Tiebreaker - Paige Gydosh...

in last weeks team secret falcon test, ian and paige ended up tied for the lead. to break the tie, i gave both of them a prompt and told them to wow the TSF readers. after both entries were submitted, i would then put up a poll and let people vote for the winner.

the winner would then be showered with love all over their body by various homeless people and former members of 98 degrees. nice!

the prompt was as follows...

"club gay is moving into its second month in existence. how should we, as members, go about promoting our entity? should we become more visible in the community? what steps can we take to ensure that club gay is a viable source of awesomeness for our childrens childrens children?"

paige was the second to respond.

ladies and gentlemen, i give you - paige tiberious gydosh...

yeah, this is what she sent me.

dear lord....................its beautiful.

Tiebreaker - Ian Maute...

in last weeks team secret falcon test, ian and paige ended up tied for the lead. to break the tie, i gave both of them a prompt and told them to wow the TSF readers. after both entries were submitted, i would then put up a poll and let people vote for the winner.

the winner would then be showered with love all over their body by various homeless people and former members of 98 degrees. nice!

the prompt was as follows...

"club gay is moving into its second month in existence. how should we, as members, go about promoting our entity? should we become more visible in the community? what steps can we take to ensure that club gay is a viable source of awesomeness for our childrens childrens children?"

ian was the first to respond.

ladies and gentlemen, i give you - ian jerome maute...

(WARNING - THE FOLLOWING DOES NOT REPRESENT THE THOUGHTS OR OPINIONS OF TEAM SECRET FALCON. ANY REBROADCAST, REPRODUCTION OR OTHER USE OF THIS BLOG ENTRY WITHOUT THE EXPRESS WRITTEN CONSENT OF MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL IS PROHIBITED.)

I chose not to follow your guest blog prompt. First of all it sucked, second, I thought we weren’t supposed to talk about your little club.

In following Morgan’s theme of offering unsolicited advice I thought I’d try my hand at helping out my fellow man. If you’re like me, you like rap music. While you may find rap music enjoyable you probably have no idea what the H they are talking about in some of their songs. Allow me to take this opportunity to enlighten y’alls up in here.

“My chick bad, my chick hood, my chick do shit your chick wish she could” – My Chick, performed by Ludacris. • My best girl is cool, and she is also strong both of body and mind. She has abilities like speaking Spanish, and making great soup.

“You can spot them on da top in da bottom, gotta a bill in my mouth like I’m Hillary Rodham” – Grillz performed by Nelly featuring Paul Wall, Ali, and Gipp. • I have jewelry in mouth which you can see is on my upper teeth and lower ones too. The mouth jewelry is worth $100,000.

“My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard” –Milkshake performed by Kelis. • I give good blow jobs, come get one.

“Back then ho’s didn’t want me, now I’m hot, ho’s all on me. MIKE JONES” – Back Then performed by Mike Jones. • Awhile back girls didn’t like me because I didn’t have a good job. I worked at the Clark station and people only liked me because I sold them beer even though they were under 21. Now I make a decent salary and work in middle management, and girls like talking to me.

“Turn my swag on, it’s my time to turn it up, yeah, yeah, I put my team on, did my theme song, now it’s time to turn it up, yeah, yeah” – Turn My Swag On performed by Soulja Boy. • No f’ing clue

“Uh, uh, uh, 1, 2, 1, 2. …..Uh, uh, 1, 2, 1, 2, uh, uh, all my dogs”- Hip Hop performed by Dead Prez.• Come on now guys, get out here, don’t make me count to three. I am super serious.

“You know me – I don’t need no introduction and shit. Ride Bentley’s ‘round the city on buttons, ya bitch. Arm’s hangin’, wrist blingin’ – just stun’n and shit. Drop the top, block is hot, stay bumpin ya bitch” - #1 Stunna performed by Big Tymers featuring Lil’ Wayne and Juvenile.• Hey!, it’s me you guys, you knew I was coming over. I brought my car. Lets go for a ride around down town. Maybe we can stop at the North Market and get fresh veggies. When I drive I like to put my arm out the window so I can show off my new Timex. It is pretty hot out, so we may want to put the convertible top down, silly. Please turn up the music, and keep it on 94.7.


“I got the magic stick, I know if I can hit once, I can hit twice. I hit the baddest chicks, shorty don’t believe me, then come with me tonight and I’ll show you maaaagic, what? what? maaaaagic, I got the magic stick” – Magic Stick performed by 50 Cent• My penis is above average in both length and girth. If you have intercourse with me once, I can only assume you’ll want to do it again. You should believe me because I have made love to many women, like your sister Amy.

“Come to my crib tonight, let me beat dat puss all night. Run tell yo buddies I fucked you right. Tell ’em bout all the plaques on the wall, tell ’em how you licked my balls”. – Kryptonite performed by Purple Ribbon All Stars.• You should come over to my condo this evening. If things go right and you like the wine we will have sex for 4-6 minutes. When we are done, please tell your girlfriends that I was good at sex. I’m just using you to get to them. I don’t think you’re very pretty and your stories bore me. Also, tell them about my Employee of the Month, and Worthington Co-ed Softball League Runner-Up trophies. Oh, and tell ‘em how you licked my balls.

“Guess who back in the motherfucking house with a fat dick for your motherfucking mouth” – Ain’t No Fun if the Homies Can’t Have None performed by Snoop Dogg.
• Guess who is back in the motherfucking house with a fat dick for your motherfucking mouth? Me.


“Girl I don’t need you, but chu need me. Take it off, let it flow, shake it freely” – Ms. New Booty performed by Jordan Sparxxxxx.
• I think you’re okay, but I know you “like” like me. Suzy told me during study hall. Take your skirt off and let me see how your ass shakes when you walk to the drinking fountain.

“Not on the bed, lay me on your sofa. Phone before you come, I need to shave my chocha. You do or you don’t or you will or won’t you go downtown and eat it like a vulture” – Work It performed by Missy Elliot.
• I’m feeling frisky, let’s do this in the den. Oh my, it’s almost summer which means BIKINI SEASON!!! I better shave off my pube bush. You haven’t pleased me orally since I gave birth to the twins. I knew you shouldn’t have been in the delivery room, you have such a weak stomach. Please tongue it.

Now you know.

The Golden Rules...

every person has a set of concrete rules by which they live their life. my rules, for instance, are...

1. do situps
2. go to the gym
3. get hot bitches
4. crush mountain dew
5. sleep

in this age of mass communication, its important for our population to know how others go about living their lives, so that they may use this information to improve their day-to-day existence.

here is a short list of how people from all over the world go about living their lives. their "golden rules" if you will. and you will.

