if theres one thing we know about life, its that frequently, if not most of the time, if not almost always, if not frequently, you die at the end. when you die, science has proven that you go to heaven, where there is a plentiful amount of baked goods and full-flavored soda that has the caloric content of their diet soda counterparts here on earth. which is good, because you wont have to sit at your desk all day pretending that you like cherry coke zero as much as you like regular cherry coke, you dirty lying filthy communist.
sadly, most of us are in our twenties and are at least three years away from dying, which is killing me right now because if i dont get a hostess fruit pie and a mountain dew in the next twelve to fifteen seconds, im going to start killing the hostages.
while you are stuck here on earth away from the heavenly goodness of your eventual sugar-coma, its probably a good idea to spend as much time as possible devoting your life to the closest thing to heaven we have here on earth.
ohio state football.
OHIO STATE FOOTBALL PREVIEW 2010
vs. Marshall - the thundering herd come into the horseshoe on thursday night, marking the first time the season has started on a week day since the buckeyes beat wyoming 24-10 in 1997. since the entire coaching staff, offense, and defense has been overhauled since marshall last played a football game, scouting is semi irrelevant. instead, lets think for a minute about how great of a musician katy perry is.
Ohio State leads the all-time series 1-0
Prediction:
Ohio State 30
Marshall 10
vs. Miami (FL) - the last time we saw cryami, they were ankle-deep in their own tears after a COMPLETELY CORRECT pass interference call led to the buckeyes winning the 2002 national championship. the canes started hot out of the gates last season, before losing a couple conference games, and ultimately falling short against wisconsin in the champs sports bowl. the skill position players are there, but the offensive line in particular is young, weak, and should absolutely be destroyed by a talented collection of buckeye d-lineman with bad attitudes. and you dont need me to tell you that the team who wins in the trenches, usually wins on the scoreboard.
Ohio State leads the all-time series 2-1
Prediction:
Ohio State 27
Miami 17
vs. Ohio - hey remember last time we played OU and we were actually losing to that pathetic roster of nerds and ginger kids in the fourth quarter? you know i have nothing but love for both athens and the bobcats, but come on buckeyes. ohio state should be able to beat OU while they are asleep and recently have had their arms replaced with the long stretched out microphone cord from "my first sony". boo "radley" jackson returns as the bobcat playcaller, and frank solich is AT THIS MOMENT working hard on a game plan to stop terrelle pryor. at least he will be once he wakes up in the athens county jail, wipes the crusted vomit from the corners of his mouth, and gets into the office. i like to think this happens every morning.
Ohio State leads the all-time series 2-0
Prediction:
Ohio State 100
Frank Solich passed out behind the wheel going the wrong way on a one-way street
vs. Eastern Michigan - the eagles might be the worst college football team in the history of the known universe. no, they definitely are. instead of wasting time talking about how bad the buckeyes are going to slaughter those poor green-clad bastards, lets stop for a minute and think about how talented of a singer katy perry is.
Ohio State leads the all-time series 0-0. This is not a misprint.
Prediction:
Ohio State 1,000
Katy Perry: talented singer
at Illinois - the fighting ron zooks come into columbus to kick off the last season of non-divisional big ten football. while some might argue that season two of "temptation island" was the most disappointing thing that has ever happened in america, others choose to go with every season of fighting illini football after the rose bowl meltdown of 2007. the zooker will be coaching for his job this year, and he will fail. hard.
Ohio State leads the all-time series 62-30-3
Prediction:
Ohio State 38
Illinois 16
vs. Indiana - yep, indiana plays football.
Ohio State leads the all-time series 66-9-4
Prediction:
Ohio State 35
Indiana 7
at Wisconsin - this is the game that worries me the most. last season the buckeyes used two INT returns for touchdowns, and a ray small kickoff return for a touchdown to beat a wisconsin team that BADLY out gained them, 31-13. this year, the big tens best offense returns ten of eleven starters, and gets the bucks at home. you can say that causing turnovers and winning the special teams battle is something that jim tressel teams do week in and week out, year after year, but i said after the game last year that i thought wisky had our number the next time we played. its tough to go undefeated.
Ohio State leads the all-time series 53-17-5
Prediction:
Wisconsin 21
Ohio State 17
vs. Purdue - you dont need me to remind you of last years game in west lafayette, but im going to do it anyway. terrelle pryors two interceptions and two fumbles culminated in a 26-18 loss, and caused backup QB joe bauserman to immediately become the most popular man in columbus. statements such as "you cant coach stupid" and "this is the worst day of my life" flowed freely from my lips, before the sweet, sweet taste of cider beer forced me into a long autumn sleep. danny hope is a punk bitch.
Ohio State leads the all-time series 37-13-2
Prediction:
Ohio State 38
Purdue 17
at Minnesota - hey look! its the worst team in the big ten! but they have a new stadium! minnesota return only two starters on defense (and im almost positive one is injured and the other got arrested) and they lose eric decker. bad things shaping up for tim brewster, who is a legitimately awful human being. but, hey, OMGNEWSTADIUM!!11!1!
