Thoughts: Midnight Twilight Premier...

let me start this blog entry by saying this - i had never seen a twilight movie until last night. i knew nothing of the characters or the story. and yes, i am a heterosexual. i think. but probably not.

TWILIGHT SAGA: ECLIPSE

*i think if i had to choose a side between "team fifteen year old pale vampire" and "team shirtless mexican werewolf", i would choose the vampire team because he would be less likely to eventually steal my landscaping jobs.

* the dublin AMC has eighteen theatres, and all eighteen were showing twilight at exactly 12am. you didnt even have to go to the theatre that was printed on your ticket. and i can totally get down on that type of freedom. USA! USA! USA!

* the girl who plays bella, who is the less slutty and more fugly version of sookie stackhouse, is completely wrong for her part. am i really to believe that the pale fifteen year old vampire and the shirtless mexican werewolf will fight to the death over some snatch who looks like the kid from terminator 2 with longer hair? i think not.

* i can say, without question, that i was the oldest person in the movie theatre last night. if i knew ahead of time it was going to be like that, i totally would have cleaned the blood off of my clown costume.

* i like how the dad vampire is mike dexter from "cant hardly wait". i kept expecting him to try to get back together with jennifer love hewitt.

* so let me get this straight - the vampires in twilight have romantic feelings, are huge pussies, can go out in the daytime with no trouble at all, dont attack and kill people, and you dont ever see their fangs? yeah, i liked that version of vampires better when they were called "normal people, including my dad, pharmacist, razor ramon, and every other human being ever born".

* the preview for the new harry potter movie almost got a standing ovation from the crowd. my concern - someday, someone will notice that harry potter has been fighting that same guy with no nose for roughly twelve movies, and the whole world will collapse in on itself. and not even obama can save us from that. but he probably will anwyay.

* i asked why the shirtless mexican werewolf never wore a shirt, and i was told that it was because when he shifted into a wolf, his shirt would rip off. yet somehow his shorts and shoes stayed on. because that makes sense.

* usually i really, really like awful, mindless entertainment. i mean, i watch the bachelor. and sex and the city. and ive seen at least five episodes of jersey shore. but twilight is different. its, like, vomit inducing. the acting is just so, so terrible. the story is insanely piss poor. the action was laughable, and the fighting scenes were so fast and blurry that you couldnt tell if you were watching hand to hand combat or scrambled cable porno from the early 1990s. the theatre smelled like failure mixed with facebook and proactiv, and the whole experience made me want to die.

all in all, a fun tuesday night / wednesday morning.

team shirtless mexican werewolf! woo!

Inspirational Poetry...

when im not spending time harassing the elderly and burning down orphanages, i like to sit back in my throne made of baby panda pelts, smoke some crystal meth and write some inspirational poetry for the masses.

POETRY FOR YOUR LIVE(S)

Office Rambo
you sit at your desk
eating your nilla wafers
and drinking your diet coke
your cubicle walls seperate you from
the world
as outside your area
dangers await
you talk with carl
the nerdy IT guy
about how funny the a-team was
and how amanda in HR is a whore
wait
whats that sound
coming from the kitchen
sounds like
unavoidable pain
if you are hearing that sound
its too late
i have found you
you are already dead
signed,
office rambo

UFC 106
roses are red
violets are blue
i am a man from brazil
and i am here to sleep with your girlfriend

You Look Ridiculous
here is something i dont understand
about the world
why is it that 9 times out of 10
when you see a picture of a girl on facebook
she has one arm wrapped around another girl
and the other arm is perched on her hip
what is up with that?
why the perched arm?
is it because you think your arms are fat?
because they are

Impressions
when i am walking on the beach at sunset
and i see a trail of footprints
leading off into the horizon
i always wonder "where do they lead?"
and i think to myself
"i'll bet it was one of those queer guys
thinking about how to make my son a queer guy
and ruin our economy"
no way those devils are getting married on MY watch
USA USA USA USA USA

Paying it Forward
i think a nice thing to do
is to take a post-it note
and draw a smiley face on the front of it
then put it on your brothers dresser
so when he gets up in the morning
he'll be like "awwww!"
and then when you get his wife pregnant
and he chases you with a knife
and he is going to murder you
you can be like "remember the post-it note!"
and he'll be like "awwwww!"
and you can get an apartment together
and he will probably forget all about it

Rain Drops
umbrellas are a useful tool when its raining outside
because they are made of
wait
what in the hell are umbrellas made of?