THE GOLDEN RULES

mail carriers

1. deliver mail
2. deliver mail slowly
3. go slower
4. i said slower
5. watch out for dogs

elementary school children

1. trust adults
2. candy is always safe, no matter the source
3. grown-ups with cargo vans are trustworthy
4. DARE is full of lies
5. that safetytown was bullshit

NASCAR fans

1. denim isnt just for jeans
2. anything embroidered with looney tunes characters = GOOD
3. it is okay to smoke and dip at the same time
4. socks and sandals = CRAZY COMFORTABLE
5. all queers go to hell

black people

1. can we get some more sugar in this kool aid?
2. more
3. more
4. more
5. ahhhhhhhh, kool aid

mexicans

1. whatever you do, jorge, do not smile for this picture
2. i swear, jorge, if you smile for this picture i am going to be super pissed at you
3. okay here comes the flash
4. make sure to tilt your head slightly back, and DONT SMILE, JORGE
5. oh nice job, jorge - that was a good one

asian people

1. i enjoy math
2. the violin is a fun and exciting instrument
3. karate is a most honorable activity
4. whoops, totally just got in a car accident
5. maybe next time i wont do math, play the violin, and roundhouse kick while i am driving

evan turner

1. sound like grover / fozzy bear as much as possible
2. look like an avatar
3. samantha prahalis is "basketball hot"
4. lay that woman down real fine
5. one. more. year.

detroit residents

1. elect crooked political figures
2. do not trust outsiders
3. feel miserable
4. keep your hand out
5. bitch about the lions

cleveland residents

1. complain about snow even though you choose TO LIVE IN CLEVELAND
2. do not trust outsiders
3. be polish
4. or catholic
5. or both

pittsburgh residents

1. pronounce "water" as "wuder" because that totally makes sense
2. if you dont like the steelers, f#%k you
3. ignore the pirates unless they are winning
4. always ignore the pirates
5. wait, who are the pirates again?

snookie

1. buy industrial strength orange paint from home depot
2. pour on face
3. pour on body
4. vodka
5. dance alone

white people

1. let people know you are into farmers markets
2. contain enthusiasm when someone compliments your vintage t-shirt
3. be really into "local, live music"
4. HATE REPUBLICANS
5. sandals. always.
6. use the words "amazing" and "literally" whenever possible
7. tell others how tolerant of other cultures you are
8. have at least one black friend
9. make sure black friend is from the suburbs
10. "real" black people are scary

Ben Roethlisberger...

as i am sure you have all heard by now, pittsburgh steelers quarterback ben roethlisberger has recently been charged with unlawful sexual assault on a female. again.

ever since the news broke on his second sexual assault, the mainstream news media has been up in arms over his actions, and some have even begun to question his character. they have said things like "big ben is a dirty redneck who cant keep it in his pants" and "you can tell by looking at his facial hair that he is a dirty redneck" and "judging the man only by his goatee, you can tell he is a sexual predator" and "someone should shoot that filthy rednecked sexual predator in his face with a machine gun" and "ben roethlisberger is a rapist".

to these people i say "shame on you" and "how dare you". who are you to judge?

who is to say that if you were in a hotel room in lake tahoe by yourself for a celebrity golf tournament that you wouldnt invite a hotel worker into your room claiming that the TV wasnt working, only for her to find that once she determined the TV to be in perfect working order you were blocking her path to the exit? who is to say that you wouldnt grab her and begin to kiss her? i think we have all done that at least once in our life.

who is to say that if you were in a nightclub for 18-21 year olds in BFE georgia, that you wouldnt end up being accused of sexual assault after an unfortunate event took place inside a bathroom with a 20 year old girl where your hired bodyguard was standing outside not letting her friends inside to see if she was okay? whos to say that you wouldnt find yourself in that situation? i think we have all been there before.

i mean, sometimes when you are in a legal process where you are being accused of sexual assault, you need to unwind a little bit. you know, force yourself onto someone that was 15 when you won your first super bowl. sometimes thats the kind of thing that needs to happen.

so, mainstream media, before you sling your literary mud in the face of big ben, make sure you dont have any skeletons in your closet. because i think all of us, in some way, at some point, have sexually assaulted at least two, maybe even three people.

no?

oh yeah, right. sorry.

Ways To Make Extra Money...

well instead of a guard dog, they had this bloody great big bengal tiger. i managed to take out the tiger with a can of mace, but the shopkeeper and his son - that was a different story all together. i had to beat them to death with their own shoes.

wait, what?

oh, hi - welcome to team secret falcon. its a thursday morning here in the capital city, and that can mean only one thing...

WAYS TO MAKE EXTRA MONEY

* its a well-known fact that kids under the age of nine are unable to grow facial hair. this leaves many second graders around the united states of obama unable to get dates with older, sluttier women, which can lead to severe mental issues later in their lives such as depression, genital herpes, and gout. use an electric razor every morning, and instead of dumping your unused hair into the toilet (heh-heh, dumping in the toilet...) collect them in a ziplock bag, and sell them to kids around your area. selling things in small plastic baggies to kids on a playground is completely legal in all 50 states.

* go back to school and earn you degree in being a farmer. being a farmer is awesome because farmers dont have a boss, unless you count their wives or the monsters that live in the corn fields. which many farmers will tell you are one in the same.

* become a high-class prostitute. when your customers (or "sex buyers" as they are called in the industry) ask what separates you from low-class prostitutes, tell them that you dont speak english. when they ask what language you do speak, say "la lucha libre" which means "none of your damned business" in spanish. also, no kissing on the mouth. you have rules.

* steal money from your grandparents. they are old and it is highly unlikely that they will even notice. if they do notice, they will be easily defeated with any standard issue harpoon gun, which all boats are required to carry by law. shoot your grandparents in the face with a harpoon gun.

* sell your junk. oh, wait, we already covered prostitution.

* go to your girlfriends parents house and tell her mother you will kill her unless she gives you all of the money in her bank account. once she does this, tell her it was just a joke. if she asks for the money back, tell her you are going to kill her.

* if you are lucky, you will someday receive an email from a prince in south africa who, for some reason, needs to deposit 50 million dollar monies into your savings account. do not hesitate to take advantage of this idiot who barely speaks english. what could possibly go wrong? south african royalty can be so stupid sometimes.

* parents of infants are always looking for good babysitters. when the parents leave for their date (or "sex buying" as it is called in the industry) and the baby starts to cry, shake that baby until, well, you know.

* invest in the nearest puppy mill. i bet those things make a ton of money.

* if your girlfriends mother tells your girlfriend about you stealing money from her, shoot her in the face with a harpoon gun. but wait, am i talking about your girlfriend or her mother? yes.

good luck!

Things To Do On Vacation...

as the summer draws near, people all over the united states of obama will begin planning their vacations to various fun-filled destinations. what they dont know, is that it is very easy to go on vacation and not have a wonderful time. if you dont take the necessary precautions and plan out your days ahead of time, you could end up sitting around in some tropical location, not having fun, and wondering where the hell you went wrong.

luckily, team secret falcon is here to help.