Ohio State leads the all-time series 42-7
Prediction:
Ohio State 34
Minnesota 0
vs. Penn State - the nittany lions come back into columbus looking to avenge the beating the buckeyes put down on them in happy valley last season. joe paterno looks for the rare double play of adding another victory into his impressive all-time win column, while at the same time NOT adding a hot load of diarrhea into his underpants. both are extremely unlikely.
Ohio State leads the all-time series 13-11
Prediction:
Ohio State 27
Penn State 12
at Iowa - ahh yes, the iowa game. the rematch of the defacto big ten title game from a season ago, and how sweet it was. i think im one of the only buckeye fans in the great state of ohio who really isnt all that worried about this game. go ahead and take a guess on how many times the hawkeyes have beaten the buckeyes since 1962. hmmm, lets see. a good program, solid coach, a history of some really good players. so, in 48 years, you have to figure they have won at least 15 times, right? maybe even 20. that seems logical, right? wrong. four times. FOUR TIMES. iowa has beaten ohio state FOUR TIMES since 1962, and two of those wins were during the huge embarrassment failure seasons of 1991 and 2004. four wins in forty-eight years! so pardon me if im not shaking in my boots over a top ten hawkeye team, even if the bucks have to go on the road. scoreboard.
Ohio State leads the all-time series 45-14-3
Prediction:
Ohio State 20
Iowa 13
vs. Michigan - the skunk weasels should be better this year, but as we know from math (science term) anything multiplied by zero equals zero - which is exactly how many bowl games michigan has been to in the past two seasons. throw in an impressive THREE conference wins during the dick rod era, and the maize and blew are poised for success in 2010. ive been hearing a lot ego stroking thrown the way of denard robinson this offseason, but what else are you going to do in michigan when football isnt being played? invest in the local economy? right.
Michigan leads the all-time series 57-43-6, with 19 of those wins coming from 1897-1927. In that same time period, Ohio State won only three times and tied twice. Since the advent of modern football in 1950, Ohio State leads the series 31-27-2, and that includes John Cooper's 2-10-1 record from 1988-2000. In other words, if it weren't for leather football helmets and John Cooper, Ohio State owns the rivalry. Have fun with your wins from the 1800's, Skunk Weasel fans.
Prediction:
Ohio State 28
Michigan 12
BOWL GAME
based on my completely factual predictions that will, without question, come to pass, the buckeyes are looking at a record of 11-1, with a 7-1 mark in the conference. with the parity of college football this season, im going to go ahead and say we play in the national championship game against oklahoma. which we will win 24-19.
you heard it here first.
go bucks. michigan sucks. help is on the way.
sadly, most of us are in our twenties and are at least three years away from dying, which is killing me right now because if i dont get a hostess fruit pie and a mountain dew in the next twelve to fifteen seconds, im going to start killing the hostages.
while you are stuck here on earth away from the heavenly goodness of your eventual sugar-coma, its probably a good idea to spend as much time as possible devoting your life to the closest thing to heaven we have here on earth.
ohio state football.
OHIO STATE FOOTBALL PREVIEW 2010
vs. Marshall - the thundering herd come into the horseshoe on thursday night, marking the first time the season has started on a week day since the buckeyes beat wyoming 24-10 in 1997. since the entire coaching staff, offense, and defense has been overhauled since marshall last played a football game, scouting is semi irrelevant. instead, lets think for a minute about how great of a musician katy perry is.
Ohio State leads the all-time series 1-0
Prediction:
Ohio State 30
Marshall 10
vs. Miami (FL) - the last time we saw cryami, they were ankle-deep in their own tears after a COMPLETELY CORRECT pass interference call led to the buckeyes winning the 2002 national championship. the canes started hot out of the gates last season, before losing a couple conference games, and ultimately falling short against wisconsin in the champs sports bowl. the skill position players are there, but the offensive line in particular is young, weak, and should absolutely be destroyed by a talented collection of buckeye d-lineman with bad attitudes. and you dont need me to tell you that the team who wins in the trenches, usually wins on the scoreboard.
Ohio State leads the all-time series 2-1
Prediction:
Ohio State 27
Miami 17
vs. Ohio - hey remember last time we played OU and we were actually losing to that pathetic roster of nerds and ginger kids in the fourth quarter? you know i have nothing but love for both athens and the bobcats, but come on buckeyes. ohio state should be able to beat OU while they are asleep and recently have had their arms replaced with the long stretched out microphone cord from "my first sony". boo "radley" jackson returns as the bobcat playcaller, and frank solich is AT THIS MOMENT working hard on a game plan to stop terrelle pryor. at least he will be once he wakes up in the athens county jail, wipes the crusted vomit from the corners of his mouth, and gets into the office. i like to think this happens every morning.
