Team Secret Falcon

Tips for a Solid Tailgate...

2010-09-09T07:57:00.003-04:00

as the hours until saturdays kickoff against miami (FL) fade away into nothingness, you are no doubt planning on joining us down in the shadow of the horseshoe for yet another season of tailgating perfection. while this is no doubt not your first rodeo, and the thought of someone giving you advice on how to properly get your swerve on gives you an angry tingle in your reproductive system, its important to get back in touch with your inner beer-swiller, and remember just what it takes to be the best pre-gamer you can be.

excelsior!

TIPS FOR A SOLID TAILGATE 2010

* always arrive early. the parking lots fill up quick on the campus of the university of ohio state (hello, terrelle pryor) and you wouldnt want to be "that guy" left driving around aimlessly looking for parking spots as the band enters the stadium. try to keep your cool when you pass a two foot distance between two cars and your girlfriend yells "oooh - theres a spot!" with the enthusiasm of a six year old who just saw the teenage mexican werewolf or the pale teenage vampire in real life. tell her that if she says one more thing, youll shoot her in the face with a harpoon gun. be aggressive.

* lets not kid ourselves - french is going to ask for your number. and hes not going to stop until he gets it. your best bet is to say something like "heres my number, but be careful of when you text or call me. my boyfriend jabrivius usually holds onto my phone, and he can be very jealous since he got out of prison. for murder."

* having children is an important part of any young couples life, but your newborn doesnt belong at a tailgate. as babysitters can be expensive, why not put your baby in its baby-holder (science term) and close it in a closet for the day. what, like its going to get up and walk away? its a baby. they dont even have the necessary verbal communication skills to call for help. solutions.

* your dog is welcome at our tailgate, but understand that i am definitely going to mount it and attempt to ride it like a horse. natural ice.

* you are going to be consuming some adult themed beverages, and theres just no getting around it. be responsible and have a hearty meal beforehand in order to provide your stomach with somewhat of a base layer before consumption. a heaping bowl of ice cream and a few quaaludes should do the trick.

* you and i both know that your ex-girlfriend is going to be there - she always is. a good way to avoid her is to funnel fourteen beers, crush a few hostess fruit pies, polish it off with some boones farm wine-flavored beverage, and pass out in the back of sam's truck. we salute you, peter sevendsen.

* lets be serious - you are probably going to get arrested. a good way to earn respect in the clink is to soil yourself as frequently as you can on the ride in. poopy underwear is like gold on the inside. when your cell mate asks you what you are in for, tell him "well, I lost my temper and i took a knife and i uhh - do you know those 'do not remove under the penalty of law' labels they put on mattresses? well i cut one of them off." i always thought that was the dumbest law.

* thanks for bringing your girlfriend in her super short jean skirt to the tailgate. really, we appreciate it. but always remember the rule by which most men choose to live their life - "it aint no fun if the homies cant have none". you get me?

* did kevin mchale have the longest arms in the history of the world, or just in the history of the NBA? or just in the history of the NBA in the 80s? while science continues to be unsure, there is one thing we can all agree on - pizza is delicious.

* even if you pour your beer into a red solo cup, its still completely legal for a police officer to get all up in your business and try to arrest you on an open container charge. before he has the chance to cuff you, take an aluminum softball bat and smash the closest person to you directly in the face. looks like that little red solo cup wasnt as big of a deal as he thought it was, huh?

Observations From Week One in College Football...

2010-09-08T08:27:00.003-04:00

if youre like me (and chances are, you are) you spent a great majority of last weekend laying fireside with a trendy and in-shape young puerto rican piece of man-candy, drinking a hearty bottle of vino and recounting the ways in which you could spend countless hours losing yourself in his eyes.

but lets talk about college football instead.

Big Ten Power Rankings - Week Two

1) Ohio State - really, really hard to find anything wrong on the offensive or defensive sides of the ball for the buckeyes after throttling marshall in easy fashion on thursday night. pryor looked poised, saine looked as underrated as ever, stoneburner (now at TE) pulled in three balls, tyler moeller is officially locked in, b-rolle took a pick-6 to tha' house, and no points were given up by the defense. now, special teams - thats a different story all together. devin barclay makes me beyond nervous, and the kick coverage was piss poor. mark my words - our kicking game is going to bite us in the ass this season. we all better hope drew basils leg is as great as advertised, and ben buchanon can pin some dudes deep every now and then. barclay is living off of his game-winner in OT versus iowa last season, and its not going to last very much longer. i mean, dude, i dont care if it did go through the uprights - you got a PAT blocked. come on.

2) Wisconsin - sometimes it takes a power oriented team a couple quarters to assert their dominance against a lesser foe, and this is exactly what we saw out of wisky last week. they grinded it out against UNLV, and ended up winning by twenty. the gap between ohio state and wisconsin is not as huge as everyone seems to think.

2) Iowa - not really sure what to think about iowa after last week. yes, they beat eastern illinois easily - but thats what a big ten team should do against a crap opponent. iowa seems to like living on the edge, so it was nice to see them easily dispatch a team that had no business being on the same field with them. we will see what happens in the next couple of weeks against not-quite-as-crappy opponents in arizona and iowa state.

4) Michigan State - i know the win came against western michigan, but good lord - spartys got themselves a freaking running game. yes, i know, i buy into michigan state every year and usually end up disappointed. i dont care. i think this year will be different. the defense was solid, and it appears it wont just have to be the kirk cousins show this season, which is a major plus. sparty on wayne, sparty on garth.

5) Penn State - i watched some of the first half of penn states game against youngstown state, and was not very impressed. the new quarterback is a true freshman, and thats not good when you have to play in hostile environments where good decision-making is a must. and oh yeah, PSU travels to #1 alabama this weekend. which is fairly hostile.

6) Michigan - its time to put on your overreaction-hat, because michigan is again undefeated after one game! denard robinson doesnt tie his shoes! OMG dick rod finally has the right man to lead his offense! OMGBLARG! michigan is BACK! guzzle guzzle guzzle the michigan kool aid everyone! look kids, i know - the skunk weasels beat down on mighty uconn last week, and their hot-shit-QB-of-the-moment looked pretty solid. but werent we all spewing this same crap last season when calista forcier was running wild all over the eastern michigans, notre dames, and indianas of the world? newsflash - they lost seven of their last eight and didnt make a bowl game. so excuse me if i havent lost control of my bowels all over my underpanties yet. beat michigan state, penn state, iowa, wisconsin, or - gasp - ohio state and then we will talk about michigan being "back". until then, sit back down in your chair and read up on all of your impressive big time victories against the buckeyes from the 1800s.

7) Northwestern - kudos to the nerds for going into an SEC stadium and picking up a win against a member of OMGTHEGREATESTCONFERENCEEVAR. yeah, it was against vandy (who suuuuuuuucks) but whatever. im not convinced their new quarterback isnt just mike kafka in another jersey number, as he was supremely efficient while dispatching of the commmadors. or whatever vandy is calling themselves this season. NERDS!!!!!!!

8) Purdue - not impressed with the fighting danny hopes, but not ready to write them off yet either. too many turnovers ended up costing them in the end against the irish, but still - they kept it close. and thats all i have to say about purdue.

9) Minnesota - congrats on coming from behind to beat middle tennessee state. the only reason you arent in the basement is because illinois and indiana suuuuuuuck. OMGNEWSTADIUM!!!!!

10) Illinois - another game, another loss. same soup, reheated. illinois is bad.

11) Indiana - usually you wont find a team who posted a 51-17 victory in the basement of anyones power rankings, but its freaking indiana. and it was freaking towson. big deal. not saying the hooisers will end up here, but if you are indiana and we are talking football, you start in at the bottom. nowhere to go but up.

More Baseless Accusations...

* i hope everyone watched the mighty florida gators barely escape against the powerhouse redhawks of miami on saturday, and i hope you all enjoyed it half as much as i did. how many yards of offense did they have going into the fourth quarter? twelve? no, seriously - it couldnt have been more than forty. classic SEC speed advantage right there. douchebags.

* the hurricanes looked solid in their game against the florida a&m snakes (snakes, right?) and jacory (i love black people names) harris throws a good ball. his weakness has always been poor decision making in big games, which you can force him into by bringing pressure. which ohio state loves to do. i want to see brian rolle hit him in the mouth. with a harpoon gun.

* usc has no defense. love it.

* how are people surprised that boise state beat virginia tech? this is what happens EVERY YEAR. va tech schedules a big game early in the year, gets overrated in the preseason polls, and promptly craps the bed. its like clockwork. that win had WAY more to do with va tech being inept than the broncos being a national title threat, and youll never convince me otherwise.

* texas was losing to rice after the first quarter, and oklahoma only beat utah state by seven. looks like the big twelve just might destroy itself without the help of the conference commissioners.

* the only way north carolina will ever be good at football is to hire a head coach who cheats to win. and they have that man in butch davis. no bitching allowed from tarheel fans who dont like it. you want a winner, this is the route you have to take. the end.

* i simply LOVED watching ole miss lose to division twelve jacksonville state on saturday afternoon. look daddy! teacher says, every time an SEC team loses, and angel gets his wings.

thats right! THATS RIGHT!!!!!!

Ohio State Football Preview 2010...

2010-08-31T07:52:00.004-04:00

if theres one thing we know about life, its that frequently, if not most of the time, if not almost always, if not frequently, you die at the end. when you die, science has proven that you go to heaven, where there is a plentiful amount of baked goods and full-flavored soda that has the caloric content of their diet soda counterparts here on earth. which is good, because you wont have to sit at your desk all day pretending that you like cherry coke zero as much as you like regular cherry coke, you dirty lying filthy communist.

sadly, most of us are in our twenties and are at least three years away from dying, which is killing me right now because if i dont get a hostess fruit pie and a mountain dew in the next twelve to fifteen seconds, im going to start killing the hostages.

while you are stuck here on earth away from the heavenly goodness of your eventual sugar-coma, its probably a good idea to spend as much time as possible devoting your life to the closest thing to heaven we have here on earth.

ohio state football.

OHIO STATE FOOTBALL PREVIEW 2010

vs. Marshall - the thundering herd come into the horseshoe on thursday night, marking the first time the season has started on a week day since the buckeyes beat wyoming 24-10 in 1997. since the entire coaching staff, offense, and defense has been overhauled since marshall last played a football game, scouting is semi irrelevant. instead, lets think for a minute about how great of a musician katy perry is.

Ohio State leads the all-time series 1-0

Prediction:
Ohio State 30
Marshall 10

vs. Miami (FL) - the last time we saw cryami, they were ankle-deep in their own tears after a COMPLETELY CORRECT pass interference call led to the buckeyes winning the 2002 national championship. the canes started hot out of the gates last season, before losing a couple conference games, and ultimately falling short against wisconsin in the champs sports bowl. the skill position players are there, but the offensive line in particular is young, weak, and should absolutely be destroyed by a talented collection of buckeye d-lineman with bad attitudes. and you dont need me to tell you that the team who wins in the trenches, usually wins on the scoreboard.