THINGS TO DO ON YOUR VACATION

* upon arrival, find the nearest person who looks like they are a local, and strike up a conversation. use phrases like "what beautiful weather!" and "we dont get weather like this at home!" and "how about this weather!" - locals enjoy talking endlessly with tourists about weather.

* go fishing! there are tons of places to go fishing, and tons of companies who charter fishing boats! if the owner / operator is asking for too much money, agree to pay him, then shoot him in the face with his harpoon gun (all boats are required by law to carry harpoon guns) once you are out on the ocean! the ocean is huge! theyll never find his body! fishing is fun for children!

* drive out to amish country and secretly set up a flat screen TV in someones living room. hide behind a piece of homemade oak furniture. wait till they come home. when they see you, quickly unplug the TV and escape. thats your TV and you paid a lot of money for it.

* buy a couple nice bottles of wine and enjoy them on the porch with your wife. after a few glasses, tell her you have been having an affair with her best friend. even if its not true, its important to keep your relationship interesting. women love that kind of stuff.

* go whale watching! upon seeing your first whale in all of its majestic beauty, shoot it in its whale face with the boats harpoon gun. all boats are required by law to carry a harpoon gun. the other people will pretend to be outraged when they are inevitably covered in the blood that is spewing from the dying endangered species, but they are always acting like such pussies and i hate those guys.

* while tucking your kids in tell them that if they ever learn to read or do well in school, the spirit of their dead mother is going to come and kill them in their sleep. kids love ghost stories!

* go to the local library and check out some books that challenge your normal beliefs and wouldnt be something you would read while you are at home. take them to your hotel and burn them. information is dangerous.

* take your kids to the local park and fly a kite! its an inexpensive way to kill a few hours. while you are there, buy some crystal meth, find a cheap hooker and just do what comes naturally. the kids can find their way home. kids are smart.

* go to the local zoo and / or aquarium with your kids. encourage them to pick which animal is their favorite and learn interesting facts about it. if they start to like one animal maybe a little too much, try putting them in that animals cage. that should wipe the stupid grin off their faces for good.

* take up a new hobby. like, i dont know, playing some sort of card game or something. whatever, its doesnt really matter to me. i cant make all of the decisions for you.

* get to know some of the people in your area that are also on vacation. ask where they are from. ask what they have been doing since they arrived - this should give you some good ideas on how to spend your trip. if they get too close, shoot them in the face with a harpoon gun. all boats are required by law to carry a harpoon gun.

have a great trip!

Typical Tuesday / How To Survive In Nature...

losing your keys can mean many different things. it can mean that you drank too many draft beers at king 5 on saturday afternoon / evening / night. it can mean that you are a hopeless idiot. it can mean that you are left defenseless against a robber when he is trying to make sex on you and your only line of defense is gouging out his eyeballs with your ignition key.

it can also mean that you have to sit in your car and rock out to some jams early in the morning when you get to work at 7am and no one else shows up to unlock the front door until 7:35am. which is a good thing.

so its tuesday morning, im not even slightly caffeinated, yet i can feel the unfiltered power of full-on spaz mode coursing through my veins. when you are twenty-eight years old, you live the life of a twelve year old, and you have more energy than you know what to do with, sometimes you need to get a little freaky with yourself in your car when no one is watching. except that guy who lives in the woods behind the lake next to our office building. but screw that guy. what does he know? stop looking at me. you think youre better than me?

something i have been thinking about doing lately is buying an airplane. and i know what you are thinking - morgan, you cant fly. morgan, you dont have that kind of money. morgan, you smell like toothpaste mixed with failure. to you dream-crushers, i say this - its my hot body, and ill do what i want.

think about the money i am going to save by flying to work instead of driving. just on gas alone, ill probably be looking at an extra 10-15 dollars a week. combine that with the scratch i will be taking in from the human slave trade (more on that later), and you are looking at way more than enough money to buy an airplane. you see, really, i have it all figured out. for those of you who didnt believe in me, i hope you enjoy your time spent balls-deep in the human slave trade (more on that later).

basketball last night was good. i have to send out a huge "congrats" to david french who became the first person to ever call a charging foul in an open gym setting. it takes massive testicular fortitude to call an offensive foul without a referee on hand, but you did it. and for that, you deserve to be applauded. oh wait, whats that? no one in their right mind would ever take a charge at open gym, let alone actually call it and demand the ball go the other way? oh yeah, thats right. i forgot.

do you ever have those days where you have no idea what to blog about, and you aimlessly ramble on and on about nothing in particular, and you arent sure if anyone will even get to the end of your entry because its so lame and void of content?

in that case, i present to you, a how-to-list. because its what i do best.

HOW TO SURVIVE IN NATURE

* so, you got lost on a hike and you have spent the last four days stranded in the woods. the most important thing to remember at this point is to violently start panicking. staying calm never solved anything.

* as luck would have it, you came across a large hunting knife. if there is one thing that you can use a knife in the wilderness for, its for making a spear with which to hunt. at this point, you might be thinking to yourself "why not just use the knife for hunting?" this is the worst thing you could ever do. what if the knife goes dull? you will need that knife for spear-making.

* your top priority in nature is eventually being rescued. in order to accomplish this goal, you are going to want to set yourself apart from the millions and billions of stupid trees that are going to be all over the place. you know what looks nothing like a tree? a naked dude. take all of your clothes off.

* so, at this point you are complete nude. however, dont think that mother nature will treat you with the kind of respect a naked person in society would demand. you are going to want to stay warm, so try rubbing feces all over your body to keep some of the heat in and protect yourself against the elements.

* bird eggs are a good source of protein and that yellow stuff inside of egg yolks. for this reason, its probably a good idea to climb the highest tree you can find in order to search for the most delicious bird eggs in the forest. chances are fairly good that you will encounter the american bald eagle, and that they will be none to happy about you trying to steal their unborn babies. do yourself a favor and kill the parents with your hunting spear. leave the dead carcasses behind. bird meat is gross.

* plants are also a good source of calcium and vitamin M. however, a good majority of plants in the wilderness are poisonous to humans. unfortunately, there is no real way to tell them apart. a good way to try to tell which ones will kill you and which ones wont is to blindly eat them by the handful. if you end up dying, you chose wrong.

* if for some reason you happen to have a compass, it is wise to bury it. bears can smell electricity, which is what all compasses are powered by. they can also smell the menstrual cycle of female women. kill your girlfriend.

* urine is something that is beyond valuable in the forest. it can be used in many ways, including simple hydration (drinking your own urine), putting out a fire (peeing on a fire), keeping cool (peeing into a jar, pouring it onto your face), or winning an impromptu r kelly impression contest (peeing on someones elses face) - so use your urine wisely.

* chances are fairly good that you are going to run into an unfortunate situation that you can blame on global warming. do not hesitate to do so.

