Let's Talk Big Ten Football...

we are really dealing with a freaking snoozer of a weekend in the big ten. yeah, there are some interesting games, iowa at arizona, wisky hosting arizona state, minnesota welcoming in southern cal, and notre dame at michigan state at night.

woo freaking hoo.

Big Ten Power Rankings
Week Three
September 17th, 2010

1. Ohio State - dont be fooled, the buckeyes demolished the hurricanes. i know youve been hearing it a lot, but im seriously guys - the only reason miami was in that game at all was because of special teams. both letting them return kicks for scores and the fact that we had to kick FIVE field goals - hell, six if you count the one barclay missed. take a couple of those FGs and make them TDs, take away the return game errors, and the buckeyes could have won this game by eighty. i dont think ive ever been this high on a buckeye team, ever. they are the real deal, and that defense is going to kill your father in his sleep.

2. Iowa - im also high on iowa. they dont look like they are effing around this season for cereal. they absolutely destroyed their big time, major conference, in-state rival - and it wasnt even close. you heard miami talking about swaggar last week. iowas got swaggar. take it to the bank.

3. Wisconsin - power, power, power. wiskys not always going to look like a world-beater, but they just might be in the thick of the national title hunt come seasons end. teams with power arent likely to blow you out of the water, but theyll gring you down into a pulp and win it in the fourth quarter. john clay. beast child.

4. Michigan State - a little less crazy about sparty than i was this time a week ago. yeah, they can run the ball, but the jury is still out on the defense. going to be real interesting to see how they handle the passing attack of notre dame this weekend. this is a big time opportunity for the spartans to let everyone know they are for real. screw the domers. sparty on wayne, sparty on garth.

4. Penn State - im not giving penn state a pass because they lost to the number one team in america on the road. they looked like crap, evan royster hasnt done anything, and all they have proven is that they cant beat a team that doesnt suck. playing kent state this weekend will help (a lot), but im still not sold on anything they have done. done. on to the next one.

4. Michigan - gag me with a spoon. you beat a below average uconn team and an average notre dame team. you have umass followed by bowling green followed by indiana the next three weeks. conclusion? we wont know dick about michigan until they play someone who has a pulse. and its completely realistic that they lose to michigan state, iowa, penn state, wisconsin, and ohio state. i mean, this could legitimately be a five-loss squad at the end of the year. and please shut up about denard robinson - again, i love black people names more than you could ever understand. someday a good defense is going to find out that michigan has two plays - designed denard scramble and pass play that probably turns into denard scramble. get this guy in conference play against the big boy defenses, and i promise you he wont make it to the end of the season with this current gameplan in effect. someone is going to hit him until his head falls off. i repeat - beat someone with a pulse. please. i guess first you have to schedule someone with a pulse, dont you? if you cant tell, i hate the university of michigan. need i remind everyone that michigan had one (ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!) conference win last season?

7. Northwestern - barely beat vandy, beat illinois state, play at rice, home against central michigan. we know nothing about northwestern, and probably wont until week three of the big ten schedule when they play sparty. NERDS!

8. Purdue - aside from notre dame (who are NOT good), purdue has western illinois, ball state, and toledo on their OOC schedule. seriously. im in a terrible mood today, im lashing out at people, and im sick of writing about teams that dont play anybody. purdue sucks. but they suck less than indiana, illinois, and minnesota. we think. maybe.

9. Indiana - towson! western kentucky! akron! arkansas state! big ten network! indiana football 2010!

9. Illinois - at least i really like their uniforms.

11. Minnesota - south dakota. you lost to SOUTH DAKOTA. they are barely a real state. BARELY. south. freaking. dakota.

QUICK HITS

* ohio states game against eastern michigan next weekend is officially a 3:30pm kickoff on ABC. the tailgate will be fired up and rolling at full-force, complete with high-def TV so you may enjoy the game while drinking your own beer and eating your own food right there in the grass, in your red collapsible chair you bought for nine bucks at walmart. wagg will say he's coming, but he won't.

* there is a tree outside our office, and i noticed today that it was starting to get some red leaves. at first i thought, hey, that tree is sick. then i remembered, oh yeah, autumn.

* really, i dont know why i get so much pleasure watching minnesota lose. its probably because of tim brewster and what a douchebag he is. i dont know. i mean, the last time the gophers beat us was 2000. and before that, 1981. and before that, 1966. yet somehow i hate them. doesnt make sense.

* did i mention how tired i am of hearing about denard robinson? i really, really, really want to see michigan state lay the smack down on the skunk-weasels. really a lot.