Ohio State leads the all-time series 2-1

Prediction:
Ohio State 27
Miami 17

vs. Ohio - hey remember last time we played OU and we were actually losing to that pathetic roster of nerds and ginger kids in the fourth quarter? you know i have nothing but love for both athens and the bobcats, but come on buckeyes. ohio state should be able to beat OU while they are asleep and recently have had their arms replaced with the long stretched out microphone cord from "my first sony". boo "radley" jackson returns as the bobcat playcaller, and frank solich is AT THIS MOMENT working hard on a game plan to stop terrelle pryor. at least he will be once he wakes up in the athens county jail, wipes the crusted vomit from the corners of his mouth, and gets into the office. i like to think this happens every morning.

Ohio State leads the all-time series 2-0

Prediction:
Ohio State 100
Frank Solich passed out behind the wheel going the wrong way on a one-way street

vs. Eastern Michigan - the eagles might be the worst college football team in the history of the known universe. no, they definitely are. instead of wasting time talking about how bad the buckeyes are going to slaughter those poor green-clad bastards, lets stop for a minute and think about how talented of a singer katy perry is.

Ohio State leads the all-time series 0-0. This is not a misprint.

Prediction:
Ohio State 1,000
Katy Perry: talented singer

at Illinois - the fighting ron zooks come into columbus to kick off the last season of non-divisional big ten football. while some might argue that season two of "temptation island" was the most disappointing thing that has ever happened in america, others choose to go with every season of fighting illini football after the rose bowl meltdown of 2007. the zooker will be coaching for his job this year, and he will fail. hard.

Ohio State leads the all-time series 62-30-3

Prediction:
Ohio State 38
Illinois 16

vs. Indiana - yep, indiana plays football.

Ohio State leads the all-time series 66-9-4

Prediction:
Ohio State 35
Indiana 7

at Wisconsin - this is the game that worries me the most. last season the buckeyes used two INT returns for touchdowns, and a ray small kickoff return for a touchdown to beat a wisconsin team that BADLY out gained them, 31-13. this year, the big tens best offense returns ten of eleven starters, and gets the bucks at home. you can say that causing turnovers and winning the special teams battle is something that jim tressel teams do week in and week out, year after year, but i said after the game last year that i thought wisky had our number the next time we played. its tough to go undefeated.

Ohio State leads the all-time series 53-17-5

Prediction:
Wisconsin 21
Ohio State 17

vs. Purdue - you dont need me to remind you of last years game in west lafayette, but im going to do it anyway. terrelle pryors two interceptions and two fumbles culminated in a 26-18 loss, and caused backup QB joe bauserman to immediately become the most popular man in columbus. statements such as "you cant coach stupid" and "this is the worst day of my life" flowed freely from my lips, before the sweet, sweet taste of cider beer forced me into a long autumn sleep. danny hope is a punk bitch.

Ohio State leads the all-time series 37-13-2

Prediction:
Ohio State 38
Purdue 17

at Minnesota - hey look! its the worst team in the big ten! but they have a new stadium! minnesota return only two starters on defense (and im almost positive one is injured and the other got arrested) and they lose eric decker. bad things shaping up for tim brewster, who is a legitimately awful human being. but, hey, OMGNEWSTADIUM!!11!1!

Ohio State leads the all-time series 42-7

Prediction:
Ohio State 34
Minnesota 0

vs. Penn State - the nittany lions come back into columbus looking to avenge the beating the buckeyes put down on them in happy valley last season. joe paterno looks for the rare double play of adding another victory into his impressive all-time win column, while at the same time NOT adding a hot load of diarrhea into his underpants. both are extremely unlikely.

Ohio State leads the all-time series 13-11

Prediction:
Ohio State 27
Penn State 12

at Iowa - ahh yes, the iowa game. the rematch of the defacto big ten title game from a season ago, and how sweet it was. i think im one of the only buckeye fans in the great state of ohio who really isnt all that worried about this game. go ahead and take a guess on how many times the hawkeyes have beaten the buckeyes since 1962. hmmm, lets see. a good program, solid coach, a history of some really good players. so, in 48 years, you have to figure they have won at least 15 times, right? maybe even 20. that seems logical, right? wrong. four times. FOUR TIMES. iowa has beaten ohio state FOUR TIMES since 1962, and two of those wins were during the huge embarrassment failure seasons of 1991 and 2004. four wins in forty-eight years! so pardon me if im not shaking in my boots over a top ten hawkeye team, even if the bucks have to go on the road. scoreboard.

Ohio State leads the all-time series 45-14-3

Prediction:
Ohio State 20
Iowa 13

vs. Michigan - the skunk weasels should be better this year, but as we know from math (science term) anything multiplied by zero equals zero - which is exactly how many bowl games michigan has been to in the past two seasons. throw in an impressive THREE conference wins during the dick rod era, and the maize and blew are poised for success in 2010. ive been hearing a lot ego stroking thrown the way of denard robinson this offseason, but what else are you going to do in michigan when football isnt being played? invest in the local economy? right.

Michigan leads the all-time series 57-43-6, with 19 of those wins coming from 1897-1927. In that same time period, Ohio State won only three times and tied twice. Since the advent of modern football in 1950, Ohio State leads the series 31-27-2, and that includes John Cooper's 2-10-1 record from 1988-2000. In other words, if it weren't for leather football helmets and John Cooper, Ohio State owns the rivalry. Have fun with your wins from the 1800's, Skunk Weasel fans.

Prediction:
Ohio State 28
Michigan 12

BOWL GAME

based on my completely factual predictions that will, without question, come to pass, the buckeyes are looking at a record of 11-1, with a 7-1 mark in the conference. with the parity of college football this season, im going to go ahead and say we play in the national championship game against oklahoma. which we will win 24-19.

you heard it here first.

go bucks. michigan sucks. help is on the way.

Storms and Natural Disasters...

2010-08-04T14:26:00.004-04:00

as i stare out at the storm clouds rolling directly at my face during my lunch hour, i cant help but be reminded of the natural disaster survival course i took in middle school.

chances are i am better at you when it comes to not dying as a result of wind storms or really hot afternoons. allow me to change that. come with me on a journey, as i educate your brains on what to do in case of a geo emergency...

TIPS FOR SURVIVING A NATURAL DISASTER OR RAIN STORM

* the best place to be during a lightning storm is as far away from long metal objects as possible. in order to ensure your survival, when the storm is at its peak, slowly carry all of your golf clubs into the middle of an open field so you draw the "electric energy" (science term) to the pile of clubs you have created. after you have carried them, one by one, slowly, with them raised into the air into the middle of the "death field" (science term), find a nearby tree to sit under to watch the magic of nature. you wont want to miss this.

* in case of a world-wide drought, you are going to want to think about water conservation. a good thing to think about is, i dont know, maybe you drink all of your water reserves as quickly as possible and save your urine in old shopping bags? if you ever get really thirsty (because all of your water is gone) you could always drink your carefully stored weenus. knowledge is power.

* wild fires are a serious threat to many things, including cows, trucks, your front law, and easter baskets. in order to protect your personal belongings from an oncoming wild fire, its a good idea to burn the trees and grasses that surround your house. you should see the look on that wildfires face when it realizes it cant get to your wife because everything around her (including her) is burned to death. thatll teach those dirty mexican wildfires to steal our jobs.

* since 1998, the columbus school of art and design estimates that snow storms have savagely murdered somewhere between one and two-hundred thousand people in reynoldsburg alone. knowing your enemy is ninety percent of guaranteeing at least a fifty percent chance of two-thirds of your children not dying from some rouge winter storm with a penchant for drinking the sweet, sweet blood nectar of the innocent american virgin child. you know what snow storms hate? fire. burn down your house.

* it has been said that animals can sense sever oncoming weather. set your dog on fire.

* flash floods are a serious concern in todays american economic climate. once your house has been flooded to death, and you have finished looting your local convenience store (im looking at you, new orleans), chances are good that you will be spending a lot of time outside in the hot, hot sun (im looking at you, OMC). if you come across other victims, and they have red or blonde hair and / or blue eyes, your best bet is to kill them with a knife as soon as possible. people with light complexions dont have souls, and will likely try to make you watch twilight movies or something. who knows what they are capable of.

* i met this guy in st petersburg one time and he was a total dickface. i hate that guy. burn his face off with acid!

* if you are standing in your neighborhood while playing your flute, and you see a cyclone coming directly at you at high speeds, dont worry. thats just the warp tornado and its coming to take you to (hopefully) level eight.

The Writing Process...

2010-07-29T08:47:00.005-04:00

for those of you who arent world famous published authors like yours truly, and dont have over twenty retro throw-back t-shirts from your local hispter t-shirt business in your closet, and dont have thousands of people throwing delicious crystal meth in your direction every day, and dont have many, many super-cool black friends (the kind that DONT wear basketball jerseys in every day social situations), and havent voted for OMGBARACK!!!1!!1! at least once in your life, well, you probably have no idea how difficult it is to spend most of your life ass-deep in some step of the writing process. and how good it feels to not write anything for an extended period of time. to just veg out. watch some tube. explore your body. learn things about yourself.

such is my curse.

whoop dee do - but what does it all mean, basil? what does this nonsensical rambling have to do with you not blogging for the better part of this entire calendar year?

if you give me a minute, i'll tell you. sometimes you can be really impatient.

REASONS WHY I HAVENT BEEN BLOGGING AS MUCH AS I USED TO

* how about "none of your damn business" and i'll thank you to stay out of my personal life.

* i have been eating more poop and drinking more pee than ever before.

* my addiction to pale teenage vampires and broody young mexican werewolves has been at a fever pitch as of late. most of my days have been spent sewing "team edward" bibs for our eventual half vampire children. and cutting myself.

* lately ive been traveling around the country on a lecture circuit, informing people how ridiculous it is that we all cover our mouths when we yawn. i can toally see why we have to do so when we sneeze or cough - to avoid germs escaping into the wild and getting animals sick. i know. but yawning is just breathing. and you dont have to cover your mouth when you breathe. come on.

* have you ever noticed how most new york mets fans are of italian decent? i hate that about them.

* if there is one thing i am sure of, its that those gross flat strappy sandals that hip twenty-somethings are wearing right now are going to turn out to be the most horrific fashion disaster of this decade. by far. when is the last time you heard a guy say "yeah, shes hot, and i would totally bang her, but i wish she looked just a little more like alexander the great"? kill them with fire before its too late.

* ive been thinking a lot about my childhood recently, and ive come to the realization that i probably didnt makeout with winnie cooper from "the wonder years" enough. you know that hot piece was just waiting for me to make my move. my bad, girl.