* something that is not up for debate is that you are likely going to cut yourself at some point, somehow. in the wilderness, it is important to check your wounds for signs of infection, so make sure you take your knife (or hunting spear) and really dig deep into the wound to check for dirt or rocks. dirt is the leading cause of death in nature. and i will bet that you didnt know that.

good luck!

The Results Are In...

eleven people competed in the first annual team secret falcon test. two people separated themselves from the competition. only one can win.

but first, on to the answers...

1. LAST YEAR, TEAM SECRET FALCON SPONSORED A MENS SOFTBALL TEAM - THE TEAM NAME WAS...
b) team secret falcon

because we are creative.

2. WITH WHOM DID I MAKE BAD DECISIONS AROUND A CAMP FIRE IN THE FIRST INSTALLATION OF THE OREGON TRAIL BLOG?
a) lauren hines

best night / worst morning of my life. i'll call you sometime.

3. WHAT IS ONE OF THE BEST THINGS ABOUT DINOSAURS?
d) they are always making dump and weenus wherever they want

pretty much the only way to seriously impress me is to have zero concern as to where you drop your smashers.

4. ACCORDING TO RECENT SCIENTIFIC STUDIES, THE US ECONOMY IS CURRENTLY...
a) roommates in DC with OMGBARACK!!!1!!1!

they split the utilities right down the middle.

5. THE FOURTH RULE OF CLUB GAY IS...
b) ahhh boom boom boom

its the hottest song on the planet right now.

6. THE BEST WAY TO STOP A BABY FROM CRYING IS...
c) to shake that baby until it stops crying.

come on. everyone knows that.

7. DATES WITH KATHLEEN TURNER ALMOST ALWAYS END WITH...
a) penetration

there is no other possible eventuality.

8. ACCORDING TO FRED ASTAIRE (DEEP SEA FISHING LEGEND) THE MOST IMPORTANT ASPECT TO BEING A GOOD DANCER IS...
c) not forgetting to use those genitals

use them hard. real hard.

9. WHICH IS OF THE FOLLOWING IS *NOT* SOMETHING YOU SHOULD DO ON YOUR LUNCH HOUR?
d) crystal meth

its the only time you should stay away from the crystal. any other time? play ball.

10. TEAM SECRET FALCON DOES *NOT* HATE...
a) hastings middle school

how could you hate something that is so wonderful? you cant. thats how.

12. ASIAN PEOPLE ARE GOOD AT...
d) all of the above (playing the violin, math, doing peace signs in photos)

racism is funny.

13. THE BEST SONG TO LISTEN TO WHEN LAYING YOUR WOMAN DOWN IS...
c) "party in the USA" by miley cyrus

i was going to choose another song, but then i put my hands up because they were playing my song and the butterflies flew away. i had no other choice at that point. nodding my head like "yeah". moving my hips like "yeah".

14. SCIENCE HAS PROVEN THAT DOING DRUGS IS...
b) 100% safe and non-addictive

and you cant argue with science.

16. EVERYBODY LOVES...
d) feline aids

a tragic yet hilarious condition.

17. WHILE ON A RUN IN 2009, I...
b) found a free piano.

19. WHICH ONE OF MY FRIENDS KINDA DIED ON 8/3/2009?
d) ian maute

20. MY FIRST BLOG ENTRY WAS VERY SHORTS - IT READ...
d) cock and puddy equals baby, uh-huh uh-huh

along with science, you also cannot argue with math.

..............................................................................................................................

here is how the participants fared...

1. Ian Maute 87%
1. Paige Gydosh 87%
3. Kathleen Turner 77%
4. Alison Maute 74%
5. Barndo Pargeon 68%
6. The Bill Wagg Show 64%
7. Marissa Tomasic 62%
7. Lauren Hines 62%
9. Mike Steele 60%
9. Peter Sevendsen 60%
11. Libby Steele 57%

so, yeah, we have a tie for first. and i am torn as to how to break it. my first thought was to have a softcore makeout session with both ian and paige, and whichever one made me the most tingly would walk away as champion. then ian's stupid wife got all upset and we had to cancel. she is the worst.

instead, i am going to have both ian and paige write a guest blog and then let the people vote on who did the best job. the topic is as follows...

"club gay is moving into its second month in existence. how should we, as members, go about promoting our entity? should we become more visible in the community? what steps can we take to ensure that club gay is a viable source of awesomeness for our childrens childrens children?"

hopefully we can have this settled in the next couple of days.

in the meantime, remember to keep it gay, keep it hot, and NEVER talk about club gay.

ahhh boom boom boom.

Team Secret Falcon Test...

its been six entire years since i started blogging. during those six years, i have over 1,000 posts. in those thousands of posts, i have dropped some serious information all over your faces. i'm like rudy fernandez, if points were my posts and your face was your face. or something.

all NBA humor aside, i think its time you bastards were put to the test. to see how closely you have been paying attention.

the following test will not be easy - the worthwhile things in life rarely are. the person who answers the most questions correctly will win a prize package that will blow your mind, and will leave you forever changed. seriously though, i will be giving away some prizes that you wont want to live without.

you may post your answers below, or send them to yeahmorgan@yahoo.com - either way, make sure to include your name so i know who the eff you are.

TEAM SECRET FALCON TEST

1. LAST YEAR, TEAM SECRET FALCON SPONSORED A MENS SOFTBALL TEAM - THE TEAM NAME WAS...
a) angela was the boss
b) team secret falcon
c) fancyburg farklers
d) sans horatio

2. WITH WHOM DID I MAKE BAD DECISIONS AROUND A CAMP FIRE IN THE FIRST INSTALLATION OF THE OREGON TRAIL BLOG?
a) lauren hines
b) cheryl hines
c) kathleen turner
d) mystery guest

3. WHAT IS ONE OF THE BEST THINGS ABOUT DINOSAURS?
a) they are all dead.
b) nothing, dinosaurs arent cool at all.
c) they kill tons of animals every day.
d) they are always making dump and weenus wherever they want.

4. ACCORDING TO RECENT SCIENTIFIC STUDIES, THE US ECONOMY IS CURRENTLY...
a) roommates in DC with OMGBARACK!!!1!!1!
b) steadily improving.
c) a scientific fact.
d) having a feeling that tonights gonna be a good, good, night.

5. THE FOURTH RULE OF CLUB GAY IS...
a) you never talk about club gay.
b) ahh boom boom boom
c) its gotta be hot.
d) its gotta be gay.

6. THE BEST WAY TO STOP A BABY FROM CRYING IS...
a) to tell it a story about love.
b) to give it a bottle of milk to eat.
c) to shake that baby until it stops crying.
d) to let it do whatever it wants.

7. DATES WITH KATHLEEN TURNER ALMOST ALWAYS END WITH...
a) penetration.
b) high fives.
c) feeding the ducks at the scioto river.
d) ahhh boom boom boom.