* thanks to everyone for coming to the week one tailgate party extravaganza. i have to think we had somewhere around 60 people total show up, and from what i remember, it was a great time all around. while it kinda sucks that the game starts at noon this week, we will be there before 6am yet again to set up columbus' best party where you are almost assured of seeing a girl pee behind a tree. classy.

Tips for a New Relationship...

ahhhh, young love. be you a thirteen year old middle schooler kissing your first girl, or a pathetic forty-five year old single loser scanning the pages of match.com for the millionth time during a weekend of futile man-searching, the great thing about a new relationship is the newness itself.

newness, of course, not to be confused with pooness - which is a most hilarious alternative word for "penis" my brother peter coined during our childhood. also, my brother will got ahold of my grandmothers cell phone one time and screwed around with the settings so that the phone said "who farted?" every time she turned it on. you see, she hates the word "fart" more than anything in the world, and even thinking of that cell phone right now makes me laugh so hard that i almost just went pooness in my pantalones.

close call.

back on point - while new relationships can be wonderful and exciting, its just as important to know what NOT to do as it is to know what to do. its like he-man said in the 80s...

now you know! and knowing is fifty percent of the fight! or something. how gay do i look in these super tight penis-smashing tights and knee-high boots?

really, really gay.

TIPS FOR A NEW RELATIONSHIP

* its important to form a solid bond which you can lean on in the future when times may or may not get tough. this bond will create a powerful foundation that will stand strong against whatever outside force you may encounter as a couple further on down the road, which is exactly why you shouldnt tell her about your extremely serious case of genital herpes. she will figure it out eventually. its important to have something in common. shes gonna need your expertise during that first flare-up. she is really lucky to have you.

* women need to know that you think they are attractive, pretty much every single day and all day long. a good thing to say is something like "ive heard people say that if you want to know what a woman will look like when she grows up, just look at her mother, and man i hope that is true because i would totally nail your mom like right here and right now totally sober and everything."

* if you are really lucky, you are going to have a few friends that love you so much they will try really hard to say completely inappropriate things in front of your new girlfriend - not to sabotage you, but to see if she has what it takes to be in a relationship with you. there are a few good places to do this - like in a car on the way to a volleyball tournament at put-in-bay, where two of your really good friends can bring up the subject of not just one, but TWO of your ex's within five minutes of being in the car with her. or, say, at a bar after a tailgate, which is the perfect place to get really drunk and talk in great detail to her about the person you were involved with directly before her. or, like, i dont know, at traditions on kenny road, which is a great place to spew lies directly in her face about how you are too good for her, or that youll be done with her in a matter of weeks, or that one of your life-long best friends is secretly in love with you and she should be careful when that friend is around. no, but none of those things would ever happen in real life. right?

* try not to get too close too soon. getting to know each other is what marriage is for! its important to sleep together - and often. when she tries to tell you about her life, her hopes, her dreams, why not take that opportunity to get really good at tiger woods pga tour golf 2010 on your nintendo wii? emotions are for fags.

* getting over your ex-husband is hard work, and no one expects you to do so overnight. your new boyfriend understands this, and is likely willing to help you through this difficult period of your life. and, i mean, the worst thing he can do is say no. to the threesome. with your ex-husband. you dirty girl.

* be clear about your expectations, and be honest with where you want the relationship to go. as we know, honesty is always the best policy, and your new boyfriend needs to know that if you arent down with doing a big pile of blow and watching jersey shore, this probably isnt going to work out in the long term.

* a new girlfriend is just like a new puppy, in that sometimes you are going to need to smack her a little bit and rub her face in what she did wrong. that was the worst tuna casserole i have ever had, and you completely embarrassed me in front of my friends. and stay out of the catbox. stay out of the catbox.

* ignore your instincts. dont listen to your gut. these are the things that made you the single thirty-eight year old mother of three you are today. and he only hits the kids when he had a bad day at work. he has a stressful job.

* keep your drama to yourself. no new girlfriend is going to want to hear you ramble on and on, time after time, hour after hour about how you spent fifteen years in prison for the brutal murder of your last girlfriend. talking about yourself too much is very selfish.

* sharing is caring! dont be stingy about sharing your life with your new partner. and, in turn, dont be afraid to take what you want. like the last soda in the fridge. or her credit cards. which you can use to buy new sodas. and a new fridge. and crystal meth.