* if you are ever on a greyhound bus traveling cross-country, and you start having a panic attack, its probably a good idea to shoot first and ask questions later.

* getting up enough courage to ask a woman on a date is something we all struggle with. if you are doubting yourself, just remember - women are just like men, only without the ability to form educated, rational, or meaningful thoughts or observations! good luck!

Unorganized Thoughts...

2010-07-08T13:07:00.003-04:00

* the recent heat wave in the midwest has caused many thousands of deaths, culminating in sixteen people dying from heat exposure this month, leaving them dead and really, really not alive. local health authorities are reminding everyone "that its freaking summertime" and to "stop being such giant pussies".

* tonight is decision time for lebron james. he either makes the wisest move a human being can possibly make in leaving cleveland as quickly as possible, or he stays home and gets to personally watch northeast ohio die a slow, painful, and very public death. no one is sure what he will choose, but i am sticking by my original call of him teaming up with katie smith and making the columbus quest the most dominant professional basketball team in the history of the batelle hall at the greater columbus convention center.

* if you are ever stranded in nature, i think its probably a really good idea to cut yourself (probably on the wrists or neck) and collect as much of your own blood into a jar as possible. you never know when you might get hurt and need that blood in the future.

* heres something i love. i love how everyone is completely outraged that there are fish and sea turtles and dolphins in the gulf dying from the oil spill (because that is tragic!) but no one has any feelings whatsoever towards the tens of thousands of animals we slaughter every single day in this country for mcnuggets and whoppers and junior bacon cheeseburgers. the lesson? killing a living creature is okay, so long as its on purpose.

* there comes a time in every mans life where he must make the decision between being faithful to his wife, or having meaningless, unprotected hot monkey relations with a strung-out, cross-dressing latino prostitute in the parking lot of a tj maxx at 3:30 in the morning. you know why hookers cost so much money? because theyre worth it.

* sure, you lost in the championship game of your soccer league for the second straight season. but ultimately, thats not really all that important. whats important is knowing that this family is a family of champions, and your mother and i will never really love you. and im not your real father.

Thoughts: Midnight Twilight Premier...

2010-06-30T09:56:00.004-04:00

let me start this blog entry by saying this - i had never seen a twilight movie until last night. i knew nothing of the characters or the story. and yes, i am a heterosexual. i think. but probably not.

TWILIGHT SAGA: ECLIPSE

*i think if i had to choose a side between "team fifteen year old pale vampire" and "team shirtless mexican werewolf", i would choose the vampire team because he would be less likely to eventually steal my landscaping jobs.

* the dublin AMC has eighteen theatres, and all eighteen were showing twilight at exactly 12am. you didnt even have to go to the theatre that was printed on your ticket. and i can totally get down on that type of freedom. USA! USA! USA!

* the girl who plays bella, who is the less slutty and more fugly version of sookie stackhouse, is completely wrong for her part. am i really to believe that the pale fifteen year old vampire and the shirtless mexican werewolf will fight to the death over some snatch who looks like the kid from terminator 2 with longer hair? i think not.

* i can say, without question, that i was the oldest person in the movie theatre last night. if i knew ahead of time it was going to be like that, i totally would have cleaned the blood off of my clown costume.

* i like how the dad vampire is mike dexter from "cant hardly wait". i kept expecting him to try to get back together with jennifer love hewitt.

* so let me get this straight - the vampires in twilight have romantic feelings, are huge pussies, can go out in the daytime with no trouble at all, dont attack and kill people, and you dont ever see their fangs? yeah, i liked that version of vampires better when they were called "normal people, including my dad, pharmacist, razor ramon, and every other human being ever born".

* the preview for the new harry potter movie almost got a standing ovation from the crowd. my concern - someday, someone will notice that harry potter has been fighting that same guy with no nose for roughly twelve movies, and the whole world will collapse in on itself. and not even obama can save us from that. but he probably will anwyay.

* i asked why the shirtless mexican werewolf never wore a shirt, and i was told that it was because when he shifted into a wolf, his shirt would rip off. yet somehow his shorts and shoes stayed on. because that makes sense.

* usually i really, really like awful, mindless entertainment. i mean, i watch the bachelor. and sex and the city. and ive seen at least five episodes of jersey shore. but twilight is different. its, like, vomit inducing. the acting is just so, so terrible. the story is insanely piss poor. the action was laughable, and the fighting scenes were so fast and blurry that you couldnt tell if you were watching hand to hand combat or scrambled cable porno from the early 1990s. the theatre smelled like failure mixed with facebook and proactiv, and the whole experience made me want to die.

all in all, a fun tuesday night / wednesday morning.

team shirtless mexican werewolf! woo!

Inspirational Poetry...

2010-06-14T14:30:00.006-04:00

when im not spending time harassing the elderly and burning down orphanages, i like to sit back in my throne made of baby panda pelts, smoke some crystal meth and write some inspirational poetry for the masses.

POETRY FOR YOUR LIVE(S)

Office Rambo
you sit at your desk
eating your nilla wafers
and drinking your diet coke
your cubicle walls seperate you from
the world
as outside your area
dangers await
you talk with carl
the nerdy IT guy
about how funny the a-team was
and how amanda in HR is a whore
wait
whats that sound
coming from the kitchen
sounds like
unavoidable pain
if you are hearing that sound
its too late
i have found you
you are already dead
signed,
office rambo

UFC 106
roses are red
violets are blue
i am a man from brazil
and i am here to sleep with your girlfriend

You Look Ridiculous
here is something i dont understand
about the world
why is it that 9 times out of 10
when you see a picture of a girl on facebook
she has one arm wrapped around another girl
and the other arm is perched on her hip
what is up with that?
why the perched arm?
is it because you think your arms are fat?
because they are

Impressions
when i am walking on the beach at sunset
and i see a trail of footprints
leading off into the horizon
i always wonder "where do they lead?"
and i think to myself
"i'll bet it was one of those queer guys
thinking about how to make my son a queer guy
and ruin our economy"
no way those devils are getting married on MY watch
USA USA USA USA USA

Paying it Forward
i think a nice thing to do
is to take a post-it note
and draw a smiley face on the front of it
then put it on your brothers dresser
so when he gets up in the morning
he'll be like "awwww!"
and then when you get his wife pregnant
and he chases you with a knife
and he is going to murder you
you can be like "remember the post-it note!"
and he'll be like "awwwww!"
and you can get an apartment together
and he will probably forget all about it

Rain Drops
umbrellas are a useful tool when its raining outside
because they are made of
wait
what in the hell are umbrellas made of?

Shut Up and Make Me a Sandwich
baby
you know im not one to play into antiquated
gender roles
and you know i respect you
as a human being
and you know i think the world of you
as a person
but
shut up and make me a sandwich
thanks
bitch

World Cup Preview...

2010-06-11T10:09:00.005-04:00

finally, the world cup is here. if this were international superstar soccer 98, and we were playing on the nintendo 64, we could just chalk this up as an eventual brazil domination and move on with our lives.

but it isnt. so we cant. and we wont.

here is everything you need to know about the major players in this years world cup...

COUNTRY TEAMS FOR SOCCER PLAYINGS

Brazil
the little canaries come into the competition as the most successful country in the history of the world cup. expect them to push the envelope on offense, drink copious amounts of heineken, watch UFC fights in the arena district, wear really REALLY tight embroidered t-shirts, and "crush" red bull anywhere from six to eleven times per night. not going to lie, one of them is probably going to rape your girlfriend.

England
the english have been hungry for another cup since their win in the 1966 final against west germany. the surprise of the tournament will be after their opening game loss to the US, when the americans dress up like indians and pour their entire reserve of gatorade into the atlantic ocean.

Germany
the obvious joke here would be something having to do with another team trying to "tear down that defensive wall", but theres nothing funny about getting a soccer ball to the genitals at 75 MPH.

South Africa
the host country is looking to make a serious run, and they believe they can make some waves in this tournament. but this is soccer, not barefoot distance running, so its probably not going to happen. racism.

United States
the americans come into the world cup with the expectation of winning games and moving on. their biggest weakness? local farmers markets and cool vintage clothing shops. and trying to take pictures with people of dark skin color so they can upload them onto facebook. the americans back home will be so jealous.

Mexico
the local south african government has been warned that its only a matter of time before these filthy mexican criminals stop kicking soccer balls and start stealing lawn-mowing jobs. USA! USA! USA!

Japan
the japanese team comes into this years competition looking to improve on their goal scoring and cut down on the amount of traffic accidents their team bus has been causing. since the 1994 cup, the accident total stands at twenty-seven, which is a most honorable number.

Canada
hahahahahahahahahahaha. yeah, right.

France
when i asked the media rep for the french national team to comment on their chances this year, he told me i was a "pussy american" who knew nothing about culture or the proper way to love a woman. but i was too busy taking a shower every day and practicing general body hygiene to be offended.

Your Weekly Horoscope...

2010-06-08T08:44:00.004-04:00

as you well know, every week here at team secret falcon i post your weekly horoscopes every week. it happens once a week, and thats why i call it my weekly horoscope. or your weekly horoscope. whatever it is, it happens once a week so we know that it has to be accurate.

HOROSCOPE

Aries
way to be such a stuck up ho-bag at put-in-bay this weekend, you stuck up ho-bag. those guys spent hundreds of dollars on you and your friends, and not a single one of you could even be bothered to go back to their seedy hotel room with them and let them drug you and take advantage of you. see? this is exactly why we, as americans, demand a more potent and effective date rape drug.

Taurus
you never listen, do you? how many times has someone told you not to eat from the seafood buffet at the strip club? and now you have diarrhea all over your inner thighs, and there is still an hour left in your quarterly sales meeting. your lucky numbers are 27 and 3.

Gemini
look, its nice that youve discovered bath and body works body spray, and congrats on the abercrombie sweater and new pair of doc martens, but 1997 called and it wants its fashion trends back, okay?

Pisces
oh look, you have a baby. thats great. and you want me to hold it........okay. thats a good baby you have there. oh, and you are telling me all about the things that it does at home. great. whats that? you need to tell me about the things you think it is thinking when it makes a certain face or produces a certain noise? ummm, okay. it looks like your sister when she was a baby? alright. i wont know what real love it until i have a child? thanks. thanks for making me feel like my life is a complete and total waste. why did you bring a baby to a wedding again? bitch.

Leo
the sun is in the third constellation of the celestial plain, and pluto will soon move into the third house of the cosmic rao. this is the universes way of telling you that your new bangs are not working out how you envisioned them. grow them out. like, now.

Virgo
i have checked the cards over and over again, and it unfortunately looks like you are going to be eaten by a dinosaur sometime within the next 4-5 days. sorry about your luck. i'll make sure to console your girlfriend, if you know what i mean. and i mean penetration.

Libra
there is no question your boss is going to come on to you in the copy room this week. let him. quit being such a wet blanket all the time.