8. ACCORDING TO FRED ASTAIRE (DEEP SEA FISHING LEGEND) THE MOST IMPORTANT ASPECT TO BEING A GOOD DANCER IS...
a) doing it and doing it and doing it well.
b) getting good leverage on your woman.
c) not forgetting to use those genitals.
d) shaking that baby until it stops crying.

9. WHICH OF THE FOLLOWING IS *NOT* SOMETHING YOU SHOULD DO ON YOUR LUNCH HOUR...
a) cheat on your wife.
b) eat foods.
c) take a karate class.
d) crystal meth.

10. TEAM SECRET FALCON DOES *NOT* HATE...
a) hastings middle school.
b) ed hardy shirts.
c) not doing drugs.
d) sugar / spice bar.

11. IN TEN WORDS OR LESS, TELL ME WHAT THE WORST THING ABOUT WHITE PEOPLE IS.

12. ASIAN PEOPLE ARE GOOD AT...
a) playing the violin.
b) math.
c) doing the peace sign in pictures.
d) all of the above.

13. THE BEST SONG TO LISTEN TO WHEN LAYING YOUR WOMAN DOWN IS...
a. "i can love you like that" all-4-one
b. "kiss from a rose" seal
c. "party in the usa" miley cyrus
d. "one sweet day" boys II men feat. mariah carey

14. SCIENCE HAS PROVEN THAT DOING DRUGS IS...
a) bad for you.
b) 100% safe and non-addictive.
c) a horrible choice for children.
d) something evil people do.

15. IN TEN WORDS OR LESS, SOLVE THE CURRENT ECONOMIC SITUATION.

16. EVERYBODY LOVES...
a) raymond.
b) barndos back hair.
c) japanese steak house.
d) feline aids.

17. WHILE ON A RUN IN MID 2009, I...
a) met my real father, dan fogelberg.
b) found a free piano.
c) thought i dented a car, but i didnt.
d) killed a hooker.

18. IN TEN WORDS OR LESS, WISH ME A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

19. WHICH ONE OF MY FRIENDS KINDA DIED ON 8/3/2009...
a) mike steele
b) paige gydosh
c) shelly long
d) ian maute

20. MY FIRST EVER BLOG ENTRY WAS VERY SHORT - IT READ...
a) lets go bucks!
b) i am tired and going to sleep.
c) who is ready for this weekend?
d) cock and puddy equals baby, uh-huh uh-huh.

Yoko Ono is following me on Twitter...

i swear on everything holy that i am not making this up. its the real yoko ono. the yoko ono that broke up the beatles. and she is following me on twitter.

first the skunk weasels, and now this.

im not sure how much worse my life could get at this point.

Monday Stuff...

when i saw where the buckeyes were placed in the NCAA tournament field last night, a few things went through my head...

1. winning the big ten doesnt mean much anymore.
2. we are in the region of death.
3. this international love affair with duke basketball has got to end.
4. is gold a wise investment?
5. whats the best way to stop a baby from crying?
6. is it true that bees can smell anger?
7. why is admitting you have an STD so embarrassing? at least peeps know you be knockin tha boots.
8. i am positive that if you gave me a case of mountain dew and some candy that i could easily conquer mexico in less than six hours.
9. if i could go back in time and change my first name to anything i wanted, i would definitely choose "robotmaster". ROBOTMASTER HUGHES.
10.

which leads me to my main point:

dont you think that the creators of "blossom" were just "full house" fans that said to themselves, "lets make another edition of full house, only make kimmy gibler both hot and a total slut."

i think thats a question we have all been asking ourselves for a great number of years. ever since we caught a glimpse of six and her wild hat collection. sadly, it is unlikely that science will ever know the answer.

what we do know is that the buckeyes got totally jobbed by the selection committee, and thats not open for debate. a good historical comparison would be back in 1997 when wagg tried to take me to the hole (gay) and i blocked his attempt, sending the ball out of bounds and i was all "nuh-uh. not in this house. not in my house. you get out of this house because this house is mine and you are not allowed inside of it."

also, its important to take good care of your feet. if you were in a situation where a robber was robbing you and your only defense was kicking him in his genitals to death, it would be unfortunate if you couldnt due to a history of improper foot care. that would be a situation where you would be sorry if you didnt take good care of your feet. this is why taking care of your feet is an important thing to remember in your life.

for centuries, people have been wondering if there was a such thing as monsters or ghosts or dinosaurs. the answer is no, probably not.

the important thing to remember is that we all have the power to change our lives for the better. each and every one of us can do things, good or bad, that can change this world in one way or another. we are powerful. accountable. and we have a huge responsibility to the next generation of human beings to make this world as great and full of equality as we can.

robbers can be easily defeated by kicking them in the genitals to death.

Morning Poetry...

everyone knows that there are a few things i really excel at in life.

1. not talking about "club gay".
2. making dump and weenus wherever i want.
3. shaking babies until they stop crying.
4. writing kick-ass poetry.

its funny that making dump was number two.

MORNING POETRY FOR YOUR LIFE

Lovely Lady

in my mind
i see her in the distance
as she comes closer, she becomes more clear
i see her hair
blowing in the cool summer breeze
i see her eyes
shining like a beacon of freedom
i see her body
moving effortlessly like a fish through water
she is the woman of my dreams
she is the one amongst many
my one true love
she moves closer and closer
i can see her expression
she looks pissed
super pissed
she says that she feels bloated
and that she wants to get rid of the dog
she says my mother is too nosy
and that she has a headache
oh crap
why does she have half of my stuff?
i cant feel my legs
this isnt going to end well

Youthful Memories

if you ever think to yourself
that its a good idea to put
mcdonalds coffee between your legs
you should probably rethink that
because you could burn your genitals
and that hurts more than you would think

Here Is Why

sometimes when i am at church
people ask me questions
one question i get a lot is
"why dont you date women taller than you"
and im always like
"when was the last time
you thought of rebeca lobo
and you were like
oh yeah, i really wanna hit that"
then they are like
"that is very inappropriate"
and i'm all
"if you dont wanna see my coconuts
then you shouldnt shake my tree"

Taking a Stand

having a mustache says something about a person
way beyond what you would think
its tells people what you believe in
and how you go about living your life
it says to people
yeah, im wearing jean shorts
and yeah, i sell used vehicles
sure, ill wear socks with sandals
and yes, i own several firearms
absolutely, i would love to go with you
to see molly hatchet at the fairgrounds
.38 special is opening for them?
even better
yes, i have a collection of snakes
and i think i could defeat you
at arm wrestling
i have several beer cozys that can be worn
around my neck
i dont trust people with dark skin
and my sons middle name is "earnhardt"
what did you say?
do i drink busch light?
i have a mustache
i think you know the answer to that

Never Have I Ever

lets play a friendly game of
never have i ever
ill say never have i ever something
and if you have done it
you have to take a drink
okay
here we go
never have i ever been addicted to crystal meth
WAGG

Smiles!!!!!

why are you two so happy???