Shut Up and Make Me a Sandwich
baby
you know im not one to play into antiquated
gender roles
and you know i respect you
as a human being
and you know i think the world of you
as a person
but
shut up and make me a sandwich
thanks
bitch

World Cup Preview...

finally, the world cup is here. if this were international superstar soccer 98, and we were playing on the nintendo 64, we could just chalk this up as an eventual brazil domination and move on with our lives.

but it isnt. so we cant. and we wont.

here is everything you need to know about the major players in this years world cup...

COUNTRY TEAMS FOR SOCCER PLAYINGS

Brazil
the little canaries come into the competition as the most successful country in the history of the world cup. expect them to push the envelope on offense, drink copious amounts of heineken, watch UFC fights in the arena district, wear really REALLY tight embroidered t-shirts, and "crush" red bull anywhere from six to eleven times per night. not going to lie, one of them is probably going to rape your girlfriend.

England
the english have been hungry for another cup since their win in the 1966 final against west germany. the surprise of the tournament will be after their opening game loss to the US, when the americans dress up like indians and pour their entire reserve of gatorade into the atlantic ocean.

Germany
the obvious joke here would be something having to do with another team trying to "tear down that defensive wall", but theres nothing funny about getting a soccer ball to the genitals at 75 MPH.

South Africa
the host country is looking to make a serious run, and they believe they can make some waves in this tournament. but this is soccer, not barefoot distance running, so its probably not going to happen. racism.

United States
the americans come into the world cup with the expectation of winning games and moving on. their biggest weakness? local farmers markets and cool vintage clothing shops. and trying to take pictures with people of dark skin color so they can upload them onto facebook. the americans back home will be so jealous.

Mexico
the local south african government has been warned that its only a matter of time before these filthy mexican criminals stop kicking soccer balls and start stealing lawn-mowing jobs. USA! USA! USA!

Japan
the japanese team comes into this years competition looking to improve on their goal scoring and cut down on the amount of traffic accidents their team bus has been causing. since the 1994 cup, the accident total stands at twenty-seven, which is a most honorable number.

Canada
hahahahahahahahahahaha. yeah, right.

France
when i asked the media rep for the french national team to comment on their chances this year, he told me i was a "pussy american" who knew nothing about culture or the proper way to love a woman. but i was too busy taking a shower every day and practicing general body hygiene to be offended.

Your Weekly Horoscope...

as you well know, every week here at team secret falcon i post your weekly horoscopes every week. it happens once a week, and thats why i call it my weekly horoscope. or your weekly horoscope. whatever it is, it happens once a week so we know that it has to be accurate.

HOROSCOPE

Aries
way to be such a stuck up ho-bag at put-in-bay this weekend, you stuck up ho-bag. those guys spent hundreds of dollars on you and your friends, and not a single one of you could even be bothered to go back to their seedy hotel room with them and let them drug you and take advantage of you. see? this is exactly why we, as americans, demand a more potent and effective date rape drug.

Taurus
you never listen, do you? how many times has someone told you not to eat from the seafood buffet at the strip club? and now you have diarrhea all over your inner thighs, and there is still an hour left in your quarterly sales meeting. your lucky numbers are 27 and 3.

Gemini
look, its nice that youve discovered bath and body works body spray, and congrats on the abercrombie sweater and new pair of doc martens, but 1997 called and it wants its fashion trends back, okay?

Pisces
oh look, you have a baby. thats great. and you want me to hold it........okay. thats a good baby you have there. oh, and you are telling me all about the things that it does at home. great. whats that? you need to tell me about the things you think it is thinking when it makes a certain face or produces a certain noise? ummm, okay. it looks like your sister when she was a baby? alright. i wont know what real love it until i have a child? thanks. thanks for making me feel like my life is a complete and total waste. why did you bring a baby to a wedding again? bitch.

Leo
the sun is in the third constellation of the celestial plain, and pluto will soon move into the third house of the cosmic rao. this is the universes way of telling you that your new bangs are not working out how you envisioned them. grow them out. like, now.

