State of The Union...

my fellow americans,

as the last few days of 2011 pass quickly by, life is without question more complicated than ever.

gas prices are high. unemployment threatens the lives of millions of americans. the harsh winter temperatures threaten many families without a working furnace. adam levine and his unbearable high-pitched screechy muppet voice is featured in almost every top 40 hit on the radio.

people longingly look to their elected officials for answers, only to find in-fighting among republicans and democrats pushing our government into a painfully long era of puffy-chest filibustering and pissing contests. meanwhile in the real world, children go hungry, sick people dont get the help they need, and brady hoke can barely afford to maintain his strict 30,000 calorie per day diet that keeps him morbidly obese and sweaty.

americans eagerly anticipate the coming year, in hopes that 2012 will be the turning point in our fight to climb out of the recession caused by the collapse of the housing market in 2008. republican hopefuls for novembers presidential election try to separate themselves from their competition, as newt gingrich perfects his "im smarter than all of you" stink-face routine, mitt romney tries desperately to be less good-looking (not possible), and rick perry commits to hating homosexuals with the fire of a thousand suns so long as they continue to breathe his delicious christian-only oxygen. meanwhile, president obama continues to smoke cigarettes, play basketball, and ignore my pleas for a law requiring the spice girls to tour the metro-columbus area several times a year.

the sports world has faced a lockout in both the NFL and NBA, causing americans to be threatened with the prospect of watching hockey, which left everyone outside of michigan and minnesota scared and drunk on hooch. the country collectively breathed a sigh of relief when both leagues signed deals to avoid a major work stoppage which would have led to canada flexing their muscles as a real country, as opposed to a small group of lunatics in winter hats that have been screaming "MIKE MYERS WAS BORN HERE" since early 1992.

in october, an exotic animal collector in ohio let hundreds of deadly creatures loose and then committed suicide. sadly, much to the chagrin of people in columbus, the animals did not maim and savagely murder all of those embarrassing rednecks in zanesville. in fact, only the animals died - which would be fine if they were cows or pigs or some other animal that is okay to torture and then eat, but because they were things that someone might see in a zoo, white people everywhere were appalled.

and thats pretty much everything thats going on in the country, as far as i know.