How to Make Women Love You...

its a well-known fact around the world that i am fairly adept at understanding the modern woman, and making this untamed sensual beast fall deeply in love with me all over my hot body. people from all over the world have been trying to perfect my technique for hundreds of years to no avail.

while you are somewhat correct in assuming that i can chalk up almost all of my conquests to the combination of the deep aroma of old spice and patchy facial hair, there are a few other tips you should be made aware of if you want to become to become a sexual casanova like yours truly.

HOW TO MAKE WOMEN LOVE YOU

* first impressions are of the utmost importance. always wear cologne, and lots of it. while most men accept that six to eight sprays of curve or CK1 on your neckal region should be enough, what a lot of people dont realize is that no it is not at all. if there is one law that women live by, its that whichever man she meets that is wearing the most cologne is that this is the man that she is more likely to go home with at the end of the night when she is feeling that going home with a guy might be the most electric idea she ever made that night with her own decisions. and a lot of people dont understand that.

* women like to be touched, so dont be afraid of being the one to initialize the contact. shake her hand and say "nice to meat you" - she will think the intentional misspelling is hilarious and witty. try holding the handshake a little longer than you normally would. when saying goodbye, bring her in close for an embrace. take a long, slow, deep breath in and tell her that you enjoy how warm she feels against your skin. at this point she will probably pretend to be outraged and will try to escape. you do not let this happen.

* if theres one thing women can appreciate, its honesty. if you dont like the way she does her hair or the outfit she is wearing, make sure to tell her. if you can tell that she has put on a few pounds or is bloated during that time of the month, suggest that she skip a meal or two. mention that the extra weight is starting to make her look more and more like her mother. women appreciate family.

* women love to be tickled. try playfully holding her down and poking her in the sides. i dont know, maybe you try tying her up so she cant fight you. while she is tied up, maybe you slap her around a little bit.

* women know that sometimes you want to make relations with another woman. women also know that they cant expect you to tell them everything that you do with your day. so, naturally, if a woman finds out that you cheated on her, she probably wont be all that upset about it.

* every woman has a fantasy associated with a cowboy. you know who was a cowboy? the marlboro man. consider taking up smoking.

* women love cooking for their man. but, again, women appreciate honesty above all else. so, when she has made you dinner, its important that you tell her if you dont like it. and instead of making some passing remark about the chicken being a bit dry, pick up your plate and throw it against the wall. push her down on the floor and ask her if she really expects you to eat this crap. tell her that youll give her something to cry about.

* many women in todays world worry that their boyfriend or husband might be secretly gay. chances are, your girlfriend or wife is one of these women. take it upon yourself to ease her worries - try sleeping with her best friend or sister. or both. probably both. this will show her that she has nothing to worry about when it comes to your sexuality. great job.

* women are always pretending that they dont like to be slapped in the mouth when they step out of line. pretending.

* if your girlfriend has a dog, its probably not a bad idea to poison that dog in order to draw her closer to you. upon learning of barkys death, she will no doubt turn to you for comfort and support. this is when you take money from her purse when she isnt looking. you should also give serious thought to drinking her tears for sustenance.

* women love when you use cute little pet names for them. "slut bag" is a good one.

good luck!

How to Land Your Dream Job...

when i am out on the streets, enjoying this beautiful weather, trying to score the best possible blow in central ohio, people are always coming up to me saying things like "dont walk down that road - thats where the blacks live" and "i do not trust people with dark colored skin" and "isnt it funny how mexicans are always not smiling for pictures?".

to those people i say "hey, kathleen turner - keep your hate speak to yourself."

but even more people lately have been coming up to me and asking me for tips on landing the best possible job in todays difficult economy. and to them i say "i love all people, regardless of their skin tone. and kathleen turner is a hateful racist."

HOW TO LAND YOUR DREAM JOB

* its important to want it. in an economy where there are thousands (maybe even billions) of qualified americans jobless and searching for the very same job you are, its important that you want it more than anyone else. quit your current job. sell your house. leave your wife and children hungry and bloody and without medical care. while you are walking away from your family, push your wife down. it will show future employers just how serious you are about being successful and having it all.

* while you are living on the streets looking for work, dont be afraid of doing certain things for money that you wouldnt have considered a few months ago. vagabond drifters need loving too. but they gotta pay.

* we live in a world where the GDP of many countries are tied together in a massive global economy. this means that you arent just going up against people from the united states for your dream job, but you are also fighting for your economic survival with people from all over the planet. because of this, it probably isnt a bad idea to start aimlessly killing people that look like they arent from your neck of the woods. and beware of those stinking flappy-headed derelicts from the communist republic of canada. just because they are white doesnt mean they are americans. USA! USA! USA!

* many times, during an interview, youll find yourself wanting to break wind but holding it back instead. dont. let that stink cheese rip. employers love that type of can-do attitude. also, chances are that you have been eating out of a garbage can since youve been living on the streets. this can only mean good things as far as smell is concerned.

* if you are being interview by a man, look him up and down (slowly) and tell him that you are willing to put money on the fact that he has a fairly decent looking wife. tell him that, if this interview is going as good as you think it is, that you would love to take her out for drinks afterwards to celebrate. be clear with your intentions. tell him that you want to make relations with his wife.

* if you are being interview by a woman, touch her hair and tell her how soft it is. say that she smells like your ex-wife, and that you like that about her. women love compliments.

* interviewers hate it when their candidates show up for a job interview sober. because of this, its always a good idea to throw back a couple bottle of grandpas cough medicine beforehand. and when in doubt, always drink more! also, if you have drugs (which you should) make sure to offer some to the interviewer. its polite to share. after the drugs have been taken and the mood starts to lighten a bit, mention that you would like to take his wife out for a drink.

* most interviewers have children. almost all children start their lives out as babies. so you can imagine how much the interviewer will appreciate any tips on raising children that you may have. make sure to tell the interviewer that a great way to stop a baby from crying is to shake that baby until it stops crying.

* at this point in the interview process, you will be drunk, high on drugs, passing gas, and will probably have a good idea of whether or not you will be scoring with someones wife that night. this is a good time to ask to borrow money.

* using foul language is something that all business people can appreciate. the general rule of thumb in the business world is that the fouler the language is, the better. also, its a good idea to be clear on the sexual orientation of your interviewer just so he or she will be as comfortable with you as possible. at some point early on in the interview (probably before the drug use), tell them that they are giving off a "i swing from both sides of the plate" vibe, and ask if that observation is accurate. they may seem a tad outraged, but tell them that most of the gay guys you know are drama queens too.

happy job hunting!

Bandi Cambridge - A Working Theory...

THEORY:

all of bandi cambridges status updates sound exactly the same.

PROOF:

OHHHH SNOOKY. i'm now hooked on that show....

oh conveyor belt of love...you are SO GOOD.

oh laundry....you never go away

Oh sweetheart....Idioms are tough to master in a second language, aren't they?

oh nick, you'll be the death of me this year.