Virgo
i have checked the cards over and over again, and it unfortunately looks like you are going to be eaten by a dinosaur sometime within the next 4-5 days. sorry about your luck. i'll make sure to console your girlfriend, if you know what i mean. and i mean penetration.

Libra
there is no question your boss is going to come on to you in the copy room this week. let him. quit being such a wet blanket all the time.

Scorpio
bad news from your parents today - they have developed a serious gambling addiction and must move in with you as they have no place else to live. on top of it, your fathers hemorrhoids are worse than ever, and they require daily cleansing and applying of a medical cream, and your mothers arthritis prevents her from helping out. your hair stylist was murdered by a mountain lion, and the new person who cuts your hair will make you resemble the future evil biff tannen from back to the future part 2.

Sagittarius
life is taking a turn for the better, and its time to start paying it forward. invest in a local community garden. help out at a homeless shelter. donate to a worthwhile cause. finally tell your son that you arent his real father. buy a gun and kill the first person you see. use more racial slurs in public.

Capricorn
you best friend hates you, and your family secretly hopes you get transferred somewhere out west. your dog laying a fresh log on your pillow today is a good sign that you should probably kill youself, you pathetic loser.

Aquarius
you are right to think that selling drugs is a market that is really ready to take off. its like, yeah, people are always going to need to do drugs, right? i mean, its not that complicated. go with your gut. there is money to be made here.

Cancer
its not your fault that you have been extra moody and unreliable since switching from the pill to the nuva ring - thats a lot of extra hormones that you arent used to, and its going to take awhile for your body to adapt. in the meantime, make sure to take your frustrations out on your husband. and if the kids are too much to handle, maybe you drive your mini van into a lake or something. i dont know. we're just talking here.

Dear Team Secret Falcon...

its time, once again, for another edition of the mailbag.

enjoy yourself. its a celebration, bitch.

TSF - whats the worst thing about blogging? -ben savage (philadelphia, pa)

thanks for writing, ben - i loved "boy meets world". without a doubt the worst part about this blog is the time i put into it without getting much back out of it. i go out of my way to move to this country, learn to speak your language, come up with provocative and extremely racist blog topics, and no one outside of kathleen once every two weeks can be bothered to post a comment or give me free drugs. i dont ask much. you people are very selfish.

TSF - if you were stranded on an island, which five albums would you bring with you? -william t riker (alaska)

this all depends on whether you allow me to bring beatles albums or not, as i could easily choose five beatles alumbs and be fine. for the sake of argument, lets say no beatles albums and no greatest hits albums.

1. "Into the Great Wide Open" by Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers - this is a no-doubter. i loved it the second it came out in 1991, and i love it just as much today. best track - "in the dark of the sun".

2. "Lady Soul" by Aretha Franklin - on a scale of 1-10, this album is probably a fifty-six. the greatest voice in the history of voices. best track (ever) - "since you been gone".

3. "Tumbleweed Connection" by Elton John - the country and western theme likely has more to do with his penchant for dressing up in fabulous costumes than his fascination with the musical genre, but its still one of the all-time greats. best track - "country comfort".

4. "Band on the Run" by Paul McCartney and Wings - name one bad song on this album. go ahead, i dare you. the build up at the end of "nineteen hundred and eighty-five" is pepper-esque, and "jet", the title track, and "let me roll it" remain radio staples thirty-seven years after their release. best track - "helen wheels".

5. "American Idiot" by Green Day - i try to fight it, but i really think this is one of my most favoritest albums ive ever heard front to back. its just under an hour in length, and its worth every second. best track - "jesus of suburbia".

bonus...

6. "Permission to Land" by The Darkness - perhaps no album better defines my twenties than permission to land. and i dont even know what that means. but seriously, there is some lyrical genius hidden in this record, including such lines as "you are drunk and you are surly, in latino lover-mode" and "oh see the lady i adore, dancing on the dancing floor, dancing on a friday night" and "the way she moves moves me to write bad poetry". i dont even need to tell you how perfect of a song "i believe in a thing called love" is, because you already know. best track - "friday night".

7. "Little Voice" by Sarah Bareilles - take my man card. i dont want it, and i have no interest in it. burn the son of a bitch in the worlds biggest and most intense camp fire for all i care. this album is fantastical, and i could listen to it forever. best track - "many the miles".

