chests and throw empty beer bottles at your face, we wonder to ourselves aloud why our section of the country gets such a bad rap all the time.

its called irony, and its a dish best served with a complimentary pistons jersey and indians cap.

all this to say, i very much prefer living in columbus to slumming it up in any other midwest city. dont even get me started on cincinnati (a suburb of kentucky - excellent!), or the utter shithole that is pittsbugh, PA aka the steel city aka the herpes capital of the universe.

REASONS WHY COLUMBUS IS NEATO MOSQUITO

1. its getting increasingly easy to sit back in your rocking chair while stroking your beard and grooving out to dan fogelberg while thinking to yourself how much better you are than your counterparts in cleveland and detroit. "my life has been a poor attempt to imitate the man, i'm just a living legacy to the leader of the band." dan fogelberg is gay.

2. the columbus clippers won exactly one more game than the last place team in the international league of minor league baseball last summer. hence, the only place to go is up! or, well, i guess we could slip into last place. but that would never happen! except that it probably will happen.

3. if you are in the mood to contract a slew of sexually transmitted diseases, in most cities you would find yourself being whored all over town for an entire weekend. in columbus, spend one hour in our local disgusting douchebag factory, and all of your worldly STD wants and needs will be instantly taken care of. great success.

4. the local ducks down at the scioto river are always hungry and will eat whatever breads you can spare. i like the idea of starving wildlife. it makes my evil, black heart content.

5. huey lewis' tour bus must have broken down in central ohio sometime in late 1998, because i swear that guy plays here almost every other weekend. he probably didnt have enough money to fix the bus, so he decided to stay. seriously, he played the dublin 4th of july festival last year. ive seen the news, huey - and what its saying about you is fantastic.

6. the frigid temperatures in the winter guarantee that we are not at risk for being attacked by swarms of killer bees. so we have that going for us, which is nice.

7. columbus is just far enough away from detroit that the risk of being hit by a stray bullet is fairly low. still, its probably not a good idea to stand outside at night or near any open windows. you never know when you might get detroited.

8. do you fear that you may have a .38 caliber smith and wesson revolver stuck in your anus? come to port columbus international airport and find out if your fears are vaild!

9. the good news? downtown columbus was built on the banks of the beautiful olentangy river. the bad news? the water is poison and if you touch it you will die.

10. according to the most recent census, 3.44 percent of people who live in columbus are asian. meaning that if the future of our city depended on answering a couple really hard math problems or taking part in a violin competition, we would probably be in pretty decent shape.

What Women Are Really Saying...

people come to team secret falcon for a variety of reasons. some come for the uninformed coverage of college football. some come for nude photos of betty white. some come because they have a secret crush on me and they think i am hilarious and mildly attractive. few people come for that reason. very few. maybe two people. a couple months ago. okay, no one has ever come to team secret falcon for that reason. still, it could happen. but probably not.

most people that come to team secret falcon are men, and most of those men come so that they may gain a better understanding of the opposite sex and what makes them tick. and i dont blame you. no website that specializes in ohio state athletics and spice girl reunion gossip on the world wide internets has contributed more to the general understanding of women more in the last five years than team secret falcon. its what i do best.

women are famous for saying one thing and meaning another. they intentionally and knowingly mislead menfolk so that they may more easily trick these poor bastards into impregnating them, raising their children, and buying them super cute handbags.

omghandbags.

below is a short list of a few of these sayings that women use, along with a helpful translation into man-speak so that you will always know exactly what your wife / girlfriend / slampiece is saying when that verbal diarrhea starts ah-flowing.

WHAT WOMEN ARE REALLY SAYING...

SHE SAYS: i've never felt this way about a man before.
SHE MEANS: i used to be a lesbian, but i switched teams due to the tax benefits.

SHE SAYS: you are the most gentle lover i have ever been with.
SHE MEANS: my ex-boyfriends name is jamarcus.

SHE SAYS: i'd like you to meet my sister, lauren.
SHE MEANS: OH MY GOD YOU WANT TO SLEEP WITH HER, DONT YOU????

SHE SAYS: sometimes i get sad and theres really nothing i can do about it.
SHE MEANS: i outwardly chalk up my violent mood swings to PMS, but in reality im just a nasty wench who uses excuses to hide the fact that not getting exactly what i want makes me want to smash your genitals into a fine dust-like powder. which i will do given the right opportunity.

SHE SAYS: i dont care if you just want to hang out with the guys tonight. have fun!
SHE MEANS: i care about you hanging out with the guys tonight about as much as you care about having sex with me for the next three weeks. which, apparently, is very little. have fun!