Scorpio
bad news from your parents today - they have developed a serious gambling addiction and must move in with you as they have no place else to live. on top of it, your fathers hemorrhoids are worse than ever, and they require daily cleansing and applying of a medical cream, and your mothers arthritis prevents her from helping out. your hair stylist was murdered by a mountain lion, and the new person who cuts your hair will make you resemble the future evil biff tannen from back to the future part 2.

Sagittarius
life is taking a turn for the better, and its time to start paying it forward. invest in a local community garden. help out at a homeless shelter. donate to a worthwhile cause. finally tell your son that you arent his real father. buy a gun and kill the first person you see. use more racial slurs in public.

Capricorn
you best friend hates you, and your family secretly hopes you get transferred somewhere out west. your dog laying a fresh log on your pillow today is a good sign that you should probably kill youself, you pathetic loser.

Aquarius
you are right to think that selling drugs is a market that is really ready to take off. its like, yeah, people are always going to need to do drugs, right? i mean, its not that complicated. go with your gut. there is money to be made here.

Cancer
its not your fault that you have been extra moody and unreliable since switching from the pill to the nuva ring - thats a lot of extra hormones that you arent used to, and its going to take awhile for your body to adapt. in the meantime, make sure to take your frustrations out on your husband. and if the kids are too much to handle, maybe you drive your mini van into a lake or something. i dont know. we're just talking here.

Dear Team Secret Falcon...

2010-06-04T08:09:00.006-04:00

its time, once again, for another edition of the mailbag.

enjoy yourself. its a celebration, bitch.

TSF - whats the worst thing about blogging? -ben savage (philadelphia, pa)

thanks for writing, ben - i loved "boy meets world". without a doubt the worst part about this blog is the time i put into it without getting much back out of it. i go out of my way to move to this country, learn to speak your language, come up with provocative and extremely racist blog topics, and no one outside of kathleen once every two weeks can be bothered to post a comment or give me free drugs. i dont ask much. you people are very selfish.

TSF - if you were stranded on an island, which five albums would you bring with you? -william t riker (alaska)

this all depends on whether you allow me to bring beatles albums or not, as i could easily choose five beatles alumbs and be fine. for the sake of argument, lets say no beatles albums and no greatest hits albums.

1. "Into the Great Wide Open" by Tom Petty and The Heartbreakers - this is a no-doubter. i loved it the second it came out in 1991, and i love it just as much today. best track - "in the dark of the sun".

2. "Lady Soul" by Aretha Franklin - on a scale of 1-10, this album is probably a fifty-six. the greatest voice in the history of voices. best track (ever) - "since you been gone".

3. "Tumbleweed Connection" by Elton John - the country and western theme likely has more to do with his penchant for dressing up in fabulous costumes than his fascination with the musical genre, but its still one of the all-time greats. best track - "country comfort".

4. "Band on the Run" by Paul McCartney and Wings - name one bad song on this album. go ahead, i dare you. the build up at the end of "nineteen hundred and eighty-five" is pepper-esque, and "jet", the title track, and "let me roll it" remain radio staples thirty-seven years after their release. best track - "helen wheels".

5. "American Idiot" by Green Day - i try to fight it, but i really think this is one of my most favoritest albums ive ever heard front to back. its just under an hour in length, and its worth every second. best track - "jesus of suburbia".

bonus...

6. "Permission to Land" by The Darkness - perhaps no album better defines my twenties than permission to land. and i dont even know what that means. but seriously, there is some lyrical genius hidden in this record, including such lines as "you are drunk and you are surly, in latino lover-mode" and "oh see the lady i adore, dancing on the dancing floor, dancing on a friday night" and "the way she moves moves me to write bad poetry". i dont even need to tell you how perfect of a song "i believe in a thing called love" is, because you already know. best track - "friday night".

7. "Little Voice" by Sarah Bareilles - take my man card. i dont want it, and i have no interest in it. burn the son of a bitch in the worlds biggest and most intense camp fire for all i care. this album is fantastical, and i could listen to it forever. best track - "many the miles".

TSF - is shaking a baby a good way to get that baby to stop crying? -rue mcclanahan (miami, fl)

yes.

TSF - i am a young latino woman who is getting married to a white man next month. anything i should be expecting? -jennifer lopez (tacos and burritos)

well, you are likely used to a more, ummm, "intense" version of love-making than your future partner is going to be able to provide, but its important to make sure he doesnt feel deflated when you end up lying there like a CPR doll every night for 3-7 minutes. use words like "special" and "gentle" when describing our methods. we like that.

TSF - im currently dating a guy who i like very much. the only problem is, i dont really understand sports, and the more i watch them, the less i like them. should i just keep pretending to like them until we get married and then suddenly get really pissed off when he even so much as thinks about watching a basketball game during the week? -every girl everywhere (anytown, USA)

yes. and make sure to be a total bitch about it.

TSF - what was the best moment of your life? -katinka ingabogovinanana (mugatus secret lair)

if you take away ohio state sporting accomplishments, im left with a few truly wonderful moments that stick out...

* when i found out that barndos first email address was SexyBoyParge@yahoo.com and that it was inspired by shaun michales of the WWF.

* throwing a glass beer bottle as far into the air as i could in a parking lot on campus and having it land and not break.

* every time i hear major tom finally call out to ground control after he safely lands back on earth in "space oddity". that always makes me happy.

TSF - if you could say one thing to the youth of america, what would it be? -fudge gydosh (boston, ma)

get to work early. go fishing. rob a bank. steal from your grandparents. call up a bomb factory and tell them theres a bomb in their building. learn martial arts. have a silky smooth jump shot. smack that woman in the mouth if she steps out of line. organize your thoughts. dont bleed on your khakis. fight your nemesis. high five your best pal. get into a tickle fight with a super model. eats loads and loads of mexican food. own several guns. vote for nader. invent electricity. purchase drugs from an untrustworthy source. hate michigan. hate them hard. dont trust the catholics. get enough protein in your diet. thats what she said.

World's Greatest Running Playlist...

2010-06-02T08:08:00.004-04:00

for those of us pavement-pounders out there, the dangers of the road are everywhere. step off the wrong curb, and you are flattened by a garbage truck. come down on the wrong piece of loose footing, and your ankle folds like a house of cards. play chicken with the wrong person focused on their cell phone instead of driving their car, and you are totally and completely screwed.

as an outdoor runner, theres not much you can do.

which is why i crank up my ipod, make sure im wearing my road ID so the police can identify my dead body, and constantly search for that elusive runners high.

THE WORLDS GREATEST RUNNING MIX

"I Saw The Sign" by Ace of Base
nothing screams "i dont give a good gosh darn about playing into societys stereotypical definition of what a man is supposed to be" quite like ace of base. crank it up, yell it loud, and see the sign - it will open up your eyes.

"I Can Love You Like That" by All 4 One
wagg and i used to drive around in my 1991 pontiac grand am, sucking down swiped true green 100s and singing this song at the top of our lungs. until that one day when we were juniors and that truck full of seniors pulled up next to us at a stop light and totally busted us out. ever since that day, we have been singing it way louder and way prouder than we ever though possible. if you want tenderness, i got tenderness.

"Thank You For Being a Friend" by Andrew Gold
the inspiration for the golden girls theme song version, this classic 70s ballad takes you on a whirlwind journey of emotions, and leaves you positive that if your best friend ever through and party and invited everyone they knew, that they would see the biggest gift would be from you and the card attached would say "thank you for being a friend".

"Barbie Girl (Dutch Version)" by Aqua
how could you possibly make barbie girl a better song? SING IT IN DUTCH, BITCH. or something that sounds a lot like german. im an american. europe confuses me.

"Can't Get Enough of Your Love" by Barry White
sometimes when i listen to this song when im running, i try to dance at the same time and i end up tripping and falling into a messy white-guy-trying-to-dance-to-black-music pile of unfortunate awkwardness on the ground. but thats okay. its like the more you give, the more i want baby.

"Lido Shuffle" by Boz Scaggs
because it was my ringtone for so many years, and every time i hear the chorus i imagine christie pickler singing "freedom - whoa oh oh oh oh oh!" - dude, its LIDO, not FREEDOM. come on.

"Toxic" by Britney Spears
a lot of people dont know this, but britney spears is actually totally and completely awesome. thats science, and you cant argue with science.

"That's The Way It Is" by Celine Dion
i felt like i had to mention a celine song (we are are a first name basis), as she is currently preggo with twins at the ripe old age of eighty-seven. i guess what she said was true - love comes to those who believe it, and thats the way it is. crap, i just vomited all over my pants.

"Better Days" by Citizen King
when i worked at the gap in high school (pause for unavoidable gay jokes), this was one of the songs they played in the store. the songs were predetermined, and were on a single CD that was put on repeat and played all day, every day. and this was during the "dress you up in my love" phase of the gap, which meant that song was played roughly every 10-12 minutes of your eight hour shift. "better days" was always a welcome break from madonna and her musically void shriek that she passes off as a singing voice.

"1,2,3,4 - Sumpin' New" by Coolio
one of my most favorite lyrics of all-time is in this song. "if you want beef, then nigga eat a porkchop" - simple, effective, and so, so true. you want beef? eat pork. even though its not beef. whatever.

"Jenny From The Block" by Jennifer Lopez
i think jennfier lopez, musically, falls under the same umbrella britney spears does, in the sense that they are both made of pure, beautiful, uncut genius, and their songs can turn a 5 mile run into a 25 mile run without you even noticing.

"Feeling That Way / Anytime" by Journey
yes, children - journey actually wrote songs other than "dont stop believin", and many of them are seriously badass. you could do worse things than popping open your laptop and illegally downloading this amazing two-in-one song for the ages and listening to it until your ears bleed and you head explodes.

"Jump" by Kriss Kross
i know ive said this about a million times in this blog over the years, but the official slogan for windermere elementary school when i was in fifth grade was "jump jump". i dont know why or what it was supposed to mean, but its tough not to respect the fact that out of all the songs in the world, dr yarletts was smart enough to choose such a radical composition to represent his entire community of students and teachers alike. so throw those jeans on backwards, and let the mac daddy and daddy mac make you jump jump.

"Extraordinary" by Liz Phair
i pretty much make it a rule to download and listen to every song that has ever been featured in a WNBA commercial on ESPN. all the time. forever.

"Return of The Mack" by Mark Morrison
listen, you dont need me to tell you why this is one of the greatest pump-up songs in the history of the universe. you already know. its the song that made mark morrison the international recording artist that he is today.

"Brandy (You're a fine girl)" by Looking Glass
a song about a stuck up prude who forgets that shes a freaking waitress in some harbor town and should be sleeping with at least two guys at a time, this little ditty reminds you of all that is wrong with monogamous relationships. hes not coming back to you, brandy. no harbor is his home. his life, his lover, and his lady is the sea. not you. he doesnt love you. you mean nothing to him. wanna go out sometime?