TSF - is shaking a baby a good way to get that baby to stop crying? -rue mcclanahan (miami, fl)

yes.

TSF - i am a young latino woman who is getting married to a white man next month. anything i should be expecting? -jennifer lopez (tacos and burritos)

well, you are likely used to a more, ummm, "intense" version of love-making than your future partner is going to be able to provide, but its important to make sure he doesnt feel deflated when you end up lying there like a CPR doll every night for 3-7 minutes. use words like "special" and "gentle" when describing our methods. we like that.

TSF - im currently dating a guy who i like very much. the only problem is, i dont really understand sports, and the more i watch them, the less i like them. should i just keep pretending to like them until we get married and then suddenly get really pissed off when he even so much as thinks about watching a basketball game during the week? -every girl everywhere (anytown, USA)

yes. and make sure to be a total bitch about it.

TSF - what was the best moment of your life? -katinka ingabogovinanana (mugatus secret lair)

if you take away ohio state sporting accomplishments, im left with a few truly wonderful moments that stick out...

* when i found out that barndos first email address was SexyBoyParge@yahoo.com and that it was inspired by shaun michales of the WWF.

* throwing a glass beer bottle as far into the air as i could in a parking lot on campus and having it land and not break.

* every time i hear major tom finally call out to ground control after he safely lands back on earth in "space oddity". that always makes me happy.

TSF - if you could say one thing to the youth of america, what would it be? -fudge gydosh (boston, ma)

get to work early. go fishing. rob a bank. steal from your grandparents. call up a bomb factory and tell them theres a bomb in their building. learn martial arts. have a silky smooth jump shot. smack that woman in the mouth if she steps out of line. organize your thoughts. dont bleed on your khakis. fight your nemesis. high five your best pal. get into a tickle fight with a super model. eats loads and loads of mexican food. own several guns. vote for nader. invent electricity. purchase drugs from an untrustworthy source. hate michigan. hate them hard. dont trust the catholics. get enough protein in your diet. thats what she said.

World's Greatest Running Playlist...

for those of us pavement-pounders out there, the dangers of the road are everywhere. step off the wrong curb, and you are flattened by a garbage truck. come down on the wrong piece of loose footing, and your ankle folds like a house of cards. play chicken with the wrong person focused on their cell phone instead of driving their car, and you are totally and completely screwed.

as an outdoor runner, theres not much you can do.

which is why i crank up my ipod, make sure im wearing my road ID so the police can identify my dead body, and constantly search for that elusive runners high.

THE WORLDS GREATEST RUNNING MIX

"I Saw The Sign" by Ace of Base
nothing screams "i dont give a good gosh darn about playing into societys stereotypical definition of what a man is supposed to be" quite like ace of base. crank it up, yell it loud, and see the sign - it will open up your eyes.

"I Can Love You Like That" by All 4 One
wagg and i used to drive around in my 1991 pontiac grand am, sucking down swiped true green 100s and singing this song at the top of our lungs. until that one day when we were juniors and that truck full of seniors pulled up next to us at a stop light and totally busted us out. ever since that day, we have been singing it way louder and way prouder than we ever though possible. if you want tenderness, i got tenderness.

"Thank You For Being a Friend" by Andrew Gold
the inspiration for the golden girls theme song version, this classic 70s ballad takes you on a whirlwind journey of emotions, and leaves you positive that if your best friend ever through and party and invited everyone they knew, that they would see the biggest gift would be from you and the card attached would say "thank you for being a friend".

"Barbie Girl (Dutch Version)" by Aqua
how could you possibly make barbie girl a better song? SING IT IN DUTCH, BITCH. or something that sounds a lot like german. im an american. europe confuses me.

"Can't Get Enough of Your Love" by Barry White
sometimes when i listen to this song when im running, i try to dance at the same time and i end up tripping and falling into a messy white-guy-trying-to-dance-to-black-music pile of unfortunate awkwardness on the ground. but thats okay. its like the more you give, the more i want baby.

"Lido Shuffle" by Boz Scaggs
because it was my ringtone for so many years, and every time i hear the chorus i imagine christie pickler singing "freedom - whoa oh oh oh oh oh!" - dude, its LIDO, not FREEDOM. come on.