SHE SAYS: i dont care about having a big wedding - i just want to be with you for the rest of my life. everything else is just icing on the cake.
SHE MEANS: OMGWEDDING! OMGCAAAAAAAAAAAAKE NOM NOM NOM.

SHE SAYS: i would like to have children someday.
SHE MEANS: i have already stopped taking my birth control.

SHE SAYS: the thing i love most about you is how free you always seem to be.
SHE MEANS: my ex-boyfriend is in prison.

SHE SAYS: i was single for thirty-six years, and as it turned out, i was looking for you in all the wrong places.
SHE MEANS: i was in my mid thirties, i could literally hear my biological clock ticking while i was trying to get to sleep at night, so i significantly lowered my standards. thats when i met you.

SHE SAYS: i am really tired tonight.
SHE MEANS: if you so much as even look at me when we go to bed, i swear on everything holy that i will castrate you with my mind. i will literally think so hard about your testicles being cut off with a ninja sword that they will magically tear themselves away from your body and go running for cover from me, the queen of the sub-zero artic ball-smashers.

SHE SAYS: the size of your hands make me feel safe.
SHE MEANS: my ex-boyfriends name is jamarcus.

SHE SAYS: do you think angelina jolie is sexy?
SHE MEANS: do you think i am fat?

SHE SAYS: my mother just wants whats best for me.
SHE MEANS: my mother is a meddling cow of a woman who doesnt think you are good enough for me and will be a constant pain in your ass for as long as we are together. also, i am pregnant. also, my mother is going to out-live you.

SHE SAYS: i dont really care for jewelry. its not what i am about.
SHE MEANS: if you dont buy me a diamond that my friends will be jealous off, i am going to poison your dog. tonight.

SHE SAYS: i am the kind of woman that will try as hard as i can to get the post-baby weight off as soon as possible.
SHE MEANS: the difference between "try" and "accomplish" is extremely significant, and i really really like watching TV while i gnaw on oversized tube of salami.

SHE SAYS: there are a lot of things i would like to get done around the house this weekend.
SHE MEANS: i sold your golf clubs.

SHE SAYS: you always leave me wanting more.
SHE MEANS: my ex-boyfriends name is jamarcus.

Friday Thoughts...

some items that are occupying my thoughts on this snowy friday afternoon in the capital city of the great state of ohio...

- we (just me) had a conversation (i was talking to myself) in the office today about how dogs are lucky because they dont have to wipe after a satisfying bowel movement. think about how much time you would save and the things you could accomplish if you didnt have to spend all those valuable minutes wiping after you unleashed your fury all over the inside of your toilet bowl. okay, this is getting a little graphic, so i am going to move on.

...diarrhea.

- numerous people have suggested that i put myself on eharmony so that i may relate the stories of the resulting dates on team secret falcon. while this would no doubt result in a most hilarious collection of tales, i am required by "katie's law" to inform all women born after 1980 of my past, ummm, happenings immediately upon introduction in a one-on-one social situation. it usually makes the subsequent interaction, well, kinda short. so eharmony probably wouldnt be the greatest decision for my life right now.

- has anyone else noticed how easy it is to stop a baby from crying just by shaking that baby until it stops making noise? and breathing?

- i think the main reason so many women are interested in having relations with me is because i have my own bowling ball and bowling shoes. its pretty much the two most attractive possessions that a man can be seen with.

- has anyone noticed how the more luke wilson loves at&t, the fatter and more repulsive he becomes? i dont exactly know how, but i am almost certain this discovery can be used to defeat our enemies. all i'm saying is that its at least worth looking into.

- is it just me, or does that snooky girl from "jersey shore" look like she made out with a guido in full clown makeup, glanced in the mirror and thought "yeah, that looks goooooood" and then refused to wash herself? for a month?

- just got a call from my mechanic who is working on gary the buick, and looks like our friend is going to cost me $900 to fix and get up to proper working condition again. the problem? my air conditioning is broken. in january. when the wind chill is below zero. FML.

everyone have a fun and safe weekend. and try not to get raped.

Reasons Why Rod Stewart is Sexy...

it needs to be said...

1. effectively pulls off the 64 year old frosted-tip mullet better than anyone on the planet.
2. he doesnt object if you call collect.
3. once kicked a soccer ball so hard at a guy stealing a womans purse that the guy exploded on contact. so did the woman, but hey - crisis averted.
4. is not a good-looking teenage vampire.
5. retains full bowel control. an admirable trait at his advanced age.
6. dropped out of school at age fifteen. school sucks.
7. has knocked up five different bitches. FIVE. i havent even knocked up one bitch. yet.
8. actual real-life quote from rod freaking stewart - "instead of getting married again, i'm going to find a woman i dont like and just give her a house." rod freaking stewart.
9. his performance on the 1973 song "stay with me" by the faces, led ninety percent of men in the united kingdom to admit that they would sleep with him given the chance, beginning a streak of obvious gay social choices that continues with most men in the UK even today. what?
10. eats at el vaqeuro fives times a week.

spare the child, spoil the rod.

