Questions People Are Always Asking Me...

or in case you are easily confused, Q-PAAAM for short.

QUESTIONS PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS ASKING ME

Question: whats the worst case scenario for a girl?

Answer: getting stranded in the wilderness and still having to get ready for a first date. doing your hair with only blurry self pictures from your camera phone is pretty much what all girls go to bed worrying about at night.

Question: what hurts more - being in the corner, being in the spotlight, or losing your religion?

Answer: being in the corner. because in case of wild animal attack (which happens way more than you think it does) being in a corner is, like, the worst place you can be. in scenarios where you arent being attacked by a wild animal (impossible in this economy), im not really sure how to answer that question. its not something that happens very often.

Question: if you were on the jersey shore, what would your nickname be?

Answer: the unavoidable eventuality.

Question: dont you have a theory that we could somehow use luke wilson to defeat americas worst enemies?

Answer: yes, good memory. fat luke wilson is the most overlooked person in the entire world. the fact is, we know that switching to at&t makes you fat, ugly, and out of work. and we arent using this knowledge to somehow defeat our enemies? outrageous. i dont know about you, but when you think about this type of gross miscalculation, its no wonder so many wild animals are attacking americans in todays unstable economy.

Question: its your last blog entry before the end of black history month - anything specific you would like to share?

Answer: black history month is stupid - and no, not for the reason you think im going to give, you racist. the fact that we picked the shortest and most miserable month in the entire year to honor black people makes it very easy to understand why so many animals are going around viciously attacking native americans in todays economic climate. cowboy curtis from pee-wees playhouse (the greatest and most treasured person in the history of people with dark skin) would be outraged if he knew how we were currently celebrating black history month. sadly, he was recently murdered to death by a stampede of cattle, who were in primal attack mode due to americans failing economy.

Question: what is something that is true about babies that most people dont know?

Answer: babies cannot speak english, and trying to teach them to speak english is a waste of your time. that baby will only talk when it becomes a child, and the speed at which that happens has due to with the amount of milk you let it eat, and the amount of milk you let it eat only. asking your baby if it can say "mama" or "dada" is basically ensuring that it will never learn to speak english. you want your baby to learn to talk? let that baby eat some milk.

Question: what is more important - having it all, or accomplishing your dreams?

Answer: i remember reading a book one time that really meant a lot to me. the words, the paragraphs, and the way the author (or "book maker") put them together to create the story was something that made me think about what it meant to be a man. once the information impacted inside of me for long enough, i realized that accomplishing your dreams was probably the greatest thing anyone can do with their life. that being said, having it all is almost certainly more important. the name of that book? to be honest, i kinda dont remember exactly what we are talking about right now.

i have to go make dump and weenus.

Interview with Kathleen Turner...

no, not that kathleen turner. yes, that kathleen turner. no, not that smoking hot bitch from the 80s. yes, that smoking hot bitch from the 00s. no, not that kathleen turner who is famous for topless scenes on the silver screen. yes, that kathleen turner that is famous for topless scenes at the hullabaloo.

today (saturday) is kathleens 30th (28th) birthday, and we (just morgan) here at team secret flacon (falcon) thought it would be super awesome if kathleen (morgan) would grant us an interview (fake interview).

amazingly, she did (did not)! so, here is an interview with kathleen turner (leenie227@aol.com) that is real (fake) and not made up at all (completely made up).

REAL INTERVIEW WITH KATHLEEN TURNER

TSF: first, i would like to say thank you for taking the time to sit down with team secret falcon. we appreciate you for many reasons, including, but not limited to that cheap amateur level pornography that ended up circulating around the internet last year. that was some really, really hardcore snuff action.

KT: thanks a lot. i actually dont really remember that specific shoot, but i ended up being pretty proud of it once i saw the finished product. that guy was pretty massive. i didnt know i was that.......capable.

TSF: oh that is just fantastic.

KT: thanks.

TSF: anyway, do you have any big plans for your upcoming birthday?

KT: not really sure as of right now, but i am assuming whatever i do will involve rumple minze and some fairly hideous decision making where my long-term health is concerned.

TSF: just to be perfectly clear, should we be expecting any more, ummm, video tapes released after this weekend?

KT: the answer to that question is kinda up in the air at this point, but i have a pretty strong feeling about it.

TSF: which is?

KT: yes, hell yes. expect more tapes. probably a couple more. probably at least four or five more.

TSF: you are a delight. moving along now, can you tell yourself a little bit about yourself? where youre from? what you enjoy doing with your free time?

KT: sure, no problem jim.

TSF: my name is morgan actually.

KT: good one, jim. in any case, i was born to loving parents named carly and james in the spring of 1976.

TSF: i know your parents. their names are denise and jonathan. not carly and james. your parents are not carly simon and james taylor.

KT: right. my dad went on a prolonged "vacation" for most of my childhood, and my mother raised me on a old plantation in greenbow, alabama that she fixed up and made into a rather successful bed and breakfast. i was an only child. when i was old enough, i played high school football and entered the military. eventually i married my childhood sweetheart, but she died of AIDS shortly after our bastard child was born. it was a pretty sticky situation.