"Story of a Girl" by Nine Days
this is the story of a girl who cried a river and drowned the whole world, and while she looks so sad in photographs, i absolutely love her when she smiles. this is also my friend kathleen turners most favorite song in the world.

"How Bizarre" by OMC
even though its a song written and recorded by those unholy illegal immigrant mexicans who are trying to ruin our country and impregnate our daughters, its still a solid jam.

"Helen Wheels" by Paul McCartney
if you cant get pumped to run to this song, you dont have a weenus. if you dont have a weenus, you are a girl. if you are a girl, wanna go out sometime?

"Hey Sandy" by Polaris
its the theme song to "the adventures of pete and pete". you can get down on that, right? i thought so.

"Banana Phone" by Raffi
its a song with a peel. now you can have your phone and eat it too. this song drives me bananas.

"Two Becomes One" by The Spice Girls
sometimes when you are out on the road, staring mile after mile directly in the face, you need to get a little romantic with your bad self. sometimes you need to get funky. get nasty. thats where the spice girls come in to play. cause tonight is the night, when two becomes one.

"Hold On" by Wilson Phillips
its a known fact that...

a) drugs are non addictive and 100% safe for children of all ages
b) listening to wilson phillips causes the average runner to improve their mile time by anywhere from 30-47% the first time they take in the sweet, sweet melodic harmonies of those sexy lesbians.

you should probably download it right this very second.

Memorial Weekend Ideas...

2010-05-28T07:07:00.003-04:00

its memorial weekend here in the capital city, and team secret falcon is here to help EVERYONE GET LAID!!!!!!!!!!

wait, no, thats not what i meant. ignore that last part where i was talking about mass copulation. you didnt see that. these are not the droids you are looking for.

we know that (feline) AIDS is everywhere, people. dont be a fool, wrap your (feline) tool.

MEMORIAL WEEKEND IDEAS 2010 AHHH BOOM BOOM BOOM

* a lot of people go into memorial day thinking to themselves, "theres really no way i can steal money from my kids college fund, blow it on crystal meth and hookers. that wouldnt be right." sure, it probably would be right - but would it be fun? you bet your sweet puerto rican ass it would be fun.

* rent a boat and take your fiance out on the lake for the day. pack a nice lunch, and have some white wine chilled on ice. raise your glass in a toast to your enduring love. if you tie cinder blocks to her ankles, you wont have to worry about the body eventually floating to the top.

* play some frisbee with some of your best friends from college. those years you spent in the frat together really nurtured that special bond you all share. who knows, maybe this is finally the day when you tell matt that you have a homosexual gay crush on him. it is likely he will laugh it off, make a joke about the unnecessary use of both "homosexual" and "gay" in the same sentence, and will accuse you of being redundant. but there is nothing funny about the things you are going to do to him. nothing funny at all.

* have secret gchat conversations with mike steele about girls! tee hee hee!

* get in on one of those fun protests downtown in front of the courthouse! gay people having the right to get married? yeah right! people with slightly darker skin color trying to live in our country? no way! what are they going to want next - health care? everyone with a brain knows that only heterosexual white people deserve true happiness.

* stop taking your birth control - your boyfriend will never see it coming! douchebag!

* make it a point to call dave matthews and tim reynolds "dave and tim" when you talk about them. for instance, you could say something like, "i saw dave and tim at hookahville in the summer of '99 - it was literally amazing." because you know them on a personal level well enough to use their first names. asshole.

* when you walk into a party, its usually a good idea to carry yourself as if you were walking onto a yacht. maybe you strategically dip your hat below one eye, maybe you wear a super cute apricot scarf. be sure to keep one eye on the mirror so you can watch yourself gavotte. no doubt by this time all of the women at the party will want to become sexually involved with you, sexually involved with you. if you are a man, and you know what this means, it is likely the state of ohio will never recognize your marriage.

* go the columbus international airport and make jokes about explosives. they love that type of humor!

* chances are good that your wife is going to try to make you go to a cookout at one of her friends house. tell her that you hate it when she gets in one of her moods when shes on her period. your invite to the party will likely be revoked. nice.

* when you are reading your fortune from your fortune cookie, always say "in bed!" at the end. probably one of the most hilarious jokes of all-time.

* a good way to teach children about gun safety is to wake them up in the middle of the night by pointing a loaded gun at them (with the safety off) and screaming "GUN CONTROL IS A SERIOUS MATTER" over and over again with tears running down your face, and maybe you fire a couple rounds off into the ceiling just so you know they are paying attention. the children are our future.

Eastern Conference Finals...

2010-05-27T08:06:00.002-04:00

this accurately illustrates how angry i am with the officiating in game 5 of the celtics / magic series on wednesday night.

How To Impress Women...

2010-05-26T10:16:00.005-04:00

my buddy mike "the real deal" steele (dot blogspot dot com) and i were talking about women this morning. about how they smell like flowers and we like that. about how they cannot be trusted. about how their menstruation attracts bears.

but most of all, we were talking about how to impress them and make them fall madly in love with you and make them want to give you all of their money. except not the money part. but it wouldnt hurt your chances, ladies. im just sayin.

HOW TO IMPRESS WOMEN

* tell her how close you were to your mother - women love that kind of stuff. tell her how much you miss her since she passed, and that you think of her every single morning when you wake up. tell them that the day you murdered her for the insurance money was one of the worst days of your life.

* make sure to compliment her new sun dress. she obviously spent a lot of time choosing her outfit, and its bad news for you if you dont go out of your way to say something nice about it. tell her that your friend connie has the same dress, but you would rather sleep with her than connie. six times with connie was enough. shes kind of a tramp anyway. tell her she reminds you a lot of your friend connie.

* send her a love letter, old-fashion style, in the mail. tell her why she means so much to you. tell her the sun shines a little brighter, and the birds sing a little louder when she is with you. use your own blood as ink. tell her that if she ever leaves you, you will kill yourself. commitment.

* on your first date, make sure to ask questions about her family and her friends, because women really love their family and their friends. dear lord, do they love their friends. their friends are LITERALLY AMAZING, and they would be lost without their family. oh really? one unique thing about you is that you love your friends and family? way to go out on a limb, tenley. just once, i want to meet someone who hates their parents and wants their friends to die. just once.

* remember to make eye contact. deep, direct, uncomfortable eye contact. and dont break it. ever. tell her you want to lick her eyeballs. romance.

* make sure to be the one who initiates the first contact. give her a warm hug, or lightly slap her in the face and tell her to stay the hell away from that guy who sat you at applebees. if you even so much as think about him again, im going to cut you. deep. with a knife. tell her she has a beautifully sculpted neck.

* chances are, shes going to have a boyfriend / fiance / husband. dont worry, this situation is easily fixed with the right type of blackmail / poison / chainsaw. or, like, if they live together, you could always burn down their house with their pets inside. or something.

* women dont really like guys who are exceptionally normal - you have to make yourself stand out a little bit. be unique. be someone who they wont be able to forget - someone who they cant stop thinking about. i have found that carrying a nalgene bottle around you filled with your own urine / spit / blood is something a lot of girls think is really, really neat.

* talk to her sister and find out what she likes and dislikes. and whatever you do, dont sleep with her sister. unless she is really hot and you really want to.

* tell her you killed 27 men in vietnam. but not in a war or anything. only because you are a racist.

good luck!

Hughes Family Update...

2010-05-21T07:30:00.000-04:00

its been awhile since i updated everyone on what the various members of the hughes family have going on in their lives, so i thought i would cast some knowledge your way right quick in hopes of you latching on and devouring it with both your mouth and mind.

good talk, russ.

HUGHES FAMILY UPDATE 2010

Morgan Hughes - yours truly is doing well in the capital city of columbus, ohio. each day is seemingly better than the last, and i am very much looking forward to the summer!

Fred Hughes - brother fred is also doing well, and is still in the army. he is currently stationed in vietnam, and he tells me he misses putt-putting more than anything! fred! you are so crazy! come on! LOL!

Hank Hughes - cousin hank is recovering nicely from his latest bout of feline aids, and has been told by the courts that he has to stay at least 500 feet away from both miley cyrus and all chuck e cheeses in the entire country. no way!

Rhonda Hughes - aunt rhonda is again behind bars for illegal prostitution and endangering the life of an animal. the last time she wrote, she said "if being married to a chimp is so wrong, why does it feel so right?" come on aunt rhonda! not cool!

Te'Shaun Hughes - our adopted cousin te'shaun is getting so big! currently a junior in high school, he thinks its funny when i know the lyrics to hip hop songs, and he openly taunts me when we are in the locker room showering off. dude! not in front of my friends! LOL!

Sarah Hughes - sister sarah has finally taken the plunge with longtime boyfriend, jacob. they got hitched three months ago and are expecting their first child at any moment. thatll show him to try to break up with her!

JaMarcus Russel - jamarcus russel has been cut by the raiders, and is unlikely to play professionally ever again because he is a fat, lazy slob.

Jake and Vienna - he is a pilot and she is brutally honest and they have passion and chemistry.

Juan Hughes - last we heard, juan was still living in mexico, which makes him a filthy mexican criminal who better not try to come to this country and take our lucrative landscaping jobs.

happy holidays!!!

New Life Goals...

2010-05-18T07:57:00.004-04:00

i think its time for me to get my life together. to accomplish this, its probably a good idea to get some new life goals down on paper. just so i know what im shooting for.

NEW LIFE GOALS 20K10 MY NEW BIKINI BODY ALL THE SINGLE LADIES ALL THE SINGLE LADIES NOW PUT YOUR HANDS UP

* join as many senseless, passive aggressive, over-the-top patriotic facebook groups as possible. you know the type - "if you dont like the american flag, let me help you pack your bags" or "i dont care who you are, i support the marines" or "if loving our soldiers is wrong, i dont want to be right".

what these facebook dolts dont understand is that the very generation (the world war two peeps) they look to longingly with tired eyes for a pat on the back and a sense of patriotic vindication, were so busy being great americans that they didnt have time to constantly remind their friends how great they were and how much they loved this country. they just did it, went on about their days, and didnt cram it down anyones throat in the process.

please, keep loving this country. keep being proud to be an american. just shut the hell up about it or i swear on everything holy that i am going to shoot you in the face with a harpoon gun.

youll have to pry this harpoon gun from my cold, dead hands. RIGHT TO BEAR ARMS. AND HARPOON GUNS.

* every time i do something sinister, i am really going to try to be in the process of smoking a cigar. i feel it enhances the evilness in a way that you cant really get with many other forms of tobacco use.

* become quicker on the draw when a woman within earshot utters the phrase "i really wish i knew how to drive stick."

yeah, i can probably help you out with that.

* hit someone in the face with a baseball bat. i'll bet they werent expecting that.