How to Succeed in Business...

in todays world, there are many things that could make a person feel scared and overwhelmed. some of these things include...

1. good looking teenage vampires
2. surging population of soulless ungodly ginger kids (sick)
3. killer bees
4. getting your girlfriend pregnant
5. business

today, we will focus on business. and try not to worry about the other four. you cant control everything in your life no matter how much you want to. let me worry about getting your girlfriend pregnant.

WAYS TO SUCCEED IN BUSINESS

- necessity is the fire that fuels innovation - use this long-held belief to grow your sales. for instance, at a company party you could take a ninja sword and slice off the head of your coworkers wife. while he is busy crying, float him the idea of your new dating website. he will likely appreciate your effort to help him get over this completely unavoidable tragedy.

- customers like it when you take charge. while making sales calls, remember to sexually force yourself onto the first halfway decent looking receptionist you come across. she will probably yell something like "rape" and plead with you to stop, but shes a liar and wouldnt be wearing that shirt if she didnt want something to happen.

- remember that almost no business is outrageously successful during its early stages, so try not to get too stressed out if things dont seem to be going your way initially. take a deep breath and try to relax. if that doesnt work, you can always smack your wife around. or your kids. bruises almost always heal.

- one word.........plastics.

- if you work from a home office, its important to remember that you must separate your business life from your personal life. dont worry about doing the dishes or taking out the trash between the hours of 8am and 5pm. try to distance yourself from every day distractions that could interfere with getting your work done. for instance, if your baby is crying its a good idea to shake that baby violently until it stops crying. business first.

- if you are like most of the businesses in america, your target consumer group is likely white people. if you are undertaking a major advertising campaign, be sure to include pictures of black people and asian people using your product while smiling and / or high-fiving each other. white people love to pretend they are tolerant of other cultures.

- business is a game, and games are played to be won. lets not pretend you wouldnt do anything to make your dreams come true. say, i dont know, crystal meth? yeah, you know what im talking about. lets party. lets get some hookers and just go crazy. yeah, ill make out with a dude. so what? you think youre better than me? you dont know anything about me. you dont know who i am. you have no idea where i come from. im from swansea road. i eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast.

- dress to impress. people wont do business with someone who doesnt look the part. wear some tight pants that really accentuate your genitals.

- find out where your closest competitor lives. get drunk. burn his house down while his family is sleeping.

good luck, future entrepreneurs!

Goals For 2010...

its a new year, which means a few things here at team secret falcon...

1. free high fives to the first five strapping older gentlemen who can figure out where on my hot body i am most ticklish.
2. my attempts to convince molly iams to leave her husband and child for me will be stronger and more concentrated than ever.
3. time to make some goals for 2010.

sit back, relax, and get a sneak peak on what you can expect from your friend morgan in the next twelve to sixteen months. or however long a year lasts. maybe seven weeks. no one is really sure.

GOALS FOR 2010

- find a really neat scarf that i can wear indoors with my v-neck white vintage t-shirt, fedora, and thick-rimmed glasses. wear it in front of my douchey white hipster friends while remarking as condescendingly as possible how much "character" local musical acts have when combined with the proper microbrew.

- learn a different language. forget english. que?

- train my cat to wash my soiled under linens. they have been far too soiled as of late.

- throw a party called "the mystical dolphin revolution" and have the meaning be totally and one-hundred percent clear to all in attendance.

- run into the grandview heights police building with nunchucks duct taped to my bare chest screaming "THE SHREDDER IS ON THE LOOSE". at least five times.

- convert as many people as possible from their normal use of the phrase "taking a poop" to the more PC-friendly phrase "laying a fresh one".

- collect my scabs, spit, and blood and store them in my refrigerator. just in case.

- introduce the world to, and familiarize them with the hot new term of twenty-oh-ten - DOUBLE THUMB BLASTING THE STRANGE!!!!!!!!!!!

- shake as many babies as it takes for this planet to become a safer, more healthy environment for our children. if i have to violently shake one-hundred babies until they all stop crying in order to protect our children, well, then thats exactly what i am going to do.

- ninja-kick ben harper in the back of the head for his continuing theft of my kisses from me.

it is going to be a great year.