Black Dudes > White Nerds...

recently here in the office, we've been listening to an ultra-sweet contemporary music internet radio station, and here is what i have learned thus far. adele is so hot right now, and is shockingly a white person.

i remember when i first heard adele, when she was doing that one song with kanye west where she sings about traveling to america and he talks over music about how he is equally as f*#king sweet even when in great britain and wearing a pea coat. i thought to myself, "this adele girl is fairly awesome, assuming of course that she is a hip black chick and not some stupid white nerd". it was a more innocent time in my life.

now that we know that everything adele says is out of touch with the streets and therefore irrelevant, i think its time to reexamine our artists on a broader scale, just to make sure that everything is on the up and up and none of them are white people.

MAKING SURE THAT ALL THE PEOPLE I ENJOY PAYING ATTENTION TO ARE BLACK PEOPLE, JUST AS GOD INTENDED IT


aretha franklin
confirmed african-american
without question the greatest singer in the history of pop music, aretha franklin was born in memphis and was moved by her family to detroit at an early age. i was going to voyage into an in-depth internet search to make sure she wasnt some white goober, but then i realized that white people wisely havent been allowed in detroit in roughly 84 years.

fred durst
confirmed white nerd
fred durst found mainstream success in the late 1990s with a rouge group of talent-less buttholes calling themselves "limp biscuit", which was equally as offensive to the senses as it sounds. instead of being known for his accomplishments or musical proficiency, the Y2K mtv generation came to accurately know him as "that douchebag who wears a red hat."

michael dorn
confirmed african-american
everything michael dorn touches turns to gold plated gold. his first movie role was in a little motion picture called "rocky", which everyone knows would have sucked balls if not for michael dorn stealing the show as apollo creed's uncredited bodyguard. he spent the 80s starring as officer jebediah turner in CHIPs, which is a role that probably won him somewhere between 12 and 17 emmys. he then put the acting community on its ass when he starred as the badass klingon worf in star trek the next generation, star trek deep space nine, and various star trek major motion pictures. he was also in the films santa clause 2 and santa clause 3, which  earned over 900 million dollars at the box office combined. definitely not a white guy.

kim kardashian
50% white nerd, 0% african-american
ever since the dawn of kim kardashian's fame in 2008, people have been trying to figure out just what in the hell she is. recently science has confirmed that she is 50% white nerd, and 50% something called "armenian" which has yet to be confirmed as even being a real thing.

darius rucker
confirmed african-american
if it werent for darius rucker's hootie and the blowfish, it is likely that blues traveler would have swept the 1995 mtv music awards, which is something that would have obviously sent this nation into a tailspin from which we probably never would have recovered. run on sentences aside, darius is now a successful country music singer, which is something no black man had ever done before. or maybe someone had. science is presently unsure, as no one with an IQ above 6 listens to country music.

ben rothlisberger
 confirmed white nerd / white rapist
not many NFL quarterbacks have multiple sexual assaults to go along with their multiple super bowl rings. ben rothlisberger basically invented this exclusive club, so say what you will about him, but he's a trailblazer. in a rapey kind of way. white guys.

denzel washington
confirmed african-american
one of the few actors in hollywood who is on-par with michael dorn, denzel washington is the black equivalent of christopher walken, except he's not creepy looking and frail. aside from their unarguable level of dorky nerdiness, the worst thing about white people is how completely gross they look once they get old. black guys are like, "nah, i'll just shave my head and look awesome until i die." denzel is definitely not a white person, and is therefore awesome.

deathcab for cutie
confirmed as entirely white people
not only is each horrific member of deathcab for cutie a white person, but the only people on the planet who willingly listen to their verbal bloodvomit are the filthy disgusting hipster buttlickers you see bee-bopping around the gallery hop, farting into wine glasses and congratulating their friends on driving a prius. 99% of deathcab fans are allergic to a jimi hendrix guitar riff, a carter beauford drum fill, or a billy preston keyboard jaunt.

final score
awesome black people 4
white nerds 0