* adopt an older dog from the humane society. love it and care for it and make sure that it has plenty to eat. give it a good life that it would otherwise not have had. when it has regained its strength, attempt to sell it to a puppy mill. when the puppy mill owner says he doesnt buy dogs, he only sells dogs, quickly abandon the dog as soon as possible. dogs have fleas, and that is gross.

* destroy childrens sand castles at a faster and more intense rate. i think im doing a fairly good job now, but there is always room for improvement. their tears sustain me.

* win a ring for stockton.

* stay as far away from utterly ridiculous girly life goals as possible. im sorry, but "laying on the grass and watching the sunset" is not a life goal. thats just something that happens when you are resting in the evening. "taking a walk in the rain" isnt a life goal either. thats something that happens when you car breaks down.

and if i hear one more idiot girl blabber on and on about how much she loves "laughing and crying at the same time", im going to destroy your childrens sand castle. hard.

* sell more crystal meth. with the extra monies, buy more crystal meth. with extra crystal meth, smoke more crystal meth.

* start my own business. drink more mountain dew. own more graphic t-shirts with angel wings on the back. get really into "deadliest catch". listen to more black eyed peas. have faster healing wounds. win six millions dollars. steal from close friends. become a better and more effective karate master. wear clothes backwards. eat worms. sleep less. become a famous chef. get a facial tattoo. get a facial. give a facial. run for president. hear the wolf cry to the blue corn moon. dance with the devil in the pale moonlight. arrest carmen sandiego. illegally grow marijuana. become a drug lord. have a sensitive side. kill those who discover sensitive side. hunt for treasure. burn down the mission if you want to stay alive. see sex and the city part two on opening night. change my underwear. spend more time with my husband. become a mermaid. fight a king cobra rattlesnake. discover the king cobra rattlesnake. be warm below the storm in our little hideaway beneath the waves. jump up jump up and get down. avoid being struck by lightning. buy my own shrimping boat. cut my face off with a knife. buy tate foricer a new pink dress. avoid the clap jimmy dugan. find a dead body. ride a real choo choo train. push someone off of a building. set myself on fire. meet denzel.

we can make this happen.

How to relate to people who don't look like you...

2010-05-17T09:28:00.007-04:00

people are always coming up to me and asking me questions like "will you be my husband and take me as your lover", and im always like "no, molly iams - you are married and have a baby now. i will not break up your marriage!" but then i am all "just kidding, of course i will break up your marriage." then i am like "lose the baby and we'll talk." and then i go "even if you dont lose the baby, i shall take you as my lover anyway."

crystal meth is a powerful drug.

a question i get far, far more than any other is "how can we, as a people, get along better with people of different skin colors that we dont trust and are certain will steal from us given the chance?"

dont worry, team secret falcon is here to help.

HOW TO SPREAD YOUR LOVE ON PEOPLE ALL OVER THE WORLD

.....wait, no. that sounds filthy.

HOW TO RELATE TO PEOPLE WHO DONT LOOK LIKE YOU

* if you are trying to relate to an asian person, it can initially be a very difficult scenario in which to operate. you see, asians come from a section of the world known as "china", which is famous for two things only - kung-fu and karate. most asians, even if they grew up in america (which is highly unlikely), are used to communicating through the martial arts - or "talk-fighting". its a good idea to remember to throw the occasional karate chop their way, and always make sure to scream "hiiiiiii-yah!" at the end of every sentence / roundhouse kick.

* indians are from india. while this is true 100% of the time, some of them still prefer to be called "native americans" which is thanks to the war of 1812 or something like that. scientists are unsure.

* in the united states, there are two types of white people. the easiest to get along with, by far, are known as "liberal hipster douchebags" and you can easily spot them by being on the lookout for thick-rimmed glasses and faded vintage chicago cubs or boston red soxs t-shirts / hats. if you are of a darker complexion, dont worry about trying to relate to them. you dont even have to be nice in order to gain their companionship. they will put up with most anything, so long as they feel justified screaming the phrase "SOME OF MY BEST FRIENDS ARE BLACK" in general conversation with other liberal hipster douchebags.

* the other group of white people are known as "republicans", and you should just go ahead and forget about dating their daughters. that wont be happening.

* it is unlikely that black people are going to initially trust you - and rightfully so. ever since africans came to this country as willing and excited financial partners back in the late 1960s, other races have been stealing the "cool" aspects of their culture and ruining everything in the process. jazz music, hip hop culture, corn rows, that half-handshake-half-man-hug thing, and malted alcoholic beverages are but a few examples of this horrific practice. its a good idea to tell any black guy you meet that you have no intentions of walking, talking, or dressing like him at any point in the near future. tell him that you dont even like throwback basketball jerseys.

* it is a known fact that a majority of white americans living in the southwest portion of the country are really those filthy mexicans in disguise who come to our land to steal our lucrative fruit-picking jobs that so many legal residents in america wish that they had. dont fall for their lies and tricks. we all know that being mexican is a crime.

* asians have a difficult time understanding the english language when sentences arent ended with the phrase "most honorable". try conversing with chinese people like this...

"i see from your insurance card that you just handed me at the scene of this traffic accident you caused that you have state farm insurance. they are a most honorable company."

"you are a gifted violin player. my OBGYN is also a chinese lady. mathematics is a most honorable pursuit."

* it is likely that almost all of your friends who are of greek descent have an uncle who owns a donut shop or a portable meat-cooking cart that you might see outside of a bar or club at 4am. tell them how much you respect them for being business owners, so long as they dont employ any of those dirty, stinking mexican criminals.

* many white americans have facial hair and put "proud to be an american" bumper stickers on the back of their ford trucks. when speaking with them, they appreciate if you start most sentences with the phrase "my grandpappy didnt storm the beaches of normandy so these queers can..." - pretty much anything you say after that will be fine. "get married" works. "adopt children" works. "gentrify our perfectly good ghettos and slums" is a popular choice.

* many people in todays united states are immigrants from the continent of south america. which is pretty much the same thing as being a dirty, stinking, filthy, illegal mexican who is bent on destroying this country one lawn-mowing job at a time, if you ask me.

* a good way to become friends with any given black person is to put double the amount of sugar in your kool aid that you normally would. when you have finished this, try adding a little bit more. then some more. it probably wouldnt hurt to add just a little more.

* when making generic conversation with a white person, its important to remember to use the words "literally" and "amazing" as much as you possibly can. for instance...

"this is literally the most amazing mojito i have had in the last three weeks. it is literally amazing."

or

"i literally cannot understand how people can just blindly buy their produce at kroger or giant eagle when there are so many amazing farmers markets just sitting literally two or three miles away from their house. it is literally amazing how sheltered and short-sighted some people can be."

together we can make this world a better place.

The Circle of Life...

2010-05-14T14:31:00.001-04:00

jack hannah aint got shit on me.

The Oregon Trail...

2010-05-04T07:53:00.005-04:00

it has been some time since my last west coast excursion, so i thought it best to again journey to the left to the left (all of your shit in a storage unit to the left) and seek my fame and fortune.....

.........on the oregon trail.

SPECIFICATIONS AND MEMBERS

(sounds like a possible title to "this old house" porn, doesnt it?)

the members (huh-huh, theres that word again) of the party this go-round are as follows...

1. Morgan Hughes - leader, all-around super badass, and most likely to knock-up some super fine pocahontas-looking-honey who knows how to call him "big poppa" in at least two different native languages. most unlikey to die. nice!

2. Paige Gydosh - second in command or, in star trek speak, "number two" - an accurate nickname due to her fierce hatred of showering more than once a week. aka she smells like poops.

3. Ian Maute - most likely to use the "in town to fool around" line at almost every fort the wagon will encounter.

4. Carrie Mazza - most likely to die first, as she is the one person in the wagon who did not attend upper arlington public school. and as we know from years of reading team secret falcon, there is nothing funny about people who didnt go to hastings middle school.

5. Sean Ryan - most likely to get really excited about man-made structures. in real life, sean ryan has an uncommon obsession with the lane ave bridge on the campus of the ohio state university. no one knows why. also most likely to be a total fag!

it is officially 1848. we are officially bankers from boston (as bankers have the most money, and this wagon is all about straight cash, homie). we are officially leaving in april.

time to go to matt's general store and stock up on supplies. rumor is, matt is importing most of his supplies from china, and that pisses cory wiseman (who isnt even on the trip) off something fierce. she suggests that we go to a farmers market and pick up some fantastic produce, grab a soy latte, and go listen to some great local live music at comfest. ian shoots her in the face with a harpoon gun.

matt hooks us up fatty with some killer deals, and the wagon is loaded. so is paige. she shouts for all to hear "THIS IS MY JAM", however there is no music playing. paige begins to drool.

ian stops by 7-11 on the way out and picks up a hot dog with chilli and cheese. and a big grab of chips. WHATEVER YOU WANT.

pace - strenuous.
food rations - meager.
away we go. oregon awaits.

from independence it is 102 miles to the kansas river crossing.

on the first day, carrie tells sean that she thinks his white softball cleats are "pretty". sean says that they arent supposed to be pretty, they are supposed to be effective. carrie says "whatever" and sean sulks in the back of the wagon while secretly eating wendys.

we have reached the kansas river crossing, which is 6 feet deep in the middle. i can see no reason not to caulk that bitch and float it right the F across, so this is exactly what we do.

the caulking and floating is accomplished without incident. paige gives me a super sweet high five, and says she is glad she didnt have to get wet. rob wheaton shows up out of nowhere and screams "thats what she said" right before ian shoots him in the face with a harpoon gun. he is becoming really good at this. paige decides to wait till tomorrow to shower.

from the kansas river crossing, it is 83 miles to the big blue river crossing.

sean has a fever. sadly, cowbells will not be invented for 57 years.

one of the oxen is injured. this would cause great concern from the group if it werent just a stupid animal and had a soul. we give serious thought to killing and eating it.

we have reached the big blue river, which is 4.7 feet deep in the middle. you have to figure this is shallow enough to ford, right? all i know is there is zero chance i am hiring some drunken dirty indian to help me cross. sorry squanto, there will be no crying of the wolf to the blue corn moon tonight.

we ford the river...