TSF: .......that is a rough outline of the plot to "forrest gump".

KT: a large coincidence, i must admit!

TSF: is it not true that you grew up with both of your parents and a younger brother on cimmaron road in upper arlington, ohios "golden ghetto"?

KT: yes, that statement would be accurate, yes.

TSF: did you have any pets growing up?

KT: yes, a cat - it was a male and his name was "moldy".

TSF: is it not true that the cat was actually a dog and her name was "dusty"?

KT: yes, that statement would be accurate, yes.

TSF: give us an indication of what a typical day inside the life of kathleen turner is like.

KT: great question, jim. well, i usually wake up from my boones farm induced blackout around 11am or noon. from there i try in vain to scrape the caked-on vomit off of my neck with a screwdriver or large, metal spatula - sometimes drawing blood. when this doesnt work, i am forced to shower. after showering, i turn my stove on and leave the door slightly ajar to attempt to heat my house. needless to say, i have trouble paying my bills! hence my recent entry into the film industry.

TSF: actually, in your case, the term "film industry" should be encompassed by quotation marks.

KT: right. "film industry". moving along. when i have free time on my hands, i usually spend it volunteering down at the scioto river making sure the ducks and geese are staying warm enough during these frigid winter months. its a thankless job, but someone has to do it. i am glad to help out!

TSF: is it not true that not only does the "scioto river" not accept "volunteers", but that you spend your time there illegally chasing water fowl while murmuring under your breath that "theyll be sorry someday that didnt choose me"?

KT: yes, that statement would be accurate, yes.

TSF: is it also true that those scary and disturbed thoughts are directed at the judges of "american idol"?

KT: yes.

TSF: have you ever auditioned for "american idol"?

KT: no i have not.

TSF: what do you look for in a potential romantic partner?

KT: well, being honest is an important characteristic i look for in someone i am going to share my body with. i also value men who remind me of my step-father. we had a rough relationship during my childhood, but the things he taught me are lessons that i will never forget. some of them i still use to this day in the "film industry"!

TSF: you never had a step-father.

KT: no, i actually didnt. but if i did, i would like to think that he would have taught me lessons that would be somewhat valuable during this unfortunate economy.

TSF: give us an indication of what your perfect date would be like.

KT: well, first there would be dancing. lots of dancing! some good conversation, and a couple bottle of wine.

TSF: what about after he picked you up?

KT: penetration.

TSF: thats what i thought. before we go, given you have this exclusive platform of blogging excellence from which to preach, is there anything you would like to say to americas youth?

KT: absolutely. i think its important for kids to remember that its okay to take chances. to make risky decisions. to test your boundaries. staying inside your comfort zone is sometimes the worst thing a person can do wit his or her life. because life isnt about how hard you get hit - life is about how hard you can get hit. its about what you do after. how you choose to respond. this country is a place that was founded on one truth above all else - if you work hard, take chances, and stay true to yourself, you can accomplish anything. you an be anyone you want to be, go anywhere you want to go.

TSF: im going to have to stop you right there. youre going to have to put your pants back on.

KT: its my hot body, and i will do what i want.

TSF: thank you for being with us today.

KT: please dont leave me. i'll make you feel alive. for twenty bucks.

TSF: umm, i gotta go.

KT: ten bucks. five bucks. fifty cents. please dont go, jim. i need this.

TSF: happy birthday, kathleen.

What Have You Done For Me Lately...

during my lengthy absence from regular bloggings, people that normally replied on team secret falcon to answer most (read: all) of their deepest life questions were left wandering aimlessly through life, grasping onto false positives and throwing themselves at whatever cheap three dollar prostitute would have them on any given night. which is most three dollar prostitutes. on most given nights.

for this, i must offer my deepest apologies. if i could go back in time and change the idiotic drunken retard fest that has been the last month or two of my life, i would. but i cant. so i wont.

in this absence, i got a comment on a previous blog entry that posed the following questions...

dear s. falcon,

with your recent lapse in writing many people are wondering if the things you have taught us are true.
These include:
1. the greatness of drugs
2. if shaking babies is really right
3. if Ohio State is a contender in any sport
4. if Wagg can slap the backboard
5. If Hastings Middle School is real
6. If you even watch Golden Girls

I can only hope that you get your act together and address these issues before a full revolution occurs and people start to seek truth in other place. (religion?)

this is exactly the type of situation i wanted to avoid. here we have someone who has clearly entrusted the most secret of all falcon teams with their heart and soul. without daily affirmations from their trusted source of spiritual goodness, they began to doubt the most important and rock solid laws of our entire universe. for this, i am sorry.

allow me to make these truths as crystal clear as i possibly can.