Tips for a Solid Tailgate...

as the hours until saturdays kickoff against miami (FL) fade away into nothingness, you are no doubt planning on joining us down in the shadow of the horseshoe for yet another season of tailgating perfection. while this is no doubt not your first rodeo, and the thought of someone giving you advice on how to properly get your swerve on gives you an angry tingle in your reproductive system, its important to get back in touch with your inner beer-swiller, and remember just what it takes to be the best pre-gamer you can be.

excelsior!

TIPS FOR A SOLID TAILGATE 2010

* always arrive early. the parking lots fill up quick on the campus of the university of ohio state (hello, terrelle pryor) and you wouldnt want to be "that guy" left driving around aimlessly looking for parking spots as the band enters the stadium. try to keep your cool when you pass a two foot distance between two cars and your girlfriend yells "oooh - theres a spot!" with the enthusiasm of a six year old who just saw the teenage mexican werewolf or the pale teenage vampire in real life. tell her that if she says one more thing, youll shoot her in the face with a harpoon gun. be aggressive.

* lets not kid ourselves - french is going to ask for your number. and hes not going to stop until he gets it. your best bet is to say something like "heres my number, but be careful of when you text or call me. my boyfriend jabrivius usually holds onto my phone, and he can be very jealous since he got out of prison. for murder."

* having children is an important part of any young couples life, but your newborn doesnt belong at a tailgate. as babysitters can be expensive, why not put your baby in its baby-holder (science term) and close it in a closet for the day. what, like its going to get up and walk away? its a baby. they dont even have the necessary verbal communication skills to call for help. solutions.

* your dog is welcome at our tailgate, but understand that i am definitely going to mount it and attempt to ride it like a horse. natural ice.

* you are going to be consuming some adult themed beverages, and theres just no getting around it. be responsible and have a hearty meal beforehand in order to provide your stomach with somewhat of a base layer before consumption. a heaping bowl of ice cream and a few quaaludes should do the trick.

* you and i both know that your ex-girlfriend is going to be there - she always is. a good way to avoid her is to funnel fourteen beers, crush a few hostess fruit pies, polish it off with some boones farm wine-flavored beverage, and pass out in the back of sam's truck. we salute you, peter sevendsen.

* lets be serious - you are probably going to get arrested. a good way to earn respect in the clink is to soil yourself as frequently as you can on the ride in. poopy underwear is like gold on the inside. when your cell mate asks you what you are in for, tell him "well, I lost my temper and i took a knife and i uhh - do you know those 'do not remove under the penalty of law' labels they put on mattresses? well i cut one of them off." i always thought that was the dumbest law.

* thanks for bringing your girlfriend in her super short jean skirt to the tailgate. really, we appreciate it. but always remember the rule by which most men choose to live their life - "it aint no fun if the homies cant have none". you get me?

* did kevin mchale have the longest arms in the history of the world, or just in the history of the NBA? or just in the history of the NBA in the 80s? while science continues to be unsure, there is one thing we can all agree on - pizza is delicious.

* even if you pour your beer into a red solo cup, its still completely legal for a police officer to get all up in your business and try to arrest you on an open container charge. before he has the chance to cuff you, take an aluminum softball bat and smash the closest person to you directly in the face. looks like that little red solo cup wasnt as big of a deal as he thought it was, huh?

Observations From Week One in College Football...

if youre like me (and chances are, you are) you spent a great majority of last weekend laying fireside with a trendy and in-shape young puerto rican piece of man-candy, drinking a hearty bottle of vino and recounting the ways in which you could spend countless hours losing yourself in his eyes.

but lets talk about college football instead.

Big Ten Power Rankings - Week Two

1) Ohio State - really, really hard to find anything wrong on the offensive or defensive sides of the ball for the buckeyes after throttling marshall in easy fashion on thursday night. pryor looked poised, saine looked as underrated as ever, stoneburner (now at TE) pulled in three balls, tyler moeller is officially locked in, b-rolle took a pick-6 to tha' house, and no points were given up by the defense. now, special teams - thats a different story all together. devin barclay makes me beyond nervous, and the kick coverage was piss poor. mark my words - our kicking game is going to bite us in the ass this season. we all better hope drew basils leg is as great as advertised, and ben buchanon can pin some dudes deep every now and then. barclay is living off of his game-winner in OT versus iowa last season, and its not going to last very much longer. i mean, dude, i dont care if it did go through the uprights - you got a PAT blocked. come on.

2) Wisconsin - sometimes it takes a power oriented team a couple quarters to assert their dominance against a lesser foe, and this is exactly what we saw out of wisky last week. they grinded it out against UNLV, and ended up winning by twenty. the gap between ohio state and wisconsin is not as huge as everyone seems to think.