...and promptly sink. we lose three sets of clothing, 2 wagon tounges (???), 3 wagon wheels, 2 wagon axles, and carrie has drowned. in 4 feet of water. because that happens all the time.

at the funeral, i ask everyone to say something nice about carrie.

paige: "she was always doing things that were good and nice."
sean: "a nice and good friend who was really nice."
ian: "just a super good person who i thought was really, really nice."
morgan: "i heard she went to thomas worthington, which, maybe, isnt as bad as hilliard davidson, i think. maybe it was kilbourne. maybe."

after quickly forgetting karen ever existed, we continue on our journey. from the big blue river, it is 119 miles to fort kearney.

sean is feeling better, though is still somewhat secluded in the back of the wagon. ian says he is probably on his period, and i comment on how funny that joke is because sean is actually a man and therefore his body does not go through the menstrual cycle. ian says that i often ruin jokes when i explain them in that fashion. i continue to laugh.

we reach fort kearney, and ian tells a young co-ed that he is "in town to fool around". she feigns interest, as paige decides against showering. probably a good idea to wait until tomorrow, she says. no use wasting water in this economy.

from fort kearney it is 250 miles to chimney rock.

during the night, thiefs come and steal 20 pounds of food. when asked for a description of the perps, paige says there were two men in their twenties. one was a white guy, and one was, ummm, a little darker. good lord paige, its not racist if you say a black guy robbed you if he actually DID rob you. your liberal white guilt is really getting in the way of this investigation.

paige decides to wait until tomorrow to shower.

wrong trail - lose 5 days.

FIND WILD FRUIT!

one of the oxen is injured. again.

FIND WILD NATURAL ICE!

upon this discovery, i decide its a good time to stop and have a little bit of a party. you know, get some good old fashion R&R for the group. we invite some of our friends, and things get a little out of control.

kathleen shows up with seven layer dip, which is an immediate hit. skidmore arrives and promptly makes out with ian in an abandoned tent from hullabaloo 2003. scott mccurdy stumbles into camp and whispers into my ear that i "should attempt to ford the river known as paige gydosh" as soon as possible. i tell him that paige is my sister so thats gross, and also that he has the eyes of a mass murderer. sam shows up and starts shaking a baby. he knows that it is the only real way to stop a baby from crying.

peter is asleep in the back of the wagon during the ohio state / michigan game by 2pm.

ian thanks "ashley stradtman" for a night he will always remember, and we continue on our way.

we arrive slightly hungover at chimney rock. everyone showers up and we start to feel better. paige takes a nap instead.

from here it is 86 miles to fort laramie. i wonder aloud why no one has died. except that girl from dublin scioto.

wrong trail - lose 3 days.

that night, ian and i decide to trade with some indians. we offer them magical crystal sheets (aluminum foil) in return for 300 pounds of food. they agree. typical!

in celebration, we get freak-nasty with a couple tramps from the wagon next to ours. ian decides he cant part with the foil, so he shoots the indians in the face with a harpoon gun and takes it back. i tell him that the violence, while EXTREMELY hilarious, was completely uncalled for. yet extremely hilarious.

we arrive at fort laramie and are asked to flip to side two of the disc in order to continue. paige hopes that flipping to side two doesnt involve any forced personal hygiene, and sean doesnt want to play softball this year because he doesnt like rushing to the park directly from work. really cuts into his cross-dressing and watching little mermaid time.

from fort laramie, it is 190 miles to independence rock. also, the gound has turned orange.

one of the oxen has died. we all laugh because we think animals are stupid and deserve to be in pain.

paige has a broken arm. probably from all the celebratory fist pumping that she was doing after the oxen died.

bad water, no water, very little water. ian has a fever. uh-oh....

ian has died.

at the funeral, sean and i make it very clear that we wished it was paige who had died instead. she hasnt showered in weeks, she hasnt slept with anyone, and she went to freaking jones. we were under the impression that all girls from jones were mega sluts. even jack nicklaus knows that.

we say a few words, and show a short video - paige sleeps with sean to keep the trip interesting, and i start to feel better.

paige decides to wait until tomorrow to shower.

our health is poor, the weather is hot, and a thief comes in the middle of the night and steals three sets of clothing. i really dont care about sean and paige at this point. just get me to oregon where the beer flows like wine, and the women instinctively flock like the salmon of capistrano.

we reach independence rock, and from here it is 102 miles to south pass. the good news is the ground has changed back to green. which has to mean something good. wagg says that the only reason the celtics / cavs series is tied up right now is because of the play of rasheed wallace. hard to disagree with him there.

ian shoots him in the face with a harpoon gun from the grave.

we continue onto south pass.

our health continues to be poor, and i mention to sean that i have a feeling that something bad is about to happen. he begins to sing "wooo hooo that tonights gonna be a good good night" and i openly mock him for liking the black eyed peas. it may be 1848, but even the pilgrims (which came to this country around the same point in time) knew that saying "i gotta feeling" is basically the same thing as saying "i have to feeling". and thats not even english.

sean you are a total weenus licker.

paige mentions that she doesnt feel like showering until tomorrow, and promptly gets stricken down with the typhoid. i hate it when that happens!

no grass. very little water. bad water. lose trail.

sean has the measles. FIND WILD FRUIT!

sadly, paige has died. in typical weenus-licker fashion, sean dies the next day. left alone for the first time in my life, i begin to ponder my place in the universe. as i dig the shallow grave that will contain both of my friends remains, a single tear runs down my beautiful child-like face.

what is there left for me in this cruel world that can take away my friends in such swift fashion?

i decide to hunt. if a few dirty stinking indians get in my way, so be it. i'll show you to take our land before we knew it existed or before we knew we wanted it. i'll show you to teach us how to survive in the winter time.

hunting goes worse than anticipated. i come back with six pounds of squirrel meat and zero dead injuns.

i arrive at south pass. i am given the choice of heading to the green river or fort bridger. both sound equally bland, so i decide to hunt.

two rabbits and zero indians later, i decide to consult the locals on where they think the best destination is.

the first lady i run into says "the only way to get a baby to stop crying is to let that baby eat some human milk" - everyone knows thats not true, so i murder her with my bare fists and move on.

as i turn the corner to consult the next person, i see a familiar face. it is my old friend lauren hines. and she is visibly wasted on a delicous boones farm malted alcoholic beverage.

lauren tells me that she and my good friend christian john bergh need a ride to ontario. figuring she probably means oregon, i tell her to grab chris and we can all ride together. chris shows up also obviously drunk, wearing mocasins and tarheel blue mesh shorts. good lord, could you BE ANY UGLIER IN THE MORNING???

we head to the green river, which is 87 miles away.

chris, lauren and i spend the next evening laughing about the time in 2001 when evil andrew took a dump on the hood of that car parked on 10th avenue. seriously, who thinks to do something like that? after a few minutes, we start to realize that this memory wont actually happen for 153 years. we get the wagon up to 88 MPH, produce 1.21 jiggawatts, and feel a whole lot better.

FIND WILD PAPA JOHNS STUFFED CRUST PIZZA! YES!

one of the oxen is injured. no grass for the oxen. very little water. completely out of garlic dipping sauce.

we arrive at the green river, which is 400 feet across and 20 feet deep in the middle. my memory reminds me of the last time i got cocky and floated the wagon across and managed to get karen from grove city killed. wagg says that vince carters play is the only thing that could stop the cavs from reaching the NBA finals. didnt ian kill you with a harpoon gun?

no reason to risk getting someone else killed while trying to save money by floating the wagon across, so i decide instead to float it across.

thankfully, as the wagon sinks to the bottom of the river, wagg dies for good. his death will be welcomed among those of us who survived in "wagon carol seaver". nothing can stop the cavs now.

from here it is 144 miles to soda springs. chris hopes they have tahitian treat. NOT THAT KIND OF SODA, CHRIS.

lauren has dystentery. very little water. inadequate grass. it rains, and begins to smell like worms.

lauren is feeling better. chris is blackout drunk and wants to take a walk to indianola. not going to happen.

a thief comes in the middle of the night and steals 60 pounds of food. they leave a note that says "he is a pilot and i am brutally honest. if people dont like that, they dont have to. i am brutally honest and he is a pilot. we have passion. and if you dont like it, we have passion, and thats your problem."

we pray that vienna from "the bachelor" dies a slow, painful death.

we arrive at soda springs - from here it is 57 miles to fort hall.

chris smiles as he cracks open a tahitian treat. how in the hell...?

a wagon axle has broken. as we are in the process of fixing it, we are stopped by police on horseback and they demand to see proof of citizenship. we assure them that our darkened skin is from the sunlight exposure and not because we are indians, or worse yet, mexicans. as proof, we offer then a glance at our pearly white perfectly straight teeth and our general lack of disease. we assure them that we are from ohio, we voted for william henry harrison, and we also believe being from a different country is a crime. they ride off, we fix the axle, and resume our course.

we arrive at fort hall, and lauren is in rare form. sporting a broken arm, she is showing the locals her special trick of dropping a jolly rancher into a bottle of zima and "killing that bitch before it has a chance to escape". i ask her how exactly a jolly rancher would escape form a bottle of zima, and she kisses me long, deep, and hard. it feels strange. i remark that it reminds me of that scene where lorraine kisses marty in the car before the "enchantment under the sea dance", and lauren reminds me that this is the second back to the future joke i have made in the span of six paragraphs.

i hate her.

from fort hall, it is 182 miles to the snake river crossing, which sounds totally badass and i bet there are tons of dead bodies and people hanging out shoointg BB guns at their neighbors cats. yes!

impassable trail, lose 5 days. another wagon axle breaks and chris is able to fix it because he has a degree in construction management.

FIND WILD GUSHERS AND SQUEEZE-ITS!

a fire breaks out in the middle of the night and destroys berghs awesome shoes, which were semi-covered in vomit from day drinking at four kegs anyway. his huey lewis posters are unharmed.

lauren has typhoid. bitch.

chris finds an old passive aggressive note that ian put under his door thanking him for the invitation to the day drinking at four kegs. oooh, snap.

wrong trail - lose four days.

very little water, no water, the oxen are hungry, lauren has sand in her vagina.

we arrive at the snake river crossing, and the corpse of wagg tells me that antawn jamison is really proving what type of elite scorer he can be this season with all of the defense attention that lebron draws. WHY DONT YOU EVER STAY DEAD?

the river is 1000 feet across and eight feet deep in the middle. no use doing anything crazy. we decide to hire a local indian to help up across.

on our way, the cops on horses show back up and murder the indian for "looking like he was up to no good". consequently, the boat sinks and chris huey lewis posters are ruined.

from the snake river crossing, it is 114 miles to fort boise. fort boise is currently undefeated, has beaten six ranked opponents on the road, and is #18 in the latest BCS standings. you tell me how that is fair.

lauren tells me to quit talking about stupid college football. chris says that she is "menstruating. HARD." we pass a gravesite, and decide to look closer...

"HERE LIES DAVID FRENCH. OR TRAVIS AUSTRALIA. OR RON MEXICO. WHO CAN BE SURE."

that guy sounds like a total fag.

we arrive at fort boise just in time for their biggest conference game of the year again the hellen keller school for the blind and deaf women. oh yeah, THATS why they are ranked #18 in the BCS standings.

from fort boise it is 160 miles to the blue mountains. a sterotypical asian kid reminds me loudly that hoverboards cant go on water unless you have power.

we find an abandoned wagon filled to the brim with midol. lauren is cured.

as we arrive at the blue mountains, the spirit of wagg tells me that UNC got to the championship game of the NIT and thats good because of having extra practice time for all the young kids on the roster. i remind him of ones inability to polish a turd.

from the blue mountains, we have the option of heading the the dalles or fort walla walla. assuming that the dalles is somewhere in central texas, we choose fort walla walla. we also like that it sounds like the kind of fort that may be owned by willy wonka type of personality.

a shady character comes in the middle of the night and draws rainbows and ponies all over the wagon. they leave a note that says "cartoons are my favorite!" and something smells like cotton candy. tenley from "the bachelor" is near. we can feel it.