Oh Londonites, if you didn't have such a charming demeanor and splendid accent, I could get real tired of you.

Oh how smart you are to carry travel-sized aerosol hairspray. This is why I love you, Target....this is why I love you.

CONCLUSION:

all of bandi cambridges status updates sound exactly the same.

On The Wings of Suck...

if you are awesome like me, you no doubt watched with faded breath last night as bachelor jake went against popular opinion and chose vienna over tenley (real names) on the season finale of "the bachelor: on the wings of love".

we were lucky enough to score an interview with the bachelor jake earlier this morning.

this interview (as are all interviews here at team secret falcon) is completely real (fake) and not made up at all (one-hundred percent not true) - enjoy.

TEAM SECRET FALCON INTERVIEW WITH BACHELOR JAKE NO DIGGITY NO DOUBT BACKSTREETS BACK ALRIGHT

TSF: first, jake, we want to thank you for taking the time to sit down with us here at team secret falcon.

JAKE: no problem, morgan. i am a big fan of your oregon trail blogs.

TSF: the bitches love the oregon trail.

JAKE: yep.

TSF: so, right off the bat, can you defend your choice of vienna - who is legitimately cross-eyed - over tenley last night?

JAKE: look, i came into this process with one thing on my mind - and that was to find the love of my life. and no matter what anyone thinks, i had to stay true to myself. vienna is the love of my life, so naturally i chose her.

TSF: correct me if i am wrong, but wasnt it just last season that you were saying that jillian was the love of your life?

JAKE: that statement would be correct, yes.

TSF: shouldnt that send up a few red flags to us as viewers?

JAKE: i am a pilot.

TSF: of course you are. next question. can you speak for a minute to us about viennas crazy eyes?

JAKE: well, its kind of of those "one mans trash is another mans treasure" type of situations. i know that viennas eyes might look a little off to some, but to me they are the eyes of the woman i love, so i think they are practically perfect in every way.

TSF: did you seriously just quote mary poppins?

JAKE: its one of my favorite movies!

VIENNA: jake and i love mary poppins!

TSF: vienna. thank you for joining us. even though you werent invited.

VIENNA: i didnt think you would mind.

TSF: i actually specifically asked for this exact scenario to not happen when we arranged this interview.

VIENNA: i am brutally honest.

TSF: jake, im just going to go ahead and say what all of america was thinking every single week as bat-shit-crazy vienna kept making the cut over smoking hot snatches like ali, gia, and tenley. you banged her while the cameras werent rolling and kept her around because of guilt, right?

JAKE: no comment.

VIENNA: i am brutally honest.

JAKE: i love you, baby.

VIENNA: we have chemistry. i am brutally honest.

JAKE: we have chemistry. i am a pilot.

VIENNA: you are a pilot and we have chemistry.

JAKE: you are brutally honest and i am a pilot.

TENLEY: i am beginning to think that maybe i can start to dream again.

TSF: this is getting out of hand. tenley, where did you come from?

TENLEY: well, i was just walking around thinking about how much i love picnics and rainbows and ponies, and i ended up here!

TSF: is there anyone else in attendance that i should be made aware of?

JAKES MOM: my biggest fear in life is that my daughters-in-law dont get along.

JAKES DAD: (drooling)

TSF: jake, talk to me for a second about how the bachelor process works. is it stressful? do you feel like you actually have enough time to get to know someone well enough to marry them?

JAKE: well morgan, its a difficult journey to say the least. when i first met ali, i thought that she was absolutely beautiful and that i could see myself falling in love with her. when i met tenley, i thought that she was perfect for me and that i would have a very difficult time ever letting her go.

TSF: what about when you met vienna?

JAKE: i thought she had crazy eyes and that i could definitely see her, for some reason, biting me in my sleep. i dont know why, i just got that feeling.

TSF: so what happened to make you choose her in the end?

JAKE: well, we slept together.

TSF: did she ever bite you in your sleep?

JAKE: a few times, yes.

VIENNA: we have great chemistry.

JAKE: you are brutally honest.

VIENNA: i am brutally honest and you are a pilot.

JAKE: i am a pilot and we have great chemistry.

TENLEY: butterflies are my favorite!

JAKE: chemistry and honesty and i am a pilot.

JAKES DAD: (crying, drooling)

TSF: i think i need to gain control of this interview. tenley - talk to us for a moment about how you are feeling after all of this. how has this process changed you as a person?

TENLEY: well, at first after jake didnt choose me, i was down in the dumpy-dumps. but then i sat down, remembered that they are so many pretty clouds in the sky and cute kittens in the world, and i began to feel like i may eventually begin to start to dream sweet dreams again. life is full of amazing and beautiful things!

TSF: i want to drown you.

VIENNA: tenley is a nice girl, but jake is mine. im sorry, but i am brutally honest.

JAKE: and we have great chemistry.

VIENNA: and you are a pilot.

JAKES MOM: i have three daughters-in-law. they must get along.

JAKES SISTER IN LAW: ULTRA BITCH MODE!!!!!!!

JAKES DAD: (sobbing, choking on drool)

JAKES BROTHER: i am dale earnhardt jrs doppleganger.

VIENNA: jake is a pilot.

TSF: i want to thank everyone for being here today. it was a great season of the bachelor, and if i have to hear "on the wings of love" ever again in my entire life, i am going to put a bullet in my temple. on behalf of myself and all of the readers of team secret falcon, you can all go directly to hell.

JAKE: thanks for having us.

VIENNA: we have chemistry.

JAKE: i am a pilot.

VIENNA: you are a pilot and we have chemistry.

JAKE: we have chemistry and you are brutally honest.

VIENNA: i am brutally honest and you are a pilot.

TENLEY: i love stickers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

First and Foremost...

sometimes when you own a blog, you become famous for your writings. sometimes when you are famous, hundreds of women will want to sleep with you even if you are a hideous, disgusting monster. sometimes when people see that you are with this many women, they will want to give you drugs and alcohol for free. sometimes when you do many, many drugs and consume hundreds and hundreds of gallons of pure grain alcohol, you end up not getting a lot of sleep and your brain refuses to come up with new and inventive topics on which to blog.

this is where facebook comes in handy. specifically, the "notes" section where people fill out surveys. when i am hungover on a monday morning from doing drugs and drinking alcohol, i find that filling out a survey goes a long way towards cooling the inner demons inside of my brains that demand hilarious and inventive blog entries.

FACEBOOK SURVEY #5,280

1. Who was your FIRST prom date?
> i went to prom when i was a freshman with the love of my life, molly iams. she was a junior at the time and our love was legendary. sadly, upon the day of her high school graduation, i was drafted into the army and we lost touch. every now and then, when i am trying to fall asleep, i hear a woman crying off in the distance in the mountains of columbus, ohio, and i cant help but feel that it is molly and that she is waiting for me to come and rescue her from her current life of meaningless nothingness so that we may be together forever. someday we will be together, my love. none of that is actually true.