1. are drugs great?

drugs are pretty much the best thing a young child can do with their life. science has proved time and time again that habitual abuse of drugs leads to such wonderful things as; mass consumption of cheeto products, the hardest and most worthwhile high fives you could ever dream of, and wonderful unplanned unintentional and unholy pregnancies.

people are always coming up to me and asking "morgan, we all know that science has proven all drugs to be delicious and 100% non-addictive" to which i reply that what they said wasnt really a question at all, but more of the truest statement in the history of mankind.

so, in short, i advise you to continue to do drugs at a fast pace. just when you think you cant fit one more line of blow into your nasal cavity, do six more. its your life.

and no one ever died from too much of a good thing.

2. is shaking babies a good idea?

listen, you know how i am going to respond to this. of course shaking babies is the right thing to do. of course shaking a baby is the only real and 100% effective way to get a baby to stop crying.

you can try rocking the baby in a rocking chair or talking to your baby in a soft tone to try to relax it, but very few babies even know what a rocking chair is and even fewer can speak english. MOST BABIES CANT SPEAK ENGLISH.

also, most people dont know this but its a scientific fact that babies are totally capable of getting drunk. listen - im not gonna tell you how to raise your kids, and im not gonna tell you what to do with this information, but getting your baby drunk while you are thinking it over probably wouldnt be a bad idea.

and if your baby tries to fight the jack daniels, pretends it is upset and starts to cry, well, i know a pretty effective way to stop a baby from crying.

3. is ohio state a contender in any current sport?

yes! the mens basketball team currently sits a half game out of first place in the big ten standings, and is ranked in the top ten in both the coaches and AP top 25 polls. the womens team in also a top ten team, and has wrapped up the big ten title for the sixth year in a row. the ohio state football jurrernaut is as powerful as ever, as most analysts project the bucks to be a top 3 team heading into next season.

and you can bet your sweet ass that a tanned, rested, and ready to rock morgan hughes will be the first beautiful bastard on campus come late summer / early fall. the flags will fly, the natural light will flow like wine, and beautiful women will flock to our tailgate like the salmon of capistrano.

4. can wagg still slap the backboard?

while wagg has many visible shortcomings (mountain dew can sized fingers, deep baby blue eyes, horrid facial hair) one thing that cannot be debated is his ability to savagely attack the backboard during a pregame layup line. his backboard slaps have been known to be heard all the way in hamilton county, and the subsequent shock wave of humanity sent through the gym haunts his opponents in their deepest corners of their darkest dreams.

so, yeah, id say that wagg can still slap the backboard. and then some.

5. is hastings middle school real?

i can see why a place like hastings middle school would seem not quite real in the mind of a person who was not lucky enough to walk those hallowed halls of excellence. the stories i tell and the memories i relive here on TSF about those intense years no doubt leave many of you questioning the validity of such a magical and wondrous place.

but i assure you, hastings middle school is most certainly real. it is a place built less by brick and concrete, and more by people, integrity, and unbelievable stories of honor and sacrifice. it is a place where the future leaders of this country are imparted with the skills they will need to lead a new generation, and a place where current and former leaders can look back and be reminded of who they are, and from where they come. for every minute that passes at HMS, there is a story that must be told of past glory.

there are the adam girardis and stewart lemmons and rob wheatons and alison skidmores. the alison jacquets, tj wisemans, and sean cassidys. the ken snyders, michael andrews, ian mautes, branson nyes, lauren cialones, jenny reasers, peter gibsons, and dena salah sadek mohamad abdulah omar shariefs. the mrs settles, mr keenans, mr roeschs, and senorita freaking simons.

people youll never forget. places youll always treasure. memories that will stand the test of time, including that fight after school between matt woods and george simon that was so much less than you thought it would have been.

whether it was beating jones at every sport possible, slow dancing with some smoking hot snatch in the cafeteria after hours, or changing the very future of our world, they were the times of our life and a place that no one who walked through that building could ever forget.

yes, virginia - there is a hastings middle school.

6. do i watch the golden girls?

what a silly question. here is a short list of some of things i would rather do than not watch the golden girls...

* bleed razor blades out of my own eyeballs.
* make out with tony basso completely sober.
* let wagg touch my face with his mountain dew can fingers.
* never eat pizza again (which would never happen).
* have my arm torn off by a werewolfe with a chainsaw for a penis.
* listen to a baby cry for an hour without being able to shake that baby to stop it from crying.
* never hear the sweet voice of celine dion again as long as i live.
* play by your rules.
* i dont play by your rules.
* i will never play by your rules.
* i play by my own rules.
* drink an entire bucket of water.

so, yeah, i still watch golden girls. come on.

.........................................................................................

so yeah. team secret falcon is back. the long national nightmare that was the last 1-2 months of my life has begun to clear, and my broken being is on the mend.

i thank you all for your continued support of TSF, and i invite you kiss my black ass if you dont like will smith because thats what we are listening to and its my goddammed car and i choose the music and if you dont like it you can walk your skank ass back to town. wait, no, that wasnt what i meant to say at all.

but still, we are listening to will smith and thats the end of the discussion.

Team Secret Falcon...

....is not dead.

....is lying in wait.

....is biding its time.

....is preparing to strike.

....will rise again.