Ohio State leads the all-time series 2-0
Prediction:
Ohio State 100
Frank Solich passed out behind the wheel going the wrong way on a one-way street
vs. Eastern Michigan - the eagles might be the worst college football team in the history of the known universe. no, they definitely are. instead of wasting time talking about how bad the buckeyes are going to slaughter those poor green-clad bastards, lets stop for a minute and think about how talented of a singer katy perry is.
Ohio State leads the all-time series 0-0. This is not a misprint.
Prediction:
Ohio State 1,000
Katy Perry: talented singer
at Illinois - the fighting ron zooks come into columbus to kick off the last season of non-divisional big ten football. while some might argue that season two of "temptation island" was the most disappointing thing that has ever happened in america, others choose to go with every season of fighting illini football after the rose bowl meltdown of 2007. the zooker will be coaching for his job this year, and he will fail. hard.
Ohio State leads the all-time series 62-30-3
Prediction:
Ohio State 38
Illinois 16
vs. Indiana - yep, indiana plays football.
Ohio State leads the all-time series 66-9-4
Prediction:
Ohio State 35
Indiana 7
at Wisconsin - this is the game that worries me the most. last season the buckeyes used two INT returns for touchdowns, and a ray small kickoff return for a touchdown to beat a wisconsin team that BADLY out gained them, 31-13. this year, the big tens best offense returns ten of eleven starters, and gets the bucks at home. you can say that causing turnovers and winning the special teams battle is something that jim tressel teams do week in and week out, year after year, but i said after the game last year that i thought wisky had our number the next time we played. its tough to go undefeated.
Ohio State leads the all-time series 53-17-5
Prediction:
Wisconsin 21
Ohio State 17
vs. Purdue - you dont need me to remind you of last years game in west lafayette, but im going to do it anyway. terrelle pryors two interceptions and two fumbles culminated in a 26-18 loss, and caused backup QB joe bauserman to immediately become the most popular man in columbus. statements such as "you cant coach stupid" and "this is the worst day of my life" flowed freely from my lips, before the sweet, sweet taste of cider beer forced me into a long autumn sleep. danny hope is a punk bitch.
Ohio State leads the all-time series 37-13-2
Prediction:
Ohio State 38
Purdue 17
at Minnesota - hey look! its the worst team in the big ten! but they have a new stadium! minnesota return only two starters on defense (and im almost positive one is injured and the other got arrested) and they lose eric decker. bad things shaping up for tim brewster, who is a legitimately awful human being. but, hey, OMGNEWSTADIUM!!11!1!
Ohio State leads the all-time series 42-7
Prediction:
Ohio State 34
Minnesota 0
vs. Penn State - the nittany lions come back into columbus looking to avenge the beating the buckeyes put down on them in happy valley last season. joe paterno looks for the rare double play of adding another victory into his impressive all-time win column, while at the same time NOT adding a hot load of diarrhea into his underpants. both are extremely unlikely.
Ohio State leads the all-time series 13-11
Prediction:
Ohio State 27
Penn State 12
at Iowa - ahh yes, the iowa game. the rematch of the defacto big ten title game from a season ago, and how sweet it was. i think im one of the only buckeye fans in the great state of ohio who really isnt all that worried about this game. go ahead and take a guess on how many times the hawkeyes have beaten the buckeyes since 1962. hmmm, lets see. a good program, solid coach, a history of some really good players. so, in 48 years, you have to figure they have won at least 15 times, right? maybe even 20. that seems logical, right? wrong. four times. FOUR TIMES. iowa has beaten ohio state FOUR TIMES since 1962, and two of those wins were during the huge embarrassment failure seasons of 1991 and 2004. four wins in forty-eight years! so pardon me if im not shaking in my boots over a top ten hawkeye team, even if the bucks have to go on the road. scoreboard.
Ohio State leads the all-time series 45-14-3
Prediction:
Ohio State 20
Iowa 13
vs. Michigan - the skunk weasels should be better this year, but as we know from math (science term) anything multiplied by zero equals zero - which is exactly how many bowl games michigan has been to in the past two seasons. throw in an impressive THREE conference wins during the dick rod era, and the maize and blew are poised for success in 2010. ive been hearing a lot ego stroking thrown the way of denard robinson this offseason, but what else are you going to do in michigan when football isnt being played? invest in the local economy? right.
Michigan leads the all-time series 57-43-6, with 19 of those wins coming from 1897-1927. In that same time period, Ohio State won only three times and tied twice. Since the advent of modern football in 1950, Ohio State leads the series 31-27-2, and that includes John Cooper's 2-10-1 record from 1988-2000. In other words, if it weren't for leather football helmets and John Cooper, Ohio State owns the rivalry. Have fun with your wins from the 1800's, Skunk Weasel fans.
Prediction:
Ohio State 28
Michigan 12
BOWL GAME
based on my completely factual predictions that will, without question, come to pass, the buckeyes are looking at a record of 11-1, with a 7-1 mark in the conference. with the parity of college football this season, im going to go ahead and say we play in the national championship game against oklahoma. which we will win 24-19.
you heard it here first.
go bucks. michigan sucks. help is on the way.