2) Iowa - not really sure what to think about iowa after last week. yes, they beat eastern illinois easily - but thats what a big ten team should do against a crap opponent. iowa seems to like living on the edge, so it was nice to see them easily dispatch a team that had no business being on the same field with them. we will see what happens in the next couple of weeks against not-quite-as-crappy opponents in arizona and iowa state.

4) Michigan State - i know the win came against western michigan, but good lord - spartys got themselves a freaking running game. yes, i know, i buy into michigan state every year and usually end up disappointed. i dont care. i think this year will be different. the defense was solid, and it appears it wont just have to be the kirk cousins show this season, which is a major plus. sparty on wayne, sparty on garth.

5) Penn State - i watched some of the first half of penn states game against youngstown state, and was not very impressed. the new quarterback is a true freshman, and thats not good when you have to play in hostile environments where good decision-making is a must. and oh yeah, PSU travels to #1 alabama this weekend. which is fairly hostile.

6) Michigan - its time to put on your overreaction-hat, because michigan is again undefeated after one game! denard robinson doesnt tie his shoes! OMG dick rod finally has the right man to lead his offense! OMGBLARG! michigan is BACK! guzzle guzzle guzzle the michigan kool aid everyone! look kids, i know - the skunk weasels beat down on mighty uconn last week, and their hot-shit-QB-of-the-moment looked pretty solid. but werent we all spewing this same crap last season when calista forcier was running wild all over the eastern michigans, notre dames, and indianas of the world? newsflash - they lost seven of their last eight and didnt make a bowl game. so excuse me if i havent lost control of my bowels all over my underpanties yet. beat michigan state, penn state, iowa, wisconsin, or - gasp - ohio state and then we will talk about michigan being "back". until then, sit back down in your chair and read up on all of your impressive big time victories against the buckeyes from the 1800s.

7) Northwestern - kudos to the nerds for going into an SEC stadium and picking up a win against a member of OMGTHEGREATESTCONFERENCEEVAR. yeah, it was against vandy (who suuuuuuuucks) but whatever. im not convinced their new quarterback isnt just mike kafka in another jersey number, as he was supremely efficient while dispatching of the commmadors. or whatever vandy is calling themselves this season. NERDS!!!!!!!

8) Purdue - not impressed with the fighting danny hopes, but not ready to write them off yet either. too many turnovers ended up costing them in the end against the irish, but still - they kept it close. and thats all i have to say about purdue.

9) Minnesota - congrats on coming from behind to beat middle tennessee state. the only reason you arent in the basement is because illinois and indiana suuuuuuuck. OMGNEWSTADIUM!!!!!

10) Illinois - another game, another loss. same soup, reheated. illinois is bad.

11) Indiana - usually you wont find a team who posted a 51-17 victory in the basement of anyones power rankings, but its freaking indiana. and it was freaking towson. big deal. not saying the hooisers will end up here, but if you are indiana and we are talking football, you start in at the bottom. nowhere to go but up.

More Baseless Accusations...

* i hope everyone watched the mighty florida gators barely escape against the powerhouse redhawks of miami on saturday, and i hope you all enjoyed it half as much as i did. how many yards of offense did they have going into the fourth quarter? twelve? no, seriously - it couldnt have been more than forty. classic SEC speed advantage right there. douchebags.

* the hurricanes looked solid in their game against the florida a&m snakes (snakes, right?) and jacory (i love black people names) harris throws a good ball. his weakness has always been poor decision making in big games, which you can force him into by bringing pressure. which ohio state loves to do. i want to see brian rolle hit him in the mouth. with a harpoon gun.

* usc has no defense. love it.

* how are people surprised that boise state beat virginia tech? this is what happens EVERY YEAR. va tech schedules a big game early in the year, gets overrated in the preseason polls, and promptly craps the bed. its like clockwork. that win had WAY more to do with va tech being inept than the broncos being a national title threat, and youll never convince me otherwise.

* texas was losing to rice after the first quarter, and oklahoma only beat utah state by seven. looks like the big twelve just might destroy itself without the help of the conference commissioners.

* the only way north carolina will ever be good at football is to hire a head coach who cheats to win. and they have that man in butch davis. no bitching allowed from tarheel fans who dont like it. you want a winner, this is the route you have to take. the end.

* i simply LOVED watching ole miss lose to division twelve jacksonville state on saturday afternoon. look daddy! teacher says, every time an SEC team loses, and angel gets his wings.

thats right! THATS RIGHT!!!!!!