2. Do you still talk to your FIRST love?
> you know i dont answer questions like that about my bitches. except for the previous question. and every other blog entry i have ever written.

3. What was your FIRST alcoholic drink?
> i think it was an MGD when i was a freshman in high school, though i remember my dad letting me take sips of his beer at cooper stadium when i was a young child. my father and i share a lot of common beliefs. for instance, we feel it is important to let young children (sometimes even toddlers) taste the sweet, sweet nectar of alcohol so that they may develop a healthy yearning for it and wont stop chasing it until they are twelve appletinis deep at 3am and calling their ex-girlfriend to tell her just how much of a mistake she made in choosing someone else. no one can love you like i can, baby.

4. What was your FIRST job?
> in the summer of 1998 i followed tara reid around the country and cleaned up after her whenever she vomited. it actually was way more work then it sounded, and i only lasted three weeks. but even today, the vomiting continues.

5. What was your FIRST car?
> if you have ever read this blog, you know all about the 1991 pontiac grand damage. you know of its wonder. you dont need me to tell you. you already know. some of you were even lucky enough to ride inside of it. thats what she said.

6. Who was the FIRST person to text you today?
> barndo, and he said - "sorry about last night. i dont know how that happened. i hope things arent weird between us. i'll call you sometime."

7. Who is the FIRST person you thought of this morning?
> all of my wonderful co-members in our newly founded "club gay". there are four rules that all members of "club gay" must abide by, and you should know them all if you wish to join...

rule #1 - its gotta be gay
rule #2 - its gotta be HOT
rule #3 - you do not talk about club gay
rule #4 - ahhh boom boom boom

call mike steele if you are interested in joining.

8. Who was your FIRST grade teacher?
> mrs sands. she was roughly 139 years old then, and is almost certainly passed away by now. i know this because i murdered her.

9. Where did you go on your FIRST ride on an airplane?
> columbus to detroit, with a layover in pittsburgh. it was for a tour of the cities in america with the most white trash douchebags. i dont know why i kept going after pittsburgh.

10. Who was your FIRST best friend & do you still talk?
> paul pfeiffer, and no, not really. once i came home on the fourth of july and winnie was with some other guy, the three of us really grew apart. the last i heard, paul had gotten really into some pretty hard drugs, and was living in sin with a middle aged prostitute in arizona. sometimes i call winnie to see how she is doing, though i try to make it through a few appletinis first. you know, just for the enhanced courage. just so shell know exactly how i feel. no one can love you like i can, baby.

11. Where was your FIRST sleep over?
> true story here. it was at sean ryans house, and we were gleefully watching the WWF and pretending we were hulk hogan and the ultimate warrior. you know, kids having a good wholesome time and not hurting anyone. then seans father came into the room and was clearly in angry dream-crushing mode. he told me that wrestling wasnt real, and i began to cry. the very next week, my dad told me that santa wasnt real and that i would probably never play for the celtics or even in the NBA. i dont know what it is about me that screams "please destroy my life", but it looks like it hasnt come close to wearing off quite yet.

12. Who was the FIRST person you talked to today?
> dick picker aka backyard bitch aka mystery guest.

13. Whose wedding were you in the FIRST time?
> i was in my dads wedding, which is far less redneck than it sounds - i promise. it was in 1996 and i was 14. after the ceremony, sean ryans dad told me that he didnt think it would last and that i would probably die alone. dream-crusher!

14. What was the FIRST thing you did this morning?
> realized that tonight is the season finale of "the bachelor: on the wings of love" and quickly urinated in my pantolones. i swear on everything that is holy - if he picks vienna, i am going to throw a brick through my television. jake, i know that you are 85 percent dead behind the eyes and that your brain is in constant "do situps - go to the gym - sleep - bang bitches" mode, but even you have to realize what a tragic mistake you would be making if you married a former hooters waitress that is 23 and already once divorced. if you are going to marry a divorced hooters waitress, you know that you have to wait until they are at least 34 and really desperate. this is when they will do almost anything in order to procreate.

15. What was the FIRST concert you ever went to?
> fairly certain it was aerosmith at polaris in 1994. defintiely saw men doing lines of coke in the bathroom. it was a good show, great memories, and the reason i am the coaine addict that i am today.

16. FIRST broken bone?
> i broke my hand punching the wall when they cancelled "garfield and friends" in 1994.

17. FIRST piercing?
> a lesser man would make a penis joke here. but i refuse to lower myself to that level. and anyone that does can expect me to punch them directly in the penis.

18. FIRST foreign country you've gone to?
> canada, eh? take off, hoser.

19. FIRST movie you remember seeing?
> it was when i was about two years old, and it was two people who werent wearing any clothing. maybe one of them was in a maids outfit, i dont know. its tough to remember. my dad got a little upset when he found me watching it. he said it was "daddys special movie" and that i shouldnt tell my mom about it. what a hilarious pornography joke.

20. When was your FIRST detention?
> i wrote a fake note to a bus driver so i could go to matt woods house after school. furthermore, i remember when sean gould got a detention in 2nd grade for tell the only black kid in our school (tony dent) that he looked like chocolate milk. how outrageously inappropriate is that? pretty damn inappropriate, thats for sure. also, its a little absolutely hilarious.

22. Who was your FIRST roommate?
> my brothers and i shared a room for my entire childhood until my parents decided to give me my own room sometime around 6th grade. i havent slept in the same room with another person since.

23. If you had one wish, what would it be?
> to end world hunger and find a cure for all the diseases that people suffer from. actually, thats not true. if i had one wish, i would want to be president of the world, and i would institute policies that guaranteed more wide-spread hunger and i would put billions of dollars towards researching new and more painful diseases, then i would infect a good majority of the planets population and laugh as they begged for help / died. that nice thing i said at the very beginning of this paragraph was actually not true at all.

24. What is something you would learn if you had the chance?
> how exactly someone would become president of the world. im not sure that specific office actually exists. yet.

25. What was the FIRST sport you were involved in?
> i used to watch a lot of "my little pony" when i was a kid. i always hated shows like "gi joe" where there was a bunch of shooting and killing, as it didnt exactly speak to me. come to think of it, my involvement in "club gay" is probably not a huge surprise to anyone who knew me when i was a kid.

26. What were the FIRST lessons you ever took?
> awesome-badass lessons. sometimes lessons pay off, children.

27. What is the FIRST thing you do when you get home?
> i do bicep curls while staring in the mirror and repeating the phrase "picture me rollin" seven to eight hundred times. after that i crush a mountain dew, iron my ed hardy shirts, and urinate into a large jar that i am trying to fill up with my own pee for no good reason whatsoever. depending on how i am feeling, i might cut myself and watch some tennis. sometimes i look at pictures of giraffes and cry. richard gere is a real hero of mine. the movies hes made over the years - i dont really watch them. but the facts that hes making them, i respect that.