"Toxic" by Britney Spears
a lot of people dont know this, but britney spears is actually totally and completely awesome. thats science, and you cant argue with science.

"That's The Way It Is" by Celine Dion
i felt like i had to mention a celine song (we are are a first name basis), as she is currently preggo with twins at the ripe old age of eighty-seven. i guess what she said was true - love comes to those who believe it, and thats the way it is. crap, i just vomited all over my pants.

"Better Days" by Citizen King
when i worked at the gap in high school (pause for unavoidable gay jokes), this was one of the songs they played in the store. the songs were predetermined, and were on a single CD that was put on repeat and played all day, every day. and this was during the "dress you up in my love" phase of the gap, which meant that song was played roughly every 10-12 minutes of your eight hour shift. "better days" was always a welcome break from madonna and her musically void shriek that she passes off as a singing voice.

"1,2,3,4 - Sumpin' New" by Coolio
one of my most favorite lyrics of all-time is in this song. "if you want beef, then nigga eat a porkchop" - simple, effective, and so, so true. you want beef? eat pork. even though its not beef. whatever.

"Jenny From The Block" by Jennifer Lopez
i think jennfier lopez, musically, falls under the same umbrella britney spears does, in the sense that they are both made of pure, beautiful, uncut genius, and their songs can turn a 5 mile run into a 25 mile run without you even noticing.

"Feeling That Way / Anytime" by Journey
yes, children - journey actually wrote songs other than "dont stop believin", and many of them are seriously badass. you could do worse things than popping open your laptop and illegally downloading this amazing two-in-one song for the ages and listening to it until your ears bleed and you head explodes.

"Jump" by Kriss Kross
i know ive said this about a million times in this blog over the years, but the official slogan for windermere elementary school when i was in fifth grade was "jump jump". i dont know why or what it was supposed to mean, but its tough not to respect the fact that out of all the songs in the world, dr yarletts was smart enough to choose such a radical composition to represent his entire community of students and teachers alike. so throw those jeans on backwards, and let the mac daddy and daddy mac make you jump jump.

"Extraordinary" by Liz Phair
i pretty much make it a rule to download and listen to every song that has ever been featured in a WNBA commercial on ESPN. all the time. forever.

"Return of The Mack" by Mark Morrison
listen, you dont need me to tell you why this is one of the greatest pump-up songs in the history of the universe. you already know. its the song that made mark morrison the international recording artist that he is today.

"Brandy (You're a fine girl)" by Looking Glass
a song about a stuck up prude who forgets that shes a freaking waitress in some harbor town and should be sleeping with at least two guys at a time, this little ditty reminds you of all that is wrong with monogamous relationships. hes not coming back to you, brandy. no harbor is his home. his life, his lover, and his lady is the sea. not you. he doesnt love you. you mean nothing to him. wanna go out sometime?

"Story of a Girl" by Nine Days
this is the story of a girl who cried a river and drowned the whole world, and while she looks so sad in photographs, i absolutely love her when she smiles. this is also my friend kathleen turners most favorite song in the world.

"How Bizarre" by OMC
even though its a song written and recorded by those unholy illegal immigrant mexicans who are trying to ruin our country and impregnate our daughters, its still a solid jam.

"Helen Wheels" by Paul McCartney
if you cant get pumped to run to this song, you dont have a weenus. if you dont have a weenus, you are a girl. if you are a girl, wanna go out sometime?

"Hey Sandy" by Polaris
its the theme song to "the adventures of pete and pete". you can get down on that, right? i thought so.

"Banana Phone" by Raffi
its a song with a peel. now you can have your phone and eat it too. this song drives me bananas.

"Two Becomes One" by The Spice Girls
sometimes when you are out on the road, staring mile after mile directly in the face, you need to get a little romantic with your bad self. sometimes you need to get funky. get nasty. thats where the spice girls come in to play. cause tonight is the night, when two becomes one.

"Hold On" by Wilson Phillips
its a known fact that...

a) drugs are non addictive and 100% safe for children of all ages
b) listening to wilson phillips causes the average runner to improve their mile time by anywhere from 30-47% the first time they take in the sweet, sweet melodic harmonies of those sexy lesbians.

you should probably download it right this very second.