FIND WILD DAY OLD BREAD FROM JIMMY JOHNS! SADLY, BRANSON SHOWS UP AND THROWS IT IN THE DUMPSTER!

one of the oxen has died. chris has a fever. lauren has the measles. i hope those cops dont show up again and mistake her for a sickly indian.

we arrive at fort walla walla, and decide to take the famed barlow tolld road all the way to our final destination - oregon. chris and lauren celebrate by making the sex all over our wagon. thanks to the shared bodily fluids, they now both have measles.

lauren and chris have died.

left with just the spirit of wagg (who tells me that if ty lawson wants to be the best point guard in the league, he could do it in less than three seasons) for companionship, i finally arrive in oregon.

wagg and i celebrate by stealing menthol cigarettes from my mom, crushing a case of flavor ice, and playing a few games of tecmo super bowl.

zombie ian comes back from the dead and shoots us both in the face with a harpoon gun.

ZOMBIE IAN MAUTE.
OREGON TRAIL CHAMPION.

Good To Know...

2010-04-28T10:51:00.001-04:00

Happy Birthday, Peter Hughes...

2010-04-27T08:16:00.005-04:00

yesterday was my youngest brothers birthday. his name is peter hughes, and these are some of my favorite memories of growing up with him.

PETER DONALD DUCK SUPERMAN HUGHES

1. yeah, he actually used to tell people that his name was "peter donald duck superman hughes". his middle name is donald. the "duck superman" portion was something he came up with on his own. evil genius.

2. he used to go door-to-door in our neighborhood completely naked (swansea road) (golden ghetto) (gangster) asking people if they wanted to "draw" him.

3. the first time i saw him making out with another man, i was kinda freaked out. but then i realized that it was his life and he should live it however he chooses.

4. one time when he was twelve, we found him in my moms bathrobe, rolling around in dog poop in the back yard. when we asked him what he was doing, he said "research". when we asked him what he was researching, he said "THE FUTURE".

5. once when he was somewhere around eight years old, he invented his own superhero named "shamberstar". he used to run around the house in a t-shirt that he had written "shamberstar" on pretending he was saving the world. or something.

oh also, only numbers 1 and 5 are actually true.

happy birthday, weenusface.

Business Plan...

2010-04-27T08:09:00.003-04:00

1. create product
2. bang hot bitches
3. watch the money pile up

YOURE WELCOME.

Upper Arlington Class of 2000 - Sophomore Year...

2010-04-23T08:23:00.009-04:00

well look what i found last night - my yearbook from sophomore year of high school. oh, and look - those little blurbs that i never noticed before are in this edition as well.

sucks to be you.

UPPER ARLINGTON CLASS OF 2000 - SOPHOMORE YEAR

my name is kathleen turner, and i hope that bangs dont come back in style in ten years and remind me of what a giant weirdo i looked like for the first eighteen years of my life. I AM WEARING SEVEN NECKLACES!!!!!!!!

oooooo da billy waggs show. you all be sorry in six years when da billy waggs play in the NBA and you get nothing from billy because you make fun of da billy waggs all the time. da billy waggs cry at night into pillow that the billy waggs drew picture of eric montross face on. billy waggs sad!

task #1 - acquire tightest undershirt known to man. task #2 - acquire loosest overshirt in the universe. task #3 - super gay yearbook picture. my name is brian zigler. all tasks accomplished.

hey - its me, TJ. aside from my new hobby of making faces that cause me to resemble tyler hansbrough, im definitely still in the serial raping business. my sophomore year roofies are twice as powerful as my freshman year roofies, so i have that going for me. which is nice.

hey its me sonya again. the theme of this haircut is "if i dye it blue, it will probably look like some sort of wig a drunk 47 year old would wear in las vegas". i stole this shirt from abe vigoda.

hi my name is alison, and i figure if my future career doesnt work out, i could always sell my hair to pet stores. because it looks like something a family of hermit crabs might be interested in calling home.

its me shane olson, and when im not busy shopping for the hottest new denim shirts on the planet, i spend my time practicing smiling and smelling at the same time. its harder than it looks, kids.

NOTE FROM THE SUPERINTENDANT OF UPPER ARLINGTON CITY SCHOOLS: congrats to sean ryan, the winner of an unprecedented TENTH straight "gayest looking fag" award, given out every year to the gayest looking fag in the entire school district.

hi, my name is rochelle, and when im not secretly playing professional hockey under the code name "jaromir jagr", i spend most of my time borrowing shirts from my grandmother.

my name is rob, and i am slightly intrigued.

phil miller here, and i swear on everything holy that if i have to have my picture in ONE MORE yearbook under david mcmasters and his flock-of-seagulls-haircut, i am going to start killing hostages.

.......got any weed? ehh?

my name is paige gydosh, and i am slightly less of a bitch now than i was freshman year. but only slightly. probably not even enough that you would notice anything was different. i am still a bitch.

in UA? yeah, right.

yes, virginia - it is possible to get stoned if you look at a yearbook picture long enough.

hey its me, luke. i wanted to remind you that every time you litter, i am forced by law to stare out into the distance like this and shed a single tear down my cheek. i am a native american.

BREAKING NEWS: upper arlington, ohio - morgan hughes, in a last minute stunner, has won the "gayest looking fag" award from sean ryan, snapping an amazing ten year run. congrats, morgan - you are truly a gay lokoing fag.

hi my name is lindsay cowbreath, and i have red hair and blue eyes and therefore, no soul. or eyebrows.

my name is alex, and the saddest thing that can happen to a kid is when you are sitting in front of the camera to get your yearbook picture taken, and someone starts making out with the love of your life right in front of you and then the camera guy takes the picture and he wont let you retake it. i hate it when that happens.

hey its me, kim! i am happy! kinda.

I AM WEARING SEVEN NECKLACES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hey its me josh, and you cant really tell by looking at this picture, but i am REALLY into playing nintendo 64. oh wait, you can absolutely tell that by looking at this picture.

hey alison jacquot here, and i have officially taken over the title of "person who most looks like they are making dump and weenus in their pants" from rob wheaton this school year. thanks to everyone who made this possible!

oh, hey. its me, ian maute, and no big deal - im just sittin' here thinking about maybe cutting down a few trees after school today. whats that? you didnt hear? im a confident lumberjack.

i was told that today was nationl "growl like a sinister wolf" day. was that not true?

my name is dave, and i know this is completely off-topic, but on the weekends i do stunts for little richard in gay movies. see ya!

me aaron deubner, me play joke. me put pee-pee in your coke.

the worst thing that can happen to a kid is when over the years you slowly turn into a turlte and there is nothing you can do about it. i hate it when that happens.

is it just me, or does deubner look like a sterotypical chinese man from a early 1950s looney tunes cartoon this school year? oh wait, you just made that joke. sorry.

this sweater makes me look like im in a fashionable prison! and i like that!

this sweater makes me look like i am in a less fashionable prison. and i dont like that.

they just cancelled "animaniacs". so, no, i wont be smiling for your stupid picture. i hate my life.

you know what would really suck? if i looked exactly like this fourteen years from now.

it takes a lot of balls to wear three shirts with a bowlcut. giant, fantastic, glorious balls. hit me up on my pager, ladies.

I AM WEARING SIX LESS NECKLACES THAN KATHLEEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Getting More Out Of Your Life...

2010-04-21T08:23:00.004-04:00

in todays american economic climate, its important to not set your goals too low. many people look at their bleak financial outlook and think theres not much they can do but bide their time and make minimum payments on those credit cards they maxed out following justin bieber around on his tour during the spring of 2003 when he was negative seven years old.

TIPS FOR BEING GOOD AND HAVING IT ALL

* invest in a full length mirror for your bedroom. its always good to have a general idea of what you look like as a whole before you head out for the day. when you have an extra couple of minutes on a friday night, strip down completely naked, stand in front of the mirror with a knife, and see what happens. as the blood begins to pool on the ground, tell yourself that youll never let him hurt you ever again.

* grab the dog, pack an overnight bag, and take a road trip for the weekend by yourself. where will you go? it doesnt matter - just go. road trips are an excellent way to unwind after a particularly stressful week at work. when you arrive at your destination, get hired as a bouncer at a local bar that is known for its dangerous and shifty patrons. change your name to dalton. kick the living shit out of everyone you see. pain dont hurt.

* if theres one thing all people can respect, its someone that breaks into their house in the middle of the night with a machine gun. they have to respect that. they dont have a choice.

* get to know your boyfriend better. its likely that you may not know everything there is to know about him. ask him what his hopes and fears are. see if you share some of the same dreams for your futures. when you inevitably find out that he is sleeping with your sister, you cant really be all that pissed off. its your fault for asking. this line of questioning is exactly the stress inducing crap that led him to sleep around in the first place. you have a lot of nerve.

* remember to stop and smell the roses - literally. take a walk in a public park, or down by a secluded lake. wanna see a dead body?

* make it a point to visit a local retirement home and talk with members of the greatest generation while you still have the chance. listen to their stories, and learn from their experiences. really soak in the time you spend with them. and if they try to get fresh with you (which they will), shoot them in the face with a harpoon gun.

* chances are pretty good that at this point in your life you have a few illegitimate children running around somewhere. chances are excellent that now, more than ever, the illegal human slave industry is really starting to gain momentum. im not telling you what to do here. all im saying is that there is money to be made.

* with every bottle of milk you let your (human) baby eat, make sure there is a little whiskey in there. gradually increase the amount throughout his or her life. by the time that kid is eleven, they will be unstoppable at drinking games. and this is when you strike. strike at what? strike where? it doesnt matter. just get it done.

* hospitals are an excellent source of vitamins and minerals and money, and are just waiting to be cultivated into an area of intense focus and strategy. plan ahead and get to know where you would best fit in. dont be afraid to be yourself amongst the hundred of applicants. start a plan and follow thorough. if you dont understand the point i am trying to make, you arent smoking nearly as much crystal meth as we decided you would. and thats a you problem.

* try to incorporate more fruits and vegetables in your diet. there is nothing better than a fruit salad on a warm summer afternoon. try adding yummy veggies to your everyday diet and things you already eat. put sprouts on your turkey sandwiches. add some spinach into your pasta. tie a belt around your neck until you get lightheaded. scream into a pillow and punch holes into your ceiling with a serving spoon. tell yourself that youll never let him hurt you ever again